Can spanking vs not spanking kids contribute to a possible break-up?

I'm not looking forward towards getting married to my long-distance bf anymore and I've already informed him. There were a couple red flags (many I would try hard to overlook) I haven't been very comfortable with but this statement of his was so deep that I'll never forget:

''If you don't spank them, they'll grow up being criminals, murderers and rapists. You gotta hit them. What do you prefer, discipline or no discipline''.

Needless to say that broke my heart more than any other flaw he may have had. I'm a believer that you can discipline a child without resulting to spanking, which to me is hitting. I fail to understand how does not spanking equals to no discipline.

Needless to say this is what put the final nail in the coffin for me. Apart from this, he had previously placed the condition that he would marry me if I was a good cook; my cooking wasn't good enough.

My azz would be gone.

My azz would be gone.

I agree that physical discipline results in children learning that if someone does something you don't like you should hit them.

We didn't spank our kids. I had the "Mom Glare" that was very effective. Never hit the kids, and neither of them is a rapist, murderer or criminal. In fact, they are nice young adults with college degrees and careers.

Fortunately their dad shared the "no hitting" opinion with me.

Seems like your fiance thinks in extremes, black or white, wrong or right. How is he with compromise?

My son was not hit and he is not a criminal or rapist. He is a very peaceful human being.

''If you don't spank them, they'll grow up being criminals, murderers and rapists. You gotta hit them. What do you prefer, discipline or no discipline''.

There's a difference between a one swat on the butt and hitting a child.

Criminals, murders, and rapists all have one thing in common: they were abused in the past. I have worked with troubled teens who have been verbally and physically abused, and were hit often by their own parents or legal guardians (a sign of lack of parenting). Instead it has taught them to seek out negative attention through inappropriate behaviors because to them, that's how adults interact with children.

Discipline should involve giving the child the opportunity to think about their misbehavior and appropriate consequence. Good parenting is being a mentor and guiding our kids to make better decisions for themselves based on the mistakes they make. It should be treated as a teachable moment. Time outs to de-escalate behaviors are often easily implemented than resorting to a spank. I would consider a swat for extreme offenses (i.e. physically hurting others) than for minor issues (that's how I was raised, but I was not overly punished or abused).

It seemed as if he wouldn't compromise too much. He used to shove his ''now do you believe in god'' mantra on me several times. It's like he had to be right in many things, even challenging me that I'm wrong for celebrating Christmas since I'm an atheist. Overall, he seemed to displayed a couple controlling traits and I used to force myself to agree with him, even if it meant compromising my own values and ideas.

His extreme pro-spanking beliefs and not even considering other options was my limit. Under no circumstances would I have ever compromised on that. There was no way I would have let anyone hit my future kids as a form of ''discipline''.

Deciding how to raise children is something a couple should absolutely agree on. It can make or break a relationship and a child can be very confused and even use it against the parents as a reason to act up. My parents both believed in physical discipline. It only took one or two spankings for me to get my act together. After that my dad had a look and that’s all it took for me to get my act together.

Some children respond to methods other than physical discipline, some do not. I have step children so I am not allowed to physically discipline them, although my husband does. I inherited my dad’s voice and the glare and I’ve learned to use them well.

There’s a thin line between spankings and abuse and some people do cross it. I believe we were given a butt for sitting and spanking when needed. It doesn’t go any further than that.

He used to shove his ''now do you believe in god'' mantra on me several times. It's like he had to be right in many things, even challenging me that I'm wrong for celebrating Christmas since I'm an atheist.

It's very clear you both have incompatible values working here. However he seems to be very misinformed on using punishment on children. Because he also seems very set in his way, I doubt you can get him to listen.

I agree Snny, no amount of talking would have get him to listen. Instead I'm the one that had to listen to him because he's right almost all the times.

To get an idea of how our long-distance relationship was:

Last year he was very demanding on foods and the various cooking styles. According to him, he already knows a lot more than me and expected me to be at his level or higher.

A very long while back (way back March 2017) one of our extensive arguments, in which he kept raising his voice on the messenger was about me not washing the green basil and green spinach before cutting them (I used to cut the leaves and then wash them) for the green spaghetti. When I expressed my frustration, he hung up on me.

By now I'm aware those were red flags but since we would reconcile afterwards, I thought things would improve but apparently not. So yes, his extreme views on spanking kids was something I couldn't agree with.

I don't strike people a fraction of my size on principle. Grandma raised 13 kids without spanking them. My fiancee knows that unless it's slapping a hand out the way of a burner or something similar, hitting our future kids is off the table. If she were to insist on it, I'd be out, even after this long.

Exactly j.man. The only time should be as you stated, to slap a toddler's hand away from a hot stove or anything dangerous.

Ironically, I was spanked (I call it hit) with a belt by my father as a little kid but I turned against it. I hated it and still hate that it had to be done with an object. It used to be done mainly out of frustration or in anger. My soon to be ex (since I'm no longer interest in kids nor marriage with him) came from a similar background where he got spanked with a belt or stick.

Needless to say, I feel nothing but disgust on needing to use an object or your hands to strike a very small person because that's what a small child is.

Why are you marrying this guy if you dont want to?

My mother was a hitter, she had a wooden spoon and didnt hesitate to use it. I grew up hating her and I have no wooden spoons in my house, the sight of them makes me cringe.

However, there is a big difference between hitting (especially with an oject) and a swat on the butt. My kids got swats on the butt, they were never hit with a hand or an object. If a child runs out in front of a car, a stern talking to and a swat on the butt is ok in my opinion. Walloping them with a belt or wooden spoon or a hand, really hard, on the face, head etc is not alright.

That said I am not a criminal, I know right from wrong and so do my kids. They arent criminals either.

Why are you marrying this guy if you dont want to?

I'm grateful to have found out on time what he would have been like.

Technically using an object to hit anyone is considered assault. That is abuse.

I don't strike people a fraction of my size on principle. Grandma raised 13 kids without spanking them. My fiancee knows that unless it's slapping a hand out the way of a burner or something similar, hitting our future kids is off the table. If she were to insist on it, I'd be out, even after this long.

J.Man

From "my lady" to "fiancee"... Congratulations!

Forgive me, thread mates. Couldn't resist.

You know, the issue isn't spanking. It seems your bf has been picking fights with you to try to get you to break up with him and now he has done it. Back in April, people were pretty sure this guy had been lying to you for years about marrying you and getting citizenship. Then he picked a big fight with you over cooking. He was just looking to get you angry enough to get you to go away. And I've never heard of anyone getting citizenship in two months. It's a very long, involved process costing at least $10,000 and taking 10 years. He's probably been spending his money on booze rather than citizenship.

Just block him, delete him, stop talking to him. Get over him and do what you want to do with your life.

Depending on where you are it's considered child abuse. You haven't seen him in 11 Years. Don't worry about his opinions.

Ever since I've been in Peru (due to voluntary departure) since May 2007, he has never sent any gift .

He sounds like a douche and you two are incompatible. You did good on putting a stop on this mess.

I agree Snny, no amount of talking would have get him to listen. Instead I'm the one that had to listen to him because he's right almost all the times.

 

To get an idea of how our long-distance relationship was:

Last year he was very demanding on foods and the various cooking styles. According to him, he already knows a lot more than me and expected me to be at his level or higher.

A very long while back (way back March 2017) one of our extensive arguments, in which he kept raising his voice on the messenger was about me not washing the green basil and green spinach before cutting them (I used to cut the leaves and then wash them) for the green spaghetti. When I expressed my frustration, he hung up on me.

What the hell?

It hard to understand why you have arguments like this with someone you haven't seen in 11 YEARS. Also you are barred from ever entering the US again, so why even communicate with him?

Last year he was very demanding on foods and the various cooking styles. When I expressed my frustration, he hung up on me.

I completely agree with you, OP. You don't ever need to raise your hand to a child in order to discipline them. It's not necessary and it teaches your child to fear you.

Old school generations believed you had to instill fear in a child in order for them to behave and to listen...its' not true. If you parent correctly, teach them manners, respect and talk to them when they've been bad..it will work far better then smacking them.

I would have come to the same conclusion as you and would have left a man had he insisted that hitting my babies would have been a good thing to do.

There is another thread where you discuss your father beating your mother and question whether wife-beating "is normal in Peru?". This has nothing to do with this Nicaraguan guy you haven't seen in over a decade. This has to do with sorting out the abuse at the hand of your child-beating wife-beating father. Hopefully you have moved out and gotten therapy for this. It's not about this guy. Most people don't beat their wives or kids with belts. You can choose that as well. Why waste your time debating it with this guy?

I was hit with a belt by my father as a little kid