Coworkers - Tattletale, Undermining

Hello ENA,

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced undermining or tattletaling in the work place, potentially because of youth or inexperience. If it matters, I am male, 23 years-old. I am young new employee (full-time, 5 months in). I am a class from my Master's degree and I am my boss's executive assistant.

I've made a few mistakes on the job, but nothing life-threatening or super big. Regardless, I take those mistakes hard. I bet others have too. I was in a funk for a bit so my brain felt fogged - not able to sleep well, etc. so I may have made a few mistakes because of that. I am eager to continue learning and I feel that recently I have performed well. I've been taking lots of the calls and I process a good portion of the customer/resident at-the-counter services. It's nice to feel like I'm pulling my weight.

Recently, someone who is essentially the "assistant manager" or "associate manager" (second in command, though not my boss) has been tattling on me to my boss. We'll call her M. "PDN5 came in just after 7:00 a.m. today. PDN5 made (little mistake xyz)." My boss talked to me about those little things, and I said I would make an effort to fix it. I did and let her know (but others aren't held to the same standard). Others do not receive this treatment. This coworker had my position previously, if that matters. I don't understand the tattling, because I often defer to M, ask for advice at times, and switch lunch schedules with her when it is convenient for her.

Recently, also, a part-time coworker treats me disrespectfully. We'll call her P. She condescendingly talks to me and assumes I make all the mistakes. She tattles on me too: this past Thursday there were residents at the counter and so me and another co-worker who work the front were holding down the front and the phone calls (we're all supposed to take the phone calls). The other coworker called her over to handle a situation I initially started. A resident had an issue with her ID and so we called P over because she helps with issues related to that. I immediately got a phonecall. P, without checking the software I pulled up, without asking the resident, without asking me, assumed I made a very stupid, illegal per election law (honestly, the software wouldn't let me make the mistake even if I wanted to) mistake. Instead of taking minimal effort to check the software already pulled up or asking me or the resident, she fumbled around, and then while on the phone (the only reason I know she blamed me) she was complaining loudly about me in the back of the office. "He did illegal action x and now we're not able to find the application." She was repeating this, then told M, who told my boss. After I was done with the call I explained that I did not do the against the law mistake, and that I don't know where that was coming from (I was a little upset, my tone probably reflected that - unfair that now the whole office thinks I did something stupid when she didn't even ask me first). After I again heard another random complaint (I was seething) I thought enough and reported her to my boss.

Before someone claims I am a tattletale, I endured a lot of tattletaling and disrespect/condescension from those two, especially P (once in front of another resident), never once reporting her, and so I had enough (who knows what they say about me when I'm not around). I finally stood up for myself. My boss brouht her in after I explained, and P talked herself into a slight hole. Made me look good and I bet she was embarrassed. She was asked to apologize - she did. But then she brought in a copy of something she claimed I did wrong on the software (I have no recollection of doing the misaction on the software - I know I'm not supposed to press the button, maybe I was still logged in and someone else did it (lol like her, maybe)). I played it off and said it was possible, but I know I'm not supposed to press the button.

Anyways, I am wondering why the hostility exists. Is it because I'm young? Am I projecting a young / inexperienced image? Is it the few mistakes? Did I allow this toxicity to go on for too long? Is it because (I'm sorry, I'm just asking, please don't go after me for this) I am in a workplace with middle-aged women as a 23 year-old guy? I just don't understand what I did to deserve the tattletaling and undermining. I just want to work hard, get paid, and go home. Maybe I don't want to have hostility with my co-workers, but I want to do my job, not chitchat until 7:30 a.m. (funny I'm reported for being just on time or a little after a few times, but the chitchat isn't working and happens for so long - I get right to work). I could probably spend time getting to know them better but do I have to work hard to be in their "in-crowd"? That sounds exhausting - I just want to do my job.

I'm a middle-aged woman in the workplace, and I work with 20-somethings like yourself. Very smart, hard-working. Guess what the best of 'em do....they try to fit in to the already existing organization.

You say you don't want to have "chitchat" to fit in with their "in-crowd". When you work in a group of people, a large part of the work is the team. The co-workers. Getting to know them, letting them get to know you. Fitting in. Assimilating to their environment. It's a much more important piece than you'd think.

Many of my really good friends at work are 30 years younger than I am. We talk about work issues, they call me to vent, and we talk about who's winning on the Bachelorette. Guess what I do? I talk them up to my boss every chance I get.

Many of my work friends are 20 years older, as I've known them for years, and most in that age group are retired now. I still consider them friends, and we still keep in touch via Facebook and occasional lunches.

I was like you once: right out of college, eager to earn my way. I super quickly learned that all these people who were 10, 20, 30 years older than I was had something in common: a career trajectory and level of success that I wanted. I learned that the best way to work with them was....well, to work with them. Do things before I was asked. Try and figure out my mistakes before anyone else did. Own up to my mistakes as soon as they were pointed out. And yes, join them for lunch when they asked. I still keep in touch, 30 years later, with some of these great people that I got to know in my 20's, and many helped me along my way.

My point is this: get to know people. Ask them questions. Listen to their answers. Ask for help. If someone points out a mistake, take responsibility and let them know you're on it. Get to know someone's favorite Starbuck's drink so you can bring it back for them. Just be a friend. Don't look at some 50-something person as an old, almost-retired human being who doesn't matter. Good companies value these employees, and you should too. I betcha the undermining/tattletelling will stop.

Sounds like petty office politics combined with undercutting and fears you'll rise above them. Cross your Ts, dot your Is and document. Also make sure your resume and LinkedIn profile are always up to date and professional looking. It helps to know you're not trapped in a position and have the power to leave when you're ready and/or fed up with this catty bs.

These colleagues seem petty and jealous but I think that you should've have talked to them first in private before reporting. Many conflicts can be solved between the involved parties before getting to the higher ranks.

Besides, though you don't like to chit chat, fitting in with the team is a part of working in a team and that makes everything easier.

I'm in another country working and socializing in a language I learned online for a year and in a totally different work culture than the one I was used in my country. It's very difficult but I try to make an effort in being nice and social with my colleagues. There's a colleague that has done some things I disliked and if she does it again I'll talk to her in private.

Anyways, I am wondering why the hostility exists. Is it because I'm young? Am I projecting a young / inexperienced image? Is it the few mistakes? Did I allow this toxicity to go on for too long? Is it because (I'm sorry, I'm just asking, please don't go after me for this) I am in a workplace with middle-aged women as a 23 year-old guy? I just don't understand what I did to deserve the tattletaling and undermining. I just want to work hard, get paid, and go home. Maybe I don't want to have hostility with my co-workers, but I want to do my job, not chitchat until 7:30 a.m. (funny I'm reported for being just on time or a little after a few times, but the chitchat isn't working and happens for so long - I get right to work). I could probably spend time getting to know them better but do I have to work hard to be in their "in-crowd"? That sounds exhausting - I just want to do my job.

Sounds like you lost out on the "Decent Workplace" lottery. Unfortunately it's hit-and-miss that the place you end up working at as decent, emotionally mature people.

It could be any number of reasons, but the main thing you need to concern yourself with is yourself, and you can address that by asking a number of questions;

Do you feel as if you are doing the job to the best of your ability? If not, what could you do to improve your performance? Are you implementing those improvements? If not, why not?

Are you treating people with respect at the workplace? If yes, you're fine. If not, why, and what could you do to improve this?

Are you learning from your mistakes?

etc etc etc...

People can be lame. Employers can be lame. Entire businesses can be lame. It's easy to take the BS that comes with them and allow it to effect you, but ultimately as long as YOU know you're doing your best, learning from the experience, treating people right etc, then you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing and you should be proud of that. Coincidentally, you're doing more than what they should be doing, so you should be proud of that also.

If it helps, here's my experience of employment in a hostile / toxic environment.

It was my first job, aged 18. I had no experience in this line of work (retail), and the store sold thousands of technical goods, some of which required a lot of extensive knowledge or to be operated in a certain way for safety reasons. My training was very brief and only really covered the bare minimum for retail work, and when it came to asking for training on how to sell / advertise the goods correctly, I was told to "find out for yourself". At this point in my life I still suffered crippling (social) anxiety, so there's little ol' me trying his best to work in retail, making many MANY mistakes, whilst receiving poor (practically no) support. The staff, particularly the manager, were very happy to openly criticize me in front of myself and even customers (though I should note, this was in their nature as it wasn't just me who had issues), and there were plenty of behind-the-scenes crap being said also.

Anyway, long story short, over time I grew more confident, more knowledgeable, much better at talking / selling to customers and such like. I literally became one of the better staff members there, surpassing people who'd been there longer. Work ethic and not giving a damn about what others think can go along way in terms of personal and professional growth. It got to the point where when I let them know I was soon going to hand in my resignation to go to uni, they did plenty to try and get me to stay. I declined, though did return one summer for some part-time temporary work (they were desperate). Oh, did I forget to mention the entire business (200+ stores) has now shut down and no longer exists?

Case in point; you're young. You're bound to make mistakes, but that's where learning from the experience comes in. If you do that, you grow. If you ignore the nonconstructive criticism, you grow. If you grow, you prosper. If you prosper, you increase in value, and that value will be recognize and lead on to great things.

I didn't read replies.

Fit it. Put on a fake smile and be their friends. Dont make it seem like you suck up but play their game. Learn their game and llay it beyter than they do. Why do you ask??? This is office poletics. Its different from every environment but from the sounds of it you are the only one not playing the game. Easy target and unfortunately your masters degree that you highly regardless won't do squat for you. You dont like how things are going? Switch jobs immediately before your reputation gets ruined in the industry. Again play the game and llay it well, if not switch jobs and again your masters degree dont mean jack squat.

I have 300 employees working for me. I started at the lowest leadership role possible. I run a department now. Trust me play the damn game.

LHGirl,

Thank you for your response.

You say you don't want to have "chitchat" to fit in with their "in-crowd". When you work in a group of people, a large part of the work is the team. The co-workers. Getting to know them, letting them get to know you. Fitting in. Assimilating to their environment. It's a much more important piece than you'd think.

I think it's important too. I'm happy to ask about their favorite coffee brand, what they did over the weekend, making jokes, etc. That's why I've made such good rapport with C and W who sit up front with me. I also do that with M and P, but I get the vibe that M thinks I don't deserve the role I'm in and that P is in her own world and doesn't care - I'm her boogeyman or scapegoat or something. P may also feel like I don't deserve the role I'm in; she often talks to me condescendingly about the simplest of things as if I'm the new summer intern.

Own up to my mistakes as soon as they were pointed out.

I generally do this... I suppose I don't appreciate when I am faulted for mistakes I did not make. And when they are taken to my boss before being clarified with me.

And yes, join them for lunch when they asked.

I typically like my lunches alone, to decompress, however I would happily join them for lunch if they had asked.

Ask for help. If someone points out a mistake, take responsibility and let them know you're on it. Get to know someone's favorite Starbuck's drink so you can bring it back for them. Just be a friend. Don't look at some 50-something person as an old, almost-retired human being who doesn't matter. Good companies value these employees, and you should too. I betcha the undermining/tattletelling will stop.

I could make more of an effort to talk to them in the mornings, I suppose. However, I do not treat 50-somethings as less-than, and I definitely value them (not when they're telling on me, but alas). I feel it's vice-versa.

Wiseman,

Thanks.

Sounds like petty office politics combined with undercutting and fears you'll rise above them. Cross your Ts, dot your Is and document. Also make sure your resume and LinkedIn profile are always up to date and professional looking. It helps to know you're not trapped in a position and have the power to leave when you're ready and/or fed up with this catty bs.

I would like that power back. Since it's my first full-time career-field job, I want it to go well. It pays more than equivalent positions in the area, so leaving would almost guarantee a pay-cut.

I'm very fed up with it, and I want to be respected in my workplace as the professional I am.

Annia,

These colleagues seem petty and jealous but I think that you should've have talked to them first in private before reporting. Many conflicts can be solved between the involved parties before getting to the higher ranks.

 

Besides, though you don't like to chit chat, fitting in with the team is a part of working in a team and that makes everything easier.

 

I'm in another country working and socializing in a language I learned online for a year and in a totally different work culture than the one I was used in my country. It's very difficult but I try to make an effort in being nice and social with my colleagues. There's a colleague that has done some things I disliked and if she does it again I'll talk to her in private.

Thanks. At the point where I went to my boss, my boss had already been reported to about the situation. I had already been "tattled on" and P was talking to the rest of the office about the mistake I had made. I felt disrespected and helpless. I felt elevating to my boss at that point, seeing the condescension and lack of respect, and the fact that the others had already elevated it to my boss, was worth it. I never want to get anyone in trouble, and I would rather help my coworkers fix their mistakes before elevating. I don't think I'm shown the same courtesy, and at that point, I was done. I think I sent a message, but I don't know if it will bode well for me. I am nervous to go into the office tomorrow.

LightWave,

Thanks for your reply.

Do you feel as if you are doing the job to the best of your ability? If not, what could you do to improve your performance? Are you implementing those improvements? If not, why not?

Are you treating people with respect at the workplace? If yes, you're fine. If not, why, and what could you do to improve this?

Are you learning from your mistakes?

etc etc etc...

I think I am trying to do my best. It's a lot -- but I've gained skills in proofing my work, keeping physically written-out to-do lists, and etc. When I see an improvement, I'm implementing it, for sure, and that goes with learning from mistakes. I don't think I've made the same mistake twice. I think I am treating people with respect and with courtesy; though I do not spend a ton of time talking with each coworker. Casual conversation, sure, but not a 6:30 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. conversation, if that makes sense.

Case in point; you're young. You're bound to make mistakes, but that's where learning from the experience comes in. If you do that, you grow. If you ignore the nonconstructive criticism, you grow. If you grow, you prosper. If you prosper, you increase in value, and that value will be recognize and lead on to great things.

I appreciate you sharing your experiences. That sounds tough. I appreciate the quoted advice too.

1tym,

I'll play the game, thanks. It's really mentally exhausting when I have lots of other, personal demons on my plate. To be treated this way in my first job is disheartening and has made me question my skillset and value. I do think there is value in my master's degree, though I do not go around flaunting it -- it was just a point to be made about my qualifications. Still, I admire your success story and will heed your advice.

That is my point. If you got the job you have been deemed qualified for that job, however it may have come, through experience or education. Be confidant but also rralise that in school you were shown a path. Long as you followed that path you were going to be rewarded with a piece of paper saying you are qualified more than someone who doesnt have it. In the real world they dont trach you office poletics. They dont teach you to try to be even keel with coworkers but tried to get noticed so you get that raise instead of your coworkers. They don't teach you that by playing the game right when you do get that taise your coworkers are actually for it than hating on you later. No one teaches you this in the corperate world.

FYI, if they are being condescending and disrespectful, you've already gone to the boss. Most companies have a "no-retaliation" policy, so if anything further continues, it's time to call your HR representative. That's what they are there for.

I appreciate all of your input. As stated in the first post, I had already brought it to the boss. It seems assertive defense had the desired effect, at least superficially. P may not have realized what she was doing when she was treating me like a teenager instead of a professional. She has since actively worked to build rapport and we have gotten along better. That's all I can ask - being cordial at work. Let's hope it continues.