The end is in sight...

Separated from my ex over 2.5 years ago... we were together for 15 years, married for 10... he decided he wanted to end the marriage in the fall before we separated... didn't want to get counselling, work on it, etc. Anyone following my saga probably knows this already.

The first year I was reeling... heart broken, crazy, flinging myself all over the place, over and under guys.... as a serial monogamist I had never "dated" or had affairs and wanted to have as many as I could! Safely of course. In that time my ex met and bought a house with a new woman... I was devastated and felt like a failure, worthless, like everything he had ever said about how terrible I was to be around was true. So desperate and lonely.

The second year I was healing, felt more "normal"... because he was with someone else I kept expecting him to initiate divorce proceedings, but it never happened. I was dreading going through it because my wounds were still so open and raw.

The third year (beginning of the this year, like literally January 1) I decided that I needed to pull the band aid off and make the divorce happen. There was never any chance of me going back, but I was too scared to initiate before... I don't know if anyone else has ever felt that way?

So I initiated the divorce conversation, like hey we need to get this going... he was in agreement but not very helpful when it came to figuring out how to do it. That being said, after a long process and paperwork, I am finally at the end of the process. We will meet this week to take the papers to the courthouse and sign them over. Since it's an uncontested divorce, we just drop the papers off at the registry, pay the fee and that's it.

All this time I realize I wasn't ready until now. I feel on the one hand excited that it will be finally over... I am so done having to rely on this guy for anything... he was of absolutely no help in getting this all sorted and this is pretty par for the course with him... and since he has moved back to my community he has made an idiot of himself more than once... one of the many reasons I am glad we are over...

That being said, it's the end of an era and I have no idea how I will feel once the papers have been dropped off. My friends suggested I bring someone with me to do the drop off, and one of my friends offered to come so I think I will take her up on that. I guess I will be sad? Angry? Happy? Relieved? no idea, I will be ready for anything.

I think having a friend there is a great idea. And then maybe plan something for yourself. Go out to eat. Schedule a massage. Buy a new dress. Get your nails done. Go to a therapy session. Make this a rite of passage for yourself that is full of healing and validating activities. Then treat yourself to a nice night watching a movie and going to bed early. Take a walk at the park the next day or drive somewhere where it's beautiful. You get the idea. Also remember... You've already done the heavy lifting of grieving, here. The day is just the buttoning up of it. You will continue to process and heal your emotions on a daily basis over time. But you don't have to start over.

I'm sure you will feel a ton of different feelings. But I think it's great that you've taken this step.