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Is our friendship ruined?


BB71

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Soooo i could use some advice from the men out there.. (and women if you've been in this situation)

 

To give you the background:

 

I am 28 yrs. I've known this guy..lets call him 'Rob'. Rob and I have been friends since we were 17 years old. We always had this weird chemistry and unspoken thing that we never acted on; partially because i was afraid to mess up the friendship if our chemistry wasn't exactly right and i was just nervous. We've both been in and out of relationships but still remained friends. He has a tendency to date controlling women so one of his long term relationships she ended up making him cut me off in which he ended up breaking up with her shortly after and coming back to me apologizing.

 

We would talk about the people we've dated and/or hooked up with just like friends. We would also FaceTime a lot and talk almost every day (mostly him texting me). Sometimes he would joke and say im in love with youuuu. and i would just shrug it off nonchalantly b/c i never knew to take him seriously. Going on vacations he would blow up my Facebook wall and write "3 days until you're home etc," basically everyone thought we were dating when we weren't. We were basically always having bad luck with timing... i would be in a relationship or he would be or both of us. One time he took care of me when i was sick from drinking too much and he was just a really good guy...he even remembered my phone number (we fought like a couple too at times so pretty sure its because he deleted my number so much lol)

 

anyway....he ended up dating a girl who he ended up marrying and we got into a fight before the engagement and i told him to never talk to me again (the fight was over something stupid and immature) wellllll years later he is now (newly) divorced and he is back in my life once again. he added me on social media and within a couple of weeks we were talking again and met up twice.

 

we went out for drinks the first time (hadn't seen him in 7 yrs) and when someone tried to hit on me he told him "shes with me" he got protective and jealous (in a cute non-controlling way) he ended up kissing me that night..the next day he asked to hang out....we basically picked up where we left off years ago and we were finally single....except now he's newly divorced.. and on the way to pick him up to come over he told me having just gotten out of a 6 year relationship he's not currently looking for anything (OBVIOUSLY) i told him "yeah..were friends" in which he replied almost a little surprised with "yeah..friends"

 

we basically ended up making out and sleeping together. He was really cuddly after and he laughed and admitted he got jealous when the guy hit on me. we both laughed actually. i brought him home and he kissed me good night and did the usual follow up text to make sure i was home and asked if was okay etc. he talked to me all day the next day and wanted to hang out but i had plans......

 

he's been distant ever since and i noticed he posted up a pic of him and a female friend on social media making funny faces in the car. when i asked if he wanted to come over the following weekend he replied that he's away in which i said ahh ok enjoy......he spent the weekend with that girl and also spent this weekend with the girl. i called him out last week asking if he's okay and he asked what i meant. i told him idk i just wanted to make sure were cool and that we didn't cross any lines that we weren't comfortable with because he's been short with me. he told nooooo not at all! my work schedule has changed and im trying to get used to it and on top of that was away for a weekend seeing a friend. i told him okay just making sure and he asked if i was mad. i said not at all.

 

i know he said he wasn't looking for something but considering our history...the fact that he always comes back...told me he was jealous...commented about next time this and next time that (future plans), etc. i am way confused. I feel like this is a Ross and Rachel type deal and just really bad timing..

 

he knows with our history i can get jealous at times so the night we got drinks he was texting someone and i casually looked at him and then looked away and he told me was talking to his friend lets call her "brittany" (the girl he hung out with over the weekend)i said ohh not surprised in a joking way and he said ohh shut up and waved his hand as if its nothing with her. my first thought of the pic was they're just friends making stupid faces...then he posted another pic last night with them which was also my birthday and he wished me a "happy birthday!!!" late last night......made me think whats the point if you basically stopped texting me after we saw each other 3 wks ago?

 

 

HELP

 

do i let him come to me? do i tell him how i feel? i have no idea...now i feel our whole friendship is ruined.

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Is your friendship ruined? I dont think so. I mean you guys were out of touch for 7 years. It sounds like hes always known you had a crush on him and decided to go for it after his divorce. Kind of an a**hole move.

 

I hate to be a negative nelly, but no one is going to complicate a friendship they value just to get some nooky. He knew before hand it was just sex, you on the otherhand had a years long crush and jumped at the opportunity hoping it meant more. Again, it was an a**hole move on his part, but the friendship is only ruined if you want it to be. If you can go back to being friends who speak every few years by all means continue, if not, between you and me, its not much of a loss. What he did was incredibly selfish.

 

Do not contact him. He will probably come sniffing around when he wants to get laid again, if thats the case, you have your answer. If he comes around to ask you to hang out for lunch, or with your group, its safe, anything late night ABORT.

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Is your friendship ruined? I dont think so. I mean you guys were out of touch for 7 years. It sounds like hes always known you had a crush on him and decided to go for it after his divorce. Kind of an a**hole move.

 

I hate to be a negative nelly, but no one is going to complicate a friendship they value just to get some nooky. He knew before hand it was just sex, you on the otherhand had a years long crush and jumped at the opportunity hoping it meant more. Again, it was an a**hole move on his part, but the friendship is only ruined if you want it to be. If you can go back to being friends who speak every few years by all means continue, if not, between you and me, its not much of a loss. What he did was incredibly selfish.

 

Do not contact him. He will probably come sniffing around when he wants to get laid again, if thats the case, you have your answer. If he comes around to ask you to hang out for lunch, or with your group, its safe, anything late night ABORT.

 

Sorry OP but I basically have to agree fully with this comment. I often find that what people find difficulty with is understanding that if someone actually wants to be with them, they will be with them. This idea of "bad timing" I think can in many cases not bad timing at all, it's actually deliberate on someone's part. Your friend "Rob" may like you as a friend and find you attractive and therefore has always flirted with you or got jealous of other guys. I don't think it necessarily means that he has any feelings for you because if he did, he would have made it known to you a long time ago. I mean he can still enjoy flirting with you because it's fun to have sexual tension but doesn't mean he wants to date you.

 

I think in this case he contacted you again coz he's upset about his marriage break-up and he knows you always had a thing for him so he knew he could get companionship and attention from you. He obviously wanted to sleep with you so got jealous when another guy was competition so fobbed him off so he could get with you instead. Just coz someone is jealous doesn't mean they're crazy for you, jealousy is just a normal primal emotion. People can be jealous even of just their friend with benefits getting othet attention because nobody likes to feel like they're not number one.

 

I'm sorry but in my opinion Rob is a bit selfish because while he may not have meant to hurt you deliberately but he's just using you, even if subconsciously. I mean in a sense he did say to you that he just wants sex because he said he's "not looking for anything". Then he just started hanging out with/seeing another girl. I mean you didn't even hear from him for seven years so how much could he have really cared about your friendship?

 

Honestly I think you may be better off to just be acquainces because it's clear you've always been hoping you and Rob would date but I don't think it's going to happen after all this time. I mean you could sleep with him again if you're OK with just sex but why waste your time when there are lots of other guys out there for you to date?

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He told you he wasn't looking for anything. He told you he just got out of a marriage.

That was your cue to either tell him' look, I actually like you and want to make a go of this. If you are interested, get back to me when you are available and interested in that too' or whatever it is you wanted to tell him.

I agree it's not the nicest thing to come sniffing around for sex like he did. A friend- an actual friend- would not do that.

But it seems more of a case of mutual attraction over the years, but no real interest on his part to ever take it further than that. This was his opportunity to finally sleep with you, and he did, now he's good.

 

Sorry if that hurts to hear. But he told you straight up he wasn't looking for a relationship. Other than saying 'I am looking for a roll in the hay' , it doesn't get any clearer than that .

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What friendship? A real friend would not demote you to a friend with benefits. This guy turned out to be a user. And you enabled him. In my opinion, you seriously need to take a step back and consider your actions. You are not in high school any more nor are you the star of a rom com. If I got the timing right, you went ahead and slept with him after he had delivered the "not currently looking for anything" line and kept falling back to the dysfunctional "we're friends" pattern that is totally inauthentic and has kept you stuck in this mess all the previous years. Why?

 

In my opinion, you have gotten your answer. This guy was never really seriously into you. Had he been, he would not have demoted you to a friend with benefits. You two are not compatible, hence all the failures to align.

 

Having said the above, your behaviour has been part of this messy pattern. Sleeping with him after he told you he was not looking for anything and sticking to the "we re friends" charade indicate emotional unavailability in my opinion. Why keep sabotaging yourself like that?

 

You now have your answer. You even slept together and still nothing progressed. Drop the time waster and move on.

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Yes, I was thinking along the same lines as Clio. To treat you like a one-night stand and a rebound was not cool. I would like to know what your arguments were about in the past because they often gives clues about what is going on in a relationship. It's obvious you care a lot more about him than he does about you. Instead of a wonderful love story I thought you were leading up to, it became something cheap.

 

You have a lot of history together, so he'll probably be in touch again, but only treat him as a friend. Don't sleep with him again. And give up any notion of being togeher.

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Clio,

 

Do I think she was being a bit naive? Yeah, she was, but what kind of guy takes a girl he knows had a thing for him for 10+years and uses that to his advantage? I know the argument of 'well she allowed it' will pop up and before it starts, I know, I get it, I just don't agree that he has zero responsibility in not taking advantage of this situation. Again, a**hole move.

 

She had an optimistic view of the guy, it happens, we all have that one guy or girl from when we were young and idealistic. You're telling me you wouldn't turn into mush if your high school crush, or the one that got away walked into the door turning the charm on?

 

I guess I must be weak minded cause I can honestly say Id have a hard time staying objective and keeping my head from floating into the clouds.

 

And I know if I just went through a blow like that, I'd appreciate some compassion. Cause ouch, that would take me out, no question.

 

Just food for thought. Lord knows I can dole out some harsh advice, and I'm not saying anything you said isn't true, just yeah, this ones gonna hurt a lot more than a random dude in a bar.

 

10+ years.

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This guy is not much of a friend to you, OP.

 

You're the fall-back girl, the one who will receive him with open arms when he hasn't got another date lined up. Look, if he'd truly wanted anything with you, he'd have made that more than clear by now.

 

He's pursuing other options. That should tell you all you need to know, so you stop wasting your time with him. He doesn't come to you for the right reasons and it's time you saw him for who he truly is.

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He's using you for sex and someone to lean on through his divorce. He's playing the field and backtracking through the black book to see's whose still single and available and you fell for it.

he is now (newly) divorced and he is back in my life once again. we basically ended up making out and sleeping together. he's been distant ever since and i noticed he posted up a pic of him and a female friend on social media
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Clio,

 

Do I think she was being a bit naive? Yeah, she was, but what kind of guy takes a girl he knows had a thing for him for 10+years and uses that to his advantage? I know the argument of 'well she allowed it' will pop up and before it starts, I know, I get it, I just don't agree that he has zero responsibility in not taking advantage of this situation. Again, a**hole move.

 

Where in my post does it say that "he has zero responsibility" ? It sounds to me like you took my post a little too personally...

 

The OP is 28 not 18. If a woman at that age can't keep her head from "floating into the clouds" after a guy - any guy- delivers her the "not currently looking for anything" line, one of the oldest and cheapest cop outs in the book, then she better wake up fast or she is in for some major disappointments in her life and yes, she does have responsibility towards herself to rethink her reasoning processes. You are entitled to your opinion. I am entitled to mine. Personally, if I was making "this is a Ross and Rachel type deal and just really bad timing" assumptions in such a scenario at 28, I would appreciate being knocked some sense into me.

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P.S. Having said all the above, OP I do apologize for being blunt. I am very sorry that this happened to you. This guy does not deserve you and he certainly does not deserve your friendship. Hence, I hope you move on soon. There are much better guys than him out there.

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Thanks everyone. As much as I feel used and basically realize I’ve been used.. I have known this guy for years and I saw him through the Good and the bad and everyone and his mother knew he had feelings for me lol. My naivety comes in because I thought he would continue to be the person I grew up knowing. I thought we were just picking up where we left off. He constantly tried to date me when we were younger and I was afraid to pursue something. Unfortunately..., we change. And I realize and accept that now. He’s no longer the person that I thought I knew.

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Where in my post does it say that "he has zero responsibility" ? It sounds to me like you took my post a little too personally...

 

The OP is 28 not 18. If a woman at that age can't keep her head from "floating into the clouds" after a guy - any guy- delivers her the "not currently looking for anything" line, one of the oldest and cheapest cop outs in the book, then she better wake up fast or she is in for some major disappointments in her life and yes, she does have responsibility towards herself to rethink her reasoning processes. You are entitled to your opinion. I am entitled to mine. Personally, if I was making "this is a Ross and Rachel type deal and just really bad timing" assumptions in such a scenario at 28, I would appreciate being knocked some sense into me.

 

Haha the irony is. I originally said, 'yikes Clio, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were taking this personally and using this poster as a punching bag for your own issues'. but I edited it, because I didn't want to come off rude.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, just saying I read this as situational, he was 'that guy' for her. It's a big blow.

 

But you're right, we think differently. Don't mean to step on toes. I apologize.

 

Carry on.

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Thanks everyone. As much as I feel used and basically realize I’ve been used.. I have known this guy for years and I saw him through the Good and the bad and everyone and his mother knew he had feelings for me lol. My naivety comes in because I thought he would continue to be the person I grew up knowing. I thought we were just picking up where we left off. He constantly tried to date me when we were younger and I was afraid to pursue something. Unfortunately..., we change. And I realize and accept that now. He’s no longer the person that I thought I knew.

 

It sucks but now you know. He showed his true colors. Onward and upward.

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Thanks everyone. As much as I feel used and basically realize I’ve been used.. I have known this guy for years and I saw him through the Good and the bad and everyone and his mother knew he had feelings for me lol. My naivety comes in because I thought he would continue to be the person I grew up knowing. I thought we were just picking up where we left off. He constantly tried to date me when we were younger and I was afraid to pursue something. Unfortunately..., we change. And I realize and accept that now. He’s no longer the person that I thought I knew.

 

I doubt he has changed, what has changed is your perception of him. Yes, there might have been some sexual tension, but on his part it could have just been shallow curiosity rather than any real interest in you as a romantic partner. Like it or not, if he seriously saw you as a partner, things would have been different between you long ago. You mentioned yourself that he tended to choose women who are very domineering and controlling - that should have been your clue that he has some issues and is choosing those women to suit himself and whatever issues he has, aka he was never a healthy partner potential. Now he is divorced and acted like a jerk to you. Probably best to let him and all this history go for good.

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Where in my post does it say that "he has zero responsibility" ? It sounds to me like you took my post a little too personally...

 

The OP is 28 not 18. If a woman at that age can't keep her head from "floating into the clouds" after a guy - any guy- delivers her the "not currently looking for anything" line, one of the oldest and cheapest cop outs in the book, then she better wake up fast or she is in for some major disappointments in her life and yes, she does have responsibility towards herself to rethink her reasoning processes. You are entitled to your opinion. I am entitled to mine. Personally, if I was making "this is a Ross and Rachel type deal and just really bad timing" assumptions in such a scenario at 28, I would appreciate being knocked some sense into me.

 

+1. Op, you wanted men to reply so here it is. You gave him an opening, and he finally took it. He didn't deceive you, and you went in "eyes open". If there was a meaning to why you chose to sleep with him, then you should have made it clear before it happened.

 

There is no "good/bad" person in this case. You're still friends, unless this was all about trying to be with him.

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