My wife changed her passcode on her phone

A few months ago she started a new job, and to cut a long story short there was a guy there she’d mention that got my attention more than the other males she’d talk about in relation to work.

One night they all went out, a couple of hours later I saw a photo of just this guy talking to someone off camera on my wife’s Instagram story. It bugged me a little bit that my wife felt the need to take a photo of just him but I didn’t dwell on it.

As the weeks passed he would message her outside of the work group chat, it was flirty - not outright sexual - but the flirty remarks you make trying to allude to and form a connection just between you both.

After she got a text near 10pm one night I let my wife know that a line needs to be drawn and she said she would draw it.

She told me she finds him very annoying.

My wife stayed with the same company but transferred to a new location for work related reasons.

The week she left I happened to see a text from him, a reply from my wife and a reply back from him. Wasn’t anything flirty but I was irritated he was still texting outside the group chat after proving himself to be a flirt, I was irritated my wife says he’s very annoying, and she doesn’t work with him any more, yet texts are still appearing from him. She blocked her old boss as soon as she left so why not him?

I didn’t say anything to my wife and let it pass.

About 3 days later, my wife fell asleep and left her phone in the kitchen. I know I shouldn’t have but I entered her passcode and checked her texts, and the ones from him were deleted. That made me very suspicious and I calmly asked her the next day why they were deleted.

I calmly confronted her about it and she said it was because she knew “I’d freak out” if I saw texts from him (??) and that he’s “extremely annoying” and doesn’t want texts from him. “I didn’t cheat or do anything wrong” was her follow up text, and that made me feel even more suspicious.

I just put her phone on charge for the morning and the passcode is now six digits long, rather than the four digit one I knew.

There was some issues of exes texting us early in our marriage, but neither of us changed our passcodes even though I knew she went through my phone. I’ve been happy to let her use my phone and she has with me, so why has she changed the passcode now?

I never get this way, so when I do I listen.

My gut is telling me I don’t like it, but I’m also doubting if there’s anything to worry about.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Hello,

It is reasonable to feel frustrated as she is not honest with you. The fact that she had to say that “I didn’t cheat or do anything wrong” it kind of indicates that it's something that she is trying to convince her self too.

In my opinion there is definitely something going on. I would recommend you to be very firm with your wife. Try to reverse the roles and ask how would she feel like if you did the same. Make sure she understand that you mean business.

Unfortunately, most of the times people regret infidelity until they are caught and it's too late.

She might be doing it for attention, she might be just flirting...or she might have plans in cheating ...other way she is on the wrong. How is your relationship in general? How long have you been married for?

I have learned the hard way that if your partner is going to cheat they are going to cheat. Doesn't really matter what you do or what you try to prevent. The only thing you can do is really just work on what you got now if it's fighting for. This is the only decision you have to make and nothing more. Either decide that you both need to work the current relationship and try to improve on it or just drop the whole thing period. If you continue to push her, she may cheat for that reason. If you do not push her and she cheats then that's what she is going to do. So unless you have absolute evidence that she cheated I would work on the relationship together to make it better and that's only if you determine that it's worth it to try. So be firm about the situation and voice that you do not like it and explain the concept of emotional cheating as well. Then I would just drop it unless you have real evidence that she has cheated. Then after that, you've said what you didn't like she was doing so there is nothing more to say then filing divorce papers.

This way you voiced your concerns, gave her basically a warning then if she still followed through and cheated then all you do is file papers without saying anything. It will hit her hard then of her mistakes.

When becoming serious in a relationship, boundaries should be discussed, and if a couple don't match in what they think the boundaries should be, they shouldn't be together.

You now have to have a discussion after the fact. Tell her what your boundaries are, and that crossing them is causing the marriage to be on shaky ground. Tell her your plan of righting things, and if she isn't on the same page, either ask her to attend marriage counseling or end the marriage. Because a woman who accepts communication from a man who is giving her attention means that she values this attention more than she values the sanctity of her marriage. She's also pouring emotional time and energy into another man every time she communicates with him. If you can't convince her of this, maybe a counselor can. Good luck.

OP, 1Tym is right.

Keep your focus on what you have between you. What stays between you. How it enriches you both. And, because change is obviously necessary, how it doesn't enrich you both and what you (both) need to do to make it fulfilling.

Each of you has needs that aren't being met. Make a plan together that meets your needs.

OP, Ignore almost everything other people tell you, including us. Your instincts + your commitment to the relationship are the only two things that matter and you know those better than we do.

My friends whose marriage survived cheating did it by NOT talking about the other people. The other people NEVER entered their couple space. They addressed their relationship needs, the low self-esteem of one, the inattentiveness of the other, and over two years, evolved into a stronger couple than before.

My exH and I did not survive cheating. Instead, we decided we weren't well suited for one another. My bf and his exW came to the same conclusion. The commitment between the parties in these marriages was not strong enough to overcome the needs of the individuals. All four of us could have overcome the cheating; the cheating wasn't the issue.

Focus on the quality of your connection and how to improve it. You will likely run into self esteem issues, fears of self-exposure and fears of deeper intimacy, fears of being alone. Go slowly.

Something's off here, you have a right to feel suspicious and frustrated.

Your wife and her co-worker may not have done anything overtly physical or sexual (as she claims she "didn't cheat") but they definitely seem to have a deeper connection than just co-workers, possibly an emotional connection. If she deleted the text messages and changed her passcode upon finding out you saw them, she is attempting to hide the extent of her relationship with her co-worker from you and she's doing a bad job (is that on purpose?).

The fact that she keeps calling this guy annoying is also a red flag, she is trying to convince you that he is no threat to you or your relationship so you will get off her back and she can continue to do whatever it is she is doing with this guy (again, might not be sexual, but still not good). My biggest worry is that while she is being dishonest with you, she is venting to her co-worker about you and her co-worker might know a lot about you...

I would be more forward with your requests that a line be drawn, as it doesn't seem like she drew any lines. Tell her you feel uneasy that she changed her passcode and deleted text messages and if she is unhappy in any way, she should come to you about it so you can work things out. Instead, it seems like she is seeking attention from other men, and that will do no good for your marriage, and will continue as long as you allow it to.

Deleting messages and changing pass codes suggests she is hiding something.

If not then why do it?

Suggesting you would freak out? Freak out about what exactly?

At the very least, you asked her to create some boundaries with this flirtatious man. Hiding their communication activity suggests she isn't respecting what you asked of her because if she had there wouldn't be a risk of you `freaking out' would there?

I have scores of text messages from male friends and coworkers. My bf can read them anytime he'd like because there is nothing suspicious or inappropriate about them.

If I were hiding something. . I too might start deleting them and changing my password.

There's another guy>

To understand infidelity, read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough"

More info about the marriage would help.

She's doing something behind your back.

If she genuinely found him annoying, then he would have been blocked the moment she transferred to the new location.

Instead, she continues to message him, but is deleting those messages "just in case" you were to go on her phone.

You did, and now she knows your suspicious, so she's doing damage-control by preventing you from accessing her phone.

At the very least, she's emotionally cheating, and that's as bad as physical as far as I am concerned. You need to tell her, straight-up, that you suspect something has happened because of the above reasons and that she needs to come clean.

I could be completely wrong, and I hope for your sake she isn't doing anything bad, but my gut from reading this says otherwise. I also have a low tolerance for this kind of BS, so perhaps I'm biased.

I don’t think anything physical has happened, but emotional definitely, and that’s a first step for me.

Thanks to everyone who replied. Definitely helped me collect my thoughts a bit better.

We haven’t had sex for nearly four months, but we still laugh together and there’s affection. I don’t particularly feel like having sex but it’s nothing to do with how attractive I find her, I’ve been completely open with what’s going on with me. We have ordinary jobs, pay $1800 rent for a 1bd apartment in the Bay Area and I absolutely see zero future here in this hyper-expensive turd hole, let alone the place making me feel young, confident and everything that subconsciously comes together to put you in the mood.

She’s from here in the US and I’m from the UK, and while it’s not perfect the healthcare burden there is lifted, there’s plenty of paid vacation and Europe is there to travel around and I want us to go back. She rarely sees her family whereas I’m close to mine. I miss my family and my two little nieces.

I’ve been honest with her about how I feel and I would’ve liked to work something out, but it’s one sided on my part.

She’s had stress and confidence issues (her parents were addicts growing up and it still affects her), and I’ve done what I can to help her through. I said I’d support her through therapy, she went a handful of times and didn’t go again. Some days I’ve said “figure it out yourself” cos I’m not going to enable her when she stops working on herself.

I had a lot of stomach problems that came with adrenaline rushes, pain and anxiety and I didn’t know why or where it was coming from. I found out since it’s a result of food allergies (most likely magnifying any underlying stress).

Before I changed my diet I’d get a mad brain fog, blocked sinus, a feeling of unreality plus a panic that would rise up from my stomach and one night had to cancel going to a gig we had tickets for. She showed off, got angry and cried saying that we never do anything. It angered me and made me sad, because if she felt ill for whatever reason and had to cancel, I’d be bummed but having my wife feel better would be more important to me. That felt like a turning point for me.

She’d have moments of being supportive but it wouldn’t be long before frustration came out. I understand frustration, but I didn’t like how quickly it would show.

But I didn’t want to give up hope and still wanted to give her time to become the positive person I still see flashes of.

Regarding the texts - I told her that the only reason I’d delete a message from another woman would be because A) there is something she said that I wouldn’t want my wife to see - even if I wasn’t participating in whatever it was that was said - or B) we both said something I’d want to hide.

If it’s A then the line still hasn’t been drawn, if it’s B then I’ll know for certain what to do.

She’s 27 and I’m 32. I feel I might have wasted the 4 1/2 years we’ve been together when I could’ve been moving on with life back in my own country.

Deleting messages and changing pass codes suggests she is hiding something.

If not then why do it?

Suggesting you would freak out? Freak out about what exactly?

 

At the very least, you asked her to create some boundaries with this flirtatious man. Hiding their communication activity suggests she isn't respecting what you asked of her because if she had there wouldn't be a risk of you `freaking out' would there?

 

I have scores of text messages from male friends and coworkers. My bf can read them anytime he'd like because there is nothing suspicious or inappropriate about them.

 

If I were hiding something. . I too might start deleting them and changing my password.

That’s what concerns me, we’ve not had any issues with looking at each other’s phones in the past, but since the coworker she’s been more weary of giving her phone to me (when my battery died and I asked to use hers real quick) and she watched what I was doing, which she didn’t do before.

She's obviously cheating.

Question is, what are you gonna do about it? I wouldn't stay with a cheater.