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Hello Everyone,

 

I am brand new to this site. Thanks to anyone who reads this and offers advice.

 

So for starters I am a in a long distance relationship, which is obviously hard in it's own unique ways.

 

The girl I am with, I met approximately 2/12 years ago on Facebook. We started having a relationship abut 2 years ago. It started out slow, with not too much transpiring between us but conversations on texts or facebook. She seems to be a very a very quiet person, and she often doesn't talk to much about herself or her life etc. and in the beginning this threw me off and I would often find myself asking"Am I bothering you" etc. when having conversations because she often never said too much.

 

We hit it off alright, and we got along very well and while she does not talk to much we have a lot of common interests and beliefs. Funny enough she was the first one to start the flirting over message exchanges and thats how I felt the signal that she was interested in me. After about nearly a year of this relationship going on I grew a bit distant from her and felt that I needed to work on myself before having a relationship so I left, for about 8 months or so.

 

One day she texted me out of the blue and said she was thinking about me, and we began to rekindle things.

 

Things became much more serious (or at least what I think is much more serious between us) and we talk everyday for a couple hours at least and skype relatively often.

 

The issues will be explained now.

 

I have a lot of insecurities about my weight, my career outlook etc. She is graduating with a masters degree in her field and it leaves me to be more insecure about my bottom of the chain job.

 

She is a beautiful intelligent girl with an amazing outlook, and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her.

 

For the past 6 months we have had countless misunderstanding due to the fact that I can't feel like I trust her. She still is a very quiet person and a lot of times I feel like I am the one doing most of the talking and initiating conversations etc.

 

We have been in a situation where she was mad at me and almost left me at least 5 - 8 times and it ended up with me apologizing profusely and explaining that I am insecure and it leads me to question her actions and words etc.

 

I feel very weak because of my actions and the way I have pleaded with her to stay with me and it leads me to have more insecurity. I am normally not this type of person but I always felt like the misunderstandings were escalated by me saying or doing something that caused it. She is a very strong woman who I believe does not tolerate weakness in people and It has lead me to have more insecurity in the ways I have acted weak and I often ask myself "Why is she with me" "Does she really love me?" etc.

 

I even wonder why she hasn't just left me after acting so weak and childish at times....

 

 

So here are the reasons I feel insecure with her.

 

1. She does not ever seem to have too much to say or talk about, I am usually talking and she just responds (Most of the time).

2. I was going to go visit her for the first time in June, as we planned months ago but she said she didn't want it because of our misunderstandings all the time and she wants things to be normal again between us before I visit her. I wonder if this was just her excuse and she never wanted to actually see me in the first place.

3. She has a lot of friends in her hometown and she often sees them. When she talks about them she never uses there names or tells me about what type of person they are etc. She is just simply with a friend.

4. When she is with her friends we usually don't talk or chat much and we have never had a phone call while she is with them.

5. Sometimes she sends me strange memes, and I feel like she is taking a jab at my insecurity or personality. We have had bad misunderstandings about that with her saying I am too sensitive or taking the wrong thing personally... Granted I might just be paranoid about them, but they seem to come at the wrong times. She is very intelligent and I believe at times she knows exactly what she is doing and how I might react.

6. She won't add me in a relationship status on Facebook saying she wants to keep her personal life of that page. She has even gone as far as deleting a comment of me saying I love you on her page.

7. I have asked to watch some movies or spend some time with her in this way on skype, and every time she has canceled the plans or given me an excuse to not do it.

 

 

The thing is she says she loves me, she even says she wants to marry me. She sends me photos of herself all the time, sexually explicit etc. and we have had sexy time on skype a lot of times....

 

She swears up and down that she loves me and that she hates when I question her... but I always just have this feeling that something is wrong. Like we don't develop a very deep connection etc.

 

Why would she say she loves me and wants to marry me but because of all of our misunderstanding she doesn't feel comfortable meeting me.

 

I wonder if I am dealing with some kind of master manipulator but the fact she sends me the types of photos she does, the fact we have had those experiences on skype and the fact that sometimes we get along so well that we talk about getting married just makes me feel very confused.

 

I wonder if I am just extremely paranoid and letting my insecurities create levels of mistrust.. or does it seem like something odd is going on?

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Have you ever met her in real life?

 

If not, then I'm afraid to tell you that this is not a relationship, OP. You are a distraction and ego-boost when she wants attention, but she does not seriously consider you her boyfriend. Nor should she, if you two have never met.

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Have you ever met her in real life?

 

If not, then I'm afraid to tell you that this is not a relationship, OP. You are a distraction and ego-boost when she wants attention, but she does not seriously consider you her boyfriend. Nor should she, if you two have never met.

 

Exactly, have you ever physically met?

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No we have not met yet :/

 

Supposedly we will in two or 3 months time.

 

I don't understand why she sends me the type of photos she does or tells me she wants to marry me and that she takes me seriously as a person that might be the one. This is what really confuses me..

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She's never going to meet you. There will always be an excuse. If you've never met her, this is a fantasy relationship. It's not a real relationship. She's hiding stuff. Maybe she's not a guy, but she could be doing this with several guys.

 

Most Internet relationships involve people who have commitment issues or mental problems. It's a Band-Aid for people who can't maintain real-life relationships of their own. You didn't include much information about her, but I see some issues where she could be depressed, anxious, bipolar, autistic, ADD, schizophrenic and other conditions. I don't think you're dealing with a full-deck here. I mean, talking about marrying someone she hasn't even met? Crazy.

 

But even ignoring all of this, the fact that you're actually having arguments over the Internet is just insane. I mean, people are usually on their best behavior on the Internet. What she's doing is emotionally abusing you. She uses the arguments and the threat of breaking up with you to control and manipulate you. One key symptom is making you apologize profusely. You've developed an emotional dependence on her during these 2 1/2 years you've wasted when you could have been dating real girls. Like MissCanuck said, you're an ego boost to her. She's getting off making some guy a thousand miles away dance for her.

 

Look, if you're sensitive about your weight, ask out overweight girls for a while to get back into dating. And you both can join Weight Watchers. You might actually find someone you like that you can touch, hold, kiss, and make love to.

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No we have not met yet :/

 

Supposedly we will in two or 3 months time.

 

I don't understand why she sends me the type of photos she does or tells me she wants to marry me and that she takes me seriously as a person that might be the one. This is what really confuses me..

 

Because any adult who would talk about marriage without ever having met the other person isn't playing with a full deck, OP. You simply can't take a person like her seriously.

 

She's all talk, zero action. The meeting you've been waiting for is not going to happen.

 

It's time for you to detach from this fantasy and step back into the real world. Get out there, meet women in real life, so you can develop a real relationship and experience true love. This was neither of those things, sadly.

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Hi Dualitatem,

 

I just wanted to add that I definitely hear you. It is so easy in this day and age to fall into the trap of building a relationship online. I have done it myself, and even though I think that my relationship BEGAN when I was struggling with mental illness and addiction, these cyber relationships can be very addictive, especially if they are toxic, and it can be hard to find our way out of them, even after we are healed from illness or addiction.

 

My experience with 'chatting' to people online is that when meeting them in real life, it feels like you are meeting a completely different person. People are so different online to in real life, and this makes me feel like you are wasting your time chatting and engaging in this kind of online relationship, because your connection is not reality.

 

From her point of view, I can understand the reticence with meeting. She may have some insecurities which make her feel more safe talking to you online, and keeping her distance, but from my experience this is never going to change. It is basically just emotional unavailability. She is not going to all of a sudden change her mind and get excited about meeting up in person. Not unless she has been going to therapy and is really focussed on self development.

 

I feel like you will grow more as a person if you concentrate on connections in the real world, that you connect with face to face. There is nothing to be ashamed about your weight. And I feel like a relationship (and a good relationship) can come when we are consistently working towards our values of connection and being sociable.

 

I just feel like there is so much more for you, and like me, you might find that, if you are brave enough to go no contact on this fantasy cyber relationship, which sounds like she doesn't even respect you, much less love you, you might really find happiness and a more rewarding life.

 

Cheers,

Chai

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How do you know it is a woman or that those are photos of her? How do you know it is the same person writing to you and texting you at any one time? Have you sent her any money or has she asked for money? Why would you keep spending all this time talking to a stranger who flakes on you regularly about talking/meeting? What do you get out of the conversation when she is mostly silent? Ask yourself why you are investing this amount of effort and energy and time in a stranger and going to these lengths?

 

I would stop all contact now and get out there in real life around people at least 3 times a week. Volunteer (backstage at a community theater would be my suggestion), join a walking or hiking club/group, check around for meetups. Stay at least 45 mins to an hour at each social activity. I did that last night -I was really tired and was invited to a networking happy hour. It was a 15 minute walk from my home and my husband agreed to take our son to dinner so I could go. I went, spoke with 4 people there and left after 45 minutes (I was having a good time and needed to get back home). Getting ready to go was the hardest part and I knew I needed adult conversation and interaction in my situation. You can do this, this is just an example of how picking yourself up and dusting yourself off (or showering in my situation) and forcing yourself to be around real people hopefully with some stuff in common can do wonders.

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Sorry to hear this. It seems you are both hiding behind screens inventing false personas for whatever reason. Sadly this can suck you into the self-inflicted prison you find yourself in. That is you are now feeling more insecure rather than feeling better from doing this. Try to extricate yourself from this.

No we have not met yet
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