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Is he really just too busy or is he ignoring me?


Perdido1989

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Hi guys...

 

I'll keep this brief; recently met a really nice guy (completely randomly, which was quite nice) who ticked a lot of the right boxes for me. The day we met we had a little kiss, I agreed to meet him the weekend just gone (along with some of his friends which, despite being very nervous about, seemed to go well I thought) and he ended up coming back to my house . . . well I'm sure everyone can guess where that went.

 

Anyhow I have heard nothing since. Everything seemed fine on the morning that he left, said that he would definitely like to see me again but has not responded to my messages since (that was yesterday morning, and he seems to have been online since) He did mention when we were out that he sometimes takes a long time to respond to messages and that he would much rather meet face to face. But, how can we meet face to face if he does not even read the messages I send to him.

 

I do really quite like him, and enjoyed that we met in such an organic way and seem to have a lot in common. I don't need someone to text me 24/7 but it would be nice to be able to arrange another date!

 

I can't tell if this is turning into a ghosting situation or if he actually will respond, eventually. Thoughts?

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Ok lay back and stop texting him.

He did mention when we were out that he sometimes takes a long time to respond to messages and that he would much rather meet face to face. But, how can we meet face to face if he does not even read the messages I send to him.
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What types of messages have you sent him since he left that morning?

 

And how long have you been seeing each other?

 

 

Really new, as in like we met a couple weeks ago (So I won't be overly fussed if he does vanish - just a shame as he is quite a nice guy!)

 

I basically just sent a single message asking how the event he was attending went... and left it at that. There is the possibility that maybe he really is just quite busy - I guess as I don't know much about him yet I could be jumping the gun.

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Ok lay back and stop texting him.

 

 

I only messaged once, with a question to ask how the event he went to was - I don't believe in double texting! If I have heard nothing by the weekend I will send one more 'do you want to hang out' and if I get no response then I think that will be more or less self explanatory!

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Well....nobody is so busy that they can't send a text back even if it's something so simple as "it was great". You sent a text that requires a response. Personally, I give people 24 hrs to respond, if they haven't, I'll write them off at that point. Unless you are in a comma, even if you are busy like crazy, within 24 hrs, someone who is interested will respond. Quite frankly, I take warnings of "gosh I'm just so busy or gosh I just don't respond often" as them deliberately trying to set your expectations low and see if you are willing to get treated like an afterthought. I'd just say no to that right off the bat if I were you.

 

Don't get so hung up on he is a nice guy, because you really don't know him. If he ghosts you, consider that he really wasn't such a nice guy after all. Nice guys don't pump and dump. Look at how people act and treat you.

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Well....nobody is so busy that they can't send a text back even if it's something so simple as "it was great". You sent a text that requires a response. Personally, I give people 24 hrs to respond, if they haven't, I'll write them off at that point. Unless you are in a comma, even if you are busy like crazy, within 24 hrs, someone who is interested will respond. Quite frankly, I take warnings of "gosh I'm just so busy or gosh I just don't respond often" as them deliberately trying to set your expectations low and see if you are willing to get treated like an afterthought. I'd just say no to that right off the bat if I were you.

 

Don't get so hung up on he is a nice guy, because you really don't know him. If he ghosts you, consider that he really wasn't such a nice guy after all. Nice guys don't pump and dump. Look at how people act and treat you.

 

 

Yeah... good point! I did find it odd that he would mention that 'I don't really respond much to messages', yet was on his phone quite a bit before he left my house. I feel a bit silly now! Oh well; if nothing else I got a night of mutual 'fun' - I think perhaps I need to stop looking at every encounter as possible relationship material and appreciate that some guys will want one thing and then vanish.

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Yeah... good point! I did find it odd that he would mention that 'I don't really respond much to messages', yet was on his phone quite a bit before he left my house. I feel a bit silly now! Oh well; if nothing else I got a night of mutual 'fun' - I think perhaps I need to stop looking at every encounter as possible relationship material and appreciate that some guys will want one thing and then vanish.

 

Eh....in cases like these, don't be surprised if he contacts you randomly for another hook up acting like nothing has happened previously or like he didn't owe you any basic decency, or worse, bs'ing you about how busy he has been. Yuck. Don't let anyone treat you like that.

 

If you are looking for a serious long term relationship, then apply ye olde rule of dating - go out on dates and get to know them before hitting the sack. Easier to eliminate wrong matches and easier to get rid of them too. No emotional attachment, no intimacy to cloud your judgment.

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Eh....in cases like these, don't be surprised if he contacts you randomly for another hook up acting like nothing has happened previously or like he didn't owe you any basic decency, or worse, bs'ing you about how busy he has been. Yuck. Don't let anyone treat you like that.

 

If you are looking for a serious long term relationship, then apply ye olde rule of dating - go out on dates and get to know them before hitting the sack. Easier to eliminate wrong matches and easier to get rid of them too. No emotional attachment, no intimacy to cloud your judgment.

 

 

I am open to a serious longer term relationship when the right person presents themselves - although not actively looking (even though I tend to approach most every encounter with the 'what if this is the one..?' approach)

 

I strongly suspect he will be back at some point but I think you are absolutely right. No one is too busy to respond - a simple 'Lets catch up later' or something of the like would not go amiss so I think that we have had our fun and now he has bolted. A shame really - I would be open to an FWB situation but I guess that is not for everyone!

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I would be open to an FWB situation but I guess that is not for everyone!

 

I tend to approach most every encounter with the 'what if this is the one..?' approach

 

Sorry you're going through this; reading between the lines of what you have written here, it seems you're trying to fool yourself when you say you'd be open to an FWB situation. If you were genuinely that casual, you'd be unlikely to worry when someone didn't text you back.

 

This is important because trying to be cool about this sort of thing is likely to stand in the way of you getting what you want, i.e. a serious longer term relationship. Holding off from having sex will eliminate all the players and give you more of an opportunity to see where someone's really at. It puts you back in the driving seat of your own emotional life.

 

I also agree with everyone else here about the 'busyness' being a pile of ****. Nobody is so busy they can't make some kind of contact, however brief.

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Sorry you're going through this; reading between the lines of what you have written here, it seems you're trying to fool yourself when you say you'd be open to an FWB situation. If you were genuinely that casual, you'd be unlikely to worry when someone didn't text you back.

 

This is important because trying to be cool about this sort of thing is likely to stand in the way of you getting what you want, i.e. a serious longer term relationship. Holding off from having sex will eliminate all the players and give you more of an opportunity to see where someone's really at. It puts you back in the driving seat of your own emotional life.

 

I also agree with everyone else here about the 'busyness' being a pile of ****. Nobody is so busy they can't make some kind of contact, however brief.

 

 

I think I am just so used to it by this point that I try to play it cool rather than act too disappointed when they do the big disappear. This happened to me earlier this year; a guy pursued me for ages to the point that I travelled out of the country to see him again. Eventually I caved and he got what he wanted, gave me some pile of crap about 'Oh I'm not ready, I'm still hung up on my ex' and I never saw him again. I think he has now benched me as he likes everything I put up on social media but we no longer converse - just the bare minimum to make me think 'maybe he is still interested?'

 

I am sadly an emotional person, and the kind of person that develops a connection after having sex with someone which sucks really. Part of me is very envious of those that really can just jump into bed with someone, never see or hear from them again and not care! I have never been able to do it without some form of 'feelings' being bought up.

 

I think the main thing here for me is the whole pile of rubbish about 'being too busy' or preferring not to message. Well, don't we all! But to bring it up so soon into seeing each other... I think that was his 'don't expect a response from me'. Maybe he did tell me and I did not take the cue. Ah well - plenty more fish in the sea!

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*fist bump* I’m in the same boat jumping in too quick with guys and then being crushed when they vanish. The struggle (and disappointment) is reeeal

 

 

Ah man I am so glad I am not the only one. I feel your pain - It's crap isn't it! Neither mean to jump in too quick but I let them woo me and then it's WHAM, BAM . . . gone.

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If I could have taught my younger self one thing, it's that if someone WANTS to be in contact or together with me, then that's exactly what he will do.

 

Everything else is just an excuse.

 

Yeah . . . that is what it boils down to I suppose. If someone does not respond I can only assume it means they do not want to speak to me.

 

Although somewhat odd development in that his best friend messaged me last night to ask how I was and suggesting we catch up soon. Not sure what to make of that!

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Yeah . . . that is what it boils down to I suppose. If someone does not respond I can only assume it means they do not want to speak to me.

 

Although somewhat odd development in that his best friend messaged me last night to ask how I was and suggesting we catch up soon. Not sure what to make of that!

 

Were you friends with this guy before?

 

If not, he's likely got wind of the fact that your guy hasn't been in touch with you and so now he is testing the waters. I would be cautious responding to that request.

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Were you friends with this guy before?

 

If not, he's likely got wind of the fact that your guy hasn't been in touch with you and so now he is testing the waters. I would be cautious responding to that request.

 

 

No we were not friends before. The best friend is a girl however... If it was a guy I would have been a bit more suspicious as to their motives...!

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I am open to a serious longer term relationship when the right person presents themselves - although not actively looking (even though I tend to approach most every encounter with the 'what if this is the one..?' approach)

 

I strongly suspect he will be back at some point but I think you are absolutely right. No one is too busy to respond - a simple 'Lets catch up later' or something of the like would not go amiss so I think that we have had our fun and now he has bolted. A shame really - I would be open to an FWB situation but I guess that is not for everyone!

 

if you want an ltr act like it. that means no sex or "little" kiss the first time you meet someone. if you had been communicating and this was a preset date and you decided to go for a kiss thats one thing.

 

i dont think you want fwb. you are lowering your standard because he didnt contact you.

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I am sadly an emotional person, and the kind of person that develops a connection after having sex with someone which sucks really. Part of me is very envious of those that really can just jump into bed with someone, never see or hear from them again and not care! I have never been able to do it without some form of 'feelings' being bought up.

 

I am the same way and often thought life would be easier if I could hold off getting attached.

At some point I just learned to honor who I am and honestly, I think it's a great quality.

To hear you refer to it as `sadly being an emotional person' is sad in of itself.

 

Being emotional or in touch with your emotions is great quality to have. I wouldn't want the alternative.

Honor it and live your life accordingly. It's just easier that way.

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I am the same way and often thought life would be easier if I could hold off getting attached.

At some point I just learned to honor who I am and honestly, I think it's a great quality.

To hear you refer to it as `sadly being an emotional person' is sad in of itself.

 

Being emotional or in touch with your emotions is great quality to have. I wouldn't want the alternative.

Honor it and live your life accordingly. It's just easier that way.

 

I know you are right. We are not all wired the same way and I should not go against that. I made the mistake of sending one more message to the errant lover just asking if he would like to meet up again and it has not even been read so that gives me all the answer I need! Time to move on :)

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I am the same way and often thought life would be easier if I could hold off getting attached.

At some point I just learned to honor who I am and honestly, I think it's a great quality.

To hear you refer to it as `sadly being an emotional person' is sad in of itself.

 

Being emotional or in touch with your emotions is great quality to have. I wouldn't want the alternative.

Honor it and live your life accordingly. It's just easier that way.

 

You an be an emotional person - but be aware of it --- aware that you attach easy so therefore keep your hands to yourself the first time you meet a stranger from across the crowded room -- that you aware all those bonding sex hormones make it harder to let go --- be choosey and then attach all you want when your brain checks off all the boxes that its okay to let yourself go and dive in

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You an be an emotional person - but be aware of it --- aware that you attach easy so therefore keep your hands to yourself the first time you meet a stranger from across the crowded room -- that you aware all those bonding sex hormones make it harder to let go --- be choosey and then attach all you want when your brain checks off all the boxes that its okay to let yourself go and dive in

 

I wish I had this advice last week, as I feel a little silly now. I sent one last message (two in total; one the day after our 'date', and then the one on Wednesday was quite direct; 'hey how's your week, lets catch up again soon?') It has not even been opened which is the most annoying thing but at least it tells me he is definitely ignoring me! Annoyingly he is showing up as being in my area on Facebook which is just making everything that much more difficult -_-

 

I really do not get men at all. I'm old enough to be able to take rejection - a simple 'it was fun but that's all it was' won't drive me to suicide! Unfortunately I let myself get carried away this time, but I think I will follow your advice for the next time. Jumping into bed with someone you don't know is all good and fun until he turns out to be a !

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Jumping into bed with someone you don't know is all good and fun ...

 

I found it helpful to consider whether this is really true for me. Around college age I came to know myself well enough to know that I bond emotionally when I have sex. So I began to prioritize getting to know men to decide exactly WHO I wanted to bond WITH.

 

Strangers are strangers despite whatever kind of pretty noises they make. Taking off clothing isn't difficult, but empty sex is just... empty. Holding expectations that it will lead to something more doesn't make it so, but getting to know people as human beings rather than as sex devices has boosted my self respect and the respect I hold for others as I learn exactly what their motivations are before investing in them.

 

Most people are not our match. That's not cynical, it's just the odds. Decide first what you want. From there you can pass early on anyone who isn't seeking the exact same things you want out of dating.

 

Head high.

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I found it helpful to consider whether this is really true for me. Around college age I came to know myself well enough to know that I bond emotionally when I have sex. So I began to prioritize getting to know men to decide exactly WHO I wanted to bond WITH.

 

Strangers are strangers despite whatever kind of pretty noises they make. Taking off clothing isn't difficult, but empty sex is just... empty. Holding expectations that it will lead to something more doesn't make it so, but getting to know people as human beings rather than as sex devices has boosted my self respect and the respect I hold for others as I learn exactly what their motivations are before investing in them.

 

Most people are not our match. That's not cynical, it's just the odds. Decide first what you want. From there you can pass early on anyone who isn't seeking the exact same things you want out of dating.

 

Head high.

 

Catfeeder is exactly right on the respect matter.

 

I think society nowadays with it's you can behave anyhow discourse, has made women a huge disservice, of course not all women are the same, but honestly I see the

majority developing feelings after having sex, there is nothing wrong here, but with this in mind you should not have sex too fast and not feel pressured by people who

have FWB to be like them, I also do believe many in these FWB situations fool themselves not to feel alone.

 

Honestly as a man I kind of see this as a good thing, meaning that a woman I date waiting long to get really physical, I will tend to see as more mature and worthy of

dating, it works both ways for women it eliminates players and for men it tells you which one has more self respect, it's win win in my opinion and nothing to do with

being a "who**" if you sleep too fast or any nonsense !

 

I'd even say some men, which I am in will get scared and run away, if they have sex before knowing the woman well enough, to feel this emotional connection. maybe

a minority among men, I don't know as we're not really into talking about this, but I really don't see any good man having a problem, for waiting one or two months

to get physical, that is if they are also searching for a LTR !

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