My Knight in Shining Armour

I met him almost a year ago online. He reached out to me first and the Communication was awesome. After a little over two weeks we decided to finally meet. He lives two hours away for me and I decided that I would be the first to drive to him so that I would have the control over whether or not I wanted to leave. The day came and I drove the 2 Hour drive to meet him. My first impression of him was that he was overweight but very attractive. He seemed somewhat reserved but once we cut through the ice there was a instant connection. He was the first to say I love you and he was also the first to tell me that he’s never felt like this for any other woman. After a few more months we decided to introduce our children which are teenagers and they got along splendidly. Then shortly after that he introduced me to his mom and his extended closer family. He has yet to meet any of my family as none of them are in state. He and I have discussed marriage but I am not in a hurry to remarry as I was married for quite a while was cheated on, and divorced only less than two years ago. No as I’ve said in my past posts please don’t judge the relationship or my situation because my marriage was level is for a very long time and we were very toxic to one another so even though my husband had cheated on me it was the best thing that has ever happened to me and it did not take me long to move on with my life. My boyfriend gives me everything I need emotionally that I could ever want in a relationship. He He fulfills me in ways I never knew were possible and he is always very attentive in making sure that I feel loved and wanted. But lately I have been having doubts and cannot bring myself to discuss these doubts with him. I know that it’s wrong but most of my doubts may not be warranted. I don’t know. First off, he’s overweight by quite a lot and alrhough he does keep up with me and wants to do the same things I do, he often pays the price for it the next day with aches, pains or issues. Also, he’s quite introverted where I’m more extroverted. It’s not a dealbreaker but sometimes I would prefer to go out together than just me out with my friends alone. But even when he does go out, he’s very quiet and doesn’t interact or say much so most of my friends think he’s either a jerk or just not into them. That couldn’t be further fr the truth. Also, he is super sensitive. I have to be mindful at times, about what I say because if I say it wrong he gets really hurt and then we spend about 20 minutes sorting through the feelings and the meaning. It doesn’t happen a lot but when it does it’s very frustrating. I also recognize that he’s not very motivated. I’m not saying he’s lazy because he’s a hard worker when it comes to his job but as far as doing things around the house Or yardwork etc. he says he will do it yet I’ve never really seen him do anything other than laundry and dishes. He isn’t very manly, if you Know what I mean. I hate to say that he doesn’t have a backbone but he’s always about keeping the peace and although there’s nothing wrong with that sometimes I wonder if he would ever have my back if I really needed him too. To make matters worse, and caused me to question things even more an old flame has recently reached out to me. Over a year ago I broke it off with him because I wasn’t in the place for a relationship but in the last few months he has been texting me and we somewhat reconnected in a friendly way. I am ready to tell him to take a hike because I feel my friendship with him is imposing on my relationship and causing me question all of these things. However, I’m really not sure if it’s because my boyfriend truly isn’t the one for me after all or I wouldn’t be questioning it. I just don’t know. My boyfriend has so many amazing qualities and I know he loves me unconditionally. I suppose I should do the same but in every relationship we make a list of what we would like and somethings are dealbreaker‘s. Now don’t get me wrong, nothing that he does is truly a dealbreaker for me But things have been questioned lately as to whether I should just fly free for a little while to decide what I want in my life or if I should truly commit and focus on the future with only him. I’m pretty confused and torn up about this because I know I love him but my inexperience in love is confusing. What are your thoughts.

Why not fully focus on him and this relationship (I.e., commit to it...) for a few months? Without the distraction of the ex old flame. This will allow you to clear your head and see if his unconditional love for you ends up sweeping you off your feet. I have read it's very normal to go through this period of questioning everything once you are through the initial butterflies and newness. Check out John Gray's book "Mars and Venus on a Date."

You and this man are completely incompatible. He is introverted, shy, sensitive, likes to be more at home. He should be with someone who wants the same things.

You talk horribly about him..do you even realize that? He's not manly enough?!? Wow...worst thing to say about a man,ever. And then to talk about him like he's a dead weight cause you'd rather be out with your friends and not have him around cause he's too quiet.

I am reading all of it (and by the way, paragraphs would be nice as it's very difficult to read) but I am thinking, "this poor man, he needs to be with someone who loves everything about him, not is criticized constantly in secret."

Do yourself and favor and him a favor and move on. You will end up resenting him more and more as time goes by and truthfully, everything you mentioned about him aren't even faults, their personality traits (and they aren't bad at all), they just aren't compatible with you.

You and this man are completely incompatible. He is introverted, shy, sensitive, likes to be more at home. He should be with someone who wants the same things.

 

You talk horribly about him..do you even realize that? He's not manly enough?!? Wow...worst thing to say about a man,ever. And then to talk about him like he's a dead weight cause you'd rather be out with your friends and not have him around cause he's too quiet.

 

I am reading all of it (and by the way, paragraphs would be nice as it's very difficult to read) but I am thinking, "this poor man, he needs to be with someone who loves everything about him, not is criticized constantly in secret."

 

Do yourself and favor and him a favor and move on. You will end up resenting him more and more as time goes by and truthfully, everything you mentioned about him aren't even faults, their personality traits (and they aren't bad at all), they just aren't compatible with you.

I don't disagree with Sherry, here. But perhaps if you are conflicted, giving it a little time without interference would make it clearer either way.

Well, you posted this question in a little different form about 5 days ago here:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552350

I noticed you left out the part where he hasn't been interested in sex for the last 6 months and he's been stressed out all the time. And now that you've gone into more details, he's coming off as clingy and needy which you interpret as loving and attentive. He may have told you he loved you first to try to capture your emotions. You haven't actually said here whether you love him or not. You've also gone into some more background about him that is even more negative. Also when you say he's "super sensitive" and you describe these pointless arguments you have with him, he seems a bit controlling and manipulative. Since you only see him on weekends because he lives 2 hours away, I think there would be more negatives piling up if you were with him more. And I don't really see these "amazing qualities" you talk about. I would think not being able to have sex with you is a deal breaker.

So now you add that someone from your past has popped up. You haven't described him and you haven't talked about whether you like him, but I think you owe it to yourself for a normal relationship to at least explore the possibility of a relationship with him. You shouldn't just stay with your boyfriend because you might hurt him by breaking up with him. It sounds like he's on a downward path and breaking up with him might wake him up and make him get healthy.

Yes, definitely more information spells out in huge letters that this relationship is not healthy nor is it going to work.

Thanks everyone for your candid responses. First, my apologies for the run-on paragraphs, I was using talk to text and just let my emotions run wild.

I imagine that it may seem I’m disrespecting him or discounting him because of some of my comments but in all truth, I do love and adore him I just don’t know how to communicate with him about what I am feeling.

It’s possible for opposites to find happiness. And let me be clear, I don’t consider him deadweight nor would I rather be out with my friends. What I said or what was meant in that comment was I want to share each moment out with him but he is disinterested or when he comes along, he does not interact and I do not want him to feel uncomfortable nor do i want him to be unhappy.

I do care for him and I do want to share a future with him, I am just confused about what I’m feeling. I’ve never been in love before. I thought I was when I was married to my exe but I quickly found we were truly incompatible and we were both unhappy.

I will continue to say he is an amazing man- I am not confused about that. And I am not mean person but searching for answers as a person who was married for over 20 years, and never truly had any other relationships.

Just a thought

Thank you. :(

I suppose i should ask what is healthy? Seriously.

I came to this forum for guidance. I have only had one relationship in my 40+ years of life. And now him. I came here with all transparency but also naive under all conditions and just hoped for some direction.