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New Baby and Boundaries with Parents


Snny

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I need advice from posters who are parents or recently new parents.

 

I’m about to deliver my baby in a few weeks. It’s been a very long journey of illness (HG), hospital phobia, making massive adult decisions with baby brain, sleepiness, shortness of breath, etc. I’m ready to get this baby out! I am completely done with being pregnant.

 

Background info:

* Hubs and I bought a house a few weeks ago. It’s the same house we’ve rented for a few years. We are doing some home renovations before the baby.m (new flooring, updating furniture in office/guest room).

* My parents live out of state (3 hrs away), but have a vacation home that is 10 mins away from our house. They are caring for my grandmother who is at a point where she is unable to walk, cannot cook for herself, needs assistance with bathing. (parents refuse to put her in a nursing home to save on inheritance $$).

* My in-laws live overseas. They got visiting visas approved around my due date. My husband has arranged for them to stay at our house. I am not 100% happy about it because our house is not fully renovated to have overnight visitors.

 

So from your perspectives, what boundaries should my husband and I be expected to lay with our families around the arrival of their first grandchild? I really wanted to have the first week of bonding with my baby, settling into my role as a new mother and getting my dog situated with a new pack member (he’s been extremely territorial of me because I’ve been very ill and less active). Unfortunately it’s starting to seem that everyone is super excited to meet the new baby right away! My husband and I had a very long conversation about not having an entourage of family members at the hospital while I’m in labor and how I really need to be as stress-free as possible (everyone will be staying at their respective homes - no waiting room warriors).

 

I don’t want to come across ungrateful or B’y with the help and support I will be receiving. I have no experience caring for an infant beyond taking a CPR class at the hospital already. My husband, who comes from a different culture with close family ties, doesn’t fully understand of me wanting “us” time with the baby before family piles in. I’m nervous of having so many people at once trying to help out and a feud/jealousy breaking out between my family and his. I also don’t want to feel encroached or entertaining people right when I come home from the hospital . I’m afraid that I will be overhelped that it would interfere with my baby bonding process. I need to have these boundaries down so I can have some peace after the baby comes.

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How long are your in-laws going to stay with you?

 

I would not be okay with having them in the house immediately. Would they be willing to stay in a hotel for the first few nights at least, to give you some breathing space? I realize this suggestion is likely to cause conflict, but I also think having them in your home right away will cause even more stress to you and the infant.

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Oh wow, how I can see myself in your shoes down the line

 

My bf comes from an Eastern European family and they are overbearing to put it nicely

 

Honestly and from a nurse's perspective, your health as well as your mental health and the baby's comes FIRST!

 

After a difficult pregnancy, your needs, wants and comfort-ability should be met with little to no hesitancy but I do understand what it's like to have a partner who doesn't understand personal space when it comes to family and the difficulties that come along with that

 

I'll tell you what I would do in your shoes....

 

I wouldn't have my hubby's family come to stay in the same house immediately after the delivery considering you need rest, quite and time to bond alone with the three of you. Plus your house is under renovations so it would be pretty stressful. What to do now that that's already agreed upon? I'm not sure but like I said, you need your down time and I think most people would understand why you want quiet, bonding time with your baby for awhile before any family comes barging in. That's common sense to me. Bottom line, even if this is already the plan, as a new mother and as a woman who has been through a difficult pregnancy, you have the right to ask them to stay in a hotel instead. I would. For sure. Yes, they might be upset, yes your hubby might be upset but guess what??? Your health comes before everyyyyyything else. In order to take care of someone else (which you will be doing around the clock) you need to take care of yourself. It's not fair for anyone to deny you of what you need to do that.

 

Maybe you can plan for another time when the in laws can come visit and stay under the same roof. That way you've shown you're making an effort along with asserting boundaries which are totally reasonable considering all things.

 

I wish you the very, very best. I hope your delivery goes smoothly and you have your personal time with your new baby...as you should :smug: Soon all the hospital and doctors visits will be a distant memory, remember that on your delivery day :D

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I think this is a big mistake. When you get home, you need time to rest. You need about a week to recover all of your strength. And you need quiet time with your baby. You and your husband's lives are going to change greatly and taking care of baby is very stressful, with constant feedings and getting adjusted to a new routine. You will be very sleep-deprived. And your hormones will still be raging. You could have what's called "the baby blues." The last thing you need is a three-ring circus.

 

There is also some concern about being exposed to a lot of germs coming from different people. Your baby will basically have your immunity, but doesn't have a mature immune system yet.

 

The best thing would be to wait a couple of months and schedule the parents to come at different times.

 

If your family won't take no for an answer, I think you should ask a nurse or a doctor for their advice. I think they will tell you something similar. You might have the doctor or nurse talk to your husband to explain this to him.

 

I wish you well and I hope it all works out.

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So... they are planning to stay the first few weeks. I am already praying my baby comes a week early because of this.

 

I have tried talking to my husband about these concerns, but he wouldn’t listen! He sees it as parents are going over to help us care for the baby (my MIL is a nanny back in their home country), cook and clean for us since neither of us have any experience caring for an infant. He comes from a close knit culture that’s all about family support for BIG life changes. I’m seeing this as when do I get my rest and privacy to bond with our baby without feeling like I need to hand the baby off? Am I being over zealous for thinking and feeling this? He seems to think so (culture clash is awesome).

 

I love the hotel idea!! I even suggested they stay at my family’s vacation house if needed, but it could cause a ruckus. My inlaws are poor. Scheduling it for another time when it took them MONTHS and money ($160 per person non-refundable application fee on top of airline cost) to getting a visiting visa approved is out of the question. I have argued repeatedly with my husband about him telling his parent to schedule their visits a month after, but they already went ahead and filed the paperwork in advance! They can’t change the date. Despite my request, I was essentially ignored as if I don’t know what the hell I am talking about. I was (and still am) tiffed about it. My husband has never went against my wishes and the fact that he allowed his family to undermine me has created nasty tensions when I should not be under ANY stress while carrying a child. I’m assuming he’s super anxious about becoming a father (leading back to the fights we had about me selling off my Hot Rod). Hubs working as an ultrasound technician and usually working with patients who are pregnant and have lack of family support may have got to him about this whole thing... I don’t know. He also mentioned his fear of my parents’ being tied up caring for my grandmother, we wouldn’t/shouldn’t expect any support from them other than how they gave some financial support with our new flooring installment (except they also made arrangements to be with us too).

 

So what reasonable boundaries can I lay while they are in my home? And I need to have these discussed with my husband before they come over so that he understands!

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I can tell you after having my son the day I came home I was so so so so tired I couldn’t even string a sentence together. I was glad my mom was there for that because my husband had never even held a baby until his son arrived let alone knew how to look after one. But beyond that I didn’t want people all over me.

 

If I had guests that implied I had to care for them and entertain them. No thanks. I was already looking after someone 24/7 who never slept and needed to nurse every 2 hours 24/7. ( my son was a very high maintenance infant who was very cranky when awake) I was very weak from a major hemorrhage. I needed help but I definitely didn’t want to be smothered or have my child taken over.

 

I don’t know. I am split on the situation because you could need help or you could not.

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My advice is more for your peace of mind rather than what is necessarily “ideal”.

 

You cannot change what you cannot change. There is no sense worrying about it. It sounds like your husband’s parents are coming at that time either way, so I would look for ways to embrace it.

 

Your baby will be fine. Whether there is one person in the house or ten, your baby won’t even understand. You WILL bond with your baby either way. You are mom. You are a familiar voice. You are a source of food. There are tons of babies born in all sorts of conditions all around the world, and all of them bond with mom.

 

I would set the following boundaries:

- no hospital waiting room warriors as you put it. No visits at the hospital at all, actually (unless it’s several days). Since you will have lots of people around a lot shortly afterwards, use this time to bond as a family

- I assume the baby will be sleeping in your room at first. Your room is your sanctuary. No one but your husband should be allowed in that room. When you need to retreat, retreat there. Do try to come out every once in a while, though

- Lean on your husband. His parents are his responsibility. If they need food, or entertaining, or to go do groceries, that’s 100% on him.

- They are there to serve you. Let them cook and clean and do whatever they do. You are not there to serve them.

- Talk to and confide in your parents. The truth is that, with them living so much closer, they WILL end up having a closer relationship to the child than your husband’s parents. So - even if they don’t see the baby as much at first, the scales will balance. Ask them for their patience and understanding.

- Do get your husband and in-laws to prepare a get together with your parents one afternoon in the first week (let them cook for it, clean for it, etc) - you are to do NOTHiNG but take a shower. Lol! Your parents will also want to meet the baby. 2-3 hours is sufficient.

- if they try to tell you what to do with the baby (and they will), just smile and say that you would like to figure things out your own way.

 

... and then just try to be as gracious and warm and welcoming as possible. They will annoy you. Retreat as necessary.

 

Try to remember that everyone is just excited and wants to help. Recognize that you are blessed. “It takes a village to raise a child” is very true. You are very lucky that so many people want to be around you are supportive. Try to remember all that and repeat to yourself “I am blessed” (even if tongue in cheek) whenever you want to rip their heads off. Lol!

 

This too shall pass. Just try to be as happy as possible and have the best possible attitude through it all. THAT is what is best for your baby, IMO, because family harmony and unity is everything.

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Quick couple questions about your inlaws. Who all is coming, how many? How is their English and/or your fluency in their language - basically, is language a barrier for communicating between you and them? How well do you know them and what are the nature of those relationships to start with?

 

It looks like from what you say, them coming and staying in the house is happening and they will not be asked to stay somewhere else for a time. So that's what you have to work with, right?

 

I'm not a parent, you know that. I do have a lot of experience with infants and children. And I have a lot of experience with overstepping family.

 

A few things come to mind. Number one, for a boundary, they are not there to care for the baby. Their role is to support you and your husband as a new mama and papa. Big difference! I get this feeling his mom is going to get there and want to take over as head in charge. If you don't want that, you are going to have to make that clear right now.

 

Second thought was, with intrusive family, sometimes it's helpful to have a coordinator. I'll give an example. When my mom was ill and we were caring for her full time in her home, everybody and their dog was wanting to show up night and day , and everyone had their ideas of what they thought was needed and what we should be doing. Lots of potential there for conflict and overstepping , lots of potential for further exhausting us and even putting moms health in danger .

I sat down with my moms eldest sister, my aunt, whom she was very close to and who had the personality for commanding a group p of people into an organized group. She handled family bs for us so we could concentrate efforts on mom.

 

I don't know if something like that is possible for you? Different situations, I know. But both involve being an exhausted caregiver who just needs support in having an organized space with set boundaries for all who may wish well enough but who can potentially add stress and health concerns without meaning to. Too many want to be bosses , not many take to a downleu supportive role with ease.

 

And considering this is their first grandchild and his mom is a nanny, she very well may be electing herself head of the house. I would not give your hubs the task of keeping order as he has ignored your wishes already ( I'm so sorry about that). I'd choose a female you are close to - if it can't be your mom, maybe a friend or cousin or anyone really who you explicitly trust to have your back in your role and how you wish to be a mom and what you need.

 

Having a room that is just for you, baby, and dad is a great idea too. You need some privacy. Some escape . Some people thrive in being surrounded 24-7 by people, others don't. My mom loved people around all the time, and that's how I grew up, raised by two extremely extroverted and community cantered parents. Whereas for me, I find that suffocating.

It has its pros and it's cons, and if handled , your baby may get to have that balance of both!

 

Wishing you the very very best.

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I'd say it is a very bad idea to have relatives living with you in your own home while you are coming home from the hospital and starting your new family life together as mommy, daddy and baby. You'll want the space to figure out your own routine, bond with the baby. You'll be dealing with the stress of late night feedings. Outsiders will absolutely get in teh way, cross lines, get on your nerves, do things you don't like without even meaning to. You'll have to go to your own room and lock the door to get away. Let them stay in that nearby vacation home or a hotel. You've should have put your foot down and refused this immediately and told your husband no and been firm.

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I'm not sure why this will even be an issue. Just do you and look after your baby and getting the rest you need and more likely then not, your mother-in-law will be there to take up the slack.

 

Don't make this an issue until it is one, I say. If there is any "boundary crossing" or something that ticks you off then kindly tell her that you can handle "that" and then tell her how much you appreciate what she has been doing and would she mind doing some laundry (or whatever needs doing) for you while you do "that."

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I would not have been ok at all with having anyone including relatives staying at my house. Are they all vaccinated -including for whooping cough? For example. But that's just me - I do know of people who do this. I didn't let anyone except immediate family hold the baby until he was about 5 months old and then sparingly (meaning our parents could and my sibling -husband is an only child). We had a massive flu epidemic when he was born and they didn't yet have a vaccine nor could infants get the vaccine so, nope. It was tense sometimes but I held my ground. Also no shoes on in the house. As far as labor and delivery it was just me and my husband and maybe my mother who took me to the hospital when I was in labor. My amazing inlaws came in after the birth and I love them and loved having them there.

 

I had some visitors those first few weeks including a well meaning friend who walked in and said "ok where should I wash my hands to hold the baby" (he was two weeks old -when she had her baby she had no friends visit the first 3 months lol).

 

Also you don't know if he'll be born with any complications -mine had a fever and was in the NICU for a day or so so even more so I didn't want people around him. We all have our own boundaries.

 

Also I strongly suggest the basic baby/parenting classes right now - not just CPR. They are helpful (but tell your husband not to do what my husband did and turn the baby doll's head all the way round a la the Exorcist - luckily the teacher didn't see lol). I took those classes plus got certiified in infant CPR some months later.

 

You will be fine. If you are feeling like people in your house won't be ok, you're in charge. Speak up now. IMHO.

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Dont tell anyone other than hubby when you go into labour and head to the hospital. Nobody needs to know beyond you two. This will eliminate relatives at the hospital.

 

You do need some boundaries when you get home, you should negotiate with your husband what you are willing to put up with and not willing to put up with. If you have a difficult birth and/or c section the last thing you need is a house full of relatives. Even if it's the easiest birth ever, you will still be so tired.

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So... they are planning to stay the first few weeks. I am already praying my baby comes a week early because of this.

 

I have tried talking to my husband about these concerns, but he wouldn’t listen! He sees it as parents are going over to help us care for the baby (my MIL is a nanny back in their home country), cook and clean for us since neither of us have any experience caring for an infant. He comes from a close knit culture that’s all about family support for BIG life changes. I’m seeing this as when do I get my rest and privacy to bond with our baby without feeling like I need to hand the baby off? Am I being over zealous for thinking and feeling this? He seems to think so (culture clash is awesome).

 

I love the hotel idea!! I even suggested they stay at my family’s vacation house if needed, but it could cause a ruckus. My inlaws are poor. Scheduling it for another time when it took them MONTHS and money ($160 per person non-refundable application fee on top of airline cost) to getting a visiting visa approved is out of the question. I have argued repeatedly with my husband about him telling his parent to schedule their visits a month after, but they already went ahead and filed the paperwork in advance! They can’t change the date. Despite my request, I was essentially ignored as if I don’t know what the hell I am talking about. I was (and still am) tiffed about it. My husband has never went against my wishes and the fact that he allowed his family to undermine me has created nasty tensions when I should not be under ANY stress while carrying a child. I’m assuming he’s super anxious about becoming a father (leading back to the fights we had about me selling off my Hot Rod). Hubs working as an ultrasound technician and usually working with patients who are pregnant and have lack of family support may have got to him about this whole thing... I don’t know. He also mentioned his fear of my parents’ being tied up caring for my grandmother, we wouldn’t/shouldn’t expect any support from them other than how they gave some financial support with our new flooring installment (except they also made arrangements to be with us too).

 

So what reasonable boundaries can I lay while they are in my home? And I need to have these discussed with my husband before they come over so that he understands!

 

What reasonable boundaries would you like to implement? Considering you shouldn't have your in laws there in the first place so you can rest, I think most boundaries are fair game!

 

Are there any rooms in the house that you want all to yourself and the baby? Such as your master bedroom? Maybe tell them your bedroom, where you get your peace and quiet (unless there's an emergency), no one is to enter.

 

When you take naps do you want quiet? If so, tell them no ruckus whatsoever.

 

When do you want your baby all to yourself? ANYTIME you want your baby all to yourself is when you anyone will pass him/her off to you no questions asked.

 

Maybe set up a schedule. How many hours of sleep you want, how many hours with your baby do you want, how much quiet time, how much time with only your hubby, the baby and you? You set it up and everyone will just have to follow suit. It might be difficult to set up a schedule considering establishing a schedule with an infant can be tricky so you can also implement other guidelines (anything you can imagine) to make sure you get your rest and baby time.

 

I'm sorry your hubby isn't understanding how serious your recovery is, my bf would be the same because of his family. I can see how hard it would be to try to get him to understand what a delicate time this is. Considering your hubby isn't willing to budge, it's time to implement rules, guidelines etc etc so you can recover and spend precious time with your baby.

 

If your hubby does not agree to the terms, do you think you can go spend time with your parent's at their vacation home? Not out of spite, but out of concern for your health. Talk to him about that. If you do feel it might be a break for you and a smart move, tell him you're considering it.

 

Again, none of your concerns are out of line. I would feel the same if I were you, as would most new, stressed out, tired mothers.

 

Best of luck, as always :smug:

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As Batya said, are your in laws vaccinated?

 

Whooping cough (pertussis)

 

Exposure to the flu, any other illnesses?

 

Especially living abroad, you need to be very careful.

 

Make sure they get a flu vaccine along with a DTaP as far in advance as they can

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To answer some questions:

 

Yes - My husband agreed to have his family get visiting visas to come over. He believes that any support we can get (especially from his family) is better than NO support. Since I've been pregnant, I've noticed how my husband is trying to take charge and override some decisions. In some ways it's been awesome... but other ways, it's been close to a power struggle between us because our dynamic has changed! I have been the main decision maker in the house, but because I am have been extremely ill and hospitalized on and off at the beginning of my pregnancy... something's changed. He's stepping up to make decisions FOR me. From buying a home, to getting me to sell off my Hot Rod (I am slowly conceding but still have hesitance), to dictating who comes to help support us right after the arrival of the baby. He comes from a culture where it's typically the women who are the decision makers of the household.

 

No - I don't know if their vaccinations are up-to-date. I never thought of that and will be asking my husband this tonight so he can contact family. Thank you for the heads up!

 

Yes - I do have a main place of refuge in my house and the baby will be sleeping in the master bedroom.

 

My main fear is how controlling his mother can be. She's a very nice lady who means very well, I met his family in his home country a couple years back when staying over a week, but she is the dominant force of the household. She makes all the decisions and no one questions it. THAT is where my real fear is... her trying to do this in our own home while potentially masking it as "I am helping."

 

English is not their main language and they only understand certain keywords. My husband acts as our translator. He does not wish to teach me his home language because he is trying to fully break away and assimilate into American English/culture. Only uses his home language with family.

 

Also, thank you Batya for the advice on signing up for baby basic care class. I just found and registered for a class. The more informed I am, the more I am able to advocate for myself and my family. Because I know so little about raising an infant, this is why I am asking what are reasonable expectations and boundaries to set when having guests over.

 

 

Does anyone know any good parenting books to recommend? I need to read up on some material. Thank you.

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My advice is more for your peace of mind rather than what is necessarily “ideal”.

 

You cannot change what you cannot change. There is no sense worrying about it. It sounds like your husband’s parents are coming at that time either way, so I would look for ways to embrace it.

 

I agree with this, and I'd take the most relaxed approach I can talk myself into. I'd recognize that turning into Momzilla is of no benefit to me or anyone else. I'd behave toward whoever is around as a grateful recipient of their care rather than treating people as though they aren't cooperating with my fantasies of perfection. This will position me to ask for specific things as it occurs to me that I need them, including any alone time for myself or time alone with baby.

 

If I set myself up as control freak from the gate, not only will I make myself miserable, I will feel especially lousy because I will KNOW that I'm the one creating hostile conditions that are not necessary, and there will be nothing that anyone else can do to satisfy me or help me recover from my initial mistake of generating resentment.

 

I'd rather embrace this time as a family event and put myself into gratitude mode. From there I can operate more clearly in my own best interests and be taken seriously rather than position myself as a hyper-dramtic shrew who's knocked everyone for a loop from the gate because I can't make my fantasies happen with them around.

 

I'd ease up on predictions and focus instead on the things in front of me that I can control. I'll be happier for the smaller scope of focus, and I will thank myself later.

 

CongrAts to you and family!

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I loved Baby101 and Toddler 101 and anything by Brazelton. Also I completely disagree that having people in the house is supportive or better than no people in the house. Often it can be much worse. Yes, it's great to have family nearby who are willing to come with little or no advance notice -that can be a dream. Also family who are cool with your rules, your boundaries including when you need them to leave. I found having people around exhausting and personally would have hated having a baby nurse even -but that's just me.

 

I don't agree with "embracing" it - I agree with taking a stand now before you are in labor and tell your husband to tell his family what you think would be best for you and that you need flexibility because who knows how it will be when the baby comes. I did have some good help. A cousin came over one night when he was a newborn and I was solo parenting, fed him, brought me a pizza - and of course I worried later about her secondhand smoke on her clothes affecting him lol. And yes if my husband hadn't been around to help those first 2 weeks (after that he traveled 2-3 days a week) that would have been rough because he did about half the feedings around the clock. I am all about embracing what you cannot change. You can change this because they are not there yet.

 

Also read up on safe infant sleep in case someone else except you or husband will be placing baby in the crib. It's fine to be witchy with a B and Mama Bear - good practice for later when you can't always be "nice" to people who want to touch or hold your baby or otherwise tell you what to do. When he was 5 days old I told a big burly security guard to go ahead and call the police. It was freezing out and I had him in the carriage in the lobby of a fancy building waiting for my husband to get a taxi from around the block. We'd just been to the pediatrician who was on the ground floor next to the lobby but I had to be able to see outside when the taxi came. The guard told me I couldn't wait in the lobby with a baby and would have to wait in the office. I explained why nicely once and explained that there was no way I was taking my (quiet, sleeping) 5 day old out in the freezing cold. He persisted and I told him to call the police. Of course he didn't. Yes, go to those lengths for your child -and for yourself because self-care is so important right now.

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I want to thank everyone for the advice and support given here. I was really looking at advocacy and doing so in an appropriate and less hostile fashion. It can be challenging to do so with cultural barriers- even though my husband and I have been together for almost 15 years I am still learning more about his culture and family as he is continuously observing American lifestyles. I have taken everyone’s advice into serious consideration and had a very positive conversation with my husband on the anticipation of our little girl’s arrival. Him and I are going through a crazy mixture of emotions - from excitement to fear (I am terrified about going into labor or things going wrong with either me or the baby during the process) to nervousness. It has really changed the dynamic of our relationship and how we’ve been communicating with each other. In many ways it has made us stronger though it has been stressful.

 

He has recently spoken to his family after our conversation. He discussed with them what kinds of support to expect, family bonding times, and medical vaccinations prior to visiting. From what he’s telling me, his parents are being very understanding and on-board with our needs. They agree to stay at our home to keep the dog company while we are at the hospital and keep the house in order with pre-prepped meals and cleaned space (helps us from paying for cleaning service). Depending on the length of my labor they maybe bringing food to my husband, but nothing more. If they feel a need to get away or to give us space/quiet time they can use my family’s vacation home during the weekdays (when my family isn’t occupying it). We live in a beach town and his father and brother love going fishing- this is a great reward for them if they need a break or to give us space while mom can stay back and assist me with baby care, cooking, cleaning, bonding, etc (maybe they’ll catch us some fish for dinner!). They really want to make sure that my husband and I are well rested while adjusting to a new life and were especially concerned when they heard about my HG condition.

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My main fear is how controlling his mother can be. She's a very nice lady who means very well, I met his family in his home country a couple years back when staying over a week, but she is the dominant force of the household. She makes all the decisions and no one questions it. THAT is where my real fear is... her trying to do this in our own home while potentially masking it as "I am helping."

 

Pot meet kettle. You said that YOU are the one who primarily makes the decisions in the household and have trouble conceding, yet you are almost giving a negative connotation about mother in law being the "dominant force" - i have a feeling you are cut from closer to the same cloth that you care to admit. Maybe that is what attracted your husband to you on some level.

 

I am glad that your husband has brought up the subjects with his family - your issue was more with him than then, anyhow, as he was the gatekeeper

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I want to thank everyone for the advice and support given here. I was really looking at advocacy and doing so in an appropriate and less hostile fashion. It can be challenging to do so with cultural barriers- even though my husband and I have been together for almost 15 years I am still learning more about his culture and family as he is continuously observing American lifestyles. I have taken everyone’s advice into serious consideration and had a very positive conversation with my husband on the anticipation of our little girl’s arrival. Him and I are going through a crazy mixture of emotions - from excitement to fear (I am terrified about going into labor or things going wrong with either me or the baby during the process) to nervousness. It has really changed the dynamic of our relationship and how we’ve been communicating with each other. In many ways it has made us stronger though it has been stressful.

 

He has recently spoken to his family after our conversation. He discussed with them what kinds of support to expect, family bonding times, and medical vaccinations prior to visiting. From what he’s telling me, his parents are being very understanding and on-board with our needs. They agree to stay at our home to keep the dog company while we are at the hospital and keep the house in order with pre-prepped meals and cleaned space (helps us from paying for cleaning service). Depending on the length of my labor they maybe bringing food to my husband, but nothing more. If they feel a need to get away or to give us space/quiet time they can use my family’s vacation home during the weekdays (when my family isn’t occupying it). We live in a beach town and his father and brother love going fishing- this is a great reward for them if they need a break or to give us space while mom can stay back and assist me with baby care, cooking, cleaning, bonding, etc (maybe they’ll catch us some fish for dinner!). They really want to make sure that my husband and I are well rested while adjusting to a new life and were especially concerned when they heard about my HG condition.

 

Sounds great!

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I read the whole thread and can totally identify with Snny's concerns. I might have written this myself as a first time mother.

 

Fast fwd a year from now you might wish you had that family back in your home and all the arms to hold and help with the baby.

 

What feels like and intrusion now, will be replaced with much appreciated help at another time.

 

You'll be even more surprised how fast you'll hand off your second child (if you choose to have one)

 

I don't particularly care for house guests. House guests and a first time baby would send my anxiety through the roof. But I like the suggestions of setting some limits and safe areas. Be firm but gracious. It's your time.

 

I think it's good that you are having this discussion with your husband and his family proactively.

 

All in all, I think you'll be ok.

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I read the whole thread and can totally identify with Snny's concerns. I might have written this myself as a first time mother.

 

Fast fwd a year from now you might wish you had that family back in your home and all the arms to hold and help with the baby.

 

What feels like and intrusion now, will be replaced with much appreciated help at another time.

 

You'll be even more surprised how fast you'll hand off your second child (if you choose to have one)

 

I don't particularly care for house guests. House guests and a first time baby would send my anxiety through the roof. But I like the suggestions of setting some limits and safe areas. Be firm but gracious. It's your time.

 

I think it's good that you are having this discussion with your husband and his family proactively.

 

All in all, I think you'll be ok.

 

Same here. I can't relate to the assumption that a new mom would want house guests or people staying at her house (but I know many parents swear by having a baby nurse, just wouldn't have been for me)

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