Labeling children

So I'm probably more on one end of the spectrum on this but am interested in hearing others reactions. I have an acquaintance, former friend. She is a very intelligent person, highly successful and a wonderful mother to 3 young children. Truth is I've never seen her with her children but I truly believe this from what I know of her. No "but" in what I am about to write. She wrote a long post about her 3 sons, ages baby to 8 years old. On Facebook. It was prompted because her sons are energetic, boisterous and she was around children (sounded like little girls) who sat still for longer, quiet etc.

She proceeded to explain why in comparison she loves her kids' energy and in that explanation labeled each one - like, one was her 'natural born leader" - and I see this often - really good parents label their kids - often in positive or neutral ways -the "shy" one, the "cautious one" , the "naughty one" etc. Another big thing of course is to label who your kids look just like (rather than he looks like himself) and often to go further with "just like his father/mother, Uncle Moe, he always..."

Look some of this is inevitable, but is it really helpful? I don't find it so. I think if you repeat it enough it's a self fulfilling prophecy and even if it's positive it can limit perspectives -so that your "natural born leader" might all of a sudden start being more of a follower and instead of taking it at face value it's then all about comparison "but I don't get it, he always loves to be a leader!

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On the other hand we're told to know our children -so I suppose some of that means we label. I just like to err on the side of treating children as individuals and being open to the unpredictability. I told my son today I am not a mind reader (in a positive way after he said "how do you know exactly what I need" and he said "well sometimes you are" -I'mglad I know him well so that I know if he might be getting sad, coming down with something, needing to be quiet instead of chat during our walk to camp or school, etc. But I'm just not a fan of labeling.

What to you is the appropriate way to use labels like that if at all?

Labeling is inevitable as you say... it's human nature to judge people and situations based on information gathered as life is lived. It's almost impossible to avoid applying labels and judging, and why should we? It can be limiting yes, but it can also help us categorize information and study it more easily.

Case in point... you are labeling your former friend as intelligent, successful, and a good mom... how did you arrive at this judgment? My guess is based on perceptions and information gathered about these particular categories.

For me, the appropriate use of labels would be something that captures the essence of who a person is while not being restrictive or negative, and is based on values and spiritual principles, i.e. "wow she is a really empathetic person" or "he is so kind and generous." etc.

Its okay as a parent to make natural observations about children. None of those "labels" are negative in any way.

I'm not sure I see a huge difference between what I see as a description of character traits and what you call labeling.

As parents, we get to know our children very well and if you have multiple children than the differences among them stand out and are very interesting. For example I have two children. My son is scared of dying, loud noises, flies, moths, traffic etc etc. Part of our day is me reassuring him or listening to him. Sometimes I describe him to others as 'quite a fearful child'. I guess that's a label. But its also just a description of that part of him. It's not all of him of course but it explains a certain part of him you know. If that changes, then I'd no longer use that label because it would no longer describe him.

Another example; My daughter does a thing with her mouth that her dad does. We've been separated since she was a baby and he lives abroad so she doesn't get to see him much except on skype. But when she does this thing with her mouth it fascinates me. And on top of that she looks very like him. So I will say 'you look so like Daddy when you do that'. I don't see any harm in it.

I guess the only way I see 'labelling' as wrong is if its used in a negative way that makes the kid feel bad.

I'm not sure I see a huge difference between what I see as a description of character traits and what you call labeling.

 

As parents, we get to know our children very well and if you have multiple children than the differences among them stand out and are very interesting. For example I have two children. My son is scared of dying, loud noises, flies, moths, traffic etc etc. Part of our day is me reassuring him or listening to him. Sometimes I describe him to others as 'quite a fearful child'. I guess that's a label. But its also just a description of that part of him. It's not all of him of course but it explains a certain part of him you know. If that changes, then I'd no longer use that label because it would no longer describe him.

 

Another example; My daughter does a thing with her mouth that her dad does. We've been separated since she was a baby and he lives abroad so she doesn't get to see him much except on skype. But when she does this thing with her mouth it fascinates me. And on top of that she looks very like him. So I will say 'you look so like Daddy when you do that'. I don't see any harm in it.

 

I guess the only way I see 'labelling' as wrong is if its used in a negative way that makes the kid feel bad.

And I see certain labeling -even positive -as potentially limiting or skewing perspectives so that there is less flexibility.

I am differentiating labeling from describing personality traits as I did - but I get that the distinction can be slim. I also of course get that there are certain personality traits that are there from birth it seems and so avoiding it as "labeling" wouldn't make sense and could even be harmful.

I like to think there's a balance between labeling and being open to the child changing or being unpredictable - and the less there is labeling the less it is a "surprise" when the child acts/reacts differently.

Loved the anecdote about how she does that thing with her mouth -that is fascinating!!

I am not sure it is labelling to notice qualities in your kids.

I am not sure it is labelling to notice qualities in your kids.

I don't think so either. I think when it goes to deciding your child at age 8 is a "natural born leader" or similar that can be limiting if it imposes pressure on a child to live up to the label. I get the distinction between positive and negative. To me another example is labeling a child as a nerd or geek because he likes math or science - even if nerd and geek is thought of as positive.

I don't think so either. I think when it goes to deciding your child at age 8 is a "natural born leader" or similar that can be limiting if it imposes pressure on a child to live up to the label. I get the distinction between positive and negative. To me another example is labeling a child as a nerd or geek because he likes math or science - even if nerd and geek is thought of as positive.

I think some people are natural leaders though.

I think some people are natural leaders though.

Yes, I do too. I don't think I'm conveying what I meant to in my thread, my bad, sorry. In the "natural born leader" certainly I might think that about a child - just like I have a strong sense my child will be a natural at acting once he starts classes - but I try to avoid using labels about him especially "to" him - I certainly point out his qualities and I try when I can to relate it to specific choices -so instead of saying generally "you're a thoughtful person" I tell him why I think what he just did was thoughtful. Yes, you're right -I think of him as in general having a good heart and being thoughtful and certainly if he behaves in a selfish way in my mind I compare it to my general sense of him.

So, is it more that you don't mind 'thinking' those things but you don't like saying them?

As in you might think...'wow, that kid is a leader'. But you'd never say it, instead you might say to him 'you did a good job in organizing that today'.

I think it is ok to tell someone they have good qualities.

So, is it more that you don't mind 'thinking' those things but you don't like saying them?

 

As in you might think...'wow, that kid is a leader'. But you'd never say it, instead you might say to him 'you did a good job in organizing that today'.

Yes -I prefer specifics with children and not letting my internal thoughts that are generalizations/labels limit my perceptions and my flexibility -so yes what I think to a certain extent. I was a shy child -a bookworm if you want a label - and then I came out of my shell at around age 15. So, for example, people who stick to labels might say "who knew such a shy child could now be ____" as opposed to recognizing that a trait like shyness can change, fade (or get stronger of course) and being ready to think outside the box. I think my "nerd" example was probably the better one as opposed to "natural born leader". I've seen people be quick to label others as "nerdy" just because of the interests they might have.

I think I understand. It's a matter of how language is used. Accurate use of language is important. Being specific with language is important.

Take the example of telling a child "you are bad" versus " your behaviour right now is not acceptable". The disciple could be exactly the same, but one places a label on a child which they may internalize. Told enough times, they may believe they as human beings are 'bad'.

Same goes when saying things like "you are a musical genius" or " you are so pretty". Insert anything really; it's suggesting what a child IS.

She proceeded to explain why in comparison she loves her kids' energy and in that explanation labeled each one - like, one was her 'natural born leader" - and I see this often - really good parents label their kids - often in positive or neutral ways -the "shy" one, the "cautious one" , the "naughty one" etc.

I see a difference between the way she is labeling and simply observing qualities.

He has leadership qualities, he tends to be shy in new situations, he tends to be cautious...

is observing and less confining (IMO) than

He's a natural born leader, he is the shy ONE, he is the cautious ONE.

The cautious one and shy one may also have leadership qualities, but she's distinguishing them with labels that may limit how they see themselves.

I think we need to be careful too not too be so pc that we can’t compliment someone.

I think we need to be careful too not too be so pc that we can’t compliment someone.

Yes, but I was writing about labeling like Journeynow referenced, not giving compliments. I am a big fan of complimenting someone, and I think specific compliments are much more thoughtful and caring to the person - really makes the person feel noticed -not just children. I'm not a fan of saying "good boy" to my son. Once in awhile it will slip out. I prefer "that was really good of you to _____". I don't think that has anything to do with PC. To me the PC issue is when we're afraid to compliment someone's looks because it might be construed as gender-based, for example.

I see a difference between the way she is labeling and simply observing qualities.

 

He has leadership qualities, he tends to be shy in new situations, he tends to be cautious...

 

is observing and less confining (IMO) than

 

He's a natural born leader, he is the shy ONE, he is the cautious ONE.

 

The cautious one and shy one may also have leadership qualities, but she's distinguishing them with labels that may limit how they see themselves.

Yes, I agree.

Well said, journeynow.

I think we need to be careful too not too be so pc that we can’t compliment someone.

Shy and cautious are compliments?

Yes, that has nothing to do with what I wrote. I am a big fan of complimenting someone, and I think specific compliments are much more thoughtful and caring to the person - really makes the person feel noticed -not just children.

Sure specifics are good, but there is zero wrong with calling someone a good leader with not giving a specific. I don’t think that it is not genuine because there is no specific attached to it .

Shy and cautious are compliments?

Well, no , not everything said was a compliment. I think though as a society we are turning ourselves into a pretzel to have “ right” answers 24/7.

Well, no , not everything said was a compliment. I think though as a society we are turning ourselves into a pretzel to have “ right” answers 24/7.

THat could be I'm confused as to how what I wrote triggered that reaction. I am very interested in complimenting my child with specifics, for several reasons having to do with his development and sense of self.

THat could be I'm confused as to how what I wrote triggered that reaction. I am very interested in complimenting my child with specifics, for several reasons having to do with his development and sense of self.

Great. So do that. There is nothing wrong with it.

But not every generality is bad .

Great. So do that. There is nothing wrong with it.

 

But not every generality is bad .

Never said it was. I was talking about labeling in a specific context. I agree with you!

In my opinion what I do isn't a "nothing wrong with it" - in my opinion it takes more effort to give a person a specific compliment so I think there's a lot right with putting in the effort to show you care in that way, particularly with children who are developing a sense of self. Just to toot my own horn a bit lol - believe me I beat myself up plenty about parenting. (I learned about the specific compliments/observations n the 1980s during my teacher training, my first career, and carried it with me).

The fact that we beat ourselves up about parenting is a reason though not to point fingers at another’s parenting unless it is abusive. Every parent I know beats themselves up some way about their parenting. We should support each other.

My son has had MANY lables. Mostly by others and society. Not all I agree with and I guess I have labelled him,good ones. But I don’t feel he was hurt by that or anybody else was harmed due to it.