Ex agreed to meeting up but then cancelled

Hi guys

Me and my ex split up a few months ago. We had a great relationship but had about a month or so of arguing and she packed her bags and left. It seemed very premature to me but it is what it is. She moved 400 miles away and we got back together a week later but obviously were then in a LDR. I went to go see her after about 6 weeks and we argued and split again. We had a month or so without contact and then a month or so of infrequent texts which didn't go very well tbh. She was being hot and cold but mainly cold so I'd give her some space and time. We spoke on the phone and video call for about 3 hours about 6 weeks ago, the first time we'd actually spoken since we split and it was acutally nice to talk to each other. About a month later we spoke again for about 3 hours or phone and video and again it was nice. We caught up with each other and it was almost like we were still together both times but without the romantic side of things. There was a few compliments about how good we are both looking but nothing serious.

A week or so later we were talking on the phone and she asked me if I thought there could ever be a version 2.0 of me and her. We hadn't spoke about us or the past in a couple of months and this was out of the blue for me. I responded with something along the lines of it's possible, but it depends on a few things, asked her what she thought to which she replied maybe. I'd been wanting to ask her for a month or so if she wanted to meet up soon but I was waiting for the right moment and I felt this was it. I asked her if she would like to meet up, gave her a few options and told her to choose whatever she felt most comfortable with. She said yes and we agreed to speak soon about it. Over the next few days we started texting each other throughout most of the day for the first time in months. She initiated contact with me 3 or 4 times over the next week where she hadn't initiated contact since we split (almost 4 months). We even text each other good night for maybe 5 days that week again for the first time in months. She also told me she misses me and she was being flirty.

After a couple of days I got a voice note from her saying that we shouldn't be meeting up as its too soon and she cancelled. I responded to say thats fine but wanted to talk to her about it so I called her that evening. When I called her she was straight away vert cold and agressive about it all for the first time in a while. I told her it was fine and that I did tell her whatever she was comfortable with but I asked her why coz it sounds like she is worried about something. She replied to comfirm that she is worried that we will either argue or sleep together. I tried to reassure her that she has nothing to worry about but I did not try to convince her to meet still. I always respect people and their decisions. We spoke for about an hour that night and she was being difficult and agressive and after about an hour of trying my best, we started to bicker about a few things and she told me that its definately over and she changed her mind since last week (4days had passed) and that she doesn't consider a future for us. 2 minutes later she's telling me maybe 6 months from now we can try. But NOT NOW. Now seeing as we broke up due to arguing, this was the last thing I wanted. She ended up hanging up on me.

I called her the next day just to say can we please stop talking about the past as all we do is bicker if we do. She agreed. She was being very pleasant just like she didn't hang up on me 12 hours ago. I asked her again if she'd like to meet up, super chilled, no pressure and she said yes. For the next few days we are again texting throughout most of the day. A few days pass and again she cancels on me. I was expecting it tbh and simply sent her a quick video message just to say that it's fine and I respect her decisions and whatever she's comfortable with. This time - she did however say the reasons why were again coz she feels its too soon but also she'd love to meet up with me but also because she is working the day we want to meet and the day after so we would only have a few hours together whereas she would rather a time thats better for both of us where we could have more time together and get to really enjoy it. Since then, we shared a few texts and since then she has ignored me. It's only been 3 days but still, she stopped replying.

When we split, she kept leaving the door open. She told me we can't be together RIGHT NOW. We're not compatible RIGHT NOW. She told me it would be amazing if we could be together in the future. She told me if you love something set it free, if it comes back then its meant to be. She asked me why she would leave the man she loves so much and has done so much for her? She told me that we both need to work on a few things and then we could get back in touch and see how things are. She told me that if we had a bit of time apart we could then maybe slowly try to start again. Maybe a phone call once a week or so to slowly start re building and this is what I want. To slowly repair the damage done, slowly rebuild and reattract and go from there. Like I mentioned, last week she asked me if there was still a future, told me she misses me and was flirting, started contacting me for the first time in months just to change her mind a few days later.

What do I do?!?! Over the last few months, i get the feeling that if I declare my love and intentions then she will not be interested. So I feel that I need to attempt to reconnect and reattract before making any sort of move. Do people agree? Should I continue to be friendly over phone and video calls? Focus on having fun and making her laugh? That's what the long calls and videos we've had have been like. Very few mentions of us or our past. Maybe a mention of a happy memory but nothing bad or nothing emotional. Just talking and catching up and enjoying each others 'company' over the phone.

I'm very confused about all of this. She has told me and showed me several times since we split that she wants to be with me. But feels like we can't be. She's told me she misses me. Was open to meeting but then wasn't. She seems to be teetering inbetween. She wants me. She doesnt want me. She misses me, she doesnt miss me. She wants to meet me, she doesnt want to meet me. She's devestated that we're apart. She's happy that we're apart. She event told me on the phone that she's scared that if we got back together that it wouldnt last. And we'd have a short period of everything being great but then the same problems from before would resurface. I don't agree. I also feel that whatever effort we both put into it will be the results that we got from it. So we both need to make an effort for things to be different and to me in my head it would be so easy. But I can only control my side of things....

She hasn't responded for a few days. Do I leave her alone and see if she contacts me? She said she'd let me know what day she is free this week to talk but I'm not expecting to hear from her. Or should I contact her? I'm starting to feel pathetic for always being the one to contact her when she rarely initiates contact. Only recently has she done so. For about a week, we text each other almost every day just for her to go back to not replying to my messages and not intiating contact.

I really feel she wants me still but is scared and confused. And also the long distance between us....

Or do I put it all out there and offer her 2 choices? We either continue to talk frequently with a view to slowly moving back towards each other or we stop communicating completely? I love this girl and thought she was the one (and still do). I'm 29 years old and have dated women for 14 years and never felt anything as amazing as what I felt with this girl. I'm not desperate and I have always been very comfortable being alone so I'm not just missing being in a relationship. I'm missing her.

I'm worried that if I tell her at this moment how much I love her and want things to work that she'll say no and choose the stop communicating option. But obvs I don't know for sure.... But I'm also starting to lose my mind over the uncertainty and the way she keeps changing her mind with me. I can't take the I'm interested, I'm not interested, but I am interested.... I can't take it anymore. I feel like I need a yes or a no. But I also feel that I need to rebuild with this girl before offering her these 2 choices.

There was a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication leading to our demise and we would have to sit down and go over all of these and obviously learn how to communicate better as that was our only problem agreed by both of us. I feel it would be easy and we have something special that shouldn't be lost over one thing that we can defo do better...

Hot/cold often indicates that there's someone else. Stop pursuing her, she knows where you are. Smothering, pleading etc, make you increasingly unattractive.

I can't take the I'm interested, I'm not interested, but I am interested.... I can't take it anymore. I feel like I need a yes or a no.

I don't belive there is. I know people can lie but she tells me every time we talk that she's not interested in meeting anyone else. The hot and cold to me is her postive and negative emotions towards me fighting each other. Her brain and her heart if you will....

The hot and cold could be that there's someone else in the picture, but in my opinion it is probably because she has already realised how much you want this, while she doesn't seem to want it as much. Even though you say you want to tell her how much you want her, your actions have already been screaming this. You even sound a bit desperate to be honest.

You're definitely over pursuing. She should at the very least be doing half of the pursuing, which she is clearly not. From what I read, you're giving to much of the 'Please get back together with me' vibe, and that is highly unattractive as Wiseman said. You should not be giving her options, actually I think you shouldn't even be in contact with her because she seems to be playing with your emotions by agreeing to meet and than cancelling.

You don't say in your post who made the decision to break up but I'll bet it was her. If that's the case, my suggestion: don't initiate contact again at all. If she does, reply accordingly but don't engage in anything like those 3 hours calls you mentioned. Don't mention anything about the relationship or getting back. Only talk about this topic if she brings it up. If she does, say this is something that should be discussed in person, but don't suggest meeting. Let her invite to meet and do the chasing, if she wants to. If she doesn't, you already have your answer anyway.

This girl has no clue what she wants.

Whether it's because she's scared or confused or because she's met someone else, you need to bow out of this crazy-making dynamic you two have now. It's never going to work unless she is also committed to it, and she is most definitely not committed at this time.

Stop contacting her and trying to meet her. Her silence is all you need to know. She is nowhere near ready to even attempt a reconciliation at this point. Any further communication on the topic needs to come from her, and she needs to be consistent. Her inconsistency here speaks volumes.

She is confused and scared. She wants it but she doesn't. I have told her that I don't want to jump back in to anything but I would like to start again from scratch and go slow and get things right. She has even said that if we ever were to get back together than thats the way we'd have to do it. I don't think she's messing me around intentionally. I know this girl. She is a scared, confused and anxious girl as things are, even without our problems.

It was kind of mutual. It was her who said the words but it was me refusing to give her another chance whilst we were arguing. I obviously wasn't level headed at the time. She even admitted she ended it coz I wouldn't and that she still loved me and didn't want to do it. I haven't mentioned anything to do with us in months. It was her who asked if there could be a newer and better version of us to which I responded. I've been focussing on repairing the damage and just enjoying talking to each other hoping that we could meet up and just enjoy our time together - no intentions of trying to get back together on the first meet. Which seemed to be working. Its only been just over a week of being back in contact and within that week she has twice agreed to meeting up and twice cancelled, told me she misses me as well as a few other sweet/romantic things. She started to initiate contact with me and we were frequently messaging each other and now its been 3 days of nothing.

So it's like we finally took a few steps towards what we both suggested we want and now she seems to have withdrawn again. She is terrified of falling for me again and our relationship not working out again. She even told me this. Every time we talk she tells me I'm the most attractive man on the planet so the physical attraction is still strong. I told her last time we spoke that I miss talking to her coz she's super cool and its always been my fave thing about her and she told me she misses talking to me to coz she thinks I'm super cool too and thats how I won her in the first place. She said last week that we can't get back together RIGHT NOW any way coz she is 400 miles away but who knows about the future. Which is true. We have made progess over the last few months. Do I continue this long, slow and painfull process or do I tell her I need a definate yes or a definate no? Things seem to be working the way I want them to its just very painfull for me. She said she does want to meet me but at a time where we have more time together and possibly a few months later as she feels its too soon

This girl has no clue what she wants.

 

Whether it's because she's scared or confused or because she's met someone else, you need to bow out of this crazy-making dynamic you two have now. It's never going to work unless she is also committed to it, and she is most definitely not committed at this time.

 

Stop contacting her and trying to meet her. Her silence is all you need to know. She is nowhere near ready to even attempt a reconciliation at this point. Any further communication on the topic needs to come from her, and she needs to be consistent. Her inconsistency here speaks volumes.

Thanks to all for replying btw.

I agree to everything you say MissCanuck. She has no clue what she wants. She's young and inexperienced at relationships. She is scared and confused, I know there is no-one else. She wouldn't be speaking to me or agreeing to meet up if there was. I'm not going to ask her to meet up again and I'm not going to (and haven't) mention anything about us in months, I'm going to leave that down to her. I just don't know whether I should keep doing what I'm doing, it seems to be slowly working or if I should tell her straight up I need a yes or a no. We keep talking with a view to slowly making things work or we stop all contact and actually be properly broken up

What you've been doing isn't working. You say you want to take it slow but you've been anything but. You are presuring her and no.one likes being presurred.

Stop.contacting her. Let her contact you next. And don't leap.on her.contact, immediately suggesting meeting up. Let that go until she suggests it.

What you've been doing isn't working. You say you want to take it slow but you've been anything but. You are presuring her and no.one likes being presurred.

 

Stop.contacting her. Let her contact you next. And don't leap.on her.contact, immediately suggesting meeting up. Let that go until she suggests it.

2 months ago we weren't speaking at all whereas now we are. 3 months ago she was very hot and cold with me wheras now she is mainly hot with only a little bit cold. Since we started talking again she has gone from being very cold to asking me whether we could ever try again. In 4 months she didn't initiate any contact whereas this last week she has initiated contact about 4 times. So it does seem to be working. I haven't once asked her to get back together with me or spoken about us. So I've not been pressuring her in that sense.

The hot and cold could be that there's someone else in the picture, but in my opinion it is probably because she has already realised how much you want this, while she doesn't seem to want it as much. Even though you say you want to tell her how much you want her, your actions have already been screaming this. You even sound a bit desperate to be honest.

 

You're definitely over pursuing. She should at the very least be doing half of the pursuing, which she is clearly not. From what I read, you're giving to much of the 'Please get back together with me' vibe, and that is highly unattractive as Wiseman said. You should not be giving her options, actually I think you shouldn't even be in contact with her because she seems to be playing with your emotions by agreeing to meet and than cancelling.

 

You don't say in your post who made the decision to break up but I'll bet it was her. If that's the case, my suggestion: don't initiate contact again at all. If she does, reply accordingly but don't engage in anything like those 3 hours calls you mentioned. Don't mention anything about the relationship or getting back. Only talk about this topic if she brings it up. If she does, say this is something that should be discussed in person, but don't suggest meeting. Let her invite to meet and do the chasing, if she wants to. If she doesn't, you already have your answer anyway.

The thing is, is that I don't think I'm desperate. I'm an attractive guy and always have women after me. The problem is that i do feel desperate for HER. Is this just as bad? I feel this way because I have such strong feelings for HER. I know I can get other women I just have absolutely no interest in other women. I have been trying to remain as cool as possible with no hints as to what my intentions are. But I do suppose it is obvious even without saying anything that I am still interested just from being in contact still. But then look from the other side. Why is she still talking to me?

When you have to disappear to make someone pay attention to you, you're barking up the wrong tree, man.

When you have to disappear to make someone pay attention to you, you're barking up the wrong tree, man.

Sorry what do you mean? :)

Sorry what do you mean? :)

Meaning, when it's this difficult to get her to notice you and want to talk to you, reconciliation is not in the cards.

Maybe later, but now is definitely not the time. She's not into it.

2 months ago we weren't speaking at all whereas now we are. 3 months ago she was very hot and cold with me wheras now she is mainly hot with only a little bit cold. Since we started talking again she has gone from being very cold to asking me whether we could ever try again. In 4 months she didn't initiate any contact whereas this last week she has initiated contact about 4 times. So it does seem to be working. I haven't once asked her to get back together with me or spoken about us. So I've not been pressuring her in that sense.

You said she hasn't responded for a few days.

I would say that's a sign that what you have been doing isn't working.

You're insisting on continuing to do the same thing. So why ask for input?

How young and how inexperienced is she? You mention you are 29, so she can't be THAT young, right?! And if she is, there's the problem right there.

It's a common way to let someone go to say ' not now, but maybe in the future'. It's a way to try and let you down easy. And the person may even believe it and be sincere when they say that, because when you care even a little bit, it's not easy letting someone go even if it's you initiating it and wanting a breakup.

But don't take it literally. This is a break up , in that sense, it's very black and white. All this slowly trying to get some interaction is not good , if she wanted to get back together, you would know, you'd see it with clear consistent action. That's not happening at all.

I think she probably is seeing other(s) , at least dipping her toes out there. One day, if you keep this up, it's going to really hurt you when you realize that or push her to a point where she tells you. And she'll say ' I told you I can't right now. Maybe later. Right now I gotta find myself.'

Meaning, when it's this difficult to get her to notice you and want to talk to you, reconciliation is not in the cards.

 

Maybe later, but now is definitely not the time. She's not into it.

I get ya. But my 'plan' all along was to give her some time and space to heal and figure out what she wants and then to slowly get back in touch and try to rebuild and reattract and eventually meet up a few times with no intentions of evening mentioning our past. First time just to catch up and enjoy each others company and then maybe the 2nd or 3rd time to take it from there and first of all gauge how we're both feeling and then take action.

Now after months of that seeming a million miles away, we have got back in contact. I haven't mentioned anything about us in months, it was her who brough it up. She has told me she misses me, we've started having long and pleasant phone calls - even started being like we are still together recently - she said some really sweet things to me recently. Everything seems to be slowly moving in the direction I want it to. She is also open to meeting up, just not at this moment as she still has feelings for me and is scared and confused.

But I don't know what to do from here. If we are an option lets say 6 months from now like she has said several times, do I keep in semi frequent contact with her? Do I try to get more frequent contact? Or do I stop talking to her and maybe try get back in touch 3-4 months down the line? Last contact we had was on Friday and she hasn't replied. We were texting throughout most the day before that for about a week after months of nothing. We both have full time jobs so not all day every day obvs but over the course of the entire day we were replying when we could. I didn't ask a question which she didn't reply to. She just hasn't responded to a back and forth convo. She did say on Friday she would let me know when she is free for a call this week.

I'm not certain, but I have a feeling she will be staying where she is until November this year when she will potentially move back to the area where I still live.

Did you get this plan from a break-up coach or something? It sounds straight of a Get-Your-Ex-Back! program.

I don't see how this is moving in the direction you want when she's cancelled plans to meet and is now out of touch again. At some point, you have got to preserve your own sanity and concede that maybe this really isn't the right girl for you.

So no, I would not try to initiate any more contact. She knows how to find you if she doesn't feel scared or confused anymore.

How young and how inexperienced is she? You mention you are 29, so she can't be THAT young, right?! And if she is, there's the problem right there.

 

It's a common way to let someone go to say ' not now, but maybe in the future'. It's a way to try and let you down easy. And the person may even believe it and be sincere when they say that, because when you care even a little bit, it's not easy letting someone go even if it's you initiating it and wanting a breakup.

But don't take it literally. This is a break up , in that sense, it's very black and white. All this slowly trying to get some interaction is not good , if she wanted to get back together, you would know, you'd see it with clear consistent action. That's not happening at all.

 

I think she probably is seeing other(s) , at least dipping her toes out there. One day, if you keep this up, it's going to really hurt you when you realize that or push her to a point where she tells you. And she'll say ' I told you I can't right now. Maybe later. Right now I gotta find myself.'

She's 23 and only ever had a few guys mess her about. I'm the first dude to show her that there are men out there who aren't just after 1 thing. She has given me a million hints that she still wants me and wants to be together but nothing concrete. And I want some bloody concrete. Last week she asked if there was a future. Which suggests she is considering that option. So I can see she wants it still but her words and actions are inconsistent at the moment which again suggests confusion and fear. I want to try to ease the confusion and fear through gently reconnecting. If there was no signs I would have moved on by now.

I do know that I am prolonging my pain and things could possibly turn out not how I want them. But if there is a chance then I'm going to take it. Never have I felt the way I do about her and I can't live without knowing I didn't try

You said she hasn't responded for a few days.

 

I would say that's a sign that what you have been doing isn't working.

 

You're insisting on continuing to do the same thing. So why ask for input?

Looking at the bigger picture I believe it is slowly going in the direction I want it to. It's not as if I asked a question she didn't respond to. She just didn't message back after my last message. She didn't have to. But at the same time, if she was busy or whatever she coulda said so.

I'm just asking for help, mate. If anyone has been in this position before and can offer some help on the matter....

Let's get some more context:

How long were you together?

What was all the arguing about toward the end?

Why did she move 400 miles away? Is her family there?

Did you get this plan from a break-up coach or something? It sounds straight of a Get-Your-Ex-Back! program.

 

I don't see how this is moving in the direction you want when she's cancelled plans to meet and is now out of touch again. At some point, you have got to preserve your own sanity and concede that maybe this really isn't the right girl for you.

 

So no, I would not try to initiate any more contact. She knows how to find you if she doesn't feel scared or confused anymore.

No I did not. Its just what makes sense to me. We had a great relationship which fell apart very quickly due to 1 issue and some arguing. It makes sense to me to repair and reconnect rather than beg or convince. If I asked her now, the answer would be no (I assume). So it makes sense to me to bridge the gap between us first and then try to take action. I still see it as progress as compared to a few months ago. It's only been a couple of days without contact again and there is no obligation for her to reply. Sometimes a friend or colleague doesn't respond and I don't cut of all contact with them! I know she had a busy weekend. I'm waiting for her to let me know when she is free for a call like she said she would. If she doesn't that I have an answer

Let's get some more context:

 

How long were you together?

 

What was all the arguing about toward the end?

 

Why did she move 400 miles away? Is her family there?

13 months together. It's a long story which will take to long to explain so I'll try do it in a sentence or 2 lol. We moved in together too soon and we had an unfortunate situation arise where we were forced to choose from a few ty decisions. Either split up, leave the country or get married and we chose marriage. This created tension on our young relationship. The situation alone made things difficult for us (as it would for most young couples), yet alone making plans as to how we'd survive it. And in the end it caused tension and arguements. She at first blamed this situation on us falling apart and later started to blame me which I don't understand how or why. And yes she moved back to her Dad who she always told me she hates.

She has mentioned that we had 50 years worth of relationship in the 1 year we spent together which was too much for her so she chose the easiest option and bailed. Thanks lol.

She still has feelings for me though and has mentioned that once everything settles down its possible we can reconnect. But I've had months of mixed signals so am confused about it all. Thats why I'm stuck between doing what I'm doing or giving her the 2 options. Yes or no.

Is she from out of country on a visa when you got together? The plot thickens!

Is she from out of country on a visa when you got together? The plot thickens!

Yes indeed! Its a very long story so I'll try keep it short! Her visa and passport were lost in the post so she had to reapply for both. When she filled in the form for her visa she filled it in wrong and got a generic letter to say she had to leave the county. Now 6 months into what we both considered a fairytale relationship, this was pretty terrible news for us both. Hence why we chose the marriage option. To make things even more interesting, I never wanted to get married so this made things even harder. The irony is that I've changed my views on marriage since and do want to one day - preferably under the right circumstances haha, not when 'forced' to do so.

Her Dad and step mom are both also in the UK living on visa's so I left it down to the 3 of them assuming they know all about visa's seeing as they all have one and I don't know anything about them as I've never needed one. After months of her spending all her money on lawyers and making no progress and also seeing her start to fall apart over it all, I decided to take it into my own hands and started doing my own research and I managed to figure it all out. Even went to Home Office with her where they confirmed she is still legal and has nothing to worry about. So basically all the tension and problems between us never existed in the first place but the damage was done and we never recovered from it. She feels like she has to stay with her Dad until she gets her permanent residency at the end of the year. Now this isn't true but she's made that decision and I'm not the kind of person to tell someone what to do.