At a confusing point

Hey there everyone, I've got a problem, and it's a very confusing one for both me and my wife. I could probably spend hours and pages and pages on trying to convey exactly what the deal is. But to get to the point, I'll try to make this as short as I can, and be as fair as I possibly can dealing with both sides of the issue; I hate when people aren't fair about issues between two people.

If more information is needed, I'll do my best to supply you with what I can. I'm also weary about too many outside opinions about our issues, because I think other people putting their two cents in on issues can really sour things, at times, especially when they don't particularly care about the relationship. But nonetheless, at times I get confused on how to feel, and I get confused on what is right and what is wrong, whats fair and unfair, and whats jealousy or actual concern. So I just wanna see what some of you think about all this. Please understand that this is only from my angle, and i'm sure at times I'll forget details or shine them in a different light than they should be. but I promise to be as fair as I can.

So, now that I've put a disclaimer above, lol, lets move on to my problem. My wife and I, for about three months now, have been going through a very weird and awkward situation. We've talked a fair bit about the issue, but yet something just kinda remains off about everything. We have mostly just fine days, some really good, and some real uncertain and confusing days. It's a real mixed bag, and emotions can be all over the place. Back about three months ago, my wife and I had just put our two year old boy down for bed, and had finished dinner, and we're doing our usual of just sitting around a talking about random stuff. We were watching some TV show that had some couple in an open relationship on it, not that it matters I guess, and she turned to me and said something like "You know, I think I could be pretty freaky with stuff". I replied with "Oh yeah? What do you mean"? She said, "I dunno, it might freak you out or make you feel weird". I said, "Well what could it be, you can tell me". She replied with, "I dunno, I mean, I have sexual fantasies that are really kinda dark". This of course is all to my recollection of the event, the words aren't exact, but it went something like this. At this point, things started to really turn...upsetting for me, because it seemed to completely come out of no where; I could have been blind though. She then explained to me that she didn't want to hurt my feelings or make me uncomfortable, but she was afraid that what she was about to say could come across really really bad. It did. Because she told me that my personality type didn't allow for her to be able to play out her dark sexual fantasies. She explained that her fantasies were to engage in extremely rough, and forced sex, rape roleplay basically. She wanted to be manhandled and told what to do and where to do stuff, to be slapped around, forced down...etc...etc. Withing reason though, and with rules, and she wanted to feel safe doing it. But of course I didn't find this out until after a big ordeal was made by me from it. She said with all this, she had been feeling curious and wondrous, about what it'd be like to be in a relationship with someone else, what another man that was more alpha would be like, and even possibly a female. By the way, we are each other's first, so i'm sure that plays part in this. The last couple of things she said, is that if she didn't figure out, or get closure, or something with the sexual desires, she would be afraid it would harm our marriage. She also said something like she also makes poor choices, and has a hard time saying no to people, so shes afraid that shes going to end up in a bad situation some time and "reap the consequences" from it. I just really didn't know what to say to all this, I was confused, I told her it sounded like she was warning me of what's to come in the future, but she said that's not what she meant, and that the conversation had went poorly like she was afraid. I didn't say much during all of this because it caught me so off guard. That night, probably against better judgement, I tried doing some research on the rape roleplay, and things of course didn't turn out too well. It seems that there is a reallllllll fine line the two people have to walk between fun pretend forced sex and what could potentially turn into actual rape, if the rules aren't set and followed very closely. It was also stated that couples engaging in this also run the risk of something actually happening, resulting in the marriage having problems. My wife has also been molested a few times by members within her family, so this also concerned me. Between this, and her asking about the allowance of other partners, I was confused, upset, and I freaked. The next day I sat her down, emotions were high, I didn't handle the situation well, and I said that I don't understand how people engage in such a thing, and that i'd feel disgusting by doing those things to her, and that I was extremely concerned that it would end our relationship. She became distant, said she didn't know anymore, said that I was saying people like her were disgusting for wanting to do such a thing, and she just kinda say quiet for awhile. I think eventually I calmed her down and the night went on. I didn't mean to make her feel that way, I was just extremely concerned for her and us. Later on a few weeks later I came to find out that what she wanted was a little crazy, but mostly mild, and actually didn't sound that bad once she described it all to me. It wasn't what I had read.

The next evening, she approached me again, and asked what I thought about expanding our sexual experiences, such as trying this new thing or that new thing, and I said sure. She then asked what I thought about going to a swingers club, but only engaging in our own stuff. It was a little freaky to me, but whatever, I'm with my lady, I'll get crazy with her, that's fine. Then...THE question came up, she said she had been trying to change her views on sexual stuff, and what I thought about us letting each other experience sex with someone else, as long as it was made understood to the other person, and what I thought about her and another girl trying stuff. At that point I told her, I dunno, it seems kinda risky, and i'm a little afraid of what could happen, but maybe if we really discussed it, maybe we could find something that works, and who knows, maybe we wouldn't really be able to bring ourselves to do it. Unfortunately, in the back of my mind, I was losing my , I thought this was a sure fire activity that would almost most definitely end our marriage. But I sat again, caught off guard, and not knowing what to say, because all of this the past two days is COMPLETELY different from what she's always told me, and how's shes always acted. It was either the next day, or a few days later, I can't remember, when this whole line of questioning got to me as well. I discussed it with my sister, we're close and discuss real life stuff at times, and she said that she could tell that it was REALLY bothering me and I need to draw a line on what I am, and am not, okay with, because if I let her go do this, I'd regret it. It was true, I would have. So that evening, this time more together, and in a better head space, I told her, that I loved her, and I'd do about anything with her, but there is absolutely NO way I would be okay with her seeing someone else, she said she already knew that I wouldn't be okay with it, and then asked what I thought about her and another woman, I again said, I'm sorry, but NO, and that I don't believe open relationships EVER work. As a side note, I apologize to those to are in an open relationship, or people who do think it works, by all means do what you want, but my beliefs are that it never ever works out. At the end of the conversation it felt like things had gone well, she said she understood what I was saying, and we went on about our evening. Once again, another few days pass, but things still didn't feel right, something was off, and she told me she was just very confused about everything, confused about how she felt, and confused about what to do, because my emotions had been all over the place, and had eventually ended with me firmly drawing a line on where I stood. She just didn't know anymore she said. She said she felt like this whole ordeal was pushing us apart.

The next day, she went to her therapist that had been helping her work through all of chaotic family issues, and she chose to discuss our problem with the therapist. Now, i'll give my wife credit, because she didn't HAVE to tell me any of this, but she did. But the therapist had basically told her that we might just not be sexually compatible, and while almost ANY other relationship problem can be fixed, this is one that's basically a relationship ending, because I can't change who I am as a person. The therapist also asked what about me letting her go experience sex with other people, my wife told her I said no, and that I also said no to her and another woman. The therapist was taken aback that I wasn't into the idea of her and another woman, and told my wife that her husband, if asked, would be scrambling to set it up as fast as he could. She also inquired my wife about maybe just flat out cheating on me to see what sex was like with someone else, maybe some guy from her younger years that had a crush on her. Lastly, she said she's afraid that our situation will result in one of us getting hurt in the end, but maybe it would go away with time, but that curiosity might come back. She also said that maybe her sexual molestation from a child is causing this to come out now. This all upset my wife, I don't blame her, and I do appreciate her telling me, so I just tried to comfort her again and reassure her that we'd figure it out, we always have. But deep down I really developed a hate for this therapist, I just can't believe the downtrodden views of our relationship, and to suggest cheating? I was rip pissed, to say the least, deep down inside. Not only because of the therapist, but because all of her lady friends she asked, basically either said either that things weren't looking good, or who cares and to just get rid of me and move on. I just, couldn't stand everyone's negative views, it was driving me crazy.

We went on for a couple weeks, and I did my best to try to sex stuff, be a little rougher, I actually liked it. She was kinda into it, but kinda fell off after awhile, and eventually I knew something was wrong, so I asked her. She said I was just moving to fast with everything, and because this wasn't our norm, it was making it a little weird. She at one point, either this night or another one soon thereafter she expressed that shes never got anything out of sex with me, she's felt nothing at all other than one possible connection the first year we were together. But at one point walked it back some and said she has felt with me sexually, it's just that we focus too much on me. I told her we could focus on her much more and I was totally into it, but she just wasn't feeling it. She also expressed at one point that she feels like a bad person because she is curious, and that she wished she never would of asked, and she wished these thoughts would go away in her head about it. I of course was upset my the sex thing, but I told her I was sorry she had trouble getting stuff out of sex with us. I comforted her about the rest and told her that I don't hate her for being curious. We have only been with each other, so I understand, and that I was sorry these thoughts were plaguing her mind.

Stuff gets foggy here and there, the timeline on that last bit is a little uncertain, but all happened at one point. I think from here we decided to just take some time away from all of this, she was confused, I was confused, and we both still love each other, so we decided to let it rest for awhile. Either until it became more clear to her, or went away.

I should also mention that our ages are 22 and 31, me being 31. I know she's younger, but I connected with her so quickly, and so intensely when we first met, that I always felt like there was something special there, I had not, and still haven't ever experience such a feeling with anyone else. It was surreal, and I knew I wanted her to be mine.

Her being 22 though, she's seeing everyone else her age just party party part, all day and all night, and she never really never had a childhood or teenage years, because of her crazy chaotic family, she had to grow up real quick. She's began seeing that she only has one life to live, and she's now married, and has a child at 22, while everyone else is clubbing and partying all night long. This bums her out a bit, and while shes not really into clubs, partying, or any of that, she's still mourning the freedom she could of possibly had in a different life. So since she had just finished her associates degree, she asked me if she could have a free summer just to see what it is like, and I didn't mind, it was three months, so I told her to go ahead. This has proven, somewhat, problematic for me, especially during all of the other stuff going on. It's led to her going out late with her friends, and testing what the life is like, and I try to be lenient, but some of these friends are seriously problematic, and frankly don't care about our family, or what my wife has. A few of these friends really run the risk of her getting in a bad situation, physically, emotionally, or with the law. A few of these friends are people she knew from high-school, and had reconnected with them during her college stuff; they aren't the greatest friends, and my wife has always had trouble making friends. We're both fairly big fans of gaming, so she's also been using her down time to find some online gaming buddies to have fun with. I partially don't mind this, because she seems to enjoy her time online playing games, but unfortunately has grown into a problem. We often eat dinner, and are done by around 8pm, and she then wants to go into our bedroom, close the door, and play games till sometimes 3 to 4 in the morning. This, coupled with our other problems, had left me feeling extremely insecure, and complete lack of confidence, and it ate at me for a few weeks, especially because she preferred I stayed out in the living room till she was done, all while she was having a grand ol time on her own till late in the night. She also began working a few mixed drinks into her playtime, so she'd get loud with just a dusting of flirting, to me anyways. Being a girl, and playing online games, you either get targeted by hate, or become the sexual focus of other dudes on there. But she eventually found a group of, of course guys, that were mostly decent. A couple got creepy, and some talk a little offhand to her, but shes become kind of the center of attention of the group, and I think she likes it. So i eventually approached her and asked what she meant by some of the things I was hearing her say, and she said I was taking things grossly out of context, and that she was being normal, and to be honest I think that's basically true. I do believe she likes all the attention, but I was making up stories in my head.

Time passed, and while I still wasn't all that keen on her staying up so late, and for so long, I figured it would end, and even out, and it kind of did for a couple weeks. During about a month, things for the most part went back to normal, but there was always still that weird thing in the background that we never really solved, it was there, but wasn't a problem at the time. I was becoming comfortable again...etc...etc. Well there eventually were new additions to their group, and she really connected to these new individuals. They partied hard while playing and it opened her up to a new beginning. Now at the least 3 days to 4 days, or more a week, she is getting completely wasted while playing games, loud and eventually turning into what I tell her is her internet self, a bit crude and inappropriate , but it's all supposed to be for fun, so I try to be lenient, I really do. But what comes with hard partying, comes a hard hangover the next day, and during the day she had been becoming extremely depressed, tired of being a parent, and kinda just held on until the nights came. Our son is very testing right now, and most days there's lots of crying and screaming, and it takes A LOT of energy to deal with, and since shes extremely hungover, it really makes the days worse. She had expressed to me that she was absolutely miserable during the days. But at night, the door was closed, and it's back to good times. During these past few month's, shes also increased in being distracted by her phone, focused and looking at it more and more, especially this last month. Even when she's not hungover, she hasn't really been here. At least from my perspective. All of this makes me feel like our son and I are just a burden, and she's just trying to hang on till night where she can feel free again. Especially with her acting so miserable ALL of the time, minus her night time gaming. She's either looking down, on her phone all day, and playing games with her buddies at night. She's taken a real friendship with a couple of the guys, and texts them all the time during the day, or so I think. I try and not be jealous with anything ever, but with the way things have been, I just feel weird. Especially because one of the guys lives in silicon valley, and makes a lot of money, and she had run out of her funds for alcohol, and he, and alcoholic programmer, wanted someone to play games with, so he wired her $200 to buy alcohol, and get herself something nice with the rest. He also talked about flying her out to Vegas for some hacker convention. The other guy is a young father who's also a programmer, but whose grown distant from his wife, and doesn't know he's talking to my wife. To be fair to my wife, she's been pretty upfront with who she's talking to and in general what they are talking about and has assured me that they are all just friends, but some of this just seems weird and inappropriate, at the same time, and as far as I know they all text back and forth non stop all day. But her and I haven't done much talking these past few months. She say shes feels distant, and awkward. I don't know what to think really. Last week she told me that she continues to feel no romance in our relationship, and I've heart her enough times that she doesn't know if she can continue, but that I am also the love of her life and she's afraid if she leaves that it'll be her biggest regret ever. I've tried to be patient with all this, and i've tried to act in love and not fear, so I told her that it's her choice if she want's to leave, because she's the love of my life, and even though we're in a rough time, that I know there's an answer. But if she believed that there wasn't, that I just wanted her to be happy, so find happiness then. What's weird is that same night, her mood shifted quite a bit, and she was more responsive than before, and appeared in a better mood. She's pretty much remained in this mood still up to today, but still gets wasted most nights with her gaming friends until late, but doesn't act as miserable as she had been. She's also taking her anti depressants again, so this might help some. Although she's still got her face buried in her phone nonstop, and still only really perks up when the late night comes around, we haven't had sex since she had been feeling really depressed, and in fact doesn't undress around me in any capacity anymore. So I continue to try and be supportive, but it does wear on me, and some days I feel hopeless and lost, but I love my wife dearly, I truly do, and I'll fight to keep her.

What makes this all so confusing, is that she says she loves me so very much, and she's absolutely sure that she want's to spend her entire life with me, and that i'm her best friend. We sleep in the same bed, give kisses, say I love you's and she still craves my touch as she falls asleep. It all really just boggles my mind, it's so confusing....it's SO confusing.

Now, to be fair, I'll air my dirty laundry, because usually a problem takes two people. She has absolutely asked me for more romance throughout our relationship, and I'll be the first to say that i'm not some expert romantic, but I do try, I really do like to make her feel special with things, but I think she's fixated on what romance in movies is like, or she just has a completely different idea of romance. This whole thing supposedly really kicked off when I freaked out of the rape roleplay thing, it then made her question all the mistakes and hurtful things I had done in our relationship, and question all the absent romance that she wanted. Thus we travel down the path above. My wife, I love her dearly, but she is very sensitive about things, but I accept her for who she is, but part of the hurt she feels I think is being overly sensitive about stuff, and the other part I did truly mess up. Her first wrong is that while she was talking to me in the very beginning, her cousin began texting me too, so I talked to both of them. Supposedly I said her cousin was pretty and that my wife seemed cool. I don't remember, but this still really bothers her. Another upset she has is that at one point I told her who I had a crush on in the past, and since they were some of my sisters friends who are still around today, she was seriously hurt by this. She also one time asked me what traits I found attractive, and since I didn't describe her, she became really upset...this is a huge one. Another is that a group of us were out at a pool hall early in our relationship and one of my sisters friends, whom I had a crush on back in the day, was there with her husband. My wife swears that at one point her and I were flirting with each other, and this has been a MAJOR issue our whole relationship. But we really were just talking....honestly....seriously. She also says i never stand up for her or take her side, and while I think this isn't necessarily true, I do like to avoid any unnecessary altercations. But I do take her side, and I do stand up for her, it's of course at times she cant see though. Now, these cut a little deeper, so I understand that these could hurt. Early on when we were first together, I had taken some xanax and drank a bit, this particular night I happened to want to stay home and play games with my buddies on xbox, but she wanted to hang out, so I went ahead with it...well at some point, I told her I really didn't want to hangout with her, and supposedly that I didn't find her attractive anymore. I feel crappy for this whole ordeal. Another time I decided to use our date time to buy drugs at the mall from one my friends, unbeknownst to her; she figured it out though. Another bad decision on my part. When she got pregnant with out son, I tried convincing her to get an abortion, and we even drove to another state, up the the facility, but at the last moment, as she was in tears, I told her that I couldn't make her go through with it. She wasn't ready for a child either, but went along with the idea because I pushed for it so hard. I truly regret this, now that my son is born, and what i've got out of being a father. I've also kicked her out of my care a few times during arguments, and recently expressed that I wished she hadn't came home early from work because I was enjoying my alone time. She came home early to specifically spend time with me, i'm an . Lastly, the big one, early in our relationship, my wife expressed that porn made her feel lesser, it made her self conscious, and she didn't want me to use it when I had her there. I told her I would, but I didn't, I had been single till I was 25, it had become a bad habit, and I was being selfish, so I continued to look at porn. I never looked at it because I didn't want her, it was just something I was use to. But that doesn't matter, because I wasn't keeping my word on what I said. Eventually it came out in some way or another about two years ago, and we went through a rough time, but it was only made known to me recently that she would have left me if it wasn't for us being married and our son. I'm still working on gaining her trust back today. These are my mistakes, and these contribute to her uncertainty about our relationship. I might have messed up too many times, I don't know.

While I do keep hope, and I do believe, that we will work though things. It's been very hard lately, very very hard, and I know shes suffering too. But I don't think she know's what she's doing to me. Some days hope really sinks low, and I begin questioning if it's worth it, even though I swore I never would. I can't tell if i'm being fair with stuff or not, I have trouble understanding if i'm being jealous or rightfully concerned, or if i'm making things up in my head, or that it's actually there. Even as I type this, shes wasted in the other room, playing games, discussing where her and all her guy friends are going to meet up at for a LAN party. But she also just came in here and gave me a bunch of kisses, so I dunno. I feel at times she's also hiding her texts with people from me because she exits out whenever I walk by, but she also reads the texts to me a lot and sometimes shows me them. I'm just so confused,ya know. I try to best to treat her like a queen, I am the one who mainly cleans our place, I do all the cooking, I mostly take care of our son, I have a full time job, I take care of our pets, I let her sleep in late on the weekends...etc. Maybe i'm too soft, my sister, friends, and some family express that I never speak up when I should. Maybe i'm part of the problem, maybe I am the problem?

Hopefully some of you can give me some thoughts about all this. I've tried being as fair as I can about all this. Like I said, I hate when people pile on just once side. So i've tried to be as fair as I can with all of this. Please give me some insight if possible.

Thanks.

All right. I'm trying to condense this down. You do know your wife has depression and is on meds. A lot of what you describe is probably due to this. You should Google "depression" and "how to deal with someone with depression" to find out more about what you can do. I don't think you fully appreciate her condition. Also you're adding to the problem with drug use, arguing with her, and other things going on at the house. And the 9-year age difference may be too much as well as having a baby at a young age. Since you have a child, you have to straighten out the situation there, get everybody on a schedule, and get involved with her healthcare. Perhaps you can see her therapist together or find one that can deal with the depression issue and find out what you can do to help her get herself together..

Well, sir, it's quite simple. You got two kids- sadly one happens to be your wife.

If you really want to see some progress, in my opinion, I would stop being "fair"... Time to be selfish for a change in order to improve your self-worth.

As much as I applaud you for sticking this out so long, I think you need to realize your wife still has a lot of growing up to do and you need to find your voice.

Wow. Where to begin?

You're trying to be patient and lenient and loving while your marriage is crashing and burning right in front of your eyes. It won't last, at this rate.

You have an incredibly young wife who evidently wasn't ready to be a wife and mother. Now she's lamenting the life she chose to leave behind. She is abusing alcohol and neglecting her parenting duties, apparently as an escape mechanism. The problem is that your son is going to pay the price for having an alcoholic mom. She's got some guy online sending her money to fuel her alcohol addiction and offering to fly her to him? Why are you not shutting that right down, OP? That is completely absurd. As is her demand that you stay away while she drinks herself silly and plays around in her online fantasy land. You are her husband. She's behaving like a teen who is sneaking out of the house and hoping Dad doesn't notice. In fact, I noticed throughout your description that you two seem to have devolved into a very parent-child-like relationship, sadly. You "let" her have a summer to be "free"- no, this is a marriage and she is a mother. Having fun with friends is one thing, but this whole arrangement for the Summer of Fun is bizarre and inappropriate for a married mom. Don't blame her friends; this is on her.

Her sexual fantasy would be one thing if she wanted to explore that with you, in the context of your marriage. But she is essentially telling you she wants to have sex with other men. My guess is that the reason she's buried in her phone is because she's already conducting an emotional affair. As for her therapist, well, I have a hard time believing she recommended cheating or admonished you for not wanting a threesome with another woman. I have a feeling your wife is making that up to try to support her own views. And if her therapist actually said that, she needs a new therapist. In fact, you two need a couple's therapist, immediately. Not the same one she's been seeing. Go together. If she won't, then you know she is not serious about keeping your marriage intact.

I have no doubt you have made your mistakes, and it sounds like you haven't always been Husband of the Year. But she is currently behaving like a single young woman with no responsibilities. Playing along with that because you're afraid of losing her isn't working, as you see. It's getting worse. Will your marriage end? Perhaps. But if you want a chance in hell at making it work, you need to start drawing some hard boundaries and demanding more for your son. No more parties all summer long, no more drinking until all hours with her online buddies, no more sleeping it off all day while you play single dad. Enough. If she refuses to meet you in the middle, I would seriously start making plans to separate. I'm not so sure you won't end up single anyway, but the way you're currently going about this is only enabling her and making it worse for you and your little one.

Danzee, I'll do some more research n depression, maybe I've missed something. I too have delt with depression most of my life, so I kinda have an idea of what it's like. At least partially. Sorry, I wasn't clear about the past events, the drug use was years ago when we first started dating, I'm an entirely different person now. The fighting, while we've had our fights, doesn't happen all that much, and I'm generally an easy guy to get along with. Belive me, I don't want my child to grow up in a brown home, so I'll do whatever I can to help solve this problem, and I'm fine with therapy, we've been before, but my wife has expressed she's not sure if we'll get anywhere. Our age might be part of the problem.

LootieTootie, thanks for your reply. This is one of the things I've heard the most when talking to the few people I know. Maybe I'm doing her a disservice bet not saying anything.

Thanks MissCanuk, I'm on my phone now, so I can't reply in long-form. Maybe it is time for me to draw more hard lines on stuff. Because I don't want to be the reason our marriage doesn't work out, I want to at least try. Maybe I'm too nice? She told me this evening that her friends are planning on going on an week long trip to Amsterdam to party. I expressed that I didn't think it was a good idea, but she said that all these gaming friends are chill and everything would be fine. When she's sober tomorrow, I'll probably express that I don't think it's a great idea.

When she's sober tomorrow, I'll probably express that I don't think it's a great idea.

Instead of saying "I don't think.." You tell her what you mean: "I do NOT want you to go." When you say it like this, you Make it clear where the line is. Tell her she's a mother and wife first. Her priority is with her family.

Her going for a week sounds more like she's already trying to get away and make her emotional affair(s) real.

Thanks MissCanuk, I'm on my phone now, so I can't reply in long-form. Maybe it is time for me to draw more hard lines on stuff. Because I don't want to be the reason our marriage doesn't work out, I want to at least try. Maybe I'm too nice? She told me this evening that her friends are planning on going on an week long trip to Amsterdam to party. I expressed that I didn't think it was a good idea, but she said that all these gaming friends are chill and everything would be fine. When she's sober tomorrow, I'll probably express that I don't think it's a great idea.

Do you think?!

OP, you won't be the reason the marriage doesn't work out. She will. Partying in Amsterdam for a week, especially give the state she is currently in, is an absolutely ludicrous idea and any husband with a shred of self-worth would put his foot down. Not "probably" express that he "doesn't think it's a good idea." Her emotional affair is going to turn physical there, you realize.

Where is your spine and self-respect?

LootieTootie, thanks again for your reply. I really don't want her to go, so I'll make it known. I understand her lament of not getting to enjoy her childhood, teen years, and now young adult years, but I do feel like she's spinning out of control. She's tired of college, and really doesn't want to work either. It's like she wants to just have party time. I love my wife a lot, and I want to help move her back in the right direction. I believe she loves me and my son too, but I have a sickening feeling she wishes she wasn't married or a parent.

MissCanuk, thanks for the reply. I do struggle with being a too nice of a guy, so you're not wrong. What you are saying is my fear.

Possibly me being the way I am has been part of the problem getting us to where we are? Not to remove blame, but I wonder?

Possibly me being the way I am has been part of the problem getting us to where we are? Not to remove blame, but I wonder?

Well, yeah. Pulling back and letting her do whatever she wants to is a big problem. We usually see it in people who have been abused. They're so pummeled by their partner that they just let them do whatever they want to because when they speak up about anything there's usually huge fights. Maybe you're just non-confrontational, but it was the wrong thing to do with this girl. She's out of control and you've got to pull her back or else you're going to wind up divorced or a single parent.

DanZee, thanks for the reply. I had great parents growing up, honestly. I'm just non confrontational as you mentioned, and you're right that when real things get brought up to her, we tend to get in massive arguments. So I've ended up not confronting her about stuff. She even knows this because I've told her before that I feel like I can't talk to her about certain things. She hates when I say that.

There's a difference between non-confrontational and plain submissive, OP.

I understand you're afraid of losing her, but she's already heading in that direction. Next thing you know, she'll be asking for a break from the marriage and wanting to move out to "find herself" while she leaves you with the little one. She's apparently the type to turn an inch into a mile, and your approach to this has been far too complacent. She keeps pushing the envelope and you keep letting her, under the misguided notion that this will somehow save your marriage. It won't. It's turned from drunken flirt-fests on the internet and her phone into a week-long party in Amsterdam. I guarantee if she goes, you won't like the updates when she comes home.

If she truly wants to leave the marriage, you won't be able to stop her. It's her choice to go if she wants. But you can stop enabling her to behave like she's a teenager with no child or husband at home. Say no. Be clear and firm that if she keeps this up, you will need to make some very difficult decisions about your future. She is the one risking everything, not you. The tail is wagging the dog here, and it's going to cost you your marriage if you both continue allowing it to.

From what I read these are my thoughts on all of it:

She see's you as a father figure. You pay the bills, you are the cook, the maid, the babysitter, you bring her financial support and security but it's a father figure type of relationship.

At some point she obviously was attracted to you, but it was short lived and the age gap is now becoming more and more apparent to her which is why your sex life does not exist.

She won't leave you right now, because she does feel safe with you, however, she is bored senseless and is using you and stays with you out of guilt more than anything.

She is also making you out to be a fool and is behaving like a terrible irresponsible mother.

You are trying very hard but at this point, I truly do think you are fighting a losing battle. I think you needs to come to terms with all of it and accept that one of these days she is going to leave you, it's almost a certainty.

She is young and wants more out of life than marriage and being a mother, it's why she is constantly thinking about sex and the sex life she doesn't have. And why she is spending all her time getting drunk fooling around with other men online.

I wished I could give you hope, OP, I really do, but it really is only a matter of time till she get's tired of being there with you and will want more than what she has right now.

You are biding your time being the housekeeper and father figure and bank, but it won't last forever.

She has a little kid, and is going away to go party for a whole week? Geez. I have a bach party to go to next month hours away, and I'm sweating over being away from my kids for 36 hours. Probably the longest ever in almost 3 years.

I am with what SherrySher says. Think of what is best for your kid, not her. Even if it means, separating, cuz can you imagine her bringing home different "boyfriends"?

I gotta agree with the ladies above. Frankly, I don't see how things ever "return" (assuming there's even been a golden era of a healthy, adult relationship between the two of you). Assume you bend over backwards and keep a wide-open mind, jumping through all the hoops and counseling to make this work. She'll always know that, even if just at one point, you were the kind of guy who let her walk all over you like this. You'll always know this is how far she was willing to slip in her role as a partner and mother. The respect is likely gone for good, whether on either or both ends.

There's a kid involved, so I always say counseling should be the mandatory first step, but if you so much as have an ounce of doubt she comes out of the session without a sense of 100% humility and a desire to move forward, I'd be in quick contact with a family attorney and working out how to best assert your best interests as well as those of your child's. It's obvious you've got issues of your own to let things transpire as they have (at least based on what you've written), but at least it seems those issues haven't interfered with your capacity and willingness to be a parent.

OP, I'm sorry but it sounds like your wife has one foot out the door of your marriage already and the other foot is just about half way out. You shouldn't feel bad for not wanting your wife to sleep with other people, she should feel bad for wanting to. I'd say try marriage counseling but I don't think it would work at this point... You should seriously consider how your wife's behavior is going to affect your son, and whether or not your relationship is sustainable for the long haul. Before anything else, you should be considering your own needs, happiness and well being along with your son's. Your wife is only thinking of herself, it is time you do the same (adding a plus one for your son). My guess is if you stay in this marriage for much longer, she will end up resenting you and you her, and it will be a messy divorce coming. You deserve better. So does your son.