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Thread: Having Expectations and Dissapointment

  1. #1
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    Having Expectations and Dissapointment

    People always say don’t have expectations and I don’t know if I agree with that statement.
    If you tell someone you like the colour blue on a dress and they go out and get a pink dress…how do you expect that person to not be disappointed?
    I know people might say:
    Just be happy they got you a dress, why be so ungrateful. But you specifically said you like the blue dress. But I just don’t get it…

    I would personally go out of my way to find a blue dress.

    I guess my questions is how do you be grateful in that circumstance?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Easy. It's great that someone thought of you and gave you a gift. It's a GIFT, not a contract.

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    You say thank you for the gift and then you return the dress and get something you like. Happens all the time. Some people even include the sale receipt in with gifts so it can be returned or exchanged.

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    The dress was just a simple example ...I mean the whole concept with anything in life.

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    For example: If someone is planning an event for you and you tell them what you prefer and they go and do their own thing.

    For example let's say someone says "I really want to get you a spa package do you prefer a specific treatment?" and you tell them exactly what you like and they go and get you something else....or
    They are planning a party and you tell them you'd prefer a nice garden party and they plan it at a loud club instead....


    not sure if I am being clear....it's like you say what you prefer but people do something entirely different...are you a bad person for not being appreciative? or is it okay you feel crappy because they knew what you wanted and went and did the complete opposite or different.

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    Originally Posted by Di_ya2009
    People always say don’t have expectations and I don’t know if I agree with that statement.
    If you tell someone you like the colour blue on a dress and they go out and get a pink dress…how do you expect that person to not be disappointed?
    I know people might say:
    Just be happy they got you a dress, why be so ungrateful. But you specifically said you like the blue dress. But I just don’t get it…

    I would personally go out of my way to find a blue dress.

    I guess my questions is how do you be grateful in that circumstance?
    On your specific example you balance the disappointment with appreciating the gift. Your feelings are your feelings -it's important however to react to your feelings in a thoughtful way. If you asked the person to do you a favor and buy you a blue dress and gave her the money to buy it then yes if she returns with a pink dress you say "I'm disappointed - you said you'd get me a blue dress and now I have to return this pink one which is inconvenient."

    It's about balancing and choosing your reactions to your feelings. I do this all the time in my marriage. For example, my husband spent a ton of time on our vacation with our son which gave me some "me-time". So, when he doesn't take care of stuff he agreed to, or when he got back almost an hour late from hanging out with his friend recently causing me some inconvenience, I let it go because even though I am disappointed that he let me down in this or that way I remind myself of all he did recently and choose whether to raise the disappointed expectations.

    I think it's silly not to have expectations of any kind. It's unrealistic. Just manage and monitor your expectations.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Well, there aren't many positive ways to more broadly extrapolate your example.

    If I like watchamacallits and my lady brings home a Snickers, neither my first nor last reaction is to be upset I didn't get my favorite candy bar.

    You acknowledge that if someone does or buys something for you, there's going to be an element of their own subjectivity involved. Someone might actually remember you like blue, but find something else they think you'd look great in and appreciate better in another color. A cynical approach which assumes such a discrepancy is the product of a lack of concern rather than perhaps them having genuinely thought of you, even if inaccurate to your own tastes, sounds quite miserable.

    I know you want us to broaden the topic, but it does seem pretty telling that, of all the examples you could think of to invoke sympathy for input, you chose one of unappreciative gift receiving.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like incompatibility where each person just does what they want.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    So, I dislike puppetry. Hated the Muppets as a kid. I remember some silly convo where I briefly mentioned that to my fiancé, for some reason we were talking about puppets.
    For my birthday this year, in addition to a nice meal and tones of attention, he got me a personalized puppet of me.

    I was sort of dazed. But immedietly knowing who he is, understood he probably forgot that and also, he put a lot thought into the crazy thing!
    So damn right, I posed with puppet and I found a way to enjoy it.
    You look at the spirit of it.

    On the other hand, one time a cousin of mine who always had it in for me got my name at Xmas . She got me something I hated, knowing I'd hate it. I said 'anything but a troll doll'- she got me a big ugly troll . Remember those?!
    Still I found a way to get a kick out of it , because that drove her crazy anyhow lol.

    So win win if you chose to take it in stride. And if someone is doing it to be mean and you know it- hopefully you just limit interaction where you can. 90+ times out of 100 though, that's not the case

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If you want things done your way specifically, then you have to take charge and do it or organize it yourself. For example, if you want your bday party in a specific location or doing something specific, you need to organize that yourself. If other people are doing things for you, then you have to accept that they will inject not only their own judgment and preferences but also those of others involved as well. You simply can't dictate and expect compliance when things are done for you. Your friends are not your servants.

    Also, echoing what jman touched on, you are projecting unnecessary negative and nefarious intent where there is none. Your friends aren't looking to upset you or disappoint you. When you choose to look at it like they are, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and disappointment. When people do something different from your expressed preference, you have to learn to understand that they aren't out to hurt you or disregard you and be more open minded about it. Change your attitude because you can't change what people do.

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