He's Back?

So, I don't know if you all remember, if not, please read my first thread on here. "I've Made A Mess"

Last year, I jumped into a quick fling with a guy and fell hard for him. Then he basically faded away and stopped talking to me.

Well, today he messaged me an apology on Facebook and said when we met he was at a bad place in his life. His apology seemed sincere. He also said he was starting to get attached to me and it freaked him out.

He went on to say that he is 8 months sober now and doing much better and he said he feels horrible for how he treated me and has wanted to talk to he for a while but was afraid I wouldn't respond.

I'm not jumping the gun here and I'm obviously apprehensive. I do like that we are chatting again, but I'm not expecting it to go further. Plus, I'm not looking to date anyone right now.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Do ya'll think his apology could he sincere or do you think he's just trying to put his feelers in?

Just reply back, nice to hear from you, hope your doing well and do not continue. He may have just broken up with someone or since he mentioned "sober" is could just be this:

"Alcoholics Anonymous calls for making amends instead. These are mentioned specifically in several of AA's Twelve Steps, including:

Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Well, is he doing the AA's Twelve Steps Program? Step 9 is to make amends to people he might have wronged. He might just be doing that step and that's why he called. Don't give it too much thought. See if he pops back up when he gets through all the steps.

You are trying to get over the last break up, and now you are entertaining this guy. You need to be alone for a long while and focus on your counseling and getting to a better place. The "chatting" will go further.

Stop jumping from man to man and get yourself in a better place. You need at least 6 months. Go back and read all of your history on all of the creeps you have been dating. It is time to stop,

Wish him well, then block him.

You are trying to get over the last break up, and now you are entertaining this guy. You need to be alone for a long while and focus on your counseling and getting to a better place. The "chatting" will go further.

 

Stop jumping from man to man and get yourself in a better place. You need at least 6 months. Go back and read all of your history on all of the creeps you have been dating. It is time to stop,

 

Wish him well, then block him.

Look, just because some guys have done me wrong doesnt mean every guy I've dated has been a creep.

I'm not jumping from man to man, either. He reached out to me. That doesn't mean I'm about to even think about going out with him. I just came looking for similar stories, not to be reminded of how pathetic I am.

This guy was a creep too. Why can't you be alone? You do not have to be in contact with everyone who reaches out.

i never said you were pathetic.

Also, you only dated this guy for a week. You did not have anything significant, other than a few hook ups. Then he ghosted you. I hope you block him.

I'm confused. Do you want to know this for your ego since you don't want to date anyone right now? If you are interested in dating him I'd limit the chatting -thank him for getting in touch and let him know if he'd like to meet up you'd be up for it. Then leave the ball in his court. If you don't want to date I wouldn't stay in contact with him. It was only a brief fling.

I'm confused. Do you want to know this for your ego since you don't want to date anyone right now? If you are interested in dating him I'd limit the chatting -thank him for getting in touch and let him know if he'd like to meet up you'd be up for it. Then leave the ball in his court. If you don't want to date I wouldn't stay in contact with him. It was only a brief fling.

I agree with Bat. Unless you want to date him, there really isn't any need to communicate. It was a short lived fling and you both kinda acted out of character and if I remember correctly you ignored our advice and did the 30 days of NC challenge and then reach out to him and he kinda jerked your around a little bit then as well.

That's not to say that his apology isn't sincere, what I'm tying to say is there's really no need to be friends with this guy. He apologized and that's amazing, what else is there after that?

Uif you do want to date him, is telling you not to isn't going to be worth a hill of beans, you do what you want, that's been proven, so my advice would be take it incredibly slow.

"Feeling Sad

It's been almost 2 months since the breakup up and I'm getting on ok. I'm still going to counseling and a week ago I started taking Prozac.

But some days, like today, I just feel incredibly sad. Sad that he didn't love me the way he said he did. Sad that he didn't love me enough to fight for me.

I know it's like beating a dead horse, going over this stuff again and again. I try not to think about it, but on days like today it hits me as soon as I wake up.

I'm not sure if it's about my self worth. I know I deserve better and I know one day I will find another man. It's not a feeling of hopelessness or desperation.

It's just....sadness. Does anyone else experience this?"

This is what was posted a few days ago. She is in no place to date.

^I don't know why the OP would want her ex back. He cheated then when confronted disappeared like a coward. Why would u want this sorta loser to fight for u? I would blank him full stop.

OP needs to be alone for at least 10 months. She is repeating similar patterns because she isn't learning.

I agree with Bat. Unless you want to date him, there really isn't any need to communicate. It was a short lived fling and you both kinda acted out of character and if I remember correctly you ignored our advice and did the 30 day NC challenge and then reached out to him and he kinda jerked your around a little bit then as well.

 

That's not to say that his apology isn't sincere, what I'm tying to say is there's really no need to be friends with this guy. He apologized and that's amazing, what else is there after that?

 

If you do want to date him, us telling you not to isn't going to be worth a hill of beans, you do what you want, that's been proven, so my advice would be take it incredibly slow.

I quoted myself, fixing my errors.

"Feeling Sad

It's been almost 2 months since the breakup up and I'm getting on ok. I'm still going to counseling and a week ago I started taking Prozac.

 

But some days, like today, I just feel incredibly sad. Sad that he didn't love me the way he said he did. Sad that he didn't love me enough to fight for me.

 

I know it's like beating a dead horse, going over this stuff again and again. I try not to think about it, but on days like today it hits me as soon as I wake up.

 

I'm not sure if it's about my self worth. I know I deserve better and I know one day I will find another man. It's not a feeling of hopelessness or desperation.

 

It's just....sadness. Does anyone else experience this?"

 

This is what was posted a few days ago. She is in no place to date.

I agree with you.

Some people simply have to learn the hard way. Weve been doing this with her for a year now, there are plenty of other posters who are the same, we give advice but they have to live their life, bad choices and all. She is going to continue with him. Thats not a shot at you Mizz, I promise, just past actions are a huge indicator of present actions and this is your modus operendi, you lose all logic when a man shows you interest, I think its much, much deeper than any of us realize. So theres no use in me saying, dont do this, so my advice is go slow, guard your heart, make sure you continue with therapy.

I quoted myself, fixing my errors.

 

 

I agree with you.

 

Some people simply have to learn the hard way. Weve been doing this with her for a year now, there are plenty of other posters who are the same, we give advice but they have to live their life, bad choices and all. She is going to continue with him. Thats not a shot at you Mizz, I promise, just past actions are a huge indicator of present actions and this is your modus operendi, you lose all logic when a man shows you interest, I think its much, much deeper than any of us realize. So theres no use in me saying, dont do this, so my advice is go slow, guard your heart, make sure you continue with therapy.

You are right.

Hey guys, so I had to take a hiatus and get myself straight.

I am casually chatting with this guy still, one or 2 texts a day, nothing major. I have not seen him nor have I really wanted to. I am still interested im him because we had such a good connection before, but I've let him know I'm not dating right now. And I mean it, I'm not dating right now because I know I need to stop with my destructive patterns.

I have been casually seeing a friend for a month or so. We go out and I guess you could call us FWB. It was crazy to start it but we discussed what we wanted from the start and I, surprisingly, havent developed any feelings for him past a fondness because we have a good time together. I have no interest in anything serious with him and I honestly think it's helping to keep me grounded.

I feel I am completely guarded right now, too. You could probably say I'm emotionally unavailable.

I'm actually starting to enjoy being single and with the help of prozac, I've gotten control of my anxiety. I'm feeling overall good.

I had a minor setback this past weekend when my ex text a pic of one of his kids from a new number, but I didn't respond and I've let it go.

I do appreciate everyone's advice. I do feel Holly was a bit too harsh, but I understand what she was saying.

Hey guys, so I had to take a hiatus and get myself straight.

 

I am casually chatting with this guy still, one or 2 texts a day, nothing major. I have not seen him nor have I really wanted to. I am still interested im him because we had such a good connection before, but I've let him know I'm not dating right now. And I mean it, I'm not dating right now because I know I need to stop with my destructive patterns.

 

I have been casually seeing a friend for a month or so. We go out and I guess you could call us FWB. It was crazy to start it but we discussed what we wanted from the start and I, surprisingly, havent developed any feelings for him past a fondness because we have a good time together. I have no interest in anything serious with him and I honestly think it's helping to keep me grounded.

 

I feel I am completely guarded right now, too. You could probably say I'm emotionally unavailable.

 

I'm actually starting to enjoy being single and with the help of prozac, I've gotten control of my anxiety. I'm feeling overall good.

 

I had a minor setback this past weekend when my ex text a pic of one of his kids from a new number, but I didn't respond and I've let it go.

I do appreciate everyone's advice. I do feel Holly was a bit too harsh, but I understand what she was saying.

The packaging might not have been the prettiest but it needed to be said.

Mizz eventually you're going to have to pull up your big girl pants and face all this.

You're on Prozac because your anxiety is bad, dating exasperates it, but you won't stop dating long enough to actually fix the problem or at least learn better coping skills. So you're treating the symptom while the disease slowly eats away at your flesh.

If I had to take a guess, I think the disease is your complete and utter inability to be alone. Which in turn causes you to date these men even after you see red flags. So they're a bad fit but you dive in first, which leaves you hurt, which exasperates your anxiety and rinse wash repeat

You cannot sit here and tell me you think a FWB is a good idea. With your attachment style you cannot tell me that. Same with keeping in contact with the guy who ghosted you. He didn't even come back and make it right, he just kinda pokes his head in every now and then. Both of these situations have the potential to hurt you, both.

I remember this part of your cycle last time when you first met your ex and people told you to tread with caution. It didn't go well so I'll back off a bit.

I'm not dating. I've known my FWB for over a year now, so he's not someone i just jumped into this with. Neither one of us are wanting anything serious. Yes, I know my attachment style plays a huge role in the crap I get myself into, but going into this knowing it is not going to lead anywhere is not the same as dating some guy hoping we will end up being together forever and getting crushed when it doesn't work out. I was having a casual thing with my FWB before I met my ex and had no problem cutting it off back then.

I totally know my pattern and I completely understand where you are coming from. I only respond to the other guy when he texts me. He tells me good morning and later he asks how my day was. That's basically it. I have no expectations or hope that anything will come of it. I know it's hard to believe me, but it's true.

I've come a long way and I still have far to go. I know this. My FWB gives me the attention I crave and I've learned thats all that I really want right now. I see him a few times a month and we don't really talk much when we aren't together.

My heart is not in EITHER situation because I don't want to be with anyone in a serious manner. I honestly don't. I spend the majority of my time alone or with my daughter, who is my main focus right now besides my emotional health.

*Reposting due to editing and adding*

So, I don't know if you all remember, if not, please read my first thread on here. "I've Made A Mess"

 

Last year, I jumped into a quick fling with a guy and fell hard for him. Then he basically faded away and stopped talking to me.

 

Well, today he messaged me an apology on Facebook and said when we met he was at a bad place in his life. His apology seemed sincere. He also said he was starting to get attached to me and it freaked him out.

 

He went on to say that he is 8 months sober now and doing much better and he said he feels horrible for how he treated me and has wanted to talk to he for a while but was afraid I wouldn't respond.

 

I'm not jumping the gun here and I'm obviously apprehensive. I do like that we are chatting again, but I'm not expecting it to go further. Plus, I'm not looking to date anyone right now.

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Do ya'll think his apology could he sincere or do you think he's just trying to put his feelers in?

Sounds like he was doing one of the steps of AA (Step 4 I think) where you make amends to those you've hurt in the past. Congratulate him on his sobriety, wish him luck in remaining so and then say goodbye. Don't keep talking to him. If he's in AA then he shouldn't even be thinking about dating (even for casual sex only) until at least one full year sober. Don't enable him to relapse by accepting someone in the midst of recovery back into your dating... (or bed) Don't enable yourself to relapse back to someone from your past who was afraid of getting too close.

Continue to work on yourself, your personal boundaries and your strength in order to enforce them and not let anyone cross them.

Leave him in the past and allow him to recover fully without you. That is the unselfish thing for you to do.

Adding: You are not helping yourself by being in a FWB situation yet again. Why can't you just be alone until you are ready to be in something meaningful with a good man worth being with?

Since I don't know your history, I'm just going to "ditto" everyone that you really need to stay away from getting involved.

That said, my experience has been that the second time doesn't fare much better than the first. Of course I'm also speaking about people who are more or less in a better place mentally and emotionally, but I think there must be something "off," maybe something not overtly known (chemistry?), that just causes the situation to just not click. That's not to say it's impossible to reconnect successfully, many have done it, but I would say these situations are more rare. I have been the instigator in connecting a second time, but mostly it's the guys that have fully ghosted and then circle back around, and even old boyfriends, years later, and it hasn't been different...same sh**, different month.

My personal experience is second-timers are just a repeat of the first, and in the situation of some unhealthy behaviors and personalities, I wouldn't put much stock getting involved a second time is a good idea.

By 'dating' I mean involving yourself with men. At this point you shouldnt even be allowing the bag boy to take your groceries to the car.

I'm just going to follow my own advice:

Some people simply have to learn the hard way. Weve been doing this with her for [over] a year now, there are plenty of other posters who are the same, we give advice but they have to live their life, bad choices and all. She is going to continue [doing these things]. Thats not a shot at you Mizz, I promise, just past actions are a huge indicator of present actions and this is your modus operendi, you lose all logic when a man shows you interest, I think its much, much deeper than any of us realize. So theres no use in me saying, dont do this, so my advice is go slow, guard your heart, make sure you continue with therapy.

I thought I was doing good by staying away from OLD and not trying to find a new relationship.

You are all right, I do not like to be alone. I like having a man in my life in some capacity. It all stems from my father not being in my life.

I know you are all just trying to help me and I am taking everything ya'll say seriously. I'm not even sure when/if I'll see my FWB again. I'm not really concerned with it. I started seeing him to help get over my ex and it worked. It wasn't the best idea but my therapist says as long as I feel okay with what I'm doing then it's ok.

As far as the other guy, like I said, I only respond to him. I'm not in pursuit of him and I'm not even entertaining the idea of us going out. Not just because I'm not ready. He's in no position to be dating. But I'm not going to just ignore him.

Understood.

Im very happy you are in therapy.

I thought I was doing good by staying away from OLD and not trying to find a new relationship.

 

You are all right, I do not like to be alone. I like having a man in my life in some capacity. It all stems from my father not being in my life.

 

I know you are all just trying to help me and I am taking everything ya'll say seriously. I'm not even sure when/if I'll see my FWB again. I'm not really concerned with it. I started seeing him to help get over my ex and it worked. It wasn't the best idea but my therapist says as long as I feel okay with what I'm doing then it's ok.

 

As far as the other guy, like I said, I only respond to him. I'm not in pursuit of him and I'm not even entertaining the idea of us going out. Not just because I'm not ready. He's in no position to be dating. But I'm not going to just ignore him.

So if I feel ok about having another piece of cake right before bed because it tastes good then it's ok even if it means I won't sleep well and lose focus the next day? That's not "therapy" - that's just telling someone what they want to hear "if it feels good do it". How has that worked for you? Your wanting a man in your life has to do with your choices. It has to do with how you are choosing to react to your father's role or lack thereof in your life. It stems from your choices, not from your father. Focus on your responsibility, your accountability and your control over analyzing risk/benefit -the risk of short term gratification "if it feels ok, then do it" and the benefit of self-talk "I see that I'm about to make an unhealthy choice and I know it's triggered by neediness which is also not healthy. So I'm going to do ____ to make sure I consider it with my head. The blank could be 30 minutes of cardio, a therapy session, calling a friend even as a distraction ,etc.

So if I feel ok about having another piece of cake right before bed because it tastes good then it's ok even if it means I won't sleep well and lose focus the next day? That's not "therapy" - that's just telling someone what they want to hear "if it feels good do it". How has that worked for you? Your wanting a man in your life has to do with your choices. It has to do with how you are choosing to react to your father's role or lack thereof in your life. It stems from your choices, not from your father. Focus on your responsibility, your accountability and your control over analyzing risk/benefit -the risk of short term gratification "if it feels ok, then do it" and the benefit of self-talk "I see that I'm about to make an unhealthy choice and I know it's triggered by neediness which is also not healthy. So I'm going to do ____ to make sure I consider it with my head. The blank could be 30 minutes of cardio, a therapy session, calling a friend even as a distraction ,etc.

Well said.