Bad second date with someone in my social circle, now what?

I met a woman at a party a couple of weeks ago. We went on a first date Saturday, which was two drinks in about 2 hours. I thought the first date went pretty well and ended with a quick kiss. I asked her for a second date the next day and we planned to meet for dinner Tuesday(last night).

On Tuesday morning, I got up extra early to discuss the details of a job offer I recently received with my new potential employer. I then worked a full day. She couldn’t meet for dinner until 8, so I was pretty tired from a long day and the ongoing stress of job negotiations. I had a cup of tea before the date but was still not on my “A” game.

She ended up arriving 15 min late for the date, which I didn’t care about. However, the reason she was late is that she was at a “church group” meeting. Unfortunately, I’m agnostic and the thought of dating someone even a little religious does not sit well with me. My “gut feelings” started sending these abort mission signals to the logical part of my brain immediately. She wasn’t particularly clear about the details of the group and I felt horrible about having these abort mission feelings right out of the gate. Anyway, I tried to change the subject, hoping to lift my energy levels, to something light and fun but things just seemed to fall flat. I think the combination of stress, fatigue, and a major turn off out of the gate were just too much to overcome and flip into flirty/jokey mode.

At the end of the date, I felt like a deer in the headlights. I didn’t know what to do and froze up. Things ended with an awkward hug.

After beating myself on the way home, I panicked and texted her stating that I had a nice time but the food made me very sluggish/sleepy. I then said “My brother is going to be in town for the weekend, but let’s catch up next week?”

She never replied to the message. I’m not sure if there is anything more I should do. Normally, I’d just let this fade away but I’m sure I’ll end up seeing her again at a social gathering. I am open to a third date under more favorable circumstances, but wouldn’t feel bad at all if we never go out again. What should I do??

I am open to a third date under more favorable circumstances, but wouldn’t feel bad at all if we never go out again. What should I do??

You don't sound very enthusiastic about dating her. Maybe you should just move along. See if she contacts you.

Well, you certainly didn't do anything wrong!

I think screwed yourself over a little by saying it was the food that made you feel sluggish / sleepy; honesty was truly the best policy here, and the honest fact was that you were tired from a long day at work and the stress from a potential job offer. It would have also demonstrated you're a hard worker and motivated, qualities women generally tend to find attractive and would have put you in much better light.

In terms of salvaging the situation, I'd wait another day or two to see if she replies, and if not then send her ONE more text asking if she wants to catch up on X day at Y time. If there's no response, cut your losses. If there is and she's open to meeting, you can casually mention if (or apologise that) you seemed off during your second date, for the reasons mentioned.

As for her religion, at the end of the day it's your choice to decide whether or not it's something you can accept in a potential partner. There's plenty of relationships that crumble due to differences in religion, but there's also plenty that are healthy and long-lasting. That all said, it's only your second (third?) date, so it's not worth stressing over too much. Maybe bring it up later on down the line, as for all you know it's important for her to have someone on a similar wavelength...or she may not even be bothered at all.

I'm agnostic, but I wouldn't be getting "abort mission" feelings or having my enthusiasm for the rest of the date fall flat simply for a woman mentioning a church group. Then again, I'm marrying a Christian next month. Regardless, you're entitled to your deal breakers, but why bother having them if you're not going to actually cater your selections around them? Don't follow up again and just act normal if you two happen to catch each other at a party in the future.

It's only as big a deal as you make of it.

Well, you certainly didn't do anything wrong!

I feel like I really dropped the ball at the end of the date when we were parting ways. You are right, I should have been honest about being tired from the long day but I panicked. I just felt like things didn’t go very smoothly due to my lack of energy and was grasping for straws. The religion thing is a not necessarily a big deal, I’m open to other people’s opinions as long as they don’t judge me in return.

Honestly, the date felt flat which is why I panicked at the end. I wasn’t sure if I should make a move or not. It didn’t feel like there was very good chemistry compared to the first date. Maybe it was just my perception?

I like the strategy of waiting a couple days and checking in with a specific date time/place. Thanks!

I feel like I really dropped the ball at the end of the date when we were parting ways. You are right, I should have been honest about being tired from the long day but I panicked. I just felt like things didn’t go very smoothly due to my lack of energy and was grasping for straws. The religion thing is a not necessarily a big deal, I’m open to other people’s opinions as long as they don’t judge me in return.

 

Honestly, the date felt flat which is why I panicked at the end. I wasn’t sure if I should make a move or not. It didn’t feel like there was very good chemistry compared to the first date. Maybe it was just my perception?

 

I like the strategy of waiting a couple days and checking in with a specific date time/place. Thanks!

Depending on the individual, dates can be highly stressful activities...so panicking isn't exactly unheard of when it comes to the situation you faced. Ultimately, she probably thought nothing of it, so it's best to put it out of your mind.

Yes, if you felt uncomfortable / tired then you probably weren't interpreting the atmosphere / event as well as you normally could have done.

I feel like I really dropped the ball at the end of the date when we were parting ways. You are right, I should have been honest about being tired from the long day but I panicked. I just felt like things didn’t go very smoothly due to my lack of energy and was grasping for straws. The religion thing is a not necessarily a big deal, I’m open to other people’s opinions as long as they don’t judge me in return.

 

Honestly, the date felt flat which is why I panicked at the end. I wasn’t sure if I should make a move or not. It didn’t feel like there was very good chemistry compared to the first date. Maybe it was just my perception?

 

I like the strategy of waiting a couple days and checking in with a specific date time/place. Thanks!

Whyyyy? If you already came across a deal breaker and don't actually want to date her anymore? You texted her, she didn't respond. The ball is in her court and her silence is loud and clear - the lack of interest is mutual. Probably best that you just leave this be.

Other than that, when it comes to dates, you aren't a dancing monkey there to entertain her, so maybe don't be so hard on yourself and don't try so hard. Being human is acceptable and if she likes you, it will do just fine. If she doesn't, no amount of joking around will help you anyway.

Nothing really happened, nothing went horribly wrong. Next time you see her, just be normal and civil. You have nothing to get worked up about.

I wouldn’t say it’s a dealbreaker. I was actually rather confused about what this “church group” consists of. She said the group met at a bar and there was a person lecturing.

Either way, would you interpret this as a question that was left unanswered or was it too vague/rhetorical:

“My brother is going to be in town for the weekend, but let’s catch up next week?”

I don’t have a problem with rejection, just hate when things are left unclear. All part of a poorly executed evening.

I wouldn’t say it’s a dealbreaker. I was actually rather confused about what this “church group” consists of. She said the group met at a bar and there was a person lecturing.

 

Either way, would you interpret this as a question that was left unanswered or was it too vague/rhetorical:

 

“My brother is going to be in town for the weekend, but let’s catch up next week?”

 

I don’t have a problem with rejection, just hate when things are left unclear. All part of a poorly executed evening.

The reason I suggest sending a second text is because there may be a reason for a lack of response first time around, such as being busy or not getting a notification.

A follow-up text is fine, but after that...leave her be. :)

I think you need to be honest with yourself if you are genuinely interested in dating her any further or if you are just trying to make up for what you perceive was a bad date.

As for your question, yes, it does require a response from her. If she was interested, she'd have at least responded with something affirmative like "yes, let's do." or some such. You got silence. Silence is generally a "NO". I'd say let the lying dogs sleep unless you are sooo totally into her that you are desperate to fire off another attempt at setting up a date, in which case, reach out, but don't hold your breath for an enthusiastic response. Truly seems like a case where perhaps the interest/chemistry are mutually lacking.

I've myself gone out on dates like that - there is nothing particularly wrong, just meh. No big deal and when we run into each other at events, you are both just friendly and civil like you'd always be anyway. The mutual fade out actually makes it easy. Probably would be more difficult if one or the other pursued too much.

I think you need to be honest with yourself if you are genuinely interested in dating her any further or if you are just trying to make up for what you perceive was a bad date.

 

As for your question, yes, it does require a response from her. If she was interested, she'd have at least responded with something affirmative like "yes, let's do." or some such. You got silence. Silence is generally a "NO". I'd say let the lying dogs sleep unless you are sooo totally into her that you are desperate to fire off another attempt at setting up a date, in which case, reach out, but don't hold your breath for an enthusiastic response. Truly seems like a case where perhaps the interest/chemistry are mutually lacking.

 

I've myself gone out on dates like that - there is nothing particularly wrong, just meh. No big deal and when we run into each other at events, you are both just friendly and civil like you'd always be anyway. The mutual fade out actually makes it easy. Probably would be more difficult if one or the other pursued too much.

I agree that this likely will be a mutual fade out. Totally fine if you don't want to date someone who is religiously involved and often (based on personal experience) you can find out about the person's religion/religious involvement, if any, very early on, even before the first date. I'd probably reevaluate whether you really want to take that rigid a stance on religious involvement.

I’m not super rigid on it, just more of a preference. Most people compatible with me are probably not going to be the church going type inherently. I’m more of a free thinker, science type person with a more non-conformist attitude towards life.

I think that second date was just sort of meh to bad. The religious thing wasn’t the end of the world but that combined with the other circumstances didn’t help.

I’m not a fan of no communication as a means of communication. I mean the “I’m just not feeling it” thing is way less awkward than radio silence.

Would you at least give a polite rejection to someone in your social circle as opposed to leaving things hanging?

I’m really just trying to avoid future awkwardness, any tips?

Would you at least give a polite rejection to someone in your social circle as opposed to leaving things hanging?

 

I’m really just trying to avoid future awkwardness, any tips?

Not necessarily. It's not down to situation, but an individual thing. Some people are really just not good at rejecting others in any capacity.

That said, I'm still not 100% on her ghosting / rejecting you. Plenty of examples out there of people who forget to text back, are busy etc. Depending on how much you'd like a third date I recommend a follow-up, followed by complete silence after that unless responded to.

As for tips; it may be a little awkward, but just be civil. Dating within a social circle can get really messy, so it's best not to stir the waters trying to do anything different to avoid awkwardness and it's best to continue on being normal.

I actually thought dating in the social circle might lead to a better fit but I guess it’s not much different. Lol

I actually thought dating in the social circle might lead to a better fit but I guess it’s not much different. Lol

It can, because you have shared connections and (presumably) interests. In fact, it can make for some very long-lasting, healthy relationships.

Unfortunately, it can also have the complete opposite effect. It can be an all or nothing scenario, unfortunately.

If she says nothing, you say nothing. Pretend like it's not awkward - you both came to the same conclusion. Be friendly the next time you bump into each other, but not overly so, and don't bring up the date again.

If she brings things up, be honest and say that you respect her as a person but on the second date didn't feel like you matched romantically.

I’m not super rigid on it, just more of a preference. Most people compatible with me are probably not going to be the church going type inherently. I’m more of a free thinker, science type person with a more non-conformist attitude towards life.

 

I think that second date was just sort of meh to bad. The religious thing wasn’t the end of the world but that combined with the other circumstances didn’t help.

 

I’m not a fan of no communication as a means of communication. I mean the “I’m just not feeling it” thing is way less awkward than radio silence.

 

Would you at least give a polite rejection to someone in your social circle as opposed to leaving things hanging?

 

I’m really just trying to avoid future awkwardness, any tips?

Honestly, most people will absolutely chicken out at spelling out an outright rejection and especially when they anticipate running into the person again. People prefer a mutual fade out as it's just less confrontational. You don't have to like it, but probably a good idea to accept it and shrug it off and move on without further ado. Rather than treating silence as confusing, accept that silence = rejection and there is really nothing confusing about that. A very straightforward equation for a scientific mind.

Honestly, most people will absolutely chicken out at spelling out an outright rejection and especially when they anticipate running into the person again. People prefer a mutual fade out as it's just less confrontational. You don't have to like it, but probably a good idea to accept it and shrug it off and move on without further ado. Rather than treating silence as confusing, accept that silence = rejection and there is really nothing confusing about that. A very straightforward equation for a scientific mind.

I won’t feel bad or awkward. I know annoying fading is so I would never do that to a person I half way respect. It’s so cowardly and actually makes things worse, not better. I have no problem with rejections, I just get annoyed having to wait around to assume someone is ghosting me. It’s really childish and rude.

Dude. Let it go.

I've had dates like this and because I was having such a tough time finding the right person, I tried to pretend I liked the person even if the date was meh on my end or mutually. That always ended in me breaking the bad news later down the line when I really couldn't fake it anymore. THAT'S what you're doing.

Not everyone you meet is going to be a good match for you. In fact, most people are not going to be good matches. That's why dating is usually a lengthy process.

As for the religion issue, I dont buy that its not a big issue for you because when she told you she had just had her church group, that was enough to put you off to the point where it fizzled out the date. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone who doesn't share your beliefs/values etc. I couldn't do it. I tried once and I ended up getting so annoyed with the preachy nonsense I called it off. Even if someone isn't preachy about their religion, it still might not work. That mismatch is a deal breaker for a lot of people and for some important reasons.

Let this one go. Be honest with yourself. The chemistry wasn't there. It was awkward. The religion issue IS a problem for you. Plenty of fish in the sea. Don't waste time and effort on one who you feel lukewarm about.

Plus I have a strong feeling she's ghosting you anyway. I don't think she feels it either. If she wanted another date she would've texted you back to set up plans. Anddd she didn't so... there's your answer right there. Plenty of people ghost/fade and yes it's not too nice but neither is the world sometimes. You just have to roll with the punches.

Next time, don't get so hung up on someone after one date. You don't know her yet and there's a possible deal breaker involved. No reason to keep brooding about it. Let it go.

Best of luck to you in the future and keep your chin up

I wouldn’t say it’s a dealbreaker. I was actually rather confused about what this “church group” consists of. She said the group met at a bar and there was a person lecturing.

Whoa.... Let's take a step back. A church group meeting at a bar??? This sounds like an "oxymoron". Is this a drinking church group? This should have led to an interesting conversation for the night.