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(please read) is my relationship doomed, boyfriend is acting like a bully?


tooty123

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we have been together for 6 months. before we met he had been dealing with an accusation that eventually lead to court. unfortunately we got together just over aprox 6 months before so the trail is next week. His friends have started treating him different and talking behind his back, his roomate keeps trying to kick him out so he has been staying with me at my place. he does pay his way so i'm ok with that but the problem is.. now that the trail date is getting closer he has become super depressed to the point where he doesn't consider my needs or feelings if at all. he has been super argumentative and snappy and rude to me and always wants to be right even if he's wrong he has this intense need to be right.

 

this made me depressed to the point i can't even leave my bed. so all we have been doing is chilling in bed playing computer games/watching movies because i'm too depressed to go out. he wants me to get out the house so we can do something but he doesn't realise that i can't just drop how crap i'm feeling and pretend we are ok because we are not. i feel like i'm losing my self-worth and any motivation because he would always talk down to me like i am stupid or get super argumentative. there are things i have done that have hurt him like second guessing him sometimes but i feel it's no excuse to treat someone this way. especially if all they want to do is help.

 

One night i mentioned that i couldn't cope with staying up all night due to his insomnia/hyper-activeness. he took that into consideration and went to the doctors and got some anti-depressants. Little did we know they would cause us to have the biggest argument yet. :icon_sad:

I needed a bit of time to myself because i felt quite backed into a corner at this point so i told him to go hang out with his female friend and her family. he has spoke about her before many times and also introduced me. he came back after 3-4 hours and told me his female friend and her family have invited us out for a drink or two. he seem'd super excited about it, because he always tried to encourage me to get out more and do more stuff together even before this.

so i said.. i will if i feel up to it, it sounds nice. he seem'd really happy about it.. well anyway night time comes, we are in a super lovey, good mood watching a movie before bed. the medication starts kicking in and you can tell the medicine is forcing him to sleep. he's usually super active at that time. during the night he gets up to go to the toilet but ends up walking opposite the door in a complete daze so i go to help him find his way, then helped him back into bed. i asked him if he was ok and did he know where he was and he said in a sleepy daze his female friends name.. then my name instead before falling back into sleep.

 

i got really upset about this because i felt at that moment that he was taking his problems out on me aswell as thinking of having a side peace. that or he saw his happy place with her instead.. i get that he was on meds so it's not really his fault but it still hurt. i couldn't let it slide. i felt fed up and so i told him to leave to his roomates place(who he doesn't like because he's talking behind his back) i was upset and to some extent irrational but i had felt like i'd been pretty much taken for granted at that point. he dismissed my feelings and raised his voice saying "I WANT to get to SLEEP. LET me get to SLEEP. ALL i want is some f* sleep. leave me alone i have done nothing wrong. probably said her name because i was excited about tomorrow, i did say you're name after so i did realise eventually. I'm not going down there tonight iv fallen out with all of them i told you this. ALL i want is some sleep. please let me sleep. i wanted him to go because i had had enough.. but i put my own feelings aside and let him stay. i ask him to put an alarm on his phone so he can go tomorrow as i needed some space and time to just get my head through all of it. and he sat up in a rage and laughed at me and called me crazy and said i never listen.. then he went on and on about how i am doing this.. how i am doing that.. he will rant and rant and also shout or talk over me depending the subject/issue. He expects me to listen to him but when i ask him to listen to me he just says.. "i DO listen though, it's YOU who doesn't listen!" but he doesn't, all he has done the past week is try to be right. even when he is clearly wrong he has this undying need to be right. over being happy, sorting things out. he'd rather be right. and he denies it too ofc says it's my fault and i am the one who doesn't listen apparently.

 

when i'm constantly told i'm not listening even when i clearly am AND asking questions to further get info it doesn't make me want to listen. and i told him this.

anyway morning comes along and he can't drop the fact i woke him from his nice sleep to tell him he said another girls name, to which he insinuated that my feelings about it are out of context and completely spun out of per-portion. he kept having ago at me telling him i'm accusing him of f* another girl.. .. that i don't listen. that i don't trust him etc etc. i got sick of hearing him constantly rant and talk over me and not giving me much of a chance to explain my part, all the while he expects me to listen to him when he can't even do it for me.

 

so i broke up with him and he storms off saying fine if that's what you want that's what you will have. i balled my eyes out because it was the only time i really had to myself to do it. i made arrangements with my parents to stop at theirs for half a week and so i call him and let him know this and tell him i would like him to come back and collect his things as i am going away. he said ok i will come soon i am just in town with friends.

2 more hours pass by and at this point it's 5'oclock. i'm super tired after the night i had so i didn't want to be waiting for him all day, i wanted a bit of sleep. so i called him back and told him if he doesn't come get his stuff im putting them outside i don't owe him anything to put up with how he's treating me. he attempts to put the phone down but i hear in the background his conversation with.. you guessed it. his female friend. they were talking about me and she said i'm like her ex who was super controlling and just downright evil which i am not. so i felt super fking betrayed. i rang him back and told him that he's really upset me and i heard the convo and fk them both. i hung up.. he comes back in such a rage that he is slamming things, throwing his own about and screaming at the top of his lungs at me about absolutely everything. i get EVERYTHING thrown in my face and i am there crying my eyes out shaking just wanting to talk to him and all he can think about is how upset it made him when i woke him up and told him to go. at that point he seem'd like he just wanted to shout at me just for the sake of shouting. he didn't seem like he cared too much about what i had to say and he seem'd like he wanted to rush off out. he made it seem like he was giving me the time so i should be lucky type attitude.

 

anyway he calms down after a bit and he finally starts to talk and listen to me like i am a human being. he tells me that he's sick of me second guessing him and he wants me to listen to him more etc etc that he's sorry for taking out any uncalled for anger out on me it's just court is all he can think about. upset that he has no money saved for it, upset that his friends are backstabbing him. he says he wants to be with me because he loves me. i asked if he even liked me in his life and he huffed and said i don't like you in it.. i Love you in it. (his voice went a little teary when he said he loves me in it)

 

that's the thing.. he never used to be this way. he used to get upset over the fact he had no money for us to do anything or he couldnt take me on dates etc, he would cook and clean for me. he financially helps whenever he could and he would always be concerned if i ate or not. if i was upset he would be there to hold me and have comforting things to say. he'd hug and cuddle me more but he's not like that anymore. i feel like i have lost him to his own anger/depression.

tonight i'm at my parents and he said to me he would be at his roomates tonight since he can't stay at mine. he said i will you don't have to worry.

well i messaged his roomate to tell my bf goodnight and i got told that he came through the door, threw his stuff down then went back out again. i message my bfs female friend to tell her to make sure he's ok and low and behold he's with her at her parents. they offered to give him the sofa.

i'm happy he has somewhere to stay, because he was saying he had no other option but sleep on a bench or tent because he has a short net of friends and all of them are pushing him away and he has no other friends or family that live close. so i am happy he has a place to stay but i feel like he's maybe purposly trying to hurt me.

 

we are still sort of dating but i don't know what to feel or think at this point. sometimes i feel like is it court or me that's the problem, or is he wanting his female friend spit it out already type thing. i just don't know.

 

i'm not sure what kind of replies i will get but any advice would be so appreciated as i feel like i don't really have much of an outside opinion =( thanks xx

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Well, I'm going to cut to the chase -- I'm guessing your boyfriend has the possibility of going to jail for some time and you made the whole thing about you! I'm sure he's going out of his mind and instead of supporting him, you're pulling tantrums, you won't get out of bed, you're starting arguments, you're insinuating that he's sleeping with his ex girlfriend -- you've just become the girlfriend from hell -- as if he doesn't have enough on his mind already! You've just gone ballistic.

 

I guess it's best that he finds this out about you now because you would be a mess the first time your relationship had any problems. Hopefully his court date goes better than his relationship did.

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OP I see it that you two are incompatible. He has his issues which fair enough he shouldn’t be taking out on you. I can see why you are getting fed up.

 

I also see it that he’s depressed and overly stressed!

 

So to be fair to him I can see the anger and resentment towards you for the accusations when he was drugged and half asleep.

 

On the other hand you two go together like oil and fire. A very toxic combination.

 

I suggest parting ways for good.

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OP, get this guy out of your life. There are so many red flags here. What do you parents think of all this?

 

Look, if everyone is apparently against him - who is the common denominator? He is a mess. There is a reason most people want nothing to do with him. His behaviour is atrocious. And what do you mean, he never used to be like this? You have been with him for only 6 months; you don't really even know what he is usually like.

 

Let him go with his female friend. He is not dating material whatsoever. You need to work on boundaries so you don't let people like him into your life in the future.

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Well, I'm going to cut to the chase -- I'm guessing your boyfriend has the possibility of going to jail for some time and you made the whole thing about you! I'm sure he's going out of his mind and instead of supporting him, you're pulling tantrums, you won't get out of bed, you're starting arguments, you're insinuating that he's sleeping with his ex girlfriend -- you've just become the girlfriend from hell -- as if he doesn't have enough on his mind already! You've just gone ballistic.

 

I guess it's best that he finds this out about you now because you would be a mess the first time your relationship had any problems. Hopefully his court date goes better than his relationship did.

 

thanks but you just did exactly what i would expect him to do. use everything and blame it all on me. i have been there for him and i have listened. can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

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What is the "accusation"? It's a criminal case, most likely a felony. Kick him out. Don't let a sociopath con you. His roommates did the right thing and so should you. Is he doing drugs?

before we met he had been dealing with an accusation that eventually lead to court.One night i mentioned that i couldn't cope with staying up all night due to his insomnia/hyper-activeness.
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What is the "accusation"? It's a criminal case, most likely a felony. Kick him out. Don't let a sociopath con you. His roommates did the right thing and so should you. Is he doing drugs?

 

we both do pot now and again but he's more of a long time user than me. he was accused of rape at a party. he told me he was drunk and didn't remember the night but he knows he wouldn't do something like that because it's not him. he pleaded guilty because he had no evidence to counter his opponents accusations and his solicitor told him pleading guilty was the best option with the least jail time. he had 20mins to decide and he went for it.

but my dad said he thinks he's hiding something, might not be rape but it's something.

which i have to sort of agree with.. if you are innocent you make every minute count sorting out evidence/proof/statements/doctors notes/solicitors/therapy etc etc to prove your innocence.

but he didn't do that. he just spent his time working, going back to (the roomates place) and getting high. rinse repeat.

and told me he didn't think he had to sort anything out because he IS innocent. he's not very responsible with money or time management but he has always paid me for rent/ even extra money for bits and bobs with what little he has since he is on benefits now.

 

i have technically kicked him out. he was wanting to move in with me and everything. i don't want to live with someone who makes me feel so small i lost who i was. i understand now we are taking space that i was there for him, but not exactly enough for someone who is depressed. i could of been there for him more if he wouldn't cut me up mid sentence and start telling me what i do wrong or what this and that and how he's right. i don't like been shouted at or talked down to. my dad was very much a bully to me growing up. he would shout at me and blame me for things. one time my dad completely lost all sense and attacked me, my mum said it was due to his back pain and the meds he was on. so i really don't like to be around people like that, i shut down.

 

as for where me and MrRight stand we're taking 5-6 days apart. he's at his female friends parents sleeping on their sofa using his friends phone to message me on fb sometimes. i'm at my parents trying to get back to my normal self again. i missed me.. i missed my family. i hated how this all changed me. i want to be there for him so badly but when you lose yourself and feel like you are sacrificing your own feelings for someone else to use that to their advantage i think i did the right thing.

 

i'm just not sure what to make of all this.. and if he's worth it in the long run. is this all depression and down to court? or is he a liar worming his way in to reap the benefits? because i have everything he doesn't. a house, income, a family. does he hold some kind of deep down resentment for me in someway for things i don't really have to be sorry for? i don't know.

 

if anyone has any past story that sort of relates please feel free to share.

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Please kick him out. Trust your father, not a manipulative violent criminal you know for 6 mos. And cease all contact. He's lying to you. How can there be a trial if he already pleaded guilty? Do you mean sentencing? Nobody pleads guilty unless they did it and a trail would most likely have a worse outcome. Clearly the victim had enough evidence to convict him. Everyone in jail claims they were framed and are innocent. Run. Trust your family on this.

he was accused of rape at a party. he pleaded guilty because he had no evidence to counter his opponents accusations. but my dad said he thinks he's hiding something, might not be rape but it's something.

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Please kick him out. Trust your father, not a manipulative violent criminal you know for 6 mos. And cease all contact. He's lying to you. How can there be a trial if he already pleaded guilty? Do you mean sentencing? Nobody pleads guilty unless they did it and a trail would most likely have a worse outcome. Clearly the victim had enough evidence to convict him. Everyone in jail claims they were framed and are innocent. Run. Trust your family on this.

 

but that's the thing it's hard to let go because i still care about him. and i know how loving he is when he is not depressed/stressed. he really is a good guy, least he seems it. i'm not really sure how to identify a sociopath etc but trust me when he's good.. he's good. cooks,cleans for me. takes the trash out. runs the to shops and back for me. he helps out financially and buys me nice things that i may need with what little money he has. he brags about me to his friends and he would come over late at night if i was ill. he never pushed sex on me. maybe i'm stupid and it's all just smoke and mirror but there was a time when i felt loved by him. he would encourage me to get out more because he knew i want to get over my social anxieties. i have shared some goals/hobbies with him and he would tell me ideas that he'd had about them and get really overjoyed. almost like he was getting involved in his own way. if i ask him to cuddle me during the night he cuddles me..

 

just lately ... he complains and has a problem with everything. just don't know him as well as i thought. it's not nice seeing someone sweet change into someone so vindictive and argumentative. :icon_sad: i will see what happens. i'm not 100% with him but we are sort of still together. i just told him i want to take things slow again and i need some time to myself and that i think he needs to be around friends right now or whatever friends he can see. unfortunately that's his female friend who seems to be coming a bit of a background problem.

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he pleaded guilty because he had no evidence to counter his opponents accusations

 

That's bull.

 

It's up to the prosecution to prove a person's guilt.

 

If his solicitor has told him to plead guilty, it will be because the evidence against him is so strong that he's undoubtedly going to be found guilty anyway. You're dating a rapist.

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That's bull.

 

It's up to the prosecution to prove a person's guilt.

 

If his solicitor has told him to plead guilty, it will be because the evidence against him is so strong that he's undoubtedly going to be found guilty anyway. You're dating a rapist.

 

Bingo.

 

OP, you need to wake up.

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That's bull.

 

It's up to the prosecution to prove a person's guilt.

 

If his solicitor has told him to plead guilty, it will be because the evidence against him is so strong that he's undoubtedly going to be found guilty anyway. You're dating a rapist.

 

sort of, but not exactly-- it up to his attorney to prove reasonable doubt. If the attorney cannot see where he can create any scenario where their is doubt that his client did it -- then he probably did it.

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we both do pot now and again but he's more of a long time user than me. he was accused of rape at a party. he told me he was drunk and didn't remember the night but he knows he wouldn't do something like that because it's not him. he pleaded guilty because he had no evidence to counter his opponents accusations and his solicitor told him pleading guilty was the best option with the least jail time. he had 20mins to decide and he went for it.

but my dad said he thinks he's hiding something, might not be rape but it's something.

 

If he blacked out and doesn't remember - he could have defended himself by saying they were both heavily drinking and he blacked out.

If he was urged to plead guilty, there was evidence because someone else besides her saw it happen or she went to the hospital - there was a rape kit, they took samples and/or the bruises on her body are consistent with it.

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