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Girlfriend of an amazing, loving photographer. NEEd advice on jealousy


danay

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Hey,

I'm new here but my therapist told me to try and I'm very desperate. I'm not sure how long these things are supposed to be, but here I go because I am at the end of my rope with my brain and heart not getting along. I'm 23 years old, a social worker. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. After coming out of an extremely emotionally abuse relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic, the trust issues I had were immense. But my current boyfriend is a literal angel- I am so lucky. He is so kind, patient, and absolutely ing loves me. The only problem is is that he is a photographer, and he is so talented. He photographs really famous rappers, musicians, comedians, but also- models. It makes me so ing jealous. At first, it did not bother me. But then my jealousy and insecurities took over and now its literally the only source of tension in our relationship. He is always nothing but professional, but I still get very jealous knowing he is looking at other girls and they are trying to look sexy in front of me. Honestly, the whole thing has made me truly hate women. He is never inappropriate with them and I am the only girl he's had sex with besides his 1st girlfriend from like 5 years ago. So he really is not a sexual being and I know in my brain that he is only trying to make a photo look cool, but my heart and insecurities tell me otherwise and it makes me crazy. I have exploded on him a few times and I can sense he's getting fed up with me. Like it sucks because our relationship is so perfect and lovely and we truly want to be together forever, but I can sense the resentment building up and it makes me hate myself so much. I know he doesn't give a literal about these girls but it drives me wild and makes me hate myself that I get so jealous and angry. I have definitely made some improvements, but I just want to be better and at peace and enjoy this beautiful relationship we have instead of feeding my insecurities and turning it toxic and hating myself for it. Please someone help. I wish there was a miracle cure for this. :upset::upset::upset:

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Well, I think you've picked up some emotional abuse from your ex boyfriend and carried it to this relationship because having insane jealousy and anger that you use to have arguments with your current boyfriend in an attempt to control and manipulate his life is pure emotional abuse. Google emotional abuse and you will see what you're doing. And the end result is he's going to break up with you because basically the only thing that would make you happy is if he gave up his profession. And for most guys, their work is more important than their relationships. It's who they are.

 

I think you need counseling to deal with your jealousy because you're incapable of believing yourself when your brain tells you there's no need to be jealous. You need help and working with a therapist and maybe getting on something like Zoloft for a while can even things out. But believe me, you are driving him to break up with you. You said he's already getting fed up. You are pushing him away. And you have to act fast or he will find someone who understands what he does.

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Jealousy to the point that you hate women is very concerning. This is not really about your boyfriend at all, as you know. You're triggered by his profession, but you have some serious self-loathing to tackle.

 

What does your therapist say about this?

 

For what it's worth, my dad is professional photographer as well, mostly retired now. He too has shot many models over the course of his career. He's also been happily married to my mom for nearly 50 years. A person's job doesn't make a difference if they're committed to you.

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The only problem is is that he is a photographer, and he is so talented. He photographs really famous rappers, musicians, comedians, but also- models. It makes me so ing jealous. At first, it did not bother me. But then my jealousy and insecurities took over and now its literally the only source of tension in our relationship. He is always nothing but professional, but I still get very jealous knowing he is looking at other girls and they are trying to look sexy in front of me. Honestly, the whole thing has made me truly hate women. He is never inappropriate with them and I am the only girl he's had sex with besides his 1st girlfriend from like 5 years ago. So he really is not a sexual being and I know in my brain that he is only trying to make a photo look cool, but my heart and insecurities tell me otherwise and it makes me crazy. I have exploded on him a few times and I can sense he's getting fed up with me.

This is really on you to work on. He's being very professional with his job around the models and has proven that to you. It sounds like he has been in this field before he's met you, and you can't make him give it up. The more you bring up your insecurities, the likely you will drive him away.

 

Have you thought about counseling to work on your issues?

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Your therapist is not doing her job. You need to be worked up by a real doctor for any underlying disorders, such as mood disorders, personality disorders, intermittent explosive disorder, medical, metabolic, hormonal, disorders, etc. A therapist who tells you to go online and blog to resolve your issues is a fool you should get rid of immediately.

my therapist told me..... I have exploded on him a few times and I can sense he's getting fed up with me. I can sense the resentment building up and it makes me hate myself so much.
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If it helps, remind yourself of the definition of 'model' in a general sense: a three-dimensional representation of a person or thing

 

Models are just that; they are objects being used as part of a photo shoot to enhance the appearance of garments, music, interiors... you name it. They aren't trying to look sexy for him, they're just doing a job. As it happens, they're people dressed in a certain way, but they might as well be particularly attractive flower arrangements or some other object that's nice to look at. I used to lead life drawing sessions for hen parties, where the model would always be a virile young hunk - I'd have been horrified if my partner had read anything sexual into it, and I don't think I'd have stayed with him if he had.

 

The other thing is that if your guy is accustomed to photographing models, it's unlikely that he still has any kind of 'WOW' reaction even if he did when he was first starting out. It's just part of his job. I used to feel faintly surprised when my hen party members giggled when the male model removed his robe, but had to remind myself that I've been drawing bodies for years and years, while it was something completely new to them.

 

Whatever, these girls obviously mean a lot more to you than they do to him. Stop regarding them as competition; they are no more competition for you than a fine car would be, or a piece of furniture. Above all, stop hating yourself for being jealous and angry. Instead, discipline yourself so that you look at your reflection in the mirror every morning, and let yourself know that you are wonderful, gorgeous and totally lovable.

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I really appreciate hearing from you especially since your dad was a photographer. I wonder how your mom dealt with the jealousy at first? I would really love to know! I'm not even sure how to work on my self loathing I feel so defeated :(

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I would also like to add that my boyfriend is not 100% innocent. There have been times where I caught him lying and although we have compromised on what makes each other uncomfortable, he still lied to me. That is also why I have such a dark connotation associated with him doing these shoots.

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I'm a licensed social worker who works in the mental health field (inpatient psychiatry) and I do not meet any criteria for any of the disorders in the DSM. However, what do you recommend? A psychiatrist and ask for a hormone blood test?

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Its really hard because he has hurt me in the past too so it makes me confused on how much is me over reacting and how much is a response to him breaking my trust in the past. I'm just really not sure of any girl who would be able to be ok with this. I'm seeing a therapist now but I don't think theres enough structure to the sessions. Do you have any other suggestions? I am really lost and feel so horrible

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Wow, I really appreciate this feedback you are 100% right and I especially value it since you are in a similar field. I am just really having a hard time making my mind and heart be in agreement :( i KNOW all of this is true, but can't seem to get my emotions to believe it. he has lied to me and done some really hurtful things with his job and I think thats why I have a really hard time not associating it with something bad now. I'm really not sure how to fix myself. How do you suggest I discipline myself? Thanks for being so kind. I feel so defeated and lost

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All of the models i have known are 100% professional. they are not going to photographers looking for an encounter and in fact both model and photographer do everything on the up and up, whether they have others present, have a specific time slot that they are sticking to to the T -- whatever it is.

 

If he lied to you about something - was it about a model or something else? was it something standard in the industry that he didn't tell you about because you would freak out on him, but would cost him his job if he didn't do it (photographing an "artistic nude" type of shoot for a makeup advertisement, photographing someone you don't like..)

 

I'm a licensed social worker who works in the mental health field (inpatient psychiatry) and I do not meet any criteria for any of the disorders in the DSM. However, what do you recommend? A psychiatrist and ask for a hormone blood test?

 

Most people do not recognize that they have a problem. I second the recommendation to not self diagnose and to see a psychotherapist.

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