Girlfriend rejected my proposal

My girlfriend and I are both 26 and have been together for 2 and a half years. For the first year and a half she really liked me while I was in love/flirting with another woman while using my girlfriend for the interim hoping the other woman would fall for me so I could eventually leave my girlfriend for her. She wasn’t interested so I stayed with my girlfriend to not be alone. She found out and I admitted to liking but not loving her. She became cold and distant after that and we lived more as friends with benefits out of convenience. After this I started to pay attention to her and realized what a smart, funny, awesome person she was and how much she actually did for me (everything from supporting me financially to randomly bringing home my favorite ice cream). She got pregnant in August of last year and gave birth to our daughter 2 months ago who I’m smitten with. My girlfriend is an absolutely amazing mother and I decided to propose since I now know she’s the one and I’m completely in love but she rejected me and said she hasn’t felt for me the same since she found out what I had done but will stay for the baby. I know I was a before but I love both my girls more than anything and want my girlfriend to be my wife, how do I make it up to her and change her mind?

Good luck getting her to trust you again and feel love for you. You betrayed her in a terrible way and I totally understand why she feels the way she does. You're lucky she'll have anything to do with you.

You will have to spend a good chunk of your life trying to prove you really do love her.

I agree with the above poster, what a terrible way to treat a woman!!

She will always feel like she's second choice now, you can't fix that. It sounds like you don't deserve her.

As for her marrying you, I can't see it. You've made her feel like dirt, you emotionally cheated on her and you made her feel more than unloved.

I think you did far too much damage.

You can't make someone love you. Especially if you chased another woman during that time. I know of a man who tried to get back with his ex when he was his current gf because he was in love with her. She didn't take him back, he told his gf what he did. Things were fine for a year and an half. Then she started cheating cause she said he didn't love her and that she was second. No matter how hard he tried to convince her. Its up to her if she will give you a chance. If she does please prove to her you can be trusted.

You are both parents now and need to do what is in the best interest of your child. Thus, if there is a chance to become a united & loving family, fight for it.

She needs to change her perception of you. I hope others can shed some light on how to do that. All I know is that actions speak louder than words and that changing someone's perception takes time but it's not impossible.

Wait. She had a child with you after finding out you used her? If so you're not much better than one another.

So you used her to get an ex jealous and now live like a parasite "out of convenience"? Sorry but have no advice for this other than get your act together for your child, get a job for starters.

everything from supporting me financially. she hasn’t felt for me the same since she found out what I had done but will stay for the baby.

Wait. She had a child with you after finding out you used her? If so you're not much better than one another.

If you have sex, there's always a chance you can get pregnant, even using proper protection. So I wouldn't assume she used this guy in order to get a baby. Some people find it hard to kill babies, you know. Perhaps they don't care if pregnancy happens or not, despite using protection adequately, and are pro-life or don't mind having children once they're unexpectantly pregnant. It takes two to tango and accidents happen. For men, if a condom is used properly, that can be just as effective as women's birth control (up to 90%). This line of thinking is a cop out.

Anyway, I don't think there is a chance you can win her back. That ship has sailed and it's time to move on. Be a good co-parent and father, for your child's sake. Next time, if you decide to be in a relationship with someone, then be completely faithful, emotionally, mentally, and physically. There are a few ways to hurt your partner through cheating, and sex is only one of them.

For now, you need to get over your baby momma in order to pursue another relationship. Don't make the same mistake, or history will repeat itself.

She found out and I admitted to liking but not loving her. She became cold and distant after that and we lived more as friends with benefits out of convenience.

so you lived together?

I would figure out a custody agreement and then i would be the best dad you can be. She has woken up and realized she does not want to be with a man that had to "open his eyes to notice her" and basically settled for her and got used to her. Shame on both of you for having sex when you weren't in love and not using protection on top of it.

Sorry, dude,if you really loved her, you would have proposed before the baby was born. I think you only proposed because you are smitten with the baby and want to be sure you live with her full time

So if that other woman came back, would you drop your baby mama like a box of rocks?

Any woman who would accept someone as selfish as you have behaved, is Coo-Koo. I think you should put a pin in the proposal, and just be a good guy. Support them financially and physically - be a hands-on dad. Be loving. Don't be a drama queen over her saying no that you think it's now a license to be a jerk to her. It's not. You were horrible to her. That stuff takes TIME to recover from. I am still reeling from my husband sexting his ex in December. And that was just sexting. I think your expectations that you can just make up for everything you did with a ring and proposal are a bit insane. It's takes being a good, reliable and honest person moving forward filled with tons of doing nice things (cooking, diapers, cleaning, dates, talks, intimacy) in order to try to get back to her heart.

I bet you just can't stand that she doesn't look at you the way she did in the beginning. Not her fault. You broke her heart. What did you expect?

Shame on both of you for having sex when you weren't in love and not using protection on top of it

We did use protection, we were shocked by this as she was on the pill which her doctor explained to us after is rare but not impossible. Personally she is anti abortion so that wasn’t an option for her.

We did use protection, we were shocked by this as she was on the pill which her doctor explained to us after is rare but not impossible. Personally she is anti abortion so that wasn’t an option for her.

Abortion is not birth control -- so why even bring that into the mix?

you didn't answer my other part of the question: Why did you have sex with her if you were not in love with her, that you sort of "tolerated and settled" for her instead of setting her free to find a man who cherished her. Oh right --- you were thinking with your winkie. And she was available.

Honestly, please respect her wishes. Do you still live together? You should get separate living arrangements and she and you should both go to an attorney to arrange a custody, child support and visitation agreement. or she should. You are the father and be the best you can be, but a romantic relationship with her does not come attached to the baby. You need to focus on coparenting and hopefully in time she will find a man who loves her completely and will be an awesome stepdad. Maybe someday she will change her mind about you, but don't count your chickens. She will always have in the back of her mind that she was used by you. This isn't a movie.

What about the answer to the question asked....If this "dream" woman that you treated your gf so badly for came back and told you she wanted you, would you drop your current gf?

Ive already said that in the beginning it was out of loneliness but after I came clean I started to have feelings for her and I always liked her as a person from the beginning anyway

No of course not, I realize now I was just infatuated with the other woman there was never anything real there like there is with my girlfriend. I never want to be with anyone else but it’s almost like a role reversal where I adore her but she isn’t 100% into it anymore

Yes, let's do the role reversal. How would you cope if she were to turn to you and tell you that she likes having sex with you once in a while but does not love you. And she further goes on to say that there is this man who is virtually perfect and she adores him and wants him like you wouldn't believe...but she will hang out with you (for now) till she can get her dream man and lusts after him daily.

This also goes on for many months, mind you.

How would you deal? What do you think your self esteem would feel like? How would you feel if she all of a sudden said, "oh, he doesn't want me so now I will want you".

Honestly, really picture that and see how your heart feels.

I know I hurt her badly, don’t worry I feel hurt and rejected enough without another man thrown into the mix. I was just being stupid and didn’t realize I had a good thing going which is why I’m asking for advice on how to fix it.

Yes but Zb, this is why we are trying to tell you that it is possible it might not be fixed.

It would hurt like heck to love your partner only to have them staring off at someone else and basically making you feel like second choice and dog meat compared to this other person.

Luckily, you will never have to go through that because there isn't another man but I can tell you, it would be a nightmare.

Her getting over it might not be possible.

The best you can do is be a good Dad and treat them both well. I'm not saying it's impossible but the odds are most definitely against you.

Yes but Zb, this is why we are trying to tell you that it is possible it might not be fixed.

 

It would hurt like heck to love your partner only to have them staring off at someone else and basically making you feel like second choice and dog meat compared to this other person.

Luckily, you will never have to go through that because there isn't another man but I can tell you, it would be a nightmare.

Her getting over it might not be possible.

 

The best you can do is be a good Dad and treat them both well. I'm not saying it's impossible but the odds are most definitely against you.

Agree. I also think that if you are living together, you should transition to living separately. I think that as the baby gets a few months older, you move out - you tell her that since she doesn't want to be with you - its best for you to be the best dad you can be and coparent living separately. Get a visitation and child support arrangement together and coparent this child.

you said "she is staying for the baby" meaning she will stay being your girlfriend -- but never wife -- because of the baby. So...you plan to do that indefinitely -- stay together until you decide you found someone else?

I want to stay together forever which is why I want to marry her. She said she is open to staying together while the baby is young to raise her as a unit then separate when she becomes older and more independent but doesn't care if we separate now either but I don't want that to happen.

Sometimes the damage we do is irreparable. But she should not give your child a false sense of a good relationship . Kids are not dumb. They know when people are faking it.

Hey! Sorry this happened. It wasnt to long ago... I had an addiction that I was keeping from my wife. I got so tired to trying to hide everything and it was just wearing me out. Eventually, I filled her in on everything... It hurt her and our relationship. She lost some of her trust for me and I didnt blame her. I worked super hard to show my love for her and that I was sorry. She forgave me and worked everything out. Have you considered taking couples counseling? I will be praying for you guys and hope you all work things out.

Hey! Sorry this happened. It wasnt to long ago... I had an addiction that I was keeping from my wife. I got so tired to trying to hide everything and it was just wearing me out. Eventually, I filled her in on everything... It hurt her and our relationship. She lost some of her trust for me and I didnt blame her. I worked super hard to show my love for her and that I was sorry. She forgave me and worked everything out. Have you considered taking couples counseling? I will be praying for you guys and hope you all work things out.

you loved your wife, and then made a mistake. He was in a sham relationship with a woman that he didn't love and then decided she wasn't too bad. Big difference

Her indifference and desire not to stay together tells you where you stand. Are you financially motivated to stay with her? Do you work full time? Are you contributing financially? You'll have to pay child support and have partial custody/visitation either way.

She said she is open to staying together while the baby is young to raise her as a unit then separate when she becomes older and more independent but doesn't care if we separate now either but I don't want that to happen.