When your childhood sweetheart...crushes your heart

I’ve known this guy since we were small, primary school kids. Just shy of 6 or 7 years old. I remember those days really well and we were childhood sweethearts. Of course, back then we had no idea what it was and we would never have admitted it even to ourselves. We just liked each other…he liked to get on my nerves, but we were always friends.

We only ever saw each other at school… and in the summer I used to see him at the village feast running around and helping with stuff, and I remember even at that young age, that it used to bug me a little that for some reason he never stopped to speak to me. At school we were all buddies but during the feast he just doesn’t.

Anyways, I always put it aside that he was too busy at the feast to pay me any mind, which hurt a little, but I moved on.

As we finished primary school, we never saw each other again… only during the feast week every summer. And year after year, when I go down with cousins and family, I wonder if I would see him again. I started acknowledging that I had developed a crush on him ( he was growing up to be really handsome, tall and well-built). And I started suspecting that maybe the attraction was mutual, judging by his body language. And he still never spoke to me. I myself was too shy to make the first move... I was always very reserved and quiet.

I remember once feeling shocked, seeing him smoke when we were barely 14 years old. Then he started getting piercings. I also remember distinct pangs of ..jealousy? when I used to see him with other girls. He was always popular with the girls…and whats not to like seriously? He was funny, smart, VERY hard working and dedicated, loved a good time and kind. He was always very kind. remember feeling sorry for him, knowing he was a school dropout at 15. I myself went on studying.

As we kept on growing, the attraction grew as well. I sometimes used to see him when I went out clubbing with my friends. Its like I went through my whole life, through different experiences… and he was always that one constant at the very back of my mind which never changed. Someone I knoe exactly where to find and someone, I know exactly that he likes me, just from the very look in his eyes. That never changed.

I was studying law at University when I met my husband. I was doing my final year…. Our relationship was always characterized by hassle… what with him moving abroad, and myself being stuck in a long-distance relationship. Then a lot of bad things started to happen…I got cancer, I recovered successfully, moved abroad to be with my husband, had a child who was born with special needs, moved back home, and finally, after a 7-year long distance relationship, 4 of which were in marriage…. Made the decision to separate from my husband for irretrievable marital breakdown.

In the year before my child was born, my childhood crush had added me on social media which came as a very nice surprise. However, he never made any move to contact me. Of course, I refrained from contacting him as well, seeing that I was married. Thinking back, I could have messaged him on a friendly basis… but I remember feeling really weird about it… I mean the last time we spoke, we were like 10 years old!!

Now this is where things start to get interesting.

IN December last year, immediately after calling things off with my husband, I changed my pictures on social media, removing the ones I had with my ex, and uploading ones by myself. And my childhood crush immediately started to like every single thing I uploaded. This went on for a few weeks… until finally!! He started to talk to me. Of course weird is an understatement. What the hell was there to talk about? I knew he was interested to start something…but wait stop! He was now living abroad, working in another country. If luck isn’t ty I don’t know what is. So obviously, I thought, Im not going to encourage anything because Im seriously not starting another long distance thing. He stopped after a while, but I messaged him on his birthday, and texting went on everyday from then onwards and we discussed EVERYTHING. About how he always thought I was out of his league and that I am too good for him, and that he had always had a huge crush on me and thought of me even when he was with his ex. And that he wanted to start something with me but when he added me on social media, he realised I was with someone so he couldn’t. He was pleased to know that I felt the same, and that I would be happy to go out with him, if we were in the same country. He also told me he would be back by the end of the year. I reasoned that, if there was something special between us, it was worth waiting for. I mean, a crush which lasted for years has to mean something right??! Besides, I was not in a hurry to start any other relationshi8p so soon after my marriage… so waiting for this one didn’t seem too bad.

Straight up he started to confess things to me…. That he fathered a 10 year old daughter, whom he only met twice in her life and that he feels guilty that he never acknowledged her as his own. This seemed a very sore subject to him which always sent him in a bad mood. He mentioned disagreeing with this mother and never getting along with his family. He also mentioned that he sometimes smoked weed when things got stressful at work.

So started the incessant texting. All day, sometimes all hours, even during the night, when he would be on his night shift, and I couldn’t fall asleep. Sending each other selfies. (does he grow even more handsome with every passing day?!) We sexted a number of times…there was really no doubt about how attracted we are to each other!!

There seemed to be a telepathic connection, we could read each other when upset. He took a lot of interest in my son and my well being and was very considerate and expressed a number of times that he cant wait to see me and my son. He was the sweetest person you could possibly hope to talk to… straightforward, say it like it is type. We chatted for two whole months and we had agreed on being exclusive. We pointed out certain things we didn’t like about each other… such as the fact that I go to pole dancing classes.. he told he he wouldn’t like it if I ever danced in public. On my part, I didn’t like that his passion was dabbling in fireworks… he was licenced to handle and set off fireworks and this was something he claimed to be in his blood. We ve had multiple disagreements over this.

He told me that I ve really changed his mindset and perspective just by talking to him each day and that he has become addicted to me. I could understand this as I was at a similar point myself…. He was making my days brighter, and was really the ray of light in my days which seemed full of problems, tied with my separation problems and other stuff. He had become a constant in my life… a point of reference in my day.

He booked his passage to visit me… the days coinciding with the annual village feast.

He told me his wanted to see me straight away as he arrives. He asked me to take leave from work the day after… and I agreed. So when the day came, I met him at 1 am.

After years of being attracted to each other, one thing led to another and we had sex that first night.

I noticed he brought weed with him, rolled a joint and started smoking. As we discussed points of divergence, he struck me as being very adamant about his ways. I pointed out that I d rather he removed his tongue piercing, something which he only did temporarily, was adamant at never quitting fireworks, even if it meant choosing them over me (and yet kept on saying he didn’t want this to come between us…so then, he wanted me to just accept it. He also told me that the following day he would be going to see his friends and to help with the feast preparations… when he had previously told me that didn’t feel like helping this year.

I returned home with a general negative vibe, which I couldn’t point out. He exuded a sense of hedonism and irresponsibility and lack of credibility, which somehow I couldn’t equate with the person I had been texting. Its as like I had met someone else entirely.

When I woke up the next day, disappointment was what I felt at first. I acted on first instinct and told him that maybe we’re not so right for each other after all and told him what was bothering me. Over the course of all this, he seemed busy with whatever it was he was doing and barely took any time to answer properly. We did make up after this of course, but he never made any attempts to meet me again… not to discuss, not to spend time together, not even for 10 mins, and not even to text me like he usually does. I had no idea where he was or what he was up to. He was all the time busy with the feast. I as bewildered and already really hurt. I told him I missed his company, and he just put the blame on me. He told me he was planning to extend his stay just to spend time with me (to me it just didn’t make sense… I was feeling used and nowhere near his top priorities).

On one occasion, I surprised him by turning up at the feast with my 4 year old son without telling him. When he saw me there, he just ignored me!! And then if you please, he messaged me at 5am asking me where I went last night as he couldn’t see me any more at one point!!!!

For me that was the final straw. I ignored him for the whole day and in the evening, when he asked me if I was done, I said yes I was.

Two days later… someone posted a picture on social media, a 22 year old girl, 9 years my junior, showing she was having lunch with him. I didn’t know what to make of this and I didn’t want to assume the worst.

Before the date he was supposed to have left I wrote him a message about how disappointed I was how things turned out and that it was over between us. I was broken-hearted at this point. He found time for everyone, just not for me. He replied that If I communicated more we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

On the last day before he left (he stayed longer anyway), he messaged me asking If I had 5 minutes for him before he left. By then I was missing him so much, I was literally in tears day after day, trying to get him off my mind. The pain was trying to understand why the person on text was so different from how he presented himself. Why he shunned me aside for 2 whole weeks. I probably shouldn’t have accepted, but my heart seemed to win, and accepted to have lunch with him after work.

I confronted him about what happened and gave me a lot of mushy, unsatisfactory excuses. Asking him about his lunch date, he couldn’t meet my eyes and said it was nothing.

After we drove home, we agreed to patch things up tentatively. Though I wasn’t sure I wanted to commit myself. I had been hurt, and did not want to be used again. He ended up throwing a lot of blame on me and said he was not happy at all, and we could have spent so much time together. Unbelievable! But, accepting my share of the fault. I patched things up. And he texted me all through his trip, late into the night until he got home.

The day after, it was my birthday, and as I woke up, opened social media.

Immediately before my eyes, two pictures came up. One of him posing with the 22 year old, and the other, the two of them sharing wine and pizza by the sea at like 11 at night.

I didn’t want to have to break up with him on my birthday…. But that’s exactly what I ended up doing… at work, on my birthday, breaking up with whom I had been sure was to be a soulmate. He begged me not to jump to conclusions, but I m far from stupid.

I unfriended him from one account (she was leaving him comments and kisses which I couldn’t bear to see). But kept Instagram… and he’s still liking my pictures and viewing my stories.

What this all means is beyond my understanding. If he didn’t like me I don’t get why he asked me to meet him at all and on his LAST DAY and why he wanted to keep our relationship going.

Now, despite all the anger, resentment and disappointment, I still actually have feelings for him and miss him A LOT. No idea what to do .

It is very dangerious to get so over vested in a relationship when you are not able to spend quality time physically together.

He is not what you built him up in your head to be. He is also just gaslighting you when you bring up your concerns and redirecting them at you.

But he is who he is. Him having piercing and smoking weed doesn't make him a certain way. He does them because he is that way.

You cannot remove these specific attributes from an individual and expect it to make any change in them.

I have tattoos and piercings. I also wouldn't think twice about smoking weed. Although I haven't renewed it, I was also licensed for pyrotechnics.

However, I am not a manipulative and lying douche.

He does sound like one.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post :) Yes you re right re gaslighting, lying and manipulating, but I just cant wrap my head around how someone could give you so much of his time online and discuss the future with you... only to just treat me like that. Yes he's got tattoos and multiple piercings, weed and pyrotechnics... but I look beyond these things into the character of a person... coz you like a person for who he is not what he does. I just wanted him to be a bit more responsible...or at least faithful I just hope I m able to move on from this

Thank you for taking the time to read my post :) Yes you re right re gaslighting, lying and manipulating, but I just cant wrap my head around how someone could give you so much of his time online and discuss the future with you... only to just treat me like that. Yes he's got tattoos and multiple piercings, weed and pyrotechnics... but I look beyond these things into the character of a person... coz you like a person for who he is not what he does. I just wanted him to be a bit more responsible...or at least faithful I just hope I m able to move on from this

He giving you all his online time was not that much effort as I bet he was not as busy as he lead on.

People do it a lot just to pass the time.

The issue is that him being immature and unfaithful IS who he is.

Our actions are what define us, not our words.

He gave you sweet words but his actions show you EXACTLY the kind of person he is.

You are grieving so much because the person you thought he was never existed. That person has been on your mind for way too long, and worst of all, he isn't real.

Your mind has warped your reality as it pertains to him.

I am curious how this crush like infatuation was during your marriage?

Do you tend to overly fixate on fantasies?

Yes, I guess Im grieving coz I still remember him from when we were kids and he was always really nice... figured a person's character stays the same. Boy how wrong I was!

No, i was never fixated on him... i just thought of him when I knew Ill be seeing him every summer... its that romantic idea of first love which stays with you forever. Dont know if you ve had a childhood sweetheart, but its something which to me remains special

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