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Thread: Having Expectations and Dissapointment

  1. #11
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    Thank you for your responses everyone. I am aware people might be thinking what they are doing is what I will like...maybe my standards are different and I need to understand people might have good intentions even if it's not what I want. It's just if I know what someone likes; I'd get them or do something for them they will like...especially when I know what they want...

    If someone tells me they like vanilla ice cream...I might see a chocolate one and think ooo this might taste good but the person like vanilla so I will get that for them as opposed to if the person says I like ice cream...in that case I might get the chocolate bc I don't already have the knowledge that they like vanilla. Again I am using just simple examples to explain my perspective.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Can you be more specific? Do you feel it's just thoughtless or done out of passive aggressive thwarting on purpose? For example if someone knows for a fact you are allergic to peanuts and specifically puts it in your food, well that's assault. If a spa gift is a foot massage instead of a facial ...well that's just petty.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    ......but you are just defending your rigid attitude and what you would do. I don't mean to be harsh, but if everyone acted like you, life would be such a bore. We find new favorites and discover new things and grow precisely because our friends share and introduce us to things we wouldn't normally try or do. To use your own example, I generally don't like chocolate ice cream at all, but a friend was sooo excited about one and brought it over. Instead of getting offended that she didn't bring for me what I like, I appreciated her enthusiasm and intent, tried it and loved it as well even though normally I would hate it. So instead of being angry and miserable and having a bad attitude, we bonded over her absolutely great discovery and had a fun evening eating the ice cream and chatting away. Open your mind a little and try being less rigid and more easy going. Trust me life is more fun that way.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Care to specifically relate this to your husband, your marriage seeming to me to be the obvious context you're skirting around here? No one here is going to care as much about vanilla ice cream or blue dresses as much as you apparently do, nor the vague sentiment you're trying to express. Or is him buying a yellow dress and bringing home chocolate ice cream what's got you going?

    There's also a difference between liking vanilla, liking blue, and not liking something else. I don't assume someone who likes vanilla doesn't like chocolate.

    And, speaking personally, if there's something I know I want, I get it myself.

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member Dixi's Avatar
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    If your description on what you like is as ambiguous as the description of the dilemma you want help with here, then I'm not surprised they get it wrong.

  7. #16
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    I think my examples are not conveying the message I am trying to deliver.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I think getting some real problems may help shape your perspective, then.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Di_ya2009
    I think my examples are not conveying the message I am trying to deliver.
    Is it a specific person? My mother-in-law, who I love dearly, would buy me things in a color I do not like and look awful in, but is her favorite color. Or styles that did not flatter me. My father did this also. The first few times I felt a bit disappointed that they didn't remember my preferred colors or notice my style, but after a couple times I just shrugged it off, and felt the intent behind the gift was one of generosity and care. My options were to either keep and wear, return, or pass the new item on to someone else by donating to my favorite charity shop. It was a win-win if they enjoyed the gift-giving (I think they did) and someone else enjoyed the item, and I was a conduit connecting them. It's not like my happiness rested on them "getting me" just right with the perfect gift.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The only real challenge in these situations is having a poker face and acting graciously that someone got you something, not wondering why their mind reading skills are deficient.

  11. #20
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    So, my older sister who I adore used to buy me birthday gifts that she actually wanted - and yes with nefarious intent lol and yes she was a teenager. Obviously that wasn't thoughtful on her part. On the other end of things, my husband had to go to a meeting last minute and realized that it was a brown bag lunch. I only make him lunch when we travel by plane (and he never asks me to - it simply doesn't come up). So I took it upon myself to make him lunch so he wouldn't have to scrounge around for something. I didn't ask him exactly what he wanted I just did what I thought would work and also threw in a few extras as sides to the sandwich I made. I would not have done that if I thought he was going to stand on ceremony and comment about what I knew about his food choices, etc. On the other hand, I can be really picky about food and would not prefer him to make me lunch. So, if my husband was going to make me lunch he likely would ask exactly what I wanted or not make it in the first place. But, if he offered to do it and insisted on it, unless it was something I was allergic to or would not feel well from (and he is aware of these things) I would eat it and appreciate the thought. If I couldn't eat it I probably would not tell him unless i had to (i.e. if he was going to make me lunch again).

    Attitude is gratitude -when we're talking about gifts or favors please lead with that is my suggestion. It's different if it's a division of labor thing - if it's not a favor but an expected part of your marriage/partnership then yes, you should expect that the task be done reliably and with reasonable accuracy. But again, with wiggle room. You're a team.

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