Meeting an ex?

After 3 months of very little contact, I received a request to meet from ex g/f with following message:

“It’s selfish on my behalf to want to see you I know.... because I ended it. But I can’t help it. Although it came from me I’ve been feeling it too. I also feel that I’ve managed to get more clarity in my thoughts. I’m not saying it’s makes a difference to our situation and tbh I wouldnt meet if either of us were thinking we would get back together but I’d like to be able to talk about it with you and see you. It’s up to you if you want that, it may just hurt us both more.”

She also said her mum told her if she doesn’t meet me she will never know, I asked know what and she said “if we should meet”.

Reasons quoted for break up were that I am not emotional enough and that she is needy and needs long sentimental conversations and whilst I am wonderful, charming, kind and dedicated I’m just not like that.

I wondered if there were others who might advise if should go to this meeting as I am quite undecided. I don’t know anything about her life since she left. I don’t really want to know nor do I see a friendship at this stage.

Thank you.

Okay, so you don't see friendship at this stage. Is there something you see? Do you want to get back together?

If that's the case, I'd just respectfully let her know that you're happy she's found some clarity but that now is not the time to meet up. Bottom line here: you, and your own emotional health, is the only priority here. You don't owe her anything, least of all to be a sounding board where she can unload some "clarity" and feel better about her decision.

Being dumped sucks. But so does dumping. Absent the most toxic of situations, it's rarely a clear choice. You miss the person, you have doubts. The fact that you're saying she's "needy," and that she's even saying she's being "selfish" doesn't bode super well here—it's the very dynamic that didn't work, right? Three months out she's in the void, craving a hit of comfort, maybe wondering if that hit of comfort will jolt her into even more clarity. That's human, but it also puts you in an unfair position.

Well....the fundamental personality differences are still going to be there, she isn't asking to reconcile either. In fact, if I'm reading it right, she is just being exactly herself - needy and looking for you to be her emotional tampon even she dumped you and knows it's wrong.

It also sounds like you are well on your way toward healing and moving on, so in your shoes, my response would be firm and brief and along the lines of "it's best that we continue moving forward separately." and of course point out that it's too soon to try being friends. Basically, I'd make it very clear that this door is closed.

Personally, I don't believe in keeping ex's around as friends, it causes more problems and drama than create any good. Only exception to that would be you have children or work together or some such where you have to be in contact with each other.

she is needy and needs long sentimental conversations

So is this the point of meeting up then? To have a long sentimental conversation about her clarity? She's right - her request is selfish as this is for her own benefit. She needs to find a different outlet to process her emotions rather than using you as an emotional dumping ground. She's feeling the pain of the break up, doesn't want to get back together, but wants to use seeing/talking to you to feel better. It appears she's just playing out her "need" to talk everything to death. Funny how she dumps you for not being emotional enough but wants to come back after the fact to talk out her emotions.

She also said her mum told her if she doesn’t meet me she will never know, I asked know what and she said “if we should meet”.

If she doesn't meet you she will never know if you should meet?? What does that even mean? She needs more time to process what's going through her head and come up with a more coherent response.

You say you aren't ready to be friends, she says she doesn't want to get back together; so I guess you have to figure out what the purpose of this is and what the benefit is to you. It almost sounds as if she's setting you up for a "let's be friends/stay in touch" while I sort myself out kind of thing.

Okay, so she's feeling sad and crappy for leaving you, that is normal and she should feel sad and crappy and you should feel sad and crappy. It's a breakup, they are usually sad and crappy.

That does not mean you should meet up with her again, in fact, meeting her again will probably only make you both feel more sad and crappy and add more time to your recovery process. Her mom says "she will never know" if she doesn't meet you, never know what? She already knows you aren't compatible with her, why waste time going back just to find it out all over again? I did this, I left my boyfriend, moved out and I got roped back into a relationship with him again for the same reasons ("I'll never know if it could have worked out if I don't try"). Well, it didn't work out the first time and it didn't work out the second time, I added an extra year of memories (good and bad) and furthered my attachment and co-dependence, making it that much harder to walk away this time.

Take it from me, you already know, and you don't want to repeat this.

There is utterly no point to this.

She does not want to reconcile, even if you do.

She is using you to assuage her guilt and get some validation.

Don't do it.

Lol thank you all, fairly unanimous response!

I think I would reconcile I guess, but feels a long time now.

Yes I’ve been healing but this msg has also been accompanied by more general messages, and I can’t but help feel that’s has made me feel better, whiich of course is false.

My take on it was perhaps she had some doubts and was wondering what she would feel if she saw me again. Perhaps hopeful thinking but I could imagine her relying on the feelings at a particular moment.

Perhaps there was outside involvement and grass is not greener type of thing?

I’m not sure what she needs to add - yes perhaps more info which in reality is in her mind to soften the blow, perhaps take some responsibility (as it was previously suggested that it was all my fault / flaws), but of course yes that’s to relieve her own guilt. And really no requirement at this stage, I’ve not chased or asked for more reasons.

And yes I’ve thought about attempting to be more emotional and having a long chat, in the hope that makes her feel differently. Again probably wishful thinking.

Does a needy emotional person have to be with a needy emotional person ? I would have hoped one side being calm and rational would make a god couple.

If you aren't an emotional guy, do you really want to force yourself to try to be, and sit through long chats about feelings? It might work for you guys for a short time but my guess is that you'll become tired of it and maybe resentful.

Does a needy emotional person have to be with a needy emotional person ? I would have hoped one side being calm and rational would make a god couple.

No, but an emotionally needy person needs someone who is at the very least emotionally available, and if they are with someone who is emotionally unavailable, they will begin to seek emotional availability outside of their relationships. You were hoping to balance her out with your rationality, but unfortunately it sounds like either she is too emotionally needy for you or you're too emotionally unavailable for her.

"Does a needy emotional person have to be with a needy emotional person ? I would have hoped one side being calm and rational would make a god couple."

On the contrary, opposites initially attract, but then they fight. When you are opposite of each other, it's actually very difficult to understand each other, to meet each other's needs and does lead to a lot of frustrations. Arriving at mutually satisfying compromise can be extremely difficult, the compromising is ongoing and few couples manage that successfully. Those who do manage these kind of differences successfully tend to be not too far apart from each other. More like one a little more level headed, one a little more emotional, but they are close enough in temperament that it's not too difficult to align.

When you have two people who are too far apart temperament wise so to speak, neither one will ever be truly happy in the long run. The needy person will never feel satisfied or understood and will become increasingly frustrated. The calmer more rational person may try their best to meet those needs, but over time, they'll become exhausted and drained by the constant neediness. It's a lose/lose scenario with no long term happiness. Extremely needy people can be like a black hole - they drain the very life out of you and still, never enough.

Look, don't do it. Meeting with her, even responding to her messages is interrupting your healing process. Look at all these confused thoughts you're having. You need to say no and then go No Contact so you don't hear from her, talk to her, and so on.

What she is trying to do by being needy is to control and manipulate you. She enjoys the idea of being inside your head. You won't get closure from any meeting. She is actually going to inflict as much emotional pain as possible on you. Listen to what she's told you. That it's your fault she broke up with you. You weren't emotional enough. You didn't fit her idea of a boyfriend. She's setting you up. She probably wants to hear you beg her to come back and to try again. She might even give you a few breadcrumbs. But she is an emotional vampire, and when she's made you miserable, she'll be done with you.

I would tell you to stay away from her. She is trouble. She is not worth it. There are plenty of nice girls out there. You just have to find one.

I don't think she's being purposely manipulative, but the meeting is not a good idea. You both still have feelings for each other, but that doesn't mean you should be together. The amount of pain you feel after a breakup is also a terrible indicator of whether or not you should return to a relationship. The two of you aren't compatible - plain and simple. Stay away and go back to NC if you don't want to turn the situation into a toxic yo-to involvement.

I don't think it's ever a good idea to sit across from someone who has already broken up with you, just so they can continue to justify their reasons for dumping you 3 months later. Why would anyone agree to put themselves through this?

This benefits her and gives her some sort of relief at your expense. Yet you are the one who was left behind. Where's the compassion for what you've been through?

Somehow, we get lulled into thinking there's that minuscule chance that if you were in the same room with them, they'd come to their senses. No. . that's just wishful thinking.

If you still wish for reconciliation, decline her offer graciously and tell her if she ever has a change of heart to let you know.

But between now and then tell her you are working on moving forward and wish her well in return.

Thank you all for your replies / advice

I agree that her intention is not trying to manipulate you, but that doesn't mean she isn't being manipulative. She simply does not have a grasp on her own feelings, probably hasn't for some time, hence the whole "needy" thing. "Needy" generally means someone can't sit still with themselves, but instead they require another person to validate/soothe/clarify whatever they're feeling whenever they're a little confused. That is a center that never, ever holds. Like you said, she does probably want to sit across from you and see how she feels. But whatever she feels in that moment will be fleeting because inside she's just confused.

You know, right now, what you want: to reconcile. That means the only communication from her you should be open to is her saying straight up that she has done some thinking and wants to get back together. Anything short of that is not enough, and in the meantime you go about living your life, healing, sitting with your own complex thoughts and feelings without "needing" her to validate or soothe them. So, yeah, just cooly and respectfully let her know that now is not the time to meet up.

2 years ago everyone above told me not to go to this meeting, but I did, we got back together for a further 2 years or so but it happened again in May this year. I tried doubly hard to make it work - and that seemed to make it worse. The last 4/5months I’ve sat at home in the lockdown on my own trying to get over the shock of it (literally days before she told me how much she loved me and missed me when I was not with her). I’ve not pursued once or really heard much.

The advice was correct but it was so hard not to go and meet up with someone you love. Lesson learned I guess.

It was her lads 18th last week and it feels so rough to not be involved.

Just because it didn't work out in the end, doesn't mean it was a mistake to go in the first place. You had two more years together. I doubt it was two years of pain and hurt or you probably would have broken up sooner. There had to have been good times in there as well. Remember and cherish those moments. Know that you had an impact in each other's lives. Did you learn about yourself from being with her? Did you try to get more in touch with that sentimental side? You can learn from what went wrong and know how to handle things better with someone else. Or you can see the kind of things that you want to avoid in future relationships.

You're still hurting from breaking up. It's easy and understandable that you would want to believe it was a mistake to see her again. But I like to try to see the positive in what we do. You gave it a shot and tried to hold onto love. There's nothing wrong with that. Even if it didn't give the happy ever after, I hope you can eventually enjoy the memory of what you did have.

I hope you feel better. It does get better, eventually.

Thank you Shysoul