What do I do? Is relationships supposed to be these highs and lows?

I am in a long distance open relationship with set terms – no friends, no one person twice, no exes and no emotional cheating.

The facts are my partner slept with his ex on New Years, slept with his other ex while he was traveling and kissed the same new year ex a day after he saw me and a day before he was supposed to pick me up from an event I was volunteering at. We’ve been together for over a year now and I never asked who he hooked up with because it didn’t matter to me because I trusted that he would tell me if he did break the terms. For some reason that weekend I wanted to know who it was because I had a suspicion and I asked but then quickly retracted because I didn’t want to know.

He told me the kiss meant nothing and it wasn’t worth risking our relationship. But then later I found out through one of my fiends that it was his ex and then I tried asking him again on who he hooked up with and he didn’t want to tell me. I should’ve pressed further but I ended up snooping on his phone and found that he had made plans to see her weeks in advance. They are still friends and I honestly hadn’t thought much of their hangout but now I feel stupid. I hate that I had to go through his personal item to find information, I don’t like seeing myself as that person and I hate now I had to dig for information from him. I wanted myself to find nothing so I could be wrong for distrusting him but I hated what I found.

I still want to believe that it meant nothing but I also feel very betrayed. I feel like I was being played this entire time and confessed these feelings to him, he assured me he wasn’t playing me. He doesn’t have an excuse for why it happened and I don’t know what else to say.

Whenever I am faced with a problem my mind tells me to find a solution and move on. This is hard because I want to work on this relationship and I want to forgive and move beyond this but I can’t trust him anymore. He broke it. And I can already see the large sets of problems this is going to bring up later on and now I’m here asking do I really want to go through the emotional investment for a “let’s see where this relationship is going” relationship?

On the one hand I feel yes because I love him and he loves me. We have really great times together and it’s been great up until now. But is it worth it? I know I shouldn’t be asking in a forum but I would love to hear if anyone has been through a hurdle like this and it worked or if it’s better to end it on this note.

I really don't understand the point of an open long-distance relationship. I guess the idea is if you let him sleep with others, but attempt to forbid emotional connection, that he won't find someone locally to have a committed monogamous relationship with? Have you ever taken advantage of the arrangement and hooked up with anyone? I have a hunch that you would prefer the relationship to not be open at all, and the only reason you have the above terms is because he insisted on them.

He lied to you and broke your boundaries, which were already far looser than they should have been. Why don't you end this relationship so you can find someone near you who won't sleep with other women? I'm sure you love him, but it's not worth the pain and anxiety you're currently experiencing.

a lot of people I meet don’t understand it, it was a really good arrangement for me when it started. I traveled a few hours from my busy life and it was great. Eventually started getting emotionally attached and then set up these terms but never actually spoke of conditions because I never actually thought he would break them.

I have hooked up with other people and have been under the terms and he knows them as well.

I now would much rather prefer an exclusive relationship but I don’t know if I want one with him because he broke my trust.

But I also love him and have this faith that we can pull through this. But I also don’t know if I want to work on this right now. I have years of school left and career to build.

I wanted an easy clarified relationship which is why the agreement worked initially and now that feelings are involved I’m too conflicted.

a lot of people I meet don’t understand it, it was a really good arrangement for me when it started. I traveled a few hours from my busy life and it was great. Eventually started getting emotionally attached and then set up these terms but never actually spoke of conditions because I never actually thought he would break them.

 

I have hooked up with other people and have been under the terms and he knows them as well.

 

I now would much rather prefer an exclusive relationship but I don’t know if I want one with him because he broke my trust.

 

But I also love him and have this faith that we can pull through this. But I also don’t know if I want to work on this right now. I have years of school left and career to build.

 

I wanted an easy clarified relationship which is why the agreement worked initially and now that feelings are involved I’m too conflicted.

The arrangement once suited you, but now it does not. He lied to you and busted your boundaries, so you can't trust him enough to even propose the type of relationship you actually want. Long-distance relationships take a lot of work, and neither one of you is actually committed to putting in the required effort. Don't let your feelings lead you in a foolish direction. Love is not enough to hold a relationship together with issues as serious as the ones you have put forth. I think you know the smart move would be to end it, but are trying to avoid the pain of breaking up. I assure you that if you put it off and invest more time and energy into a relationship which does not meet your needs that it will hurt more in the long-run.

The arrangement once suited you, but now it does not. He lied to you and busted your boundaries, so you can't trust him enough to even propose the type of relationship you actually want. Long-distance relationships take a lot of work, and neither one of you is actually committed to putting in the required effort. Don't let your feelings lead you in a foolish direction. Love is not enough to hold a relationship together with issues as serious as the ones you have put forth. I think you know the smart move would be to end it, but are trying to avoid the pain of breaking up. I assure you that if you put it off and invest more time and energy into a relationship which does not meet your needs that it will hurt more in the long-run.

You’re right, I just want to hear it as many times as I can so I don’t give into my feelings for him.

And stop making excuses for his actions.

Hey, I can relate. I have definitely let my feelings of love goad me into running back to relationships that were no longer good for me and did not meet my needs. One of them was a long-distance relationship to boot! The right choice doesn't always feel good - at least, it probably won't right away. One life lesson I learned, though, is that feelings are not the best indicator for whether or not we should stay involved with someone. You have to consider other logical factors as well, such as how compatible your personality and values are.

End it, go no contact, and really let yourself grieve the end of the relationship. You will eventually meet someone who shares your values (such as honesty and integrity) and have a much more fulfilling relationship.

thank you. (Y)

Hmm. I think you made these rules and he just went along with it. From his actions he never agreed to them. I think they're pretty unrealistic. You expect him to have sex with someone but feel nothing for those people? LDRs don't work for 99% of couples. Best to have a traditional relationship.

Forget this guy, OP. He disrespected the rules of this open arrangement and lied about it.

I don't know what your definition of love is, but this behaviour wouldn't be part of mine. He's self-serving and just likes screwing around with a lot of different women. Time to face reality.

Hmm. I think you made these rules and he just went along with it. From his actions he never agreed to them. I think they're pretty unrealistic. You expect him to have sex with someone but feel nothing for those people? LDRs don't work for 99% of couples. Best to have a traditional relationship.

I made up the first rules of not sleeping with any of my friends, never one person twice and no exes. I think they’re very clear and doable. He was the one who wanted to no emotional cheating and to me that just means not being too intimate with another, dates etc.

You’re right he didn’t follow through on the rules. I expect him to tell me the truth, if he does feel emotionally connected to someone then he should be able to tell me. Not hide it and string me along 6 months further into the relationship and then confess because he got caught.

Traditional relationships also fail, long distance are also sometimes successful. My relationship is failing right now because he tried to hide something from me and I want to continue but can’t seem to because I no longer trust him and don’t know if I’d be able to trust him for a long time and I don’t have the emotional capacity to work through this at this point in my life.

Forget this guy, OP. He disrespected the rules of this open arrangement and lied about it.

 

I don't know what your definition of love is, but this behaviour wouldn't be part of mine. He's self-serving and just likes screwing around with a lot of different women. Time to face reality.

I’m just butt hurt because I thought I had something special, and now I don’t. He wants to be exclusive to save this relationship but how can I trust him to be exclusive when he couldn’t even keep up with the minimal expectation. I love him because I care for him and i still genuinely think he’s a good person. He was inconsiderate of my feelings when he was committing these actions. I feel like an idiot right now and I also feel more idiotic that even though I’m really angry with him for his lack of consideration I’m considering how he is feeling right now. I told him I wanted some time to think this over and I want to be very careful how I choose to move forward because I love myself too. It’s just the trust issue, I don’t trust him right now and I believe trust is the foundation of a good relationship. I don’t want to be blinded by foolish love but I also believe in building stronger relationship.

Still conflicted...need more time to process ahhhh lol

Building a stronger relationship would make sense if he'd been consistently trustworthy and transparent. Building a stronger relationship with a liar is foolish, in my opinion, because you're building it on a foundation of dishonesty and deception. That rarely ever works out.

I would not be moving forward with this guy. It's okay to be disappointed, but it's important you don't overlook the serious problems because they don't line up with who you thought he was.

No trust = no relationship. In my opinion, you are wasting your time with this one. And no, regular relationships are not supposed to have these highs and lows but this was not a regular relationship to begin with, was it? Imo, trying to turn whatever you two had into a relationship is unrealistic and if you actually want a relationship, you are wasting your time big time on this.

Well, you don't have to answer this, but were you hurt in a previous relationship and this is why you chose this sort of semi-open relationship? Or do you have problems dealing with your emotions and this is why you choose this? It would just help me understand the situation a little better.

'I am in a long distance open relationship with set terms – no friends, no one person twice, no exes and no emotional cheating'

Sorry but this makes no sense to me whatsoever. You don't have a relationship - you have an occasional 'when in town' FWB arrangement. What is the point? Why not find someone local to have sex with?

What you are trying to say is basically that he is only allowed to have random one night stands with random women he might meet who would be willing to bang him. Not only is this stupid, but dangerous - have you considered STD's? What he is choosing to do is quite frankly smarter - sleep with those he can reasonably believe are safe and clean.

Basically, you are trying desperately to control the one thing you cannot - emotional attachment. You are giving yourself this completely false illusion that if he only has one night stands with random strangers, that he can't possibly get attached to someone else and leave you. That speaks to a lot of issues and insecurities within you. You are also telling yourself that sleeping with someone he knows or having a more stable sexual partner will necessarily cause him to leave you for that person. That tells me that you have little clue how open relationships really work and that you are a monogamous person with issues trying to play this idea of an open relationship game and it's just backfiring on you.

Sort yourself out, sort out your insecurities, understand that you can't control people and their emotional attachment. What you have between the two of you is either strong and real or it isn't and it will end regardless of what you do or don't do. If you are going to pursue an open relationship, make certain you have the emotional maturity to manage it and have realistic rules and be safe.

It's hard enough to remain committed and trusting when you see someone every day. Having such a weird set of rules without being able to be held accountable is asking for trouble. You can go to the bar, but don't drink. The speed limit is 50, but everyone drives at 65, and there are never any cops on the street. Humans just don't work this way. Not blaming you of course - but it is clear that he is not as committed to the relationship as you are. If you aren't comfortable with the true open relationship that he is participating in, than you should stop participating in it.

"He told me the kiss meant nothing and it wasn’t worth risking our relationship. But then later"

If it meant nothing and wasn't worth risking your relationship over, he wouldn't have done it, plain and simple. It's not that hard to NOT kiss someone. The fact that you even followed that up with "but then later" shows that he doesn't care about your relationship as much as you do. You also began by listing set terms to your "open relationship" (which never seem to work, if you ask me), then proceeded to tell us how he broke every single one of those set terms, and how you still stuck around anyway. Many people have a hard enough time getting their partners to adhere to the very simple terms of an exclusive monogamous relationship (honesty and fidelity mostly)... so to expect someone to adhere to a list of set terms seems like a lost cause. Especially given the fact that you have already let him get away with breaking every term you set for your relationship. If you were ever to go exclusive, would you even be able to trust him? His track record says no.

He's given you so many red flags... just leave him already, it's practically like he's begging you to at this point.

Unfortunately this neither sounds 'open' nor like a relationship. Sounds like improbable, arbitrary rules. Who made these up? Hanging on to a situation that is over or believing it's a LDR with a commitment will lead to this kind of disappointment. Accept it's been over for a while and he may be back with his ex or dating others. Just end this and date locally.

I am in a long distance open relationship with set terms – no friends, no one person twice, no exes and no emotional cheating.

 

He told me the kiss meant nothing and it wasn’t worth risking our relationship.

Kisses never mean nothing. He can't say it wasn't worth risking, and then go and risk it. Obviously it was worth risking.