Struggling a bit with Boyfriend's Frequent Travel Schedule

I guess I'm just looking for some general support/wisdom/encouragement.

 

My SO and I live in the same city and while he's here things are generally quite good between us, and my feelings toward him are usually overwhelmingly positive. He has told me a number of times that he takes our relationship very seriously, that he feels very strongly about it, and wants it to be "for the long term".

 

As part of his career, however, he spends, on average, about 9 days per month on the opposite coast of the country. (Sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less). He has his own place there, and this has been his lifestyle for years. It's a non-negotiable for his career; he really does have to be there.

 

In theory I'm totally fine with this. However, I've noticed that every time he leaves, it has a very real impact on my feelings about him and the relationship. It's such a distinctive feeling and even follows the same pattern every time: 1) He leaves, and I feel totally in love with him and miss him tremendously for the first 2 days or so, (2) Then something switches in my head, and I start to feel a bit distant; a bit cold; not so close to him. (3) I begin to think more negative things about him and less positive. I start to ruminate about the things about him (and about us) that are less than perfect, rather than the many things I love. I can sometimes start to feel a bit paranoid or distrustful (i.e., worrying about his fidelity or his feelings about me (even he hasn't given me any reason that this is actually an issue).

 

I realize that this may my mind playing tricks on me, but the effects are very real. In the past, during his travels, he would text me frequently, but for some reason we would never speak on the phone. Several months ago I mentioned that I'd like to speak on the phone too, and so now we do that too -- in addition to text frequently. In fact, since I said that, he makes a point of calling me EVERY single day he travels, which is nice.

 

He has extended to me an open invitation to go with him anytime he goes out there (he is happy to cover my airfare, and always invites me along). But I work during the week, so it amounts to a lot of travel for not a ton of time (it also seems like a big expense to spend a few days with him; and I worry about getting in his hair). For instance he's away now -- he offered to bring me out either last weekend or this weekend, but I declined (it seemed like a lot of traveling for not a lot of time, and feel a bit guilty having him fly me).

 

It basically comes down to a situation where I feel like it interferes with my sense of intimacy with him. I am hesitant to mention this to him, cause he hasn't done anything wrong -- and I'm not sure what he/we can do better. I just don't know why I feel this way, and worry about its effects on me and the relationship. I'm not sure what effect any of this has on him. He's not the most expressive or outwardly emotional guy. I don't know if he actually misses me or if it feels hard on him. I don't know if he offers to fly me out and (now) calls every day because he misses me, or if he's just being a good guy.

 

He doesn't know how I feel about his traveling. I haven't mentioned it because I don't want to seem like I'm complaining or to bring negative energy into the relationship. And I'm not sure what else I can ask for in terms of how we're dealing with it.

As a military spouse I understand this is difficult. What you need is to find someone else who shares your experience of a partner who is away a lot. During those times I spend a lot of time with friends or visiting family, working, going places with my son .

 

I don’t think you have anything to fear his being awake. Maybe too discuss your feelings with a counsellor.

How long have you been together and (you don't have to answer this but just curious) how old are you guys?

 

When he is in the same city as you, when you spend time apart (let's say while you're at work or out with friends), do you find yourself feeling these negative thoughts or is it truly ONLY when he is on the other coast? I'm just asking because it sounds like maybe your mind is trying to tell you something. Are you ready to be in a serious relationship? He seems to be willing and able to do whatever he can to make you feel comfortable and happy, yet you are declining the ability to travel with and spend more time with him.

 

My guess is that there's something else going on in your mind that you are unwilling to accept, and possibly it has to do with your compatibility or maybe you simply are not ready for this kind of a serious relationship? It's hard to say, but I think what you need to do is sit down and ask yourself these hard questions, try to determine where these negative feelings are coming from, whether or not they are valid. Only once you have done that should you attempt to talk to him about it.

I mean, there's no "in theory" as to whether you're fine with it or you aren't. Fact is you aren't. He's extended you an open invitation to fly out and join him whenever you'd like, on his dime. You wanted him to call you more. He calls you every day. You wanted him to text you more. Those are now frequent.

 

It interferes with your sense of intimacy because a lot of people out there simply aren't built for a relationship wherein their partner's gone a third of every month. To be honest, as someone who's a pretty hardcore introvert, I'd love it. When my lady travels for conferences, that's my prime time to unwind. But, again, it's understandably not everyone's cup of tea, and you've got to be honest with yourself about that.

 

By your admission, he's done pretty much all he can to placate your emotional struggles with it. You're not mentioning it to him again because he hasn't done anything wrong, but I also think it's because you know the options are exhausted. He can't, won't, and shouldn't give up his livelihood, and, to be frank, there are plenty of likewise great women out there who would get along perfect knowing they'd have a solid week to themselves every month, just as there are plenty of guys who would fall in line with your preference for proximity.

 

Take a look at the dynamic now. Imagine it next month, the month after, next year, the year after, etc. If you're catching yourself telling yourself that, despite how great of a guy he might be, this isn't the life you want with a partner, then while it may not be easy or what you want to hear, it could be time to put on your big girl pants and act on your best long-term interests.

Your post comes across to me as a lot of insecurities. Like you are trying to tell yourself that you trust him while he is away and that you are OK with it, but you really don't trust him and since you are not being honest about it with yourself, it's just eating away at you in different forms. He seems open with you and I think you need to stop rejecting his invitation for you to come with him on one of these trips and see how he lives there, what he does and so on. I think it might actually help you alleviate your fears and insecurities a lot and help you feel better about his travels and what he is doing. When you don't know, imagination tends to run wild. As for the feeling guilty about the tickets, honestly, when someone offers you something, maybe believe that they are offering what they can easily afford to do and are happy to do so and have the grace to accept it, especially if he travels so much, he probably has tons of airline miles saved up and it will actually cost him virtually nothing. Basically, go and set your mind at ease.

I mean, there's no "in theory" as to whether you're fine with it or you aren't. Fact is you aren't. He's extended you an open invitation to fly out and join him whenever you'd like, on his dime. You wanted him to call you more. He calls you every day. You wanted him to text you more. Those are now frequent.

 

It interferes with your sense of intimacy because a lot of people out there simply aren't built for a relationship wherein their partner's gone a third of every month. To be honest, as someone who's a pretty hardcore introvert, I'd love it. When my lady travels for conferences, that's my prime time to unwind. But, again, it's understandably not everyone's cup of tea, and you've got to be honest with yourself about that.

 

By your admission, he's done pretty much all he can to placate your emotional struggles with it. You're not mentioning it to him again because he hasn't done anything wrong, but I also think it's because you know the options are exhausted. He can't, won't, and shouldn't give up his livelihood, and, to be frank, there are plenty of likewise great women out there who would get along perfect knowing they'd have a solid week to themselves every month, just as there are plenty of guys who would fall in line with your preference for proximity.

 

Take a look at the dynamic now. Imagine it next month, the month after, next year, the year after, etc. If you're catching yourself telling yourself that, despite how great of a guy he might be, this isn't the life you want with a partner, then while it may not be easy or what you want to hear, it could be time to put on your big girl pants and act on your best long-term interests.

I am pretty good with it because I get the house my way.😂 It gets a little more upsetting as deployments drag into months but keeping in contact regularly when possible and reaching out to friends and family helps.

It sounds to me like this "intimacy cycle" you describe going through when he's gone, is your mind telling you that you may just not be made for this type of travel dynamic in a relationship. He seems like a good partner otherwise, trying to make you feel at ease as best as he can, but it's ok to not be compatible with his life-style. I think as much as you try to convince yourself, this may just not be working for you in the long run and it's good you're recognizing that.

Sometimes it's time to admit to yourself that there are too many incompatibilities and a situation is not working for you.

Is this is the same guy that made you fly coach while he flew first class? Of course you have doubts! We discussed this last month:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=551891&page=3

 

You're just a part-time girlfriend. I think the relationship is not one of equals. He lives in a totally different world and you're not part of it. And I'm sure there are some character flaws other than not buying you a first-class ticket that is bothering you.

Is this is the same guy that made you fly coach while he flew first class? Of course you have doubts! We discussed this last month:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=551891&page=3

 

You're just a part-time girlfriend. I think the relationship is not one of equals. He lives in a totally different world and you're not part of it. And I'm sure there are some character flaws other than not buying you a first-class ticket that is bothering you.

 

Yikes, I'm not sure where you're getting "part time girlfriend" or "totally different world"?! That's definitely not the case. But yes it it is the same guy from the last thread (the one that went on for for so long [even after I stopped responding] that the mods shut it down -- so please let's not revive that here).

Sometimes it's time to admit to yourself that there are too many incompatibilities and a situation is not working for you.

 

The situation IS overall working for me. But I do find myself struggling when he goes away. The struggle isn't so terrible that I'd consider ending the relationship over it. I'd like to find away to work through it.

Your post comes across to me as a lot of insecurities. Like you are trying to tell yourself that you trust him while he is away and that you are OK with it, but you really don't trust him and since you are not being honest about it with yourself, it's just eating away at you in different forms. He seems open with you and I think you need to stop rejecting his invitation for you to come with him on one of these trips and see how he lives there, what he does and so on. I think it might actually help you alleviate your fears and insecurities a lot and help you feel better about his travels and what he is doing. When you don't know, imagination tends to run wild. As for the feeling guilty about the tickets, honestly, when someone offers you something, maybe believe that they are offering what they can easily afford to do and are happy to do so and have the grace to accept it, especially if he travels so much, he probably has tons of airline miles saved up and it will actually cost him virtually nothing. Basically, go and set your mind at ease.

 

This is great advice, and rings true to me. I did go out there with him a month and a half ago, and I felt very close to him after and it was nice. Maybe as you say, I should just try to go more -- and not second guess the offer.

Yikes, I'm not sure where you're getting "part time girlfriend" or "totally different world"?! That's definitely not the case. But yes it it is the same guy from the last thread (the one that went on for for so long [even after I stopped responding] that the mods shut it down -- so please let's not revive that here).

 

Well, the part-time girlfriend part is that he's on the West Coast a lot of the time and you made it clear that you really don't fit in to that world. And you're not exactly sure what he's doing out there and who he's seeing. And not flying with you, by either buying two business class tickets together or two first-class tickets together when he has a ton of money and he probably could have deducted your ticket as a business expense shows a character flaw about how generous and considerate he is. Yes, he'll cover your plane ticket -- by making you fly coach!

 

And you're the one saying that when he leaves, you start thinking about the negative aspects of your relationship. There's a lot of things bugging you. It sounds like this really isn't the kind of relationship you want to be in. You need a full-time boyfriend not someone flying around a third of the time.

This is great advice, and rings true to me. I did go out there with him a month and a half ago, and I felt very close to him after and it was nice. Maybe as you say, I should just try to go more -- and not second guess the offer.

 

What you've said about him and your relationship, sounds like he is a good man and like he is trying to do right by you as long as YOU open your mouth and tell him what you want/need from him. For example, you told him that you'd like phone calls while he is gone, so no problem, he calls you daily. No arguments, no broken promises, no excuses. I hope you are able to appreciate that because you won't get that from most guys.

 

I really think that you need to work on two separate issues. One is being honest with yourself about what you like/dislike, want, etc and learning how to speak up openly and honestly about it. Don't say something is OK with you when it isn't and don't bottle up whatever things or issues are bothering you about him and your relationship. Learn how to communicate about it rather bottle up and then explode some day out of the blue. The second part is working on your own insecurities and baggage from your past. It sounds to me like you are busy self sabotaging a good relationship because of those issues.

Your post comes across to me as a lot of insecurities. Like you are trying to tell yourself that you trust him while he is away and that you are OK with it, but you really don't trust him and since you are not being honest about it with yourself, it's just eating away at you in different forms. He seems open with you and I think you need to stop rejecting his invitation for you to come with him on one of these trips and see how he lives there, what he does and so on. I think it might actually help you alleviate your fears and insecurities a lot and help you feel better about his travels and what he is doing. When you don't know, imagination tends to run wild. As for the feeling guilty about the tickets, honestly, when someone offers you something, maybe believe that they are offering what they can easily afford to do and are happy to do so and have the grace to accept it, especially if he travels so much, he probably has tons of airline miles saved up and it will actually cost him virtually nothing. Basically, go and set your mind at ease.

 

This is great advice, and rings true to me. I did go out there with him a month and a half ago, and I felt very close to him after and it was nice. Maybe as you say, I should just try to go more -- and not second guess the offer.

The situation IS overall working for me. But I do find myself struggling when he goes away. The struggle isn't so terrible that I'd consider ending the relationship over it. I'd like to find away to work through it.

 

Could this also be related to an older thread of yours, about the woman he was seeing who kept after him even after he reunited with you? She lives in that area, no? I am referring to this one:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543853

 

I don't mean that he's seeing her while he's there, to be clear. Rather, I think a lot of your unease about him being there is likely triggered by your uneasy feelings about her, even if you no longer consciously view her as a threat.

 

Just something to chew on.

What you've said about him and your relationship, sounds like he is a good man and like he is trying to do right by you as long as YOU open your mouth and tell him what you want/need from him. For example, you told him that you'd like phone calls while he is gone, so no problem, he calls you daily. No arguments, no broken promises, no excuses. I hope you are able to appreciate that because you won't get that from most guys.

 

I really think that you need to work on two separate issues. One is being honest with yourself about what you like/dislike, want, etc and learning how to speak up openly and honestly about it. Don't say something is OK with you when it isn't and don't bottle up whatever things or issues are bothering you about him and your relationship. Learn how to communicate about it rather bottle up and then explode some day out of the blue. The second part is working on your own insecurities and baggage from your past. It sounds to me like you are busy self sabotaging a good relationship because of those issues.

 

Yeah! I think you are really on to something with this. Thank you! I have been worried that I am somehow unconsciously self sabotaging a bit... Maybe the bit of unintended "separation anxiety" that his absence brings out is putting me on the defensive a bit. And he does respond very reasonably to what I ask... I need to work on being less shy about talking about things openly -- and talking about how things might work a little better for me.

Could this also be related to an older thread of yours, about the woman he was seeing who kept after him even after he reunited with you? She lives in that area, no? I am referring to this one:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543853

 

I don't mean that he's seeing her while he's there, to be clear. Rather, I think a lot of your unease about him being there is likely triggered by your uneasy feelings about her, even if you no longer consciously view her as a threat.

 

Just something to chew on.

 

Hey MissCanuck. Yes! He was seeing that woman during a period where he and I were fully broken up. He stopped seeing her when we got back together. That was almost a year ago. This was all also before my relationship with him got more serious.

 

I am not worried about her specifically at ALL (ironically, her insane behavior toward the end put the nail in the coffin of them being able to be even friends again). But, yes, sure.... I am on some level I'm probably insecure about the fact that there could be similar opportunities out there for him, should he choose to pursue them. I have no actual reason to believe anything like that is happening, or will happen. He has demonstrated that he is very invested in making things work with me. but I suppose, yes, in my more paranoid moments, there are times when I wonder about things and get insecure. I'm not sure what the best way to deal with that is! Any advice? I know what he does out there most of the time (but certainly not every single night or every waking moment; that would feel invasive / needy / obsessive).

As a military spouse I understand this is difficult. What you need is to find someone else who shares your experience of a partner who is away a lot. During those times I spend a lot of time with friends or visiting family, working, going places with my son .

 

I don’t think you have anything to fear his being awake. Maybe too discuss your feelings with a counsellor.

 

Thanks, Seraphim. That makes sense. How often is your partner away? I do think it takes somebody in that position to really understand... I consider myself independent; I also have an active social life and people to spend time with; I also do have activities that I enjoy doing alone (and/or with people who are not my bf).

Thanks, Seraphim. That makes sense. How often is your partner away? I do think it takes somebody in that position to really understand... I consider myself independent; I also have an active social life and people to spend time with; I also do have activities that I enjoy doing alone (and/or with people who are not my bf).

 

He hasn’t been away in a few years because he is in a training SQ but he was away posted elsewhere for 5 years and we saw him every second weekend for five years . He has been deployed for up to 6 months at a time.

Honestly - if you are dating someone, there will be at least 9 days per month that you will not see that person arbitrarily anyhow. Perhaps your insecurity lies more with the fact that he was dating a woman while on his trips to the other coast in the past and its not really about him being gone 9 out of 30/31 days which is not a lot. if he was gone a month or two at a time, i could understand your inability to be comfortable with the schedule for dating.

I start to ruminate about ...

 

As you've noticed, rumination is not our friend. What kind of interests are you passionate about? If you had no BF, what kind of self development would you pursue to hone your focus on creating a fulfilling life solo?

 

Consider that if you discuss this with BF, there wouldn't be anything he could do about it. If you decide to dump BF, you'll still be in the same place, only you'll ruminate about whether you've made the right choice and could have possibly pursued interests, new friendships, closer family bonds and possibly even therapy to overcome the pattern that made you miserable--and you'd need to do all this stuff anyway to recover from a breakup.

 

So? Why not invest in building your own life solo and see whether that resolves the issue. If so. great, and if not, you'll already have your foundation built for dumping the guy and moving yourself forward onto more productive pursuits.

Unfortunately there is no solution since he travels for his profession and you can't afford to go that often.

I work during the week, so it amounts to a lot of travel for not a ton of time it also seems like a big expense to spend a few days with himIt basically comes down to a situation where I feel like it interferes with my sense of intimacy with him.

I need to work on being less shy about talking about things openly -- and talking about how things might work a little better for me.

Errrr... wait. Him responding reasonably when you ask doesn't mean you keep asking for concessions. The issue (at least in this situation) isn't talking about things openly. You've already gotten him to amend his natural and comfortable style of communication (something I'm not a fan of asking, but opinions differ), having him call you daily and text you frequently. He's already extended you a blank check to fly out to him as you please. As far as any objective to be achieved from openly talking absent unfairly putting it on him to help cope with a mutually understood condition of your relationship-- you've done it. Conditions are as ideal as they're ever going to be in this situation. This is where healthy internalization techniques and self-reflection come into play. Maybe some of the posters here are right in this potentially boiling down to insecurity. Consider that option if you feel it valuable, but also don't dismiss the fact many people simply don't want a potentially life-long relationship wherein one partner is gone a week every month of the year. You know yourself better than we do. Take the time and effort to sort it out.

There are a lot of professionals whose time away may be too intense for you and would be best avoided.:

Doctor

Law Enforcement

Military

Pilot

CEO

Musician

Restaurateur...or any business owner

Actor

And many more...

 

Perhaps a M-F, 9-5 guy would be a better fit.