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Thread: I was a rebound, and now Iím putting the blame on myself for it not working out.

  1. #1
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    I was a rebound, and now Iím putting the blame on myself for it not working out.

    Situation described in detail in another post. Iíve cut contact with the girl for about a month and a half now. Iíve been handling it pretty well for the most part, but lately Iíve been back to putting the blame on myself. I think about what I couldíve done to make things work out. I feel like a loser, like Iím a boring person or something simply because she started fading out of my life.

    If you are someoneís rebound, is it ever your fault that it doesnít work out? And how do I combat these negative thoughts?

    I know I have flaws that I can work on. I lacked confidence a lot of the time throughout spending time with her (at least in my mind), so that is definitely something to look at and improve.

  2. #2
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    When you're truly someone's rebound, the relationship almost always has a short life-span. Sure, there are things that might expedite or delay the ending, but it was coming sooner or later anyway.

    This doesn't mean you don't have things to work on to improve your relationship skills, but rather that those things weren't going to make a lot of difference in your case. Save them for someone who is equally as committed and ready as you are.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    When you're truly someone's rebound, the relationship almost always has a short life-span. Sure, there are things that might expedite or delay the ending, but it was coming sooner or later anyway.

    This doesn't mean you don't have things to work on to improve your relationship skills, but rather that those things weren't going to make a lot of difference in your case. Save them for someone who is equally as committed and ready as you are.
    Agree with the above.

    You're relationship had an expiration date before it started, rebounds usually do. But it's probably going to be beneficial to look into why you willingly entered a rebound relationship to begin with.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The blame should be for getting involved in such an obvious rebound situation in the first place. She was one month out of a 4 year relationship, so yes, rebound, yes total expiration date before you even started. This had absolutely zero chance for being anything other than a short lived fling. There is nothing wrong in getting involved IF all you are looking for is some short lived fun, but if you are going to get attached and expect/want more, you really need to sit down with yourself and ask why did you choose to waste your time on an obvious time wasting situation.

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  6. #5
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    The only blame for you would be not being able to realize the relationship was a rebound or you knew it willingly entered into the relationship and than expecting more. Other than that no. Some people do not know that they are the rebound because the person may hide it well, however it all eventually comes out later which could be a bit late at that point. The person who hid the fact that you are the rebound really have zero respects for you and you should not give 2 F*** about that person either.

    If the person in question told you that you were a rebound than you really should of just walked away or be cautious at all times during the relationship but at least that person told you that you were a rebound before the relationship happened and really it was going to end sooner than later. However in the case of number 1. yea i would treat them as if they were dead.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Stop worrying about whose fault it was, and focus on accountability. You entered the relationship knowing that she likely had not grieved or dealt with the baggage from her long-term relationship. If there were any other negative behaviors on your part, accept responsibility for them, but then let her own her part.

    Telling yourself that you're a loser and not good enough will keep you trapped in a cycle of blame and shame that will not only prevent you from moving on, but will also seep into future relationships. Take a time out to work through why you have a tendency to tear yourself down after breakups. It's not a healthy response to a relationshup ending, and is likely the culprit for why you're currently struggling.

    Oh, and do yourself a favor and do not leave yourself open for the girl to return. Yo-yo relationships are typically toxic and are especially damaging for people who have low self-esteem.

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    Yeah I shouldíve not gotten involved with her. I donít have a ton of experience dating, so honestly when she started showing interest, I barely thought about myself being a rebound. I was just excited that she was into me.

    Now Iíve learned my lesson. I wonít make the same mistake again. Thank you all for your replies!

  9. 07-16-2018, 01:27 PM

  10. #8
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    Blame is irrelevant.

    That relationship is finished.

    Work on yourself, for yourself.

    Then you will be a better person for your next relationship, down the track in (many) months' time.

    That new relationship might happen to have your ex in it, if you re-attract her, but it will be a new one, not the rebound that failed.

  11. #9
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    Originally Posted by ArchieAnon
    Situation described in detail in another post. Iíve cut contact with the girl for about a month and a half now. Iíve been handling it pretty well for the most part, but lately Iíve been back to putting the blame on myself. I think about what I couldíve done to make things work out. I feel like a loser, like Iím a boring person or something simply because she started fading out of my life.

    If you are someoneís rebound, is it ever your fault that it doesnít work out? And how do I combat these negative thoughts?

    I know I have flaws that I can work on. I lacked confidence a lot of the time throughout spending time with her (at least in my mind), so that is definitely something to look at and improve.
    If you have things about yourself that you don't like, feel free to work on them. But you do yourself a disservice to beat yourself up about something you can never know the answer to. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. If it ends because one party simply is not in love with the other, no amount of doing things differently could have helped. She didn't love you for who you are. Work on your flaws, sure, but the one you want to be with is the one who loves you in spite of them, or even because of them.


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