First lesbian breakup always hurt like that?

My first lesbian heartbreak story.

I think I’m having the toughest time in my life right now. I have been always straight for 23 years, and all of a sudden she came into my life. She is hot, beautiful, experienced, she is one year younger than me. She was very persistent first time. I got scared, because I have never been with a girl before and it’s a totally new feeling for me. I told her I need to figure everything out, I felt like she loved me or I don’t know, whether it was just lust. She said she was gonna destroy my life, my job, because I was playing mind games with her, but I didn’t! I was really confused and lost. I needed help to figure out what I wanted, she knew what she wanted and she got me... We broke up multiple times, I was an initiator. The second time, she just threw my phone away, because I was trying to talk to my old friend back in the country in front of her. I told her I didn’t want that crazy person in my life. Then she said she would be so devastated if I leave her. We got back together. And here, when everything went wrong ... she got distant from me. A week after I got a call from in the middle of the night, she was crying and said she can’t take it anymore, she just wanted to let me know that she loves me, then she hang up. I couldn’t sleep that night, I tired to call her thousand times, I was really worried about her. The next day she said she was suicidal. I told her I could help her to fix that, to make her happy. But she even got more distant from me, the first days she always wanted to see me, but after that she cooled down. She barely texted me or called. That moment I knew, I fell in love with her, really bad ... I told her that, I told her everything, and she said, that she had to take her life to make me fall for her. I feel like she was making it worse. I tried to be there for her, but I didn’t feel that she was there for me. She blamed it on her medication she was taking for depression. But I felt like I was a pawn in her game and she just got over me. One day, we were supposed to meet, she texted me that she is going to be home soon, I drove to her house at 1 am, I called her, her friend picked the phone up and said that she was too drunk to talk, then she talked to me, mumbling something and hang up. I was so mad and broken. I texted her that night that I’m really over it, the next day she came to my place and once again, said that she is on medication, that I don’t act like a gf, that I wasn’t there for her. I accepted everything she said, I told her I will be better and I will fix it, she said she was giving me the last chance. But then, everything was the same, I felt emptiness, she barely texted me, she said she is done chasing me and now I have to chase her. I started doing it and still get the feeling of being nobody to her back.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I broke up with her for the last time, when I got tipsy. I wrote her a message, that I’m really tired of being with someone, who doesn’t even need me. She was mad over the fact that I broke up with her, she said I’m like the rest and one day she will find her happiness, that would understand her. Her words destroyed me. The next day I felt really bad, I ordered her food home. I said that I was sorry for what happened. But she wasn’t mine anymore...

Still, when we weren’t together, and I posted something on Instagram with my co worker, the guy I slept with a long time ago, she would call me and said that she is so over it. I said to her ... I wanted to fix things, but she left me feeling so empty ever time, like she wasn’t there at all. I tried to take her out, meet her, but she had plans with the other people. She told me she met with her co worker to vent, because she could understand her and I can’t, she later told me that she slept with her one time before she met me. She said if I can do the same thing with my co worker then she can too. But I wasn’t hanging out him at all, I was just at his house, when my boss which is his mom had a party going on, I didn’t have anything to do with him. She blamed me for everything, for ruining the relationship. She made me feel really guilty. She said she is moving back to Vegas, where she lived before, because she doesn’t feel happy here. I tried to talk her out of it, I told her I could make her happy if she could give me one more chance, but she said she gave me multiple chances and I screwed up. I was literally begging her to stay, she said she was sorry and she is leaving. I even said I would pay for the money she spent on the place renting and tickets back. But all I got back is emptiness, like nothing. I texted her every single morning, got nothing back. One day I tried to text her from the different number and she replied right back. I knew, she was ignoring me. I tried, but she said I didn’t try hard enough...

A couple of days ago, I posted a snap with my aunt, she thought it was my new gf because of the caption I wrote, she texted me that she hopes that I die, that she got together with the girl she was sleeping with before me, her co worker, and then sent me her photos with that girl. She also said she was going to send me their sex videos. And that I will always be alone. Then I said it was my aunt, she then said that she is moving anyways and her relationship with this girl won’t last long. I told her I’m really happy that she found her happiness, that she is in good hands right now. She said she doesn’t have anybody and she is moving away. I can’t believe she got right into another girl after. I couldn’t do it, out of respect and me feeling really bad after. I miss her, her body, everything about her, she made me feel like i was born again to love and be happy, but then she just took it all away from me. I’m really broken right now, my friends don’t talk to me, because they think I’m too into her and that she doesn’t deserve me to cry over her. The last time I met her was on July, 4. She ended up blaming everything on me again, i tried to tell her not to move, but she said she wants to move away. I really didn’t want to lose her but I have already lost her, she told me if I didn’t break up with her, she wouldn’t move. I feel super guilty now, I feel like I could make things different but I was so stupid and blind. I wanted to meet her again, when she snapchatted me her new gf or whatever pictures, she said she would meet me, I told her to let me know when she will be home, I waited till 5 am in the morning, and got nothing back. She bailed on me again. And I remember the first days, when we just met, I was out with my friends, she was swearing at me, telling me to go home so she could see me, I always ended up seeing her. There was no day I didn’t see her when she wanted to see me. Why she is so heartless? Like she made me feel like she loved me but now I don’t believe it. She told me she is worth more than me treating her like crap. But I never treated her that bad, I never cheated or lied. I was just confused and lost the first days. I’m trying to forget her and let her go, but the other part of me is telling me to fight for her. I wrote her a 2 pages message to thank her for everything. She said she liked it and she said thank you. It’s so hard, I have lost weight, because I couldn’t sleep. Her body, her crazy personality, I can’t get over it.... I barely know her and I fell for her. I can’t concentrate on my college and work. What should I do in this situation? I don’t think there is a point to keep trying to get her back, because she has moved on. But the thought that it was so perfect in the beginning is just killing me inside :(

And we have just dated for 3 months ...

It sounds like you got taken advantage of at a time in your life when you were very vulnerable and scared... by someone that was really chaotic and looking for someone she could manipulate.

I am inclined to think that the feeling of "perfection" was more about the freedom of admitting you were attracted to her... no hiding, no pretending... vs. the actual person.

I think your friends are correct in that it doesn't make a lot of sense for you to be attached to this girl so deeply after 3 months... perhaps you have a deep wound that was triggered by her behavior, or a deep need or longing for a relationship with a woman that she fulfilled... either way it goes beyond her to something more.

If you haven't, consider getting some counselling to explore why you are reacting so strongly to the end of a relationship with a person you barely knew.

Well, your "girlfriend" sounds like she is bipolar, but there's more to the story. She is a complete emotional abuser. She was using her insanity to control you and manipulate you, even emotionally blackmail you by threatening suicide. If you Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" you will see both her (the abuser) and you (as the co-dependent).

There is a high number of abusers within the lesbian community, quite possibly because they grew up in an abusive household or were sexually abused by friends or relatives. On ENA we get many posts like yours about gay partners who are angry, heavily medicated, striking out, depressed, anxious, not able to have or even form stable relationships. Their victims, like you, get caught up in their drama, and the natural instinct is to try to help, much like you tried to help her, but in return you only get emotionally drained, ridiculed, and attacked for your efforts. Just read the drama you suffered in only 3 months of dating! OMG.

Anyways, you've got to escape her clutches. Block her, delete her, erase her. You've got to protect yourself from her. Go total No Contact. Don't read or answer any communication from her. None of it is worth your mental health. She will drive you insane.

Try to learn and heal from this event and move on. You can't help her and she will just leave a path of destruction in her wake. There's nothing you can do but save yourself from her.