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Communication and sex during break


Hollym

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My BF and I were in a strong relationship for four years and then he decided he needed to take a "breaK" while we were on opposite sides of the country for work and school. Distance was just too much for him and making him depressed, even though he was clear that he still loved me and wanted to get back together when we could be in the same place. Fast forward a couple years and I'm finally able to move to him because of a change in work, but found out he has slept with other people. At the start of the break, we agreed that we could see other people, but also intended to only talk once in a great while. We ended up chatting a lot, like almost every day because we still have such strong feelings for each other, and during that time, he was with someone else and didn't mention it. Just found out after asking and don't know how to feel. We were on a break and there was miscommunication on this, but it feels wrong to be talking to someone you love and want to get back together with and having something on the side simultaneously. We both still care deeply about each other and want to get back together. How would you all feel about this?

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You weren't on a "break" for multiple years. You broke up and chose to continue communicating. He didn't cheat on you by sleeping with others, and I'm surprised that you expected he would stay celibate after expressing he couldn't handle a long-distance commitment. It's up to you to decide if him sleeping with others is a deal-breaker or not. If you intend to make him your life partner, also consider that he may respond to forced distance in a similar way in the future.

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You were on a break lasting a couple years?

 

OP, it sounds like he broke up with you and you misunderstood that. You also both established that seeing other people would be alright. So, he went ahead and did so. Yes, he could have been more transparent but it seems you were on totally different pages throughout the last couple years. What do you mean there was a miscommunication about the break, anyway?

 

Whether that was because he was actually telling you he wanted to get back together or because you misinterpreted his intentions, there were crossed wires somewhere. In theory, it sounds like he was exploring other options because he didn't know if you two would ever close the distance. In my mind, he wasn't as committed to reconciliation as you were but he also wasn't cheating or doing something he said he wouldn't. He never promised you fidelity, as I understand it. Are you actually back together now?

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MissCanuck, thanks for your thoughts. Yeah, it was a couple years because we could not be in the same location with our school and career commitments. At the break, he said his feelings for me hadn't changed a bit, that he still loved me, and wanted to get back together when we could be in the same city. He has always had a difficult time dealing with distance and it was making him depressed because he missed me. We've reminded each other of our continuing feelings periodically over the past couple years and recently just confirmed again that we want to be together long term. It was a miscommunication because we didn't directly establish how much contact we'd have and how contact would relate to seeing other people. And he didn't realize that I would feel tied to him if we had a lot of contact. I'm having a hard time because I feel deceived knowing that he was seeing someone else when we were chatting all the time / more than initially expected, and telling each other how much we cared about the other. I just assumed there was an unspoken agreement there cuz I would have felt terrible if I had done that myself, but maybe my head was just in the wrong place I don't know. The whole thing is making me question why he wanted to take a break to begin with, but I've never had anything but trust. This is the guy I want to be with for the long run, but this whole thing is throwing me for a loop.

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DanZee, for the past year to year and a half, we've been talking a lot. Saw him just a few weeks ago for a week and once before that. Just like old times, the only difficulty being the uncertainty of when and where we'll be back together.

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Unfortunately, that unspoken agreement you assumed you had was incorrect.

 

I don't think he did anything wrong, per se, but rather that the lack of real communication about your status was quite a serious one. Logic says he would be more transparent in letting you know he was seeing someone else if he also sensed that you believed you were working through this, but at the same time - you both agreed you could see others.

 

I think his reasons for wanting to break up were sincere. The distance was too hard and he wanted to date locally. Whether or not he already had someone in mind is debatable, but I also don't think it was realistic to believe he'd stay totally single and not be intimate with anyone else if he was the one who broke it off.

 

If you are moving to his area anyway, you two need to sit down and talk very honestly about how you both feel now. If you don't feel you can accept that he dated and slept with other people while you two were broken up - which is your prerogative - then it's time to close the door on this for good.

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I don't like the fact that he was having an emotional affair with you while dating someone else. If he was honest about the breakup and dating her he should have been honest with you about when he was seeing someone. And he should have initiated fading away from your communications. It kind of sounds like he wanted to keep you on the back burner while dating others. Probably just emotional immaturity, but it's not a great look.

 

When you say "we ended up chatting a lot" what does that look like? Were you calling him often? Was he calling you often? Was your chatting more friendly, or more like you hadn't really broken up?

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Unfortunately you are on different wavelengths. He broke up and dated others but you thought it was a LDR with just a 'break' until you moved to him. At this point it sounds like you are fwb, not back together. He didn't have you "on the side", he just kept communicating after the breakup because you allowed it.

We both still care deeply about each other and want to get back together.
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