Guess my ex is a lesbian now and I am struuuugling and depresseed

Hello all,

Well I've got a lot to say so thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read all this drama

We met in Feb 2017 and started hanging out almost every day in March. I broke up with her in November after we had been arguing repeatedly. I was financially supporting her, paid for her divorce lawyer ($10K) then co signed an apartment lease for her, back in July last year. She has 2 kids who I got attached to. Every month I paid most of her rent, she would contribute $500 which she got in support from the ex-husband. I didn't live there and had to pay bills on my own place. She was dragging her feet getting a job and she has a very irresponsible attitude towards money. Of course looking back I can see I enabled the behavior and taught her that I would take care of everything.

Another part of this is I know I made bad decisions and got caught up in the honeymoon stage and overlooked all the red flags, and because I am a fixer I tried to jump in and save her. It also has to do with my coming from an alcoholic family background. Also I know I can be critical and that my helping with her created an expectation and was a form of control. I do have a tendency to make fun of things and some of the things she liked like TV shows I think are dumb and she believes in conspiracy theories and I made fun of her for that. I am just consumed with regret about these decisions amongst other things.

One example of her attitude towards money is we went out to a restaurant one time and we paid with a $100. When we got the change (probably about $45) her 5 yo son wanted to hold it. She let him take it and I grabbed his hand and snatched it away. I felt that he would lose it and at the time I am struggling to help her pay all of her bills. My point was he's a kid what if he loses or misplaces it, it's $45 not a lot of money but we're trying to pay bills on 2 households. This was typical behavior with her she would pretty much always let her kids do whatever they wanted.

Another example was I came over one day and she bought a bike off of craigslist or some site like that. Of course I was like what the hell are you doing buying a bike we could have put that money towards your rent! In her mind it was a great idea now we can take the kids on bike rides. Another example is she finally got a job at the mall in October, I came to pick her up after her first day, and she has a shopping bag she's made purchases. Of course I got upset.

Tons of other examples one month she let her car registration expire, had a ticket go past 30 days, and didn't pay the bill on her storage unit for 2 months. I bailed her out of all of that. Of course I got mad and ed about it. I never went crazy and screamed at her but I would lecture her and I would get angry with her.

Finally in November she went out one night and called me from the bar. She was going to try to sell some weed to her aunt, mentioned that she was trying to help us with money like I've been complaining about. She was getting it from this guy and she calls from a bar they were waiting for his guy. She asked if I wanted to come there and I said no because I had to work the next day. I asked if she was going to come over to my house after she was done and she said yes.

Well I wake up at 3am and she isn't there. Text her and call her the calls are going straight to VM. I went to the apartment in the morning before work, she wasn't there. Of course I got really upset. Her story was that the phone was dead, she went to the guys house because he wanted her to try some different weed that he had, then he passed out so she slept on the couch...blah blah blah.

Anyways I decided to believe her. Then maybe a week later she is at my house, we just had sex, and she is getting ready to go to work. She wanted me to go get her lunch. Also around this time I had decided to become vegan and typical me trying to save the world I am super adamant about it and think everyone should be vegan. Now I never tried to make her be vegan, but I said if you want me to go buy you lunch I am not buying you animal products. I said I'll get you a salad or a bean burrito or something like that. So she was like never mind and left in a huff. That night she never calls or texts or comes over. I never contacted her either. Next day she finally text me at like 2 pm "what are you up to" I waited a while but responded "washing my truck". Then same as the previous night she never texts back, calls, or comes over.

So that night I finally lost it. About 11:30 I send her a long text totally pissed off and tell her it's over. Immediately the next day she's texting me that she's perplexed why am I breaking up with her. I stuck to my guns, by this point the frustration had built to the boiling point. And all the time we were having these disagreements about money and fights I would get mad in the moment and give her an angry lecture about it, and then just go back to normal. I would never sit down with her calmly later and try to address these issues. So when this stuff happened I just lost it and basically refused to talk to her for 2 months.

I did go back and forth with her over texts for a few days but I was telling her to back off and she wouldn't stop, so I blocked her number. Then she was messaging me on snapchat and commenting on my insta stuff so I deleted/blocked her off that stuff. One night she showed up at my house unannounced with her kids. I wasn't mean but basically told her to leave. She was trying to hug me and sit next to me I wasn't having it. At the time I had her dog because he's a pit and they didn't allow them at the apartment. I wasn't going to let her take the dog (wrong I know) because I felt she didn't take good care of him.

But then typical me I felt I co-signed her lease and made a commitment so I emailed her saying I was going to keep helping her until the lease we signed was up. Also I had made up my mind that I was totally committed to the vegan movement and I told her I was going to move to the West Coast (I live in Florida) and work for a vegan company, and it wouldn't be fair to ask her or the kids to come along, etc, etc.

Basically I made the breakup about something it wasn't really, what it really was about was I was pissed because I felt like she probably cheated on me then had the gall to get made at me and go silent after I am busting my ass to support her and her kids.

She kept emailing me, tried to invite me to Thanksgiving at her aunts, I didn't go. Eventually I unblocked her number and we did communicate about somethings, her grandma passed away I was nice about that. But then she sent me multiple texts, things like "come over and watch a movie" or "why can't we just take a break I make you laugh you make me laugh" etc. One time she sent me a nude. I ignored all of it. I made her go through the holidays alone pretty much (guilt). More or less totally ignored her for 2 months.

The thing is she never once sent a text or communication that was anything along the lines of "I'm sorry, this is what happened, let's talk, etc". I feel like I might have responded to something like that.

Finally we run into each other at the Amscot while we were both getting money orders to pay her Jan rent. I haven't been with anyone else and I had went on one date that went nowhere, and I did kind of forget why I was so upset and I must be honest I wanted to have sex with her after 2 months without it. So we ended up hanging out later that night and she came over to my house and we had sex.

She ends up telling me that in the time apart a lesbian couple moved in two apartments down. She tells me one of them does financial domination but it's all on line (as if that makes it better) Of course I get upset about this I'm like you have 2 kids and are going through a custody battle why are you hanging out with a dominatrix?

So basically we stated hanging out again in January but the fights resumed. One night she was having her kids and some other kids from that complex over for a sleep over. So then she says those girls are coming over. And I'm like "why the hell are you having them over" (controlling yes but c'mon a dominatrix?). And she says "oh they are just dropping off their kid"

Of course that's not what happens they come in and also bring their friend a Tranny from upstairs, and then one of the lesbian couples sister and her boyfriend, and all these people are in the apartment and start having drinks while the kids are there. I felt it was totally inappropriate with the kids being there and I got pissed, yelled at her, and left slamming the door.

A few days later we go out for a "date" We go to a one bar and then she wants to go somewhere else and somehow she talks me into meeting up with these girls. I guess I wanted to show that I am not judgmental. So we meet them at a sushi place, have drinks, go to another bar, some latin place. At this place my ex comes up to me and is like "see this guy in the fur coat (LOL) he gave us this money to get coke" and I'm like hell no give him his money back we are not getting coke. Now full disclosure me and her had done coke together but I get it from my guy who I have known for years not some random dude in a bar. Aaaanndd she's going through a custody battle how the does she know this guy isn't a cop?

So after that, this is our 3rd bar, I am ready to leave. And this was another thing we would always fight about, she always wants to close down every bar and stay later than we need to always. She doesn't want to leave so somehow I get roped into going to a 4th bar, and I demand that we leave and she says no, so I left her there. Next day she's texting me "I'm sorry I know I never want to leave it's one of my faults" and so I go over and we had sex. She ends up telling me she got maced that night by one half of the lesbian couple.

To make a long story short she hooked up with one of the lesbians, the one who supposedly doesn't do dominatrix work. I found out that was a lie, and myex defends her and is like I saw her skype session the guys just wants her to walk on his back in high heels she doesn't have sex with them. Oh ok then it's all good NBD!

Anyways she tells me in phone call at the end of January that she "did hook up with (whatever her name is) and she does like her"

So now the breakup is reversed and my rejection, indignation, and oneitis flare up and instead of walking away then and there and going NC, I tell myself that it's different, I broke up with her and didn't talk to her for 2 months, I need to fix this.

So like an idiot I stay in contact and use all this get your ex back material and paid for relationship coaches and all other kinds of useless garbage. But she calls me in early March and is like " i want to get (whatever her name is) out of my life.

So we go out on dates and she's texting this girl the whole time. I'm like I thought you want her out of your life?? What really happened is the girl ghosted her and was back with her ex and that's why she wants to hang out with me. Anyways I go along for 3 such dates. Then I had let her have my old phone and somehow the Apple IDs get mixed up and I get this texts from in between her and whatever the girls name is sister. My ex is telling the sister how she cried and begged this girl not to go to Texas with the other lesbian dominatrix, and how they went out there to do "sessions". OK so she is all into this girl who does ing in person domination sessions. Like ? Jesus Christ you have 2 little kids what the are you doing getting involved with such people??

Needless to say when I got these texts I told her it's over now I am DONE. I took a bunch of her crap I still had at my house and dumped it on her porch. She tells me I'm "psycho" and she was actually there when I was bring some of the crap back. She was being crazy mean about it and I was actually the calm one this time.

Sooo about 3 days later, I go out and get hammered and come home and pass out. Guess I forgot to lock the door and who shows up at my house in the middle of the night?? You guessed it it's her. She's crying " I always make such bad decisions I don't know why I let this girl into my life, boo hoo etc."

So again like a dumb ass I go over to her house because she "doesn't want to be alone" and stay with her. I slept in bed with her but we don't have sex. The next day I call her and want to talk about what's going on. She doesn't want to talk about it says I'm pressuring her.

By this point all the back and forth and drama I am a complete mess. Work is suffering, my house is a mess, I've lost all motivation to work out, I'm not taking care of myself. I know most of you will say "over this crazy mess, why?" I don't know I can't say why I guess it's that I'm 39 and I've never made a relationship work and I have had trouble meeting women that I like, and I've wanted kids but never had them and I really fell in love with her kids.

So I took some time off work went out of town, started ignoring her for about 3 weeks. Finally she calls me up one day, at this point I have the dog back, so she is calling about what to do with the dog. But she wants to know why I have been ignoring her and I'm like you should have been thrilled that I'm trying to get you back blah blah blah this girl who you hooked up with is trash and I don't even want to be friends with you. Then I basically just hang up on her.

About an hour later she texts me asking if I want to go to the Beach with her and the kids. I agreed we went it was OK. Then a week later we do to Disney. I was pretty depressed at this point. But I am putting up a good front. Honestly as I type this I don't know what the hell I was even doing there in the first place.

Sooo a few days after the trip to Disney I called her again want to talk about what is going on and she doesn't want to talk about it again I am "pressuring" her. So am I pissed again. Oh and in-between the Beach and Disney trips she talks me into letting her borrow $545. She actually paid this back and the last of it is in the form on a ounce of weed ($200) worth. So I go to the apartment to pick it up. She tries to get me to hang out I'm like no I have to go. She is like well just hang out for a little bit. I'm like no I can't she keeps insisting.

Finally I'm like "what's the ing point you're stringing me along and I love your kids and I want to be around them and this is hurting me" etc. So I just leave. And she texts me "I don't know why you're being like this. it's like that one time you stormed off"

And now here comes by super powerful guilt, regret, shame, and rumination brain pattern that I now realize I have lived with for most of my life.

I blame myself for breaking up with her in the first place. I blame myself for not handling the attempted reconciliation better, too much pressure, too much contact. I blame myself for being needy, I blame myself for letting her borrow the $10,000, for co-signing the lease. I tell myself if I didn't give her the money and if I didn't sign the lease I could have moved her into the my house, and we never would have had so many fights. I blame myself that I was lazy sexually I could've always made sure she orgasmed we all know that happens for most girls clitorially but I never took the time to make sure I always went down on her. I tell myself that's why she's into this chick now.

So anyway I pretty much went NC, and then my mom died and I had a week moment and I reached out to her. So I let myself get sucked back into talking with her, she tells me all her problems basically she had too move out of the apartment boo hoo her kids don;t have stability blah blah. I let her convince me to keep some of her stuff that she can;t fit in the storage unit. Then she calls me up one day crying begging for $300 because she needs it for this friend that she is staying with. Turns out it is the sister of the dominatrix lesbian girlfriend of her's now. She left that out but anyways like a IDIOT I let her have the money. Then my birthday came and I text her about it. She came over with the kids she got me some stuff from the vegan place cupcakes and whatnot and some balloons.

I was on xanax and drinking because after all this with her and then my mom passing I am a complete mess. And she tells me she is living with the what's her name girl and I'm like "and you like her?" and she's like "yeah"

So I was pretty chill because I was medicated but a day or 2 later I text her and I'm like I want all your out of my house and I don't ever want to talk to you again. And we have this dramatic text battle and I basically tell her what's her name, I know for a fact, from your text messages, was in Texas doing domination sessions. And now that's who you want to be with and have your kids around? It makes me sick and you ing make me sick get your and get it by Monday or I am throwing it away.

Anyways I relented on that but I knew at this point I need all reminders gone and MUST go complete NC FOREVER. So then my dog gets a cancer tumor in the same leg for the 2nd time in like 2 months and I had to have her euthanized. So I was off work that day I get my buddy to help me and I took all the to where she is staying and dropped it off. I blocked and deleted her off ever social media profile. I also blocked her new girlfriend but not before I see my ex making comments on her profile pic about how she's sexy and all this . Stab me in the ing heart.

So anyways that was I guess like the last week in June. She text me that day "did you bring the stuff back" I ignore. Then July 1st she texts "how are you without Bessie? You've been in my thoughts" then immediately texts about some furniture item I didn't bring back. Right she really cares.

So anyway I have now also blocked her number. Haven'e done any stalking online, and have gotten rid of everything that reminds me of her EXCEPT her ing dog. None of her friends will take him and I can't find anyone to talk him.

Aaaand I am a ing mess. I am depressed I can barely get out of bed. I don't give a damn about doing anything I can't sit still at my desk and work w/o taking xanax. I feel guilty I feel worse about her than my mom passing but that is affecting me too and also my dog dying. And her and her kids so it's like 5 losses.

After typing all this I am kind of wondering why and the hell am I sitting around heartbroken over this crazy girl. But I don't know I guess I did love her and I so regret the way I handled it and I can't stop telling myself it could of worked out if only I had done XYZ. And a lot of the stuff she said when she reversed the breakup on me is some of the same reasons my previous girlfriend gave when she broke up with me. Such as I am negative and cynical about things and I am too hard on people, and I know this is true, to an extent. I do have a need to control people and I do have a need to be right, but it doesn't come out with friends or work acquaintances but it does come out in my intimate relationships. Plus it was 5 years in between those relationships, and I have been single for most of my adult life and I don't want to be, I want to have a close intimate emotional connection with someone.

I can barely get off the ground I am only hoping staying in NC and passing time will help. Hopefully I can start working out again, and start meditating, and start focusing on myself and what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have been depressed before but I have never, ever, felt this bad in my life. I constantly wish I could die just to make the pain go away. I know I am doing it to myself but I just don;t know how to make it stop.

I know there's nothing anyone can say but whatever comments are welcome, and it has been cathartic for me to get all of this out of my head and typed out into this little box. I am going to imagine that when I post this now I am releasing it into the universe.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Wow. This is like the summary of a bad lifetime movie.

 

Sorry about your mom and your dog. Wondering why you are vegan but can fuel your body with cocaine and booze?

Some men just love a crazy chick, and she's certainly high level crazy. Thinking your need to control and being short tempered has to do with the drug use/alcohol use and perhaps IED. Talk to a professional to see if they can diagnose you so that you can find a healthy, stable relationship and not wreck it by controlling and exploding on your partners. Do you always pick women who are needy and dependent on you?

 

As for her, you miss the crazy. It pissed you off but gave you life at the same time. Very toxic and unhealthy. Keep her blocked and cut off, both in communication and financially. What you should have done was call CPS on her and had her investigated for her drug use and irresponsible behaviors. I feel for the kids involved here.

Hey thanks for your reply. I actually did threaten to call CPS on her and the dom 's too as they had a kid too. To be fair me and her never got drunk or did coke when we had her kids. The were on an every other week rotation with her and the ex.

Yeah I guess I like to get high and party sometimes but I am also responsible at the same time. I but myself back through college and graduated at 32, I know how not to get party when I have to work the next day, etc. And I work hard at my job.

As far as being vegan I did it for ethical reasons. I know it sounds strange as I workout and generally try to be healthy.

Yeah I think you're right the craziness made me feel excited and alive and a sick part of me fed into it and enjoyed it. When I meet a girl who has her stuff together I feel bored. The Al-Anon meetings have really helped with that but it also hurts because it shows me how I mis-handled the situation.

And I don't know why but I can't stop beating myself up and saying if only I did XYZ it would have worked. I guess I did care about her despite all of her craziness and I really cared anout the kids, and I am mad that I blew up on her and stayed basically enraged at her for 2 months. You're right something is off in my psyche to have reacted that way, but again I suppose if I was healthy in the first place I never would have gotten involved with her. I suppose I was desperate to be in a relationship and she it a quite attractive girl, probably the most attractive that I have ever been in a serious relationship with.

Well, you're right. I don't know what to say after that story. I guess the moral is that sometimes it's better to be alone than to have a horrorshow of a girlfriend like yours. I hope you will stay No Contact, and in fact, you should move to the West Coast and get a new start. Get away from all these people and get your head together!

Haha! And there it is! The attractiveness. She was hot. And crazy. And addicting. So common .

 

Stability bores you. Nice bores you. So it's fine to want fun and be attracted, but look for that in someone who has their life together. You're almost 40. How long do you want to do this for? You know the changes you need to make. So make them.

 

Btw, I know a few lawyers/doctors who party it up with coke and heroin on some weekends and it's just a part of life, they've been that way since college years and are successful. So ya I know you can be stable when need be, but realize it's an addiction, and can kill you. You take a risk every time you use. Do you want to risk being found dead by a loved one? I think with narcan people use more freely where I live because they think they'll be saved if they overdose. 4 people just died here from a bad batch of heroin. Not trying to lecture you lol but you might find your mood improve if you can quit the addiction.

Yes thanks for your concern, I never have or would do heroin or any roxys or oxys or whatever. I don’t like the way painkillers or even xanax make me feel, I’m only taking the xanax to be able to get through the day. I don’t even notice anything from them except I’m able to actually sit at my desk.

You’re right she is crazy but I just can’t stop telling myself if I wouldn’t have signed the lease I could’ve just moved her into my house and none of this would’ve happened. I know it’s ridiculous wishful thinking and something else would’ve came up. Honestly when we were together I didn’t notice how crazy she was it was more fighting about money and I used to tell her “you just don’t get it” and she doesn’t. Like one time this guy her first ex husband from when she was like 19 who she still talks to had ordered some oils from this company she distributed for. Then his credit card info was still on the site and her order went through and it charged his card. She told me about it and I was like you have to cancel that and tell him about that’s not right. And she was like whatever he’s rich he can afford it.

Crazy I know and I swear it’s just my self confidence issue otherwise I should be able to objectively look at this like I got away from a mess but instead I’m just alone and lonely and want back the fantasy of a good relationship that never actually existed.

In response to Danzee’s comment:

Thanks I know logically you’re right but I know she did care about me in the beginning she just thinks it’s ok to use people and expects people to take care of her. Honestly after we broke up the stuff she dirk was much crazier than anything in our relationship.

One story she told me when we were on one of our dates in March was her now girlfriend was ghosting her one Friday so she went out with some guy who the lesbians had introduced her to. So anyways they get drunk and then did coke and she winds up at the strip club. One of the strippers knows the other lesbian dominatrix chick (not the one my ex is involved with) and I guess told her my ex was there. So, both of the lesbians show up at this strip club and the one who was together with the one who my ex is now dating was acting threatening towards her. So security kicks both of them out, and my ex goes outside and tried to talk to the one who she is now together with. Well that girls ex grabs my ex by the throats and throws her to the ground. I asked her what did whatever her name is (the one my ex is.now together with) do? And she’s like she looked at me and rolled her eyes. Then they get back to the apartment and this girl (her now girlfriend) is like “i saw the way you were looking at those strippers you never looked at me like that” Basically watched her get attacked did nothing to stop it didn’t check to see if she was ok and then came over and gave her a bunch of and jealousy for looking at strippers. And this is who my ex wants to be with?? How f’ing stupid and crazy can a person be and yet I’m the one sitting here missing her...You’re right I do need to get my head together...thanks

Don't know why you would financially support anyone, esp since that you haven't known or dated long. Talk about being a sugar daddy.

She sounds a mess. Aim higher.

Thanks yeah I just felt bad for her. Her ex was being really aggressive and I saw some of his texts and they were quite abusive. He was going for full custody saying she was an unfit mother, etc. At one point in out relationship they had exchanged kids and he kept them from her for 30 days. I really cared about her kids too.

Right now I am just feeling very, very down. I have struggled with depression and have been alone most of my adult life, most of my relationships have blown up, like this one.

I just keep blaming myself and I have trouble stopping the wheel of negative thoughts in my head. I feel like I should not have broken up with her, telling myself maybe it wasn't that bad, I should've just accepted her the way she was. I know her kids had become attached to me and I just walked out of their lives too. When we started hanging out again in Jan her daughter was in her room and heard my voice in the living room and came running out, but when she saw me she froze up and acted scared almost. You could tell me being around and then disappearing had affected her, and of course already she has been affected by her parents splitting up and being shuttled back and forth.

The regret and guilt are weighing me down, and I know I am in an full blown depression at this point. I used to work out at least 4-5 times a week I haven't been able to do that at all. I am barely remembering to keep track of bills, etc. All I want to do as soon as I get off work is go home and sleep. I wake up at 4 am every morning and then can't go back to sleep until usually around 5 or 6, then when it's actually time to get up and get ready for work I can barely get out of bed.

And of course I lost my mom and my dog, and I still have her dog to take care of plus 3 other dogs. I am just miserable and I feel weak and flawed because I see other people on here and they are able to work out and do their chores and hold it together even after coming out of years long relationships and this one was just 8-9 months. Why can't I pull it together??

I just feel like I made a huge mistake and I broke up with her early November and she was trying to invite me to Thanksgiving with her family and I didn't go and called me on X-mas and I didn't answer, and I wasn't there for her on NYE, I stayed home and did nothing. It;s like what's wrong with me I isolate myself from people.

And all that time I know she was hurting and I made her go through the holidays alone and then this girl slipped in there and filled the void for her.

Of course looking at all her behavior I don't know if it would have worked but damn I just wish I hadn't broken up with her and then just stayed basically enraged at her for 2 months. I don't like that I did that and I don't like how it reflects on me and my own behavior and I guess it's leading to me not liking myself and not taking care of myself...damn I am just struggling bad I hate that this happened.

It may be best to cut all ties and not enable her with money to keep luring her back for sex.

What is this and does your exgf engage in it?

one of them does financial domination

It may be best to cut all ties and not enable her with money to keep luring her back for sex.

 

What is this and does your exgf engage in it?

Yeah so it's like being a dominatrix but in this case the guys get off on being exploited for lots of money like having to send the dom their whole paycheck.

My ex didn't engage this when we were together and I am 99% confident she never has done anything like that such as stripping, etc. I met most of her friends and family and they are all pretty classy people. Plus she was with her ex-husband for 6 years and raising the kids (they are 2 and 5) and she worked as a nanny.

Although I am not sure now it seems like she has lost her mind and fallen off the deep end.

One thing I left out is that in February when it was time to resign her apartment lease she tried to get her dad to co-sign, he got turned down, her aunt wouldn't do it, her sister wouldn't so it, so she asked me.

I said no, and then she offered to have sex with me once a week if I would sign it.

I know, I know, why do I even miss this girl why am I upset over this it should be considered a gain rather than a loss...I think I miss the kids more than anything.

This isn't about your crazy ex, this is about you. You are 100% right to wonder what you did wrong. You are 100% wrong on which of your decisions were the wrong ones. You needed to stick to your guns the first time you broke up and stay away.

You cared more about your ex'es drama than your mother dying because you had already replaced the space in your life that used to contain family drama with relationship drama. You would not know what to do with yourself without someone elses drama to deal with. You might have to actually look at yourself and see the pain that is there, and you are too scared to do so. Much easier to find someone who is a complete basket case to feel a little bit better about yourself and have something else to focus on.

I mean, on top of the casual (but "responsible") drug use that also helps to keep your self awareness low. Depression isn't always a bad thing - it's a liar telling you you did the wrong things or are the wrong person, but it's lying to you because there are things that you have buried that need to be dealt with, and your depression doesn't want you to figure them out. Going vegan and meditating isn't going to be enough to clear the fog this time, you have to do the real work.

This is way beyond a forum's ability to help, I hope you are getting help beyond self medication.

I am really sorry about the kids, they definitely don't deserve to be brought up in such a mess, though it is common. If you had seen drug use in front of the kids then you have grounds to call cps. But without evidence it is not going to do much good. As for the bond you had made with them, to them you are one more crazy person in their mom's orbit. There are a lot of kids like them who need help. Have you considered volunteering? Doing work somewhere where you can actually help rather than being sucked into a user's black hole?

Focus on positive changes you can make in your own life, and maybe in the world. The best cure for regret is to start making better choices.

This isn't about your crazy ex, this is about you. You are 100% right to wonder what you did wrong. You are 100% wrong on which of your decisions were the wrong ones. You needed to stick to your guns the first time you broke up and stay away.

 

You cared more about your ex'es drama than your mother dying because you had already replaced the space in your life that used to contain family drama with relationship drama. You would not know what to do with yourself without someone elses drama to deal with. You might have to actually look at yourself and see the pain that is there, and you are too scared to do so. Much easier to find someone who is a complete basket case to feel a little bit better about yourself and have something else to focus on.

 

I mean, on top of the casual (but "responsible") drug use that also helps to keep your self awareness low. Depression isn't always a bad thing - it's a liar telling you you did the wrong things or are the wrong person, but it's lying to you because there are things that you have buried that need to be dealt with, and your depression doesn't want you to figure them out. Going vegan and meditating isn't going to be enough to clear the fog this time, you have to do the real work.

 

This is way beyond a forum's ability to help, I hope you are getting help beyond self medication.

 

I am really sorry about the kids, they definitely don't deserve to be brought up in such a mess, though it is common. If you had seen drug use in front of the kids then you have grounds to call cps. But without evidence it is not going to do much good. As for the bond you had made with them, to them you are one more crazy person in their mom's orbit. There are a lot of kids like them who need help. Have you considered volunteering? Doing work somewhere where you can actually help rather than being sucked into a user's black hole?

 

Focus on positive changes you can make in your own life, and maybe in the world. The best cure for regret is to start making better choices.

Yeah I agree with you there are deeper issues here. Of course I grew up in a chaotic, alcoholic family so yes her drama felt comfortable to me. Clearly she is crazy and makes terrible decisions and although professes to love her kids dearly and want stability for them, she actually makes choices in direct opposition to that.

I agree the depression is something I have struggled with my whole life and it mostly (although there are perhaps other factors) has to do with feeling "not good enough" as a child due to neglect from my father, who belittled me when he wasn't ignoring me.

For years in my 20's I was directionless and massively depressed and had zero relationships and zero confidence with women used drugs and porn as an addiction to cover up my pain.

However when I turned 28 I started working out and taught myself discipline. I went back to college and worked my way through it 100% on my own, and made an A in every class I took except for my very last capstone course where I got a B when my last girlfriend dumped me. I got my degree at 32 and I improved my confidence and actually got to the point where I could approach and pick up active women.

However I just couldn't find one that I clicked with. Until her, and it took 5 long years. I was single but I was mostly happy I wasn't massively depressed like I am now. But yes I still craved a special relationship. And then I thought I found it with her and when I started to see that she wasn't what I had imagined in the honeymoon stage, I started projected my past let downs with those who I wanted to love me (my parents) on to her. And I do feel that she had real feeling for me but she thinks or expects other people to always take care of her. Her mom abandoned her family when she was 16 so she has issues from that and I think both her mom and dad ignored her in favor of her brother.

Anyways yeah she wasn't healthy enough for a mature relationship (probably I wasn't either, although I think I'm closer than her).

But yes I do see a therapist and I have started Al-Anon meetings and am going to start working the steps soon and working on my recovery and hopefully I'll find the motivation to start working out again.

And I agree your comment is rather insightful and I can;t argue that there is old pain inside me that I have yet to transcend, and it probably was what led me to go down the road with her in the first place as I saw her as the answer to all my life's pain and longing, rather than having given that to myself first in which case I would perhaps have had the confidence to not get sucked into a relationship with her.

Regardless I am a human and I did come to care for her so I do feel bad about how I handled breaking up with her, and I am really heartbroken that I will never see her kids again. They are really sweet kids and I loved them. I taught her son to swim and I loved her daughter as if she was my own blood.

Thanks for replying.

Well good on you for trying to pull yourself up out of your past and recent troubles. Not everyone can do that!

I think that you were seeming to do well, but still had that vulnerability of needing to be loved, that let you get caught up in this relationship past the honeymoon stage. I think many of us have made similar mistakes at one point or another. But once you were enabling her and paying for all this things without much reciprocation, it became something else. It's weird that you were perhaps wanting to replace your parents, and yet you are the one who became the parent. In my view, relationships work best when you both have something to offer, rather than both having a need you hope the other will fulfill.

Keep working on letting go and getting free. It's OK to miss the kids, but they aren't your concern any longer. Think of what it is like for a teacher - they only get a brief time with the kids and then they move on. Even parents of kids - eventually the kids grow up and are not the same. You can at least be proud of the attempts you made for them here.

This isn't about your crazy ex, this is about you. You are 100% right to wonder what you did wrong. You are 100% wrong on which of your decisions were the wrong ones. You needed to stick to your guns the first time you broke up and stay away.

 

You cared more about your ex'es drama than your mother dying because you had already replaced the space in your life that used to contain family drama with relationship drama. You would not know what to do with yourself without someone elses drama to deal with. You might have to actually look at yourself and see the pain that is there, and you are too scared to do so. Much easier to find someone who is a complete basket case to feel a little bit better about yourself and have something else to focus on.

 

I mean, on top of the casual (but "responsible") drug use that also helps to keep your self awareness low. Depression isn't always a bad thing - it's a liar telling you you did the wrong things or are the wrong person, but it's lying to you because there are things that you have buried that need to be dealt with, and your depression doesn't want you to figure them out. Going vegan and meditating isn't going to be enough to clear the fog this time, you have to do the real work.

 

This is way beyond a forum's ability to help, I hope you are getting help beyond self medication.

 

I am really sorry about the kids, they definitely don't deserve to be brought up in such a mess, though it is common. If you had seen drug use in front of the kids then you have grounds to call cps. But without evidence it is not going to do much good. As for the bond you had made with them, to them you are one more crazy person in their mom's orbit. There are a lot of kids like them who need help. Have you considered volunteering? Doing work somewhere where you can actually help rather than being sucked into a user's black hole?

 

Focus on positive changes you can make in your own life, and maybe in the world. The best cure for regret is to start making better choices.

Bingo!

Excellent post! The only other thing you missed was the use of financial control, you attempted to buy her love.

Spend the money on intense therapy, you wont regret it

Bingo!

 

Excellent post! The only other thing you missed was the use of financial control, you attempted to buy her love.

 

Spend the money on intense therapy, you wont regret it

Well I would say this, I only gave her the money for her lawyer after we had been together for about 4 months (still too soon I know) but we had already told each other we loved the other by then, and she was terrified she was going to lose her kids and I didn't want to see that happen. I cared about her kids too.

Also she promised she would find a job and that's why I co-signed her lease. I trusted her but I think she just took my paying for things as an indicator that I would always do so.

Idk I am still wishing I didn't breakup with her and had made more effort to talk through these issues...I've never felt pain like this in my life, it's at least 10x worse than my previous breakup.

Yep, that's how the law sees it also. They are all gifts with no expectation of repayment. Especially when you continue the arrangement with no repayment and there is no paperwork to the effect that anything is a loan.

You are acting like and she's treating you like a sugar daddy who provides financial support/backup for sexual favors. She's not your gf, you extorted sex for credit. Is she on drugs? Her family wrote her off. Why make this sound like a rescue mission when you ask for sexual favors in exchange for financial favors?

she just took my paying for things as an indicator that I would always do so.

Yep, that's how the law sees it also. They are all gifts with no expectation of repayment. Especially when you continue the arrangement with no repayment and there is no paperwork to the effect that anything is a loan.

 

You are acting like and she's treating you like a sugar daddy who provides financial support/backup for sexual favors. She's not your gf, you extorted sex for credit. Is she on drugs? Her family wrote her off. Why make this sound like a rescue mission when you ask for sexual favors in exchange for financial favors?

I didn't ask for sexual favors in exchange for money.

I met her on Tinder in 2/2017. We went on two dates (she paid for half of the first one) and then we had sex. Over the next 5 months we had a normal gf/bf relationship, although yes I paid for our nights out and about but I was not paying any of her bills.

Then she was in the midst of a divorce with her ex husband and he was aggressively going for full custody. She had retained a lawyer in 08/2016 and in July of 2017 the retainer was used up and the case was headed to trial, and the attorney was going to drop her case if she didn't pay the additional trial retainer was $10K.

At that point I felt I was in love with her, maybe it was just lust/infatuation stage idk but I cared about her and her kids so I paid the lawyer, based on a verbal agreement between her and I that she would pay me back. She hadn't been working and I believed her that it was because she was a stay at home mom when her husband left. He left in the middle of the night with her kids to another state and this was confirmed.

Anyways over the course of those 5 months there was an order in place that the ex husband had to continue to pay the rent on the home they were living in and he did for a few months but then he stopped paying. She borrowed some from family but I guess she missed a month or two and the landlord was not going to renew her lease, so also in July I agreed to co-sign an apartment lease.

So I only loaned the money and co-signed that apartment and started helping her with bills after we had been dating for 5 months having regular sex and a regular relationship. Yes I paid for all of our nights out and bought her small gifts like flowers, etc.

I NEVER asked her for sexual favors in exchange for financial favors, I loaned money and co-signed a lease for a girlfriend.

As a matter of fact after I broke up with her in November, and then we ran into each other in January and had a bunch of fights when we were seeing each other a bit, she reversed the breakup on me at the end of January and admitted that she did "hook up" with this girl and that she did like her. Then she spent the entire month of February basically dating this girl, However at the end of February she needed me to go to the divorce trial and in fact the ex had me subpoenaed,

Anyways I had already called the landlord and said I wanted off the lease. She tried to get approved with her dad as a co-signor and she was turned down as her dad does not have good credit. Then her sister and aunt both declined to co-sign her lease.

Sooo she came to be at the end of February and straight up asked me if I would co-sign the lease if she agreed to have sex with me once a week, and I turned her down.

It was definitely never a "sugar daddy" relationship, although she was lazy and irresponsible and definitely had expressed that she wanted to me like her fiends mom's who have rich husbands and don't work.

Doesn't this in itself tell you something about her character that everyone else who knows her realizes except you? Is she offering "escort" services because she has drug problems?

the ex had me subpoenaed. her sister and aunt both declined to co-sign her lease. asked me if I would co-sign the lease if she agreed to have sex with me once a week.

Doesn't this in itself tell you something about her character that everyone else who knows her realizes except you? Is she offering "escort" services because she has drug problems?

I agree yes logically I can see that she doesn't get it when it comes to the fact that other people work hard for their money and she seems to think it's no big deal when she borrows large sums and doesn't repay them. She either just doesn't care/is selfish or just had no concept that people work hard for their money and it is disrespectful to take loans form friends and family and then make no efforts to be responsible and try to pay them back.

The initial retainer for the divorce attorney was $10K her sister let her borrow. She even relayed to me in a conversation early in her relationship that her sister was telling her that she needed to have a "sense of urgency" with regards to getting at least a part time job in anticipation of additional lawyer fees. She definitely dragged her feet on getting a job when we were together.

Also I had a conversation with her aunt in January when things had already went really south where her aunt told me she has given her tons of money over the years and never been re-payed by my ex, and also her aunt considered her "a retarded person, or a child" when it comes to financial matters.

Another friend told me she has a huge sense of entitlement and just a few weeks ago another friend called me because I was trying to get rid of her dog (who I still have) because she cannot find anyone else willing to take the dog, and this friend told me that me ex "needs to get her together" This friend also told me she thinks my ex is being selfish because she was suggesting that when she gets on her feet "in like 5 years" that she wants the dog back, and this friend thought that was selfish and unfair to the dog as he would be accustomed to whatever environment he was in at that point.

As far as I know when we were together she doesn't have an addiction to hard drugs. We both smoke weed occasionally and sometimes we would do coke on the weekends but that was usually my idea and it is a bad habit that I have had for quite a few years. Now I realize it's not a justification but I do know how to control it and never use it when I have to work the next day and never spend more than I can afford.

I think the reason she never has money is she is lazy and unmotivated to work. As I said she stated to me she wants to be like her rich friends moms who don't have to work because their husbands are wealthy. She finally did get a job in October and the first day I picked her up from the mall she made purchases. That job was freelance fragrance at Macy's and for cancelled, but the company transferred her to a standalone store. But then she won't work at all on the days when she has her kids (unlike most people who put kids in day care so they can work FT) and also she is always late to work.

This is exacerbated by the fact that she spends money heedlessly of the fact that bills are coming do. When I was trying to reconcile with her in March we went to Disney one day and she spent $70 on Easter basket candy for her kids, knowing that she had no place to live after her apartment lease expired. Then one date during that period we went to the casino and I gave her $100 to play and she lost it all and then took $100 out of her own account and lost it all. She then sent me a text while I was in another part of the casino "I lost $100 I might kill myself"

I know all this logically but my heart and emotions haven't caught up. My brain can tell me that she used people for money and either doesn't care or just has no concept of how people have to work for money and that it is a serious matter. It really is like she is a child in this way, or just doesn't give a .

And the offer to have sex with my for me to co-sign the lease was a total slap to the face and disgusting suggestion in my opinion.

Again logically I know this but I guess it's a self esteem issue with me I have been single for so much of my adult life I just miss having someone. And I was fine after I broke up with her for all of Nov and Dec. It wasn't until she decided to go with the girl instead of me at the end of January that i started to feel miserable. And it's beacuse I was rejected then, and I know that's a self esteem thing and a fear of mine in the past it took me so long to find someone to become a gf and not just a ONS. And I do miss her kids...

I know my brain tells myself I should be happy to have gotten away from her but my heart won't listen and also my self esteem is fragile, and I have heard that it is harder to get over toxic people because it is like an addiction.

Anyways I have quit using anything myself but I do have to take xanax to be able to make it through my workday and sit still at my desk, and I started cigs again but hopefully after this withdrawl from her (I finally went complete NC July 1st) I will be able to start working out again and doing something besides laying in bed reading when I am not at work.

Thanks for your reply it does help to have others insight to point out what by logical mind and brain already know but my emotions/heart won't accept.

OK... so she is a selfish, thoughtless, toxic user by your account and the accounts of her family and people who know her. Yeah, for the first 5 months you didn't notice these things, because it usually takes that long to get through the barriers and see the real person. But then you saw the truth, and kept staying there "for the children". Or maybe you were afraid you wouldn't find a connection like that again, because it felt like you had to work so hard to find this one. Maybe you were just tired of working for happiness. Until you finally realized that staying with toxic is actually more work than being on your own. Sure, you are having a tough time now. But it's less of a tough time than if you were still seeing her, trust me. I know that when we are in pain it is hard to see the different levels of pain we could be in, we just want the hurt to stop. But keep telling yourself the truth - that you were wise to walk away and that you'll be better off to stay away. Eventually that message will get through.

And you have to stop waiting to feel "right" to start doing things that will help you. Get back on the workout train and you will start feeling better. Don't go tomorrow, go today. Laying around in your bed not moving and not doing anything is just sitting in a stew of your own crummy emotions. You have to ACT FIRST: emotions follow action.

OK... so she is a selfish, thoughtless, toxic user by your account and the accounts of her family and people who know her. Yeah, for the first 5 months you didn't notice these things, because it usually takes that long to get through the barriers and see the real person. But then you saw the truth, and kept staying there "for the children". Or maybe you were afraid you wouldn't find a connection like that again, because it felt like you had to work so hard to find this one. Maybe you were just tired of working for happiness. Until you finally realized that staying with toxic is actually more work than being on your own. Sure, you are having a tough time now. But it's less of a tough time than if you were still seeing her, trust me. I know that when we are in pain it is hard to see the different levels of pain we could be in, we just want the hurt to stop. But keep telling yourself the truth - that you were wise to walk away and that you'll be better off to stay away. Eventually that message will get through.

 

And you have to stop waiting to feel "right" to start doing things that will help you. Get back on the workout train and you will start feeling better. Don't go tomorrow, go today. Laying around in your bed not moving and not doing anything is just sitting in a stew of your own crummy emotions. You have to ACT FIRST: emotions follow action.

Thanks for your reply. Yes I know you're right, it's funny everything she has done since the breakup had only made it more clear who she is, and that is a toxic and selfish person. I wish I there was a switch I could just flip to take this logic and stop loving her, but I can't. I guess it's not so easy and I do have guilt because of how I handled the breakup and how I would always get angry with her. Of course anyone would get angry when she is constantly wasting money and putting "us" in a financial bind, but I would have preferred to just maturely withdraw.

And the loneliness is definitely getting to me. I guess those first two months after I dumped her I just felt relieved of not having to deal with the drama and constant crisis. And I know I had become a part of her kids life and I feel bad about just disappearing from their lives. Add to that my mom passing away and my dog passing away, and being at my age of 39 when most of my lifelong childhood friends have drifted away. I know it's on me to get out there and find new friends, it's almost just as hard to connect with people who can be good friends as it is to find a romantic partner it seems sometimes.

Thanks I know I need to get back into my routine. My life and my dogs life is suffering I am letting things slip and slide all over the place. I know I have to get myself back on my own feet, it's just so damn hard when I've been lonely for so long and felt like I was so close and wishing she could've have just been a littel more mature, a little more responsible.

Thanks I am going to try to at least take my dogs on a bike ride this afternoon and I have joined a gym so I am going to try and get my a$$ out of bed tomorrow and get into the gym before work.

Thanks again.

Well I decided to give an update and see what thoughts you guys have.

So I did really good for all of July, strict NC. Then I had to try and get rid of her dog, is a big reminder of her and plus I have 4 dogs is too much ( I tend to overextend myself trying to save, like I did with my ex). You can check my post history to see about the dog stuff, or the original post to see about the whole drama relationship and breakup.

So anyways I reached out to her friend who she had previously put me in touch with and told her I was close to finding someone to take the dog, and if so it would be permanent so my ex's last chance to find someone on her own if she hopes to one day get the dog back.

In the meantime I have been doing poorly and it's only my fault. Not doing the work to feel better because I just can't find the motivation. I am very depressed and anxious and have been withdrawing, not working out, laying in bed reading. I unblocked her number...Constant obsessing thoughts what if, should have done this, guilt about walking out on her and the kids when perhaps it could've worked out, etc, etc.

So I didn't hear from the friend for a week figured I'd have to make my own arrangements. So then Friday night I got a text from the friend saying my ex would take the dog, then my ex also text me saying she would pick him up next week (this week). I told the friend thanks, and then I replied to the ex "ok please let me know specifically when you will be picking him up" and she said she would.

I left it at that, and then maybe like 3 hours later she text me again, saying "I haven't forgot about the $300 I owe you, I will pay you back still, I lost my job last month (although she didn't say I know she got fired, she had told me she was always late, and it's at Disney so I know they didn't close down or lay her off). Then she went on to say she had to give her kids back to her ex because she doesn't even have the money to buy them food, so now she only sees them every other weekend (after I spent $10K for her lawyer so she could get 50/50 custody) and it kills her, and she is training for a new job and will hopefully be back on her feet soon.

My first response was just cold "ok sorry for the unfortunate events, please let me know when you can get the dog" And she replied, I'll let you know when I know.

After a little bit I felt it was kind of cold, so I sent a text "sorry to hear you are struggling, I know it must be very hard not seeing the kids, and I know they miss you. I hope things get better" She relied "thanks I am taking them to visit my dad and friends because I have them this weekend at least"

And I replied "that's good have fun say hi to the kids and your dad and L (a friend of hers who I did really like) talk to you later.

So I guess this is why they say complete NC is best because after that I felt the overwhelming urge to know more about what is going on with her so I went and snooped at her FB page. She had made this big long post about how she "haven't been a good mom, daughter, sister, friend, insert whatever I am to you here...because of all the stuff I have been going through...but god has never deserted me, and those of you who have not pushed me away thank you and I am always here as a shoulder to cry on or if you ever need anything blah blah blah." I guess it was an apology of sorts and her getting fired and realizing she can't take care of her kids catalyzed it. And of course I see her pictures and stuff. But I don't feel like it set me back or anything because I honestly have not really made any progress I still feel like crap everyday and can only escape when I am reading books.

So idk I know it's certainly not my fault but I feel bad for her and the kids, I know they will miss their mom...I know she will miss them but part of me wonders if she doesn't feel relieved.

Look guys I know she is an obv mess but I also know I made lot's of mistakes. I gave her money and co-signed her lease and just enabled her but then I tried to hold her to a high standard. She is lazy and did take forever to get a job and now she has managed to get fired from the job she finally did get. When we were together I tried to change her and I was always lecturing her and trying to tell her what she should do and give "good advice" Then it got to the point where I was just not satisfied with anything she would do, such as letting her kids mess up the house and not cleaning up promptly, not keeping her car clean (it was actually quite gross piles of garbage and even half eaten food from her kids in there for weeks), not trying to save money or work hard enough to get a job.

And so I just keep thinking, should have just accepted her as she is, should not have paid for the lawyer so she could learn the consequences on her own, should not have tried to control her or tell her what to do, should not have co-signed the aprtment and had her move in with me and we'd still be together if I could have just accepted her as is. Which I guess I am fantasizing her and putting her on a pedestal, but honestly it is not like she is evil and she never yelled at me or anything. She just won't or can't get her life together and I think she is just messed up from having a domineering mother and being ignored mostly as a child....

So anyway I haven't heard back about the dog I was thinking to text her today or tomorrow and see what her plan is regarding that....

Just venting. I am having a terrible time never in my life have I had this level of obsessive thoughts, anxiety, or depression. I guess I cared about her more than I thought and her kids too, and feel very guilty and stupid for calling it off then ignoring her for months only to now feel this way. And I am older now and I am having irrational fears about being alone...it did take me 5 years between her and my last long term girlfriend. I don't know I guess I am just venting. And I can't deny that my heart still wants her back and I am holding on.

So what to do? Text her about the dog? Or just keep waiting? Or just block her and number again and really put in more effort to truly move on and sort the dog out myself?

You already texted her about the dog.

You're trying to use the dog as an excuse to reinsert yourself into her life.

Do NOT text her YET AGAIN about the dog.

well technically i ignored her last texts she sent me back on 7/1. she text me about the dog and said she would figure something out this week, I asked for specifics, then she came with the text about losing her job and having to give up 50/50 custody.

After that I asked her to let me know specifically when she would come get the dog, which she said she would. Then a little later I sent a text sympathizing with her situation, and she thanked me, and I replied telling her to enjoy her weekend with the kids and say hi to people for me, then I closed off the conversation and said talk to you later.

I haven't heard anything since then, but the point is I need her to take her dog back...unless of course she came over to get him and seemed like she wanted to talk then I don't think I could say no to that, I miss her and yeah I still want her back. Maybe I shouldn't but that's what my heart is telling me.

"After that I asked her to let me know specifically when she would come get the dog, which she said she would."

You already asked her to let you know. At least once, and I think it was actually twice. Asking again would be a transparent attempt to start up another conversation.

And your "heart" isn't communicating with you. It's your emotions because you have slipped back into lurking on her life. Now you want more hits of the drug, which isn't surprising.

Get rid of the dog and stop encouraging those thoughts about her. It's the only way. You have to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps and carry yourself through the pain - trying to do things that make you feel better (or make you think it will make you feel better) is just avoiding moving on.