Before he goes

I met a guy almost a year ago, things didn't get serious until January.

 

At first I didn't have any intention of having a relationship with him because I wasn't looking for love and wanted to focus on myself and my insecurities, but slowly we started building and became attached.

 

Fast forward to April I fell/realized I was in love, almost too much and everytime we're together its nothing but love and our communication is amazing when together. I've had very open, serious conversations and have expressed any emotions and am very comfortable doing so. I am proud of that. We've been building a very strong relationship.

 

The issue is in April, he had decided that he would be moving across the country. It all feels like a scene out of a movie. He is supposed to leave in a few weeks since his lease is up and he always wanted to move there and his dad lives there. I initially was going to move with him and was planning back in April to move, but I slowly began to realize that I was setting him as my #1 priority and he wasn't doing the same (at least that's what I told myself). He was going with or without me, but did share he wanted me to go in a perfect world. The issue is I felt like for so long that I wasn't always his #1 priority (I hope he doesn't see this lol, but he knows this). I think it was a difference between us as far as type of love and expectations. I actually know he cares about me, misses me and always wants to see me. He truly loves me. He said I meet all his needs. But once I realized I'd drop my life and everything to move for him and he wouldn't do the same, I decided to do what's best for myself and not move. He was moving because he was putting his life first, I should put my life first and not move for someone who wouldn't do the same.

 

And my question was, if I have everything you want, but you're leaving because other things are more important in your life. And he never would admit that. I just wanted him to say that. And that's ok I understand that. But he never did, it was just silence.

 

Finally this Monday I was triggered by something and I was like why are we in this relationship, you're leaving and there is no plan for a future. It was decided when this decision made that he was moving that would be the end of the relationship. But we've been living like we are still building.

 

Last night I expressed feelings and this week I've had anxiety that he's leaving and I feel as if I'm putting walls up and distancing him. But I told him, I'm not yours anymore. If you really wanted this you would have stayed and we could've worked on this together. There's always a way. But it was if he didn't fight for me. It wasn't until last night he was in tears and in deep pain realizing how naive he was to think he could move and just leave me. It didn't hit him that this is real. I've been trying to tell him for months, like this is real, you're moving. This relationship has a known expiration date. And it just never settled in because he said he had this unrealistic hope that once he left we'd still somehow be together in the future.

 

Again, up until this week everything was really good for the most part (of course we had bumps) and now part of me has a feeling of too little too late. Everything he told me last night about how he's not ready to leave me, and how foolish he feels and the thought of anyone else. But I'm afraid I'm distanced now a bit now.

 

Any advice on what to do? Do I just give it time to settle. I could tell he said he had a lot to process as in he is now probably thinking of possibly staying or finding someway to show his commitment. He said he should've done more and listened to me when I kept saying it over and over again. And I'm just really hurt because I did hit him over the head with it, but its not until this conversation where it hit him in the face. So my "in love" feeling faded this week, but I did get to see that he never meant for me not to feel needed or wanted.

 

I know this is a lot, but part of me is like just go and if its meant to be its meant to be, its too late...but the other part of me is like this all just happened in a week, calm down, process, you love him. If he actually decides to stay that shows huge commitment towards me, but I don't him to stay and it's too late. The only issue ever was the priority feeling. That's it.

His plans to move near his dad when his lease is up has been in the works for a while. It seems you are more invested than he is. You've only been dating 6 mos. That's not long enough for either of you to change your plans. When he moves, see how it goes and if he invites you to visit.

Well, this is called a Mexican standoff where neither party wants to budge. He says if you love him, you'll move with him. You say if he loves you, he should stay. Neither party compromises so nobody gets what they want. Simple as that.

 

You didn't say what your objections were to moving. Is your family where you are? Are you from there? Would you be leaving a good job? Or are you just being stubborn, that if he loves you he will stay. It seems to me that you could move and be happy or stay and be miserable.

 

And what about him? Is he going back to where he's from? Is his family there? Is it nice there?

 

You're just making this about you, but there are a lot of other factors he may have taken into consideration. I think it's your insecurities telling you that he doesn't consider you important enough to stay. But do you consider him important enough to move? That's the real question.

 

And as Wiseman2 said, you've only been dating for 6 months. I usually think it takes a year to get to know someone enough to make a big plunge like moving in together.

His feelings are not the same. Plus, you have only been together six months.

 

How old is he?

Thank you all for the replies.

 

He is 29, I am 27. The issue was I initially was going to move for him. I'm actually the type of person that will drop everything. So back in April when he said he was moving we were looking at places and I was helping. I was going to leave my family, friends and career to be with him. I changed my mind because he wouldn't leave everything or put me first.

 

Pride may be getting in the way, and yes 6 months as an actual couple it is early. But I was still going to have my own place separate from his. We both are young and I understand he has goals.

 

I put others before me, but I gained a sense of value like why would I move if he wouldn't move for me sort of thing.

You should NEVER put others before you.

I changed my mind because he wouldn't leave everything or put me first.

Yeah because that's completely ridiculous. Who could respect a partner who abandoned their goals and responsibilities to put all the weight on them? Certainly, there may be a time and place for it, but it's definitely not with someone you've known all of 6 months.

Darn abandoning your life to move overseas for someone is pretty naive.

 

 

If understand if you were together 3 years or engaged, but half a year isn't long enough.