Quarter life crisis because I'm single

I know I will sound stupid and desperate. After my break up with my LDR partner almost 2 weeks ago, I began to suddenly feel a quarter life crisis. I'm 22 going to be 23 next month and for some reason, I don't understand why I feel like I have this crisis when it comes to my dating life. I've dated 3 guys already and somehow I feel as though I'm scared I might not meet a lifetime partner because I see myself as "unapproachable" to guys. Also, I have this perspective being in a relationship is scary now that I think most relationships will end. Am I being too paranoid? Or is it normal for my age to feel like this?

OP, I am assuming you're referring to this guy:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552101

Kindly and with respect, you need to rethink your definition of partner and relationship. This wasn't a relationship, and he wasn't a partner. He was a man you spoke to on the internet for a month, whom you never met in person.

I think a big part of the problem is that you appear to attach yourself to a fantasy, and can't understand when it doesn't work out. You have developed a false sense of intimacy without having experienced it in real life (in this case, anyway) and assume that's how relationships work. It isn't. When you date and have real relationships, offline, you will generally feel a much greater sense of security in the partnership and thus more confidence that you won't wind up alone. When you chase a fantasy online, however, of course you're going to face disappointment.

So while it's normal for people to sometimes fear they'll never find someone, you first need to work on developing a real relationship (not a cyber one) and not set yourself up for failure by assuming some random guy you haven't met is your boyfriend. I mean that sincerely, too.

OP, I am assuming you're referring to this guy:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552101

 

Kindly and with respect, you need to rethink your definition of partner and relationship. This wasn't a relationship, and he wasn't a partner. He was a man you spoke to on the internet for a month, whom you never met in person.

 

I think a big part of the problem is that you appear to attach yourself to a fantasy, and can't understand when it doesn't work out. You have developed a false sense of intimacy without having experienced it in real life (in this case, anyway) and assume that's how relationships work. It isn't. When you date and have real relationships, offline, you will generally feel a much greater sense of security in the partnership and thus more confidence that you won't wind up alone. When you chase a fantasy online, however, of course you're going to face disappointment.

 

So while it's normal for people to sometimes fear they'll never find someone, you first need to work on developing a real relationship (not a cyber one) and not set yourself up for failure by assuming some random guy you haven't met is your boyfriend. I mean that sincerely, too.

Thank you for your honesty. My first two relationships weren't online though, they were real relationships. Before my online relationship, I wasn't scared to date someone. After this experience, I felt more traumatized. But now that you mentioned real relationships are far better, I do agree with you I could've been so attached to my online ex "partner" because of the fantasy or illusion I saw. I will just consider this as a lesson learned not to go for online relationships ever again. It's too good to be true to find someone who is serious there.

I might still feel like this cause I am on the proccess of moving on despite it was all online. I hope I can meet a great and real partner soon, a lifetime partner specifically.

Ironic as it may sound, I think we only really find a lifetime partner when we let go of the idea of a lifetime partner. When we're secure enough in our lives and selves that we're not looking to another to fill in the missing pieces.

If you approach dating, or a connection with a new person, from the perspective of "Is this my person FOR LIFE?" you're putting way, WAY too much pressure on the whole thing. It will always crack before it has had a chance to form. And all that pressure will create a whole lot of anxieties about dating that, well, will make even dating hard. It's common to put this sort of pressure on things when you're so young, because so much of adulthood is uncertain that you kind of hope, subconsciously, that finding "the person" will ease the uncertainty.

I'm a lot older than you, 38. Since I was your age I've had 4 long term relationships, each about 3 years. They were all wonderful and painful in different ways. I don't think of any of them as failures for ending. We shared space and grew—we were partners—until something shifted for one of both of us that made continuing our lives together unhealthy. Would I love to find someone I can last longer with, even forever, and be happy? Of course! But I can also live my life on my own—the joys, the agonies, all of it—and so I there isn't this immense pressure for someone to solve my problems.

Ironic as it may sound, I think we only really find a lifetime partner when we let go of the idea of a lifetime partner. When we're secure enough in our lives and selves that we're not looking to another to fill in the missing pieces.

 

If you approach dating, or a connection with a new person, from the perspective of "Is this my person FOR LIFE?" you're putting way, WAY too much pressure on the whole thing. It will always crack before it has had a chance to form. And all that pressure will create a whole lot of anxieties about dating that, well, will make even dating hard. It's common to put this sort of pressure on things when you're so young, because so much of adulthood is uncertain that you kind of hope, subconsciously, that finding "the person" will ease the uncertainty.

 

I'm a lot older than you, 38. Since I was your age I've had 4 long term relationships, each about 3 years. They were all wonderful and painful in different ways. I don't think of any of them as failures for ending. We shared space and grew—we were partners—until something shifted for one of both of us that made continuing our lives together unhealthy. Would I love to find someone I can last longer with, even forever, and be happy? Of course! But I can also live my life on my own—the joys, the agonies, all of it—and so I there isn't this immense pressure for someone to solve my problems.

I never intended to get married or have a long term partner. I just assumed I would be alone, because of many reasons, but that never really bothered me or anything.

My flippant view of a LTR enabled me to not ever take someone's sh*t in a relationship and never prioritize a relationship above my own happiness.

I feel that my views are the reason I met my partner when we were 16 and have been together for a decade and a half.

People who desperately want a relationship make too many concessions in a relationship and strip away any long term viability of that relationship.

You have artificially inflated this relationship up, and it doesn't even seem like a real relationship in my terms.

I would make sure you know what you want from a relationship before you engage in one, and not settle for anything less.

After some time, if that doesn't give you success, look back at what you want and reassess your priorities.