Probably not interested guy number eleventynine

Another Tinder connection. He came to my show a few weeks ago, he was cute in person so I invited him out again, somewhere we could have a conversation. At the end of that night I dropped him home and he said "let me know if there are any cool bands playing" which was met with a "sure" by me, but also "you could also invite me out". He said something about Saturday, and waited till Saturday to confirm it. Still I took that as a him making an effort and reciprocating interest and invited him out again that week. We got intimate, after which he wasn't huggy at all which made me seriously question his interest. I used my words and asked him to be the person to organise the next catch up.

He waited until Friday to ask not if I wanted to see him but what good bands are on. I gave him some suggestions, we caught up and went to see some music. When I was face to face I asked him if we were headed for friend zone or dating zone, and definitely not hook up zone cos I hate that place and he responded, friends, dating, either, both. I suppose more data required. He tagged along with me when I had to go and mix a band and I dropped him home. He didn't invite me in, hug good bye but no kiss. And again him saying "let me know when there's bands on" and me saying " sure, but also if you just want to catch up with 1a1a feel free to invite me". He made some noises about mid week catch up. We didn't speak again, although I saw something I thought would amuse him tonight and sent a photo. Got a reply, but no how are you, and no firming of plans.

One of my friends says I need to get better with the casual beginnings of dating, another says people always do what they want, their actions will line up with their subconscious desires. So, this guy, at least on a subconscious level, has felt no interest in reengaging with me since Saturday night or locking me down for another date. Which, I suppose doesn't automatically exclude him from being interested in dating me but I guess I really want and would benefit from someone who makes their interest clear (or is it too early for me to expect that from him?)

Where do you all draw the line and chuck ''em back in the sea?

I've been doing mindfullness exercises.

And looking for more matches, on bumble this time, Tinder's been consistent in throwing up these not interested enough guys

Edit to add: Every other guy that's made me feel like this, and the list is growing, I've managed to get over every one, now my expectations are low, some of them still engage with me sometimes on a friend level and that's enjoyable. I want to get there with this guy. Well. really, I want romance, but since he apparently doesn't, I want to get a place where my expectations line up with reality. But I also feel a bit of cognitive distortion creeping in along the lines of every guy that attracts me is gonna be like this, I'm never going to have reciprocal love with someone again.

I can identify it as a cognitive distortion but it doesn't take the teeth out of the sadness

I can emphasize, I have been there numerous times. I guess you give up when you realize in your gut affection is one sided. I know Bumble is much better then tinder! I am biased as I now met my current boyfriend off of that site. You'll have reciprocal love as cliche as it sounds, when you least expect it. I won't say when the time is right because my timing isn't right when I found my guy. I mean nowhere in my life am I ready but somehow there he is.

Just don't give up because there will be someone who returns your affection.

He came to my show a few weeks ago, he was cute in person so I invited him out again, somewhere we could have a conversation.

The beginnings of meetings are very telling. You say that he came to your show, so does that mean you perform, and he came to watch? Which means you didn't really have a conversation, so you invited him out again?

In the beginning, sure, show interest, but let the guy lead a little bit, so that there's interest on both sides. This will help you not waste your time on guys who only want hookups, or who are only seeing you out of boredom, with a dozen other matches to meet.

Here's a great way to have handled this particular one a bit differently: Once you matched on Tinder, keep up with the pace of his messages (I'm sure you did). Let him ask to meet you (not sure you did this). If he asks, accept, and.....this is important....wait for him to pick a place. Don't say, "I play in a band, come see my show". Even if he asks. That's not a great place for a first meet.

So, on to meeting again possibly: Again, gauge his interest by showing your interest. Note: I am not suggesting playing coy, or hard-to-get. Look him in the eyes while you talk, flirt a little, touch him, you know the drill. See if he asks to see you again! If he doesn't, and you're sure you still want to, then casually say something about how you'd enjoy getting together again. Give him bait. See if he takes the bait. If he doesn't, that's when you know.

If you want someone whose goal is to date longterm instead of hookups, don't go to each others homes for at least the first 4 dates, as you end up having sex too soon before you see what effort or lack of effort a man is showing. If a man is searching for a woman to date longterm, he will be asking for dates to get to know you and be patient about the intimacy.

It's not uncommon to to have to date a boatload of men on OLD before finding one where you both match in all the major ways. I'd suggest expanding to meetups.com if they have any good ones in your area.

The beginnings of meetings are very telling. You say that he came to your show, so does that mean you perform, and he came to watch? Which means you didn't really have a conversation, so you invited him out again?

 

In the beginning, sure, show interest, but let the guy lead a little bit, so that there's interest on both sides. This will help you not waste your time on guys who only want hookups, or who are only seeing you out of boredom, with a dozen other matches to meet.

 

Here's a great way to have handled this particular one a bit differently: Once you matched on Tinder, keep up with the pace of his messages (I'm sure you did). Let him ask to meet you (not sure you did this). If he asks, accept, and.....this is important....wait for him to pick a place. Don't say, "I play in a band, come see my show". Even if he asks. That's not a great place for a first meet.

 

So, on to meeting again possibly: Again, gauge his interest by showing your interest. Note: I am not suggesting playing coy, or hard-to-get. Look him in the eyes while you talk, flirt a little, touch him, you know the drill. See if he asks to see you again! If he doesn't, and you're sure you still want to, then casually say something about how you'd enjoy getting together again. Give him bait. See if he takes the bait. If he doesn't, that's when you know.

Inviting him was an off the cuff thought on my behalf. Gigs are indeed not great for conversing which is why I initiated a second date. I'm increasingly coming to think me being proactive with invites is as good as literally shooting myself in the foot though. Having said that the amount of guys who have asked Me out in 2 and a half years is 1, and he was a OLD veteran who had learnt not to waste time with chit chat, we didn't hit it off.

Thank you for the alternate way it could play out. I may as well try that with the next guy, my approach isn't working.

Ahhhh Andrina, we were on date four by the time we got intimate and all of them had been out and about and one catch up he had initiated (insufficient initiating, clearly wishful thinking took over at this point, and I wandered into his house willingly, apparently I need to get burnt more times to learn this lesson)

I keep looking at my local meet ups but they are depressingly generic (people who like dining, people who like walking) and there'll be like 8 RSVPs and I can see from their profiles they're probably none of them dating potential, it really would just be going to talk to people. I followed through and took up a social hobby too, hiphop dancing (fun, but no cute guys). Despair lurks close by

I think whenever there is this much analysis this early you have to step back and go: this just isn't clicking, which, well, is how dating works. Is it because you need to get "better" at the casual beginnings, more accepting that people do what they want, or stall having sex until at least the 4th date? There's wisdom in all that sure, but really there's no rules. Dating is basically a trip to the casino: sometimes it clicks, sometimes it doesn't. The best you can do is be clear with your intentions—to yourself, to another—and then be honest with whether you're getting enough from the other person to feel more excited than anxious.

I agree with LHGirl's post.

I also agree with your friends who told you you need a different approach.

1a1a jmo but you came off quite heavy-handed with this guy, essentially telling him to ask you out. You did this a few times!

What also stood out to me was after you had sex, you posted no hugs and he seemed cold to you.

When a guy becomes cold, especially after sex, that is *not* the time to be telling him to set up the next date!

You leave him alone and if he is still interested, he will ask you out again.

When a man is interested in you, he will ask you out and plan the date all on his own, he doesn't need you to tell him to.

Or suggest to him that HE should be the one to set up the next date.

That comes off as heavy-handed and pushy (to me) and he may have interpreted it that way too and it turned him off.

Not sure if this is your standard MO with guys - if so it may be why they lose interest or things fizzle out.

Best to relax and as LHGirl said, trust that if they are interested, they will ask you out, again they don't need you to tell them to.

Let him lead in these very early stages.

If he's doing that and displaying consistent interest through his actions, certainly you can reciprocate and plan the next date too.

I personally believe that even finding someone who wants a relationship that is inline with my idea of a relationship is pretty rare, much less is compatible with me.

It takes a lot of looking, and every time you settle, even though you have alarm bells going off in your head, you are just wasting time.

Don't worry about how many guys you have to sift through to find one who might work. It is much better than getting bogged down with these distractions.

When I was pursuing my wife she straight up told me that if I was looking for anything other than a real and committed relationship then don't waste her time.

Simple and to the point, and I reassured her that that was exactly my intent.

So many people don't want a committed relationship a d they use ambiguity like a weapon to get what they want.

Don't settle for someone's horsesh*t excuses like that if that is not what you want.

If you are wanting something and someone starts spouting off crap like "I don't want labels" or "I'm not really sure" just keep on looking.

You told him what you were looking for and left it at that then he gave you an extremely ambiguous response.

That isn't a sign that he understand what you want and is in accordance. It is a sign that he doesn't want to answer your question because that is not what he wants. But what he does want he thinks he can still get from you.

I think having a relationship talk on the 2-3. Its great to talk about "what i am looking for" but to ask "what are we or where are we headed" is a big alarm for a lot of guys. I would follow LH Girl's advice - and don't sleep with someone. Also figure out what YOU are looking for and be clear on that with yourself rather than to ask a guy if you are friends, a hookup or dating. Heck, i would give an ambiguous answer after 2 dates if i was pressed "i went out on two dates with you so obviously don't know if you are the love of my life yet" honestly. DOn't ask about how they see "the relationshiP" be clear on what you want and see if it matches up. Ask "are you looking to date to find a girlfriend or are you just looking to go out on dates with different women to just get out there.."

Let me share what I do and how and when I toss them back.

If meeting via OLD, I have zero patience for extended chit chat, so if after a few e-mails the guy isn't asking to meet, I will. By that I mean that I will simply send something brief like, "enjoying talking with you, would love to continue this in person." If he is interested in meeting, he'll jump on the bait and plan a date or a coffee meet and greet. If he doesn't, I'll toss him back into the pond right there and then. Absolutely no more chit chat after that.

First date or meet and greet, I'm not focusing on if he likes me, I'm focusing on whether I like him - is he who I would want, do I see any red flags or deal breakers, etc. It's a heavy weed out type of date. So before I worry if he is interested, I need to decide if I am interested in seeing him again. If not, toss him back regardless of what he wants or what he does. It's not relevant because I don't want him. If I do want to see him again, then it is a wait and see on what he wants. Meaning, that I'll leave it on him not only to reach out to me first after the date, but also to arrange the next date. If I don't hear from him at all within three days, I'll write him off completely even if he reaches out later on. He already showed that his interest is too lukewarm and I don't need to waste time on that. If he doesn't nail down the next date within reasonable time for the following weekend, toss him back. If the guy waits until Thursday night or Friday to arrange a date for Friday night, I'd seriously have to laugh at that and definitely toss him back. He is presuming I have no other options and he is seriously wrong and if he is just a last minute kind of a guy, that won't work for me either, so no reason to even try here either way.

Another thing too is pay attention to when he is arranging dates with you. If it seems to be always on weekdays, you have to wonder who he is reserving prime date time to. Obviously not you, so toss him back. Only exception to that would reasons like he works those nights or has some event to attend that he told you about. If he seems to be mysteriously busy those night for no specific reason, understand that you are option B or C and toss him back. Never ever get into playing the pick me dance.

Early on, I won't jump into insta relationship type behavior and won't see him more than once a week. In between dates, contact every other day, every few days is good enough when you just start out getting to know each other. Maintain light contact and save the rest for face to face. It's more about going out, having fun and observing the other person, what they are like, what they like or dislike, sense of humor, attitudes, beliefs, etc, etc, etc. It's a learning mission of sorts. If you click, you click and it tends to be naturally easy and fun. Doesn't feel like an effort. If you feel like you have to push, pull, organize, contact him, tell him what to do, suggest he arranges dates - toss him back. You are trying too hard to force him into dating you.

In terms of reciprocation. When interested, I'll be sure to respond promptly. After two or three dates, I'll offer to organize the next one. Personal experience is that most guys will insist on taking the lead and organizing the first three dates before they'll go along with you organizing the next one. After that, you kind start evening things out and either making mutual decisions or going back and forth on who does what and what comes up that's interesting to do, etc. You kind of grow into dating and wanting to see each other more as your interest grows OR you fall off as interest disappears.

Other than that, don't take strange men home and don't go to their house either. Date, get to know each other as people first, figure out compatibility, then get intimate if all else is working.

If I don't hear from him at all within three days

You were being way too assertive and proactive at the start. You offered no allure and essentially took the role of the man off him by asking him out repeatedly and even dropping him home? (I reserve dropping off at home for good friends and actual people I'm in a relationship with).

I only sleep with the people I get into relationships with, but you don't need to do that. You should at least have a few more dates and determine where it's headed first.

Also him being so last minute with plans suggests lack of actual interest, but hey, of course he'd sleep with you since it was blatantly clear you were really into him.

Next time pull wayyy back and let a guy initiate.

I think having a relationship talk on the 2-3. Its great to talk about "what i am looking for" but to ask "what are we or where are we headed" is a big alarm for a lot of guys. I would follow LH Girl's advice - and don't sleep with someone. Also figure out what YOU are looking for and be clear on that with yourself rather than to ask a guy if you are friends, a hookup or dating. Heck, i would give an ambiguous answer after 2 dates if i was pressed "i went out on two dates with you so obviously don't know if you are the love of my life yet" honestly. DOn't ask about how they see "the relationshiP" be clear on what you want and see if it matches up. Ask "are you looking to date to find a girlfriend or are you just looking to go out on dates with different women to just get out there.."

I did think that I did ask what he was looking for, before we got intimate, he said he hadn’t really been dating anyone for the last 6 months until me, and that he’d be interested in a relationship with someone he clicks with. Him going days without talking t me after definitely rattled me. WHen Is it ok to seek clarification?

 

Not sure if this is your standard MO with guys - if so it may be why they lose interest or things fizzle out.

 

With the last guy I did the exact opposite, left him alone and have him space and he didn’t get in touch and mixed in with the dismay and the hopefulness what ‘what if he thinks I vanished.’ I wanted to not drop off the map without explanation

Reading everyone’s replies and taking it in, thank you all.

He’ll reply to chit chat messages but has expressed zero interest in reengaging so yep, not looking for the same things.

I have to fight the urge to go zero to 100 and I’ve been doing that but the glacial pace at which guys go (assuming that they were at least entertaining the idea of getting to know me romantically) massively triggers anxiety for me, it looks just the same as not interested (and yep, for the love of all things good 1a1a hold off on sex so the stakes can be lower)

I think having a relationship talk on the 2-3. Its great to talk about "what i am looking for" but to ask "what are we or where are we headed" is a big alarm for a lot of guys. I would follow LH Girl's advice - and don't sleep with someone. Also figure out what YOU are looking for and be clear on that with yourself rather than to ask a guy if you are friends, a hookup or dating. Heck, i would give an ambiguous answer after 2 dates if i was pressed "i went out on two dates with you so obviously don't know if you are the love of my life yet" honestly. DOn't ask about how they see "the relationshiP" be clear on what you want and see if it matches up. Ask "are you looking to date to find a girlfriend or are you just looking to go out on dates with different women to just get out there.."

I did think that I did ask what he was looking for, before we got intimate, he said he hadn’t really been dating anyone for the last 6 months until me, and that he’d be interested in a relationship with someone he clicks with. Him going days without talking t me after definitely rattled me. WHen Is it ok to seek clarification?

 

Not sure if this is your standard MO with guys - if so it may be why they lose interest or things fizzle out.

 

With the last guy I did the exact opposite, left him alone and have him space and he didn’t get in touch and mixed in with the dismay and the hopefulness what ‘what if he thinks I vanished.’ I wanted to not drop off the map without explanation

Reading everyone’s replies and taking it in, thank you all.

He’ll reply to chit chat messages but has expressed zero interest in reengaging so yep, not looking for the same things.

I have to fight the urge to go zero to 100 and I’ve been doing that but the glacial pace at which guys go (assuming that they were at least entertaining the idea of getting to know me romantically) massively triggers anxiety for me, it looks just the same as not interested (and yep, for the love of all things good 1a1a hold off on sex so the stakes can be lower)