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Having Expectations and Dissapointment


Di_ya2009

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People always say don’t have expectations and I don’t know if I agree with that statement.

If you tell someone you like the colour blue on a dress and they go out and get a pink dress…how do you expect that person to not be disappointed?

I know people might say:

Just be happy they got you a dress, why be so ungrateful. But you specifically said you like the blue dress. But I just don’t get it…

 

I would personally go out of my way to find a blue dress.

 

I guess my questions is how do you be grateful in that circumstance?

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For example: If someone is planning an event for you and you tell them what you prefer and they go and do their own thing.

 

For example let's say someone says "I really want to get you a spa package do you prefer a specific treatment?" and you tell them exactly what you like and they go and get you something else....or

They are planning a party and you tell them you'd prefer a nice garden party and they plan it at a loud club instead....

 

 

not sure if I am being clear....it's like you say what you prefer but people do something entirely different...are you a bad person for not being appreciative? or is it okay you feel crappy because they knew what you wanted and went and did the complete opposite or different.

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People always say don’t have expectations and I don’t know if I agree with that statement.

If you tell someone you like the colour blue on a dress and they go out and get a pink dress…how do you expect that person to not be disappointed?

I know people might say:

Just be happy they got you a dress, why be so ungrateful. But you specifically said you like the blue dress. But I just don’t get it…

 

I would personally go out of my way to find a blue dress.

 

I guess my questions is how do you be grateful in that circumstance?

 

On your specific example you balance the disappointment with appreciating the gift. Your feelings are your feelings -it's important however to react to your feelings in a thoughtful way. If you asked the person to do you a favor and buy you a blue dress and gave her the money to buy it then yes if she returns with a pink dress you say "I'm disappointed - you said you'd get me a blue dress and now I have to return this pink one which is inconvenient."

 

It's about balancing and choosing your reactions to your feelings. I do this all the time in my marriage. For example, my husband spent a ton of time on our vacation with our son which gave me some "me-time". So, when he doesn't take care of stuff he agreed to, or when he got back almost an hour late from hanging out with his friend recently causing me some inconvenience, I let it go because even though I am disappointed that he let me down in this or that way I remind myself of all he did recently and choose whether to raise the disappointed expectations.

 

I think it's silly not to have expectations of any kind. It's unrealistic. Just manage and monitor your expectations.

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Well, there aren't many positive ways to more broadly extrapolate your example.

 

If I like watchamacallits and my lady brings home a Snickers, neither my first nor last reaction is to be upset I didn't get my favorite candy bar.

 

You acknowledge that if someone does or buys something for you, there's going to be an element of their own subjectivity involved. Someone might actually remember you like blue, but find something else they think you'd look great in and appreciate better in another color. A cynical approach which assumes such a discrepancy is the product of a lack of concern rather than perhaps them having genuinely thought of you, even if inaccurate to your own tastes, sounds quite miserable.

 

I know you want us to broaden the topic, but it does seem pretty telling that, of all the examples you could think of to invoke sympathy for input, you chose one of unappreciative gift receiving.

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So, I dislike puppetry. Hated the Muppets as a kid. I remember some silly convo where I briefly mentioned that to my fiancé, for some reason we were talking about puppets.

For my birthday this year, in addition to a nice meal and tones of attention, he got me a personalized puppet of me.

 

I was sort of dazed. But immedietly knowing who he is, understood he probably forgot that and also, he put a lot thought into the crazy thing!

So damn right, I posed with puppet and I found a way to enjoy it.

You look at the spirit of it.

 

On the other hand, one time a cousin of mine who always had it in for me got my name at Xmas . She got me something I hated, knowing I'd hate it. I said 'anything but a troll doll'- she got me a big ugly troll . Remember those?!

Still I found a way to get a kick out of it , because that drove her crazy anyhow lol.

 

So win win if you chose to take it in stride. And if someone is doing it to be mean and you know it- hopefully you just limit interaction where you can. 90+ times out of 100 though, that's not the case

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If you want things done your way specifically, then you have to take charge and do it or organize it yourself. For example, if you want your bday party in a specific location or doing something specific, you need to organize that yourself. If other people are doing things for you, then you have to accept that they will inject not only their own judgment and preferences but also those of others involved as well. You simply can't dictate and expect compliance when things are done for you. Your friends are not your servants.

 

Also, echoing what jman touched on, you are projecting unnecessary negative and nefarious intent where there is none. Your friends aren't looking to upset you or disappoint you. When you choose to look at it like they are, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and disappointment. When people do something different from your expressed preference, you have to learn to understand that they aren't out to hurt you or disregard you and be more open minded about it. Change your attitude because you can't change what people do.

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Thank you for your responses everyone. I am aware people might be thinking what they are doing is what I will like...maybe my standards are different and I need to understand people might have good intentions even if it's not what I want. It's just if I know what someone likes; I'd get them or do something for them they will like...especially when I know what they want...

 

If someone tells me they like vanilla ice cream...I might see a chocolate one and think ooo this might taste good but the person like vanilla so I will get that for them as opposed to if the person says I like ice cream...in that case I might get the chocolate bc I don't already have the knowledge that they like vanilla. Again I am using just simple examples to explain my perspective.

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Can you be more specific? Do you feel it's just thoughtless or done out of passive aggressive thwarting on purpose? For example if someone knows for a fact you are allergic to peanuts and specifically puts it in your food, well that's assault. If a spa gift is a foot massage instead of a facial ...well that's just petty.

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......but you are just defending your rigid attitude and what you would do. I don't mean to be harsh, but if everyone acted like you, life would be such a bore. We find new favorites and discover new things and grow precisely because our friends share and introduce us to things we wouldn't normally try or do. To use your own example, I generally don't like chocolate ice cream at all, but a friend was sooo excited about one and brought it over. Instead of getting offended that she didn't bring for me what I like, I appreciated her enthusiasm and intent, tried it and loved it as well even though normally I would hate it. So instead of being angry and miserable and having a bad attitude, we bonded over her absolutely great discovery and had a fun evening eating the ice cream and chatting away. Open your mind a little and try being less rigid and more easy going. Trust me life is more fun that way.

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Care to specifically relate this to your husband, your marriage seeming to me to be the obvious context you're skirting around here? No one here is going to care as much about vanilla ice cream or blue dresses as much as you apparently do, nor the vague sentiment you're trying to express. Or is him buying a yellow dress and bringing home chocolate ice cream what's got you going?

 

There's also a difference between liking vanilla, liking blue, and not liking something else. I don't assume someone who likes vanilla doesn't like chocolate.

 

And, speaking personally, if there's something I know I want, I get it myself.

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I think my examples are not conveying the message I am trying to deliver.

 

Is it a specific person? My mother-in-law, who I love dearly, would buy me things in a color I do not like and look awful in, but is her favorite color. Or styles that did not flatter me. My father did this also. The first few times I felt a bit disappointed that they didn't remember my preferred colors or notice my style, but after a couple times I just shrugged it off, and felt the intent behind the gift was one of generosity and care. My options were to either keep and wear, return, or pass the new item on to someone else by donating to my favorite charity shop. It was a win-win if they enjoyed the gift-giving (I think they did) and someone else enjoyed the item, and I was a conduit connecting them. It's not like my happiness rested on them "getting me" just right with the perfect gift.

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So, my older sister who I adore used to buy me birthday gifts that she actually wanted - and yes with nefarious intent lol and yes she was a teenager. Obviously that wasn't thoughtful on her part. On the other end of things, my husband had to go to a meeting last minute and realized that it was a brown bag lunch. I only make him lunch when we travel by plane (and he never asks me to - it simply doesn't come up). So I took it upon myself to make him lunch so he wouldn't have to scrounge around for something. I didn't ask him exactly what he wanted I just did what I thought would work and also threw in a few extras as sides to the sandwich I made. I would not have done that if I thought he was going to stand on ceremony and comment about what I knew about his food choices, etc. On the other hand, I can be really picky about food and would not prefer him to make me lunch. So, if my husband was going to make me lunch he likely would ask exactly what I wanted or not make it in the first place. But, if he offered to do it and insisted on it, unless it was something I was allergic to or would not feel well from (and he is aware of these things) I would eat it and appreciate the thought. If I couldn't eat it I probably would not tell him unless i had to (i.e. if he was going to make me lunch again).

 

Attitude is gratitude -when we're talking about gifts or favors please lead with that is my suggestion. It's different if it's a division of labor thing - if it's not a favor but an expected part of your marriage/partnership then yes, you should expect that the task be done reliably and with reasonable accuracy. But again, with wiggle room. You're a team.

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Is it a specific person? My mother-in-law, who I love dearly, would buy me things in a color I do not like and look awful in, but is her favorite color. Or styles that did not flatter me. My father did this also. The first few times I felt a bit disappointed that they didn't remember my preferred colors or notice my style, but after a couple times I just shrugged it off, and felt the intent behind the gift was one of generosity and care. My options were to either keep and wear, return, or pass the new item on to someone else by donating to my favorite charity shop. It was a win-win if they enjoyed the gift-giving (I think they did) and someone else enjoyed the item, and I was a conduit connecting them. It's not like my happiness rested on them "getting me" just right with the perfect gift.

 

The tone of gratitude is lovely!

 

Gift giving is a skill that some of us perform better than others.

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I think it’s a control thing. For what it’s worth, I can be prone to this myself. You are probably a bit of a perfectionist and like things the way you like them.

 

Life - and other people - are little more than organized chaos. Lol! You can’t control them. They are going to go rogue and do what they do.

 

As others have said - if you want a blue dress, go buy yourself a blue dress. If you want vanilla ice cream - go buy yourself some. This is where the expectations thing comes in. You can’t expect others to do things as you would do. It’s chaos. Expect it. Embrace it. Appreciate it.

 

Once you accept that - unless you do something yourself, it’s probably going to be completely different than you thought - you actually live a happier life. At that point, it’s much easier to go with the flow and appreciate whatever someone does for you.

 

I’m pretty sure it’s a control thing.

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Whenever someone does something nice for me, I recognize that there are plenty of people who have nobody who ever thinks of them at all. My gratitude for any gesture of care in my direction helps me to fully appreciate how lucky I am.

 

It's never about the what, it's about the who.

 

Whether someone got a better deal on what they've given to me, or whether they know that I usually fly right, so they're turning me on to trying left--whatever the deal is, I'm touched by the thoughtfulness and effort that went into giving me anything at all.

 

This means that I am never disappointed, and I'm blessed to be able to say that.

 

Gratitude is a gift we give to our Selves.

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Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

Just to clarify when someone just buys me or does something for me or suggests we do something I am appreciative and flexible.

 

What I meant was when I am specific about what I want and they do the opposite. I still appreciate it but am disappointed. RedDress...maybe it's a control thing.

 

I don't know if anyone has read the Five love languages...I think it's similar to that... a person can think they are showing you love (in the way they know) but if that's not your love language you are never going to feel loved.

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Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

Just to clarify when someone just buys me or does something for me or suggests we do something I am appreciative and flexible. Yes

 

What I meant was when I am specific about what I want and they do the opposite. I still appreciate it but am disappointed. RedDress...maybe it's a control thing.

 

I don't know if anyone has read the Five love languages...I think it's similar to that... a person can think they are showing you love (in the way they know) but if that's not your love language you are never going to feel loved.

It’s not a love language issue at all because loving is giving. So if you expect someone else to get you the specific gift you want or you will be disappointed and choose to react to it (rather than self talk and work on your issue of how you expect the person to get you the precise gift you aksss for) then that is just an issue you have in your ability to have what I would personally consider appropriate adult expectations. Now if the person did this intentionally to hurt you that’s another matter but if they were well meaning and messed up then your reaction is not a caring reaction. I reacted to my then boyfriend’s Valentine’s Day gift like that and I shouldn’t have. I took it personally that he thought I would want what he selected. It was wrong on my part. I was in my 20s at the time and was upset that he thought. Iwoidk lork a huge box of chocolates and polyester lingerie.

Please don’t try to label immature behavior with fancy trendy “love languages”.

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