Summertime sadness

Background: my ex [22] split up with me [22] in April 2017, seemingly out of the blue after some tensions between us at uni. We spent every day together, he was fully integrated in my life and my friends and so was I. We were so tight, and supposed to move in together when we graduated a couple of months later. It broke my heart beyond repair but out of love for him and not having the strength to lose him I kept in contact when he contacted me and met with him for days out when he asked me if I wanted to. I never brought up feelings but we did reminisce about our relationship. I thought it meant something but I was always too scared to push it. I always pretended to be OK with everything even though I was dying inside, because I never wanted to make him feel bad for the decisions he made. I would go home and break down. Wet met up several times over the past year even though we weren't living close to each other any more, and spoke fairly frequently otherwise (initiated by him) even when he was away volunteering in Nepal with little internet, arranging when we would see each other. Neither of us had a relationship in that time and on my part it just made for a year of bottled feelings hoping his efforts meant he hadn't let go yet and we still had a chance, but never really knowing how he felt.

The last time we went out together was in March this year but we were still talking in April. Fast forward to the end of April and I find out through social media he's seeing someone, a pre-uni 19 year old that he met doing volunteering in Nepal that lives the other side of the UK. Just like that I never heard from him again, as if I never existed this year. I fell apart. Then totally unexpected I was at a festival this weekend and he was there with her and all of her friends and the pain was indescribable. I was so hurt but I knew this was the first time he was meeting these people and he would be making a real effort to make a good impression and I didn't want to ruin that. Out of love for him again I had to stand there metres away from the person I love and pretend I'd never met him while I watch him being happy with someone else like he used to be with me.

I always just wonder if there was anything I could have done that could've made this outcome different. If in trying to respect him and set him free I just made it easier for him to move on. I suppose I hoped he'd message me at least to apologise for not having it in him or respecting me enough to tell me he met someone else, or pretending I didn't exist this weekend after the life we had together, and instead just falling off the face of the earth. I understand why he did it, it just hurts me that my considerate actions will never be acknowledged and I'll never know if he was just too scared and awkward or if he really doesn't care.

I'm still wishing that he'll come back. I don't want to live in a world where people can be like this to people they were supposed to love.

What you could have done, was go NC, after he dumped you. As you can see, he strung you along for a year, with no intention of reconciliation.

You cannot be friends, if there are feelings. As you can see. You pushed yourself into the friend zone, and made yourself too available.

In the future, never agree to the friend card. Either they want full reconciliation, or you go complete NC. You will save yourself a lot of pain. The worst part of this, is he knew your feelings, yet kept contacting you. That's terrible selfish. He is not a nice guy.

You have already wasted a year of your life. Move on. You want a guy that treated you like this? You really need to address your low self worth.

He wasn't scared, he had simply moved on. You need to face the truth. He no longer has feelings.

Don't allow people to treat you like this. You need to block and delete,

Hollyj said it all. We hear the same story over and over again. When a relationship breaks up, it just hurts the person who's been dumped too much to keep seeing their former partner. We all wish after a break up that the other person will change their mind and come back, but that rarely happens. The best thing is No Contact so you can heal as fast as possible.

Aww, I'm so sorry :(

 

You have to find the strength to push forward and let him go.

I know it hurts like hell, wondering how he could do this, but if in a year there was no talk of getting back together, then in his mind he was done and wanting to explore someone else. It seems so very cruel but often this is the case. The ex will drop off when they meet someone else they are attracted to and get involved with. You were comfortable and convenient, and being his friend. Until he met someone else. Do yourself a favor and don't contact him. Delete him from social media. Delete his number from your phone. His not acknowledging you when you saw one another speaks volumes. This new girl is his priority. That's such a sting but remind yourself you deserve better. He didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you, but honestly it's worse to find out indirectly. That was cowardly of him. Let him go. If he's not looking for you, he does not care for you like you do him. Don't waste any more of your time nor heart on him.

Thank you. I know this is true. I wish I could stop the protective mechanism trying to convince me it might not be over forever even though I know it is. Wish I could picture a future without him instead of feeling so lost

Listen, I did some of the same. I wasted about three months on some fool, who had no intention of coming back.

Learn from this. The first step is not seeing yourself as a victim. You were an active participant, and still are. Once you realize it over and see your place in ALLOWING this to continue, you will move on with your life. You have wasted a year. Do not waste another.

You guys were together 1.5 years, and you have now lost similar time waiting for him to return to you. Not good.

Have you considered counseling?

You guys were together 1.5 years, and you have now lost similar time waiting for him to return to you. Not good.

 

Have you considered counseling?

Yeah I've had a few sessions and have some more booked. I am aware and regret massively how long this is taking. I know that my self-esteem is non-existent at the moment, I used to take risks and jump into things with a free spirit which is how we got together in the first place. That is not me any more. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, which in turn worsens the depression. I have great friends and have made all the physical steps that should give me a chance at moving on from this, I just got offered a place on a masters course in London (he lives in Manchester and I was supposed to live there with him) to try and give me a fresh start. I just am absolutely s*** scared of not being well enough to handle the course or having the courage to reclaim the person I was before/with him.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know it's painful, and just know, for whatever its worth, that your pain is seen here and respected.

Try, hard as it is, not to beat yourself up over this. Relationships, feelings, attachments: it's all a wild, crazy gamble. Sometimes in throes of heartache we hold space for an ex, knowing its a risk, but a risk we're willing to take in hopes of something coming back around. And sometimes that leads to real pain, greater heartache, and it's in that pain that we grow and change in ways that allows us to evolve and, eventually, meet the people we're meant to meet and be with.

I'm 38, so I have some years on you. In those years I've been on both sides of this. When I was much younger, I was in your boyfriend's shoes: a gf around your age and I broke up, we kept in touch for a year, sleeping together on and off, I met someone else and that was that. She and I have since become friends, so I'm aware of just how hard that was for her, how devastated she was, how much she was keeping inside in hopes that I'd "come around." And, the truth is, I hoped I'd come around too, in some nebulous way. I loved her, she was/is a magnificent woman, but without real space to fully miss her and process what we had we just spun around in a destructive purgatory. I wasn't maliciously using her for sex and/or comfort—I was just confused, doing my best. But my best back then was pretty weak, her best wasn't enough to magically make me better, and neither of us were doing the other (or ourselves) any favors by playing around in the gray zone.

A few years later I found myself in the other position with an ex who broke up with me. Oh, I was crushed! She was the confused one, we stayed in touch, kept sleeping together on occasion, I hoped we'd get back together, I swallowed down a lot of feelings, it didn't work out. Being a bit older (early 30s) I could kind of take it without spinning too hard. I basically knew the stakes, knew the risks, knew the odds of getting her tom come around weren't in my favor. But I was willing to gamble, because the heart is funny. And I lost. And it hurt. And, at last, I REALLY learned that it's near impossible for this sort of purgatory to lead back to something solid.

Moral of the story: sometimes we put ourselves through some real pain to learn things, and what you've learned here is that these sorts of purgatories just suck. Relationships only really work when two people want them the same way, and you just can't force that. When it's not working you just have to let go, move on, process the pain. And, hey, if it's meant to come around it just...will. In REAL time. With REAL space. From an angle you never saw coming—and 99 percent of the time when it "comes around" it will be with a new person, because you made the space required.

Yeah I've had a few sessions and have some more booked. I am aware and regret massively how long this is taking. I know that my self-esteem is non-existent at the moment, I used to take risks and jump into things with a free spirit which is how we got together in the first place. That is not me any more. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, which in turn worsens the depression. I have great friends and have made all the physical steps that should give me a chance at moving on from this, I just got offered a place on a masters course in London (he lives in Manchester and I was supposed to live there with him) to try and give me a fresh start. I just am absolutely s*** scared of not being well enough to handle the course or having the courage to reclaim the person I was before/with him.

Oh Hon, You will.

My break was also very painful, but what I learned made me a stronger more independent person. I am very grateful for that relationship, as it showed me much about myself, and I that needed to change. You can, and will get there, if YOU choose. You can choose to hold on to the past, or you can choose to move forward. But first, you must accept that this is over.

Block and delete all contact info. Then, you will not be waiting to hear from him. Do not ever waste your entire future on someone who does not value you. Ever! You have an amazing future ahead. Live your life to the fullest.

You have already wasted a year on this guy, don't waste another.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know it's painful, and just know, for whatever its worth, that your pain is seen here and respected.

 

Try, hard as it is, not to beat yourself up over this. Relationships, feelings, attachments: it's all a wild, crazy gamble. Sometimes in throes of heartache we hold space for an ex, knowing its a risk, but a risk we're willing to take in hopes of something coming back around. And sometimes that leads to real pain, greater heartache, and it's in that pain that we grow and change in ways that allows us to evolve and, eventually, meet the people we're meant to meet and be with.

 

I'm 38, so I have some years on you. In those years I've been on both sides of this. When I was much younger, I was in your boyfriend's shoes: a gf around your age and I broke up, we kept in touch for a year, sleeping together on and off, I met someone else and that was that. She and I have since become friends, so I'm aware of just how hard that was for her, how devastated she was, how much she was keeping inside in hopes that I'd "come around." And, the truth is, I hoped I'd come around too, in some nebulous way. I loved her, she was/is a magnificent woman, but without real space to fully miss her and process what we had we just spun around in a destructive purgatory. I wasn't maliciously using her for sex and/or comfort—I was just confused, doing my best. But my best back then was pretty weak, her best wasn't enough to magically make me better, and neither of us were doing the other (or ourselves) any favors by playing around in the gray zone.

 

A few years later I found myself in the other position with an ex who broke up with me. Oh, I was crushed! She was the confused one, we stayed in touch, kept sleeping together on occasion, I hoped we'd get back together, I swallowed down a lot of feelings, it didn't work out. Being a bit older (early 30s) I could kind of take it without spinning too hard. I basically knew the stakes, knew the risks, knew the odds of getting her tom come around weren't in my favor. But I was willing to gamble, because the heart is funny. And I lost. And it hurt. And, at last, I REALLY learned that it's near impossible for this sort of purgatory to lead back to something solid.

 

Moral of the story: sometimes we put ourselves through some real pain to learn things, and what you've learned here is that these sorts of purgatories just suck. Relationships only really work when two people want them the same way, and you just can't force that. When it's not working you just have to let go, move on, process the pain. And, hey, if it's meant to come around it just...will. In REAL time. With REAL space. From an angle you never saw coming—and 99 percent of the time when it "comes around" it will be with a new person, because you made the space required.

This was very emotional for me to read but I'm very grateful for your post. There has been a lack of maturity and I know we're so young, he was never very forward with emotions in tough times whereas I always want to be and I know that's played a part in it. Nobody communicated and it has ended up in this purgatory that's just caused so much hurt for me for so long. I have to step away now and try to mend myself. I really can't ask for more than his happiness because he means so much to me and hopefully somewhere down the line there will be no more pain

Oh Hon, You will.

 

My break was also very painful, but what I learned made me a stronger more independent person. I am very grateful for that relationship, as it showed me much about myself, and I that needed to change. You can, and will get there, if YOU choose. You can choose to hold on to the past, or you can choose to move forward. But first, you must accept that this is over.

 

Block and delete all contact info. Then, you will not be waiting to hear from him. Do not ever waste your entire future on someone who does not value you. Ever! You have an amazing future ahead. Live your life to the fullest.

 

You have already wasted a year on this guy, don't waste another.

Yep. I already know this year has changed me so much, in a future relationship I'd have so many more skills in making it work and I've learnt so much tolerance, it's just a shame that it's come as a result of taking full responsibility for everything that went wrong, and trying to better myself while he's probably walked along scot-free. My therapist said something along the lines of that I'm trying to be too 'grown up' and mature to him and I don't treat myself like I deserve more or even just give myself a break

You need to put full focus on your own life. Never wait around for anyone to choose you!

Sorry to hear you're going through this, metrognome.

NC is the way to go. You made a mistake by keeping in contact post-breakup and it's delayed your healing, but it sounds as if you're taking the right steps to move past this and place more focus on yourself / your life. Most importantly, keep at it!

I think we've all gone through breakups where we think what could have been if we had done X or said X, but ultimately it doesn't matter because nothing you do could influence how they feel. They have to work that bit out of their own. In this case, he simply met someone else who he wanted to get to know and work things out with. It doesn't mean he doesn't think of you, doesn't value the time you had etc. Believe me when I say he hasn't gotten away "scot-free" without experiencing emotional pain.

You'll be fine. Take each day as it comes, talk to us if you need to, and keep the focus on yourself. Mr Right is just around the corner. :)

Might just be my emotional state at the moment but I'm really touched by everyone's thoughtful responses to people/me considering you don't know me. You're all good people and got me weepin. Thank you

You're all good people and got me weepin.

Daw, we'll send you a box of tissues!

So I went onto instagram one last time before I deleted it and his flatmate posted a story of him and his rucksack wasn't the one I bought him anymore and it made me cry. Someone quickly tell me this is stupid child stuff and to stop being such an idiot. He also sent me a snap today as the first form of any contact since he started seeing this girl, ¿why? To see if he can get to me more? Needless to say snapchat has now gone too.

So I went onto instagram one last time before I deleted it and his flatmate posted a story of him and his rucksack wasn't the one I bought him anymore and it made me cry. Someone quickly tell me this is stupid child stuff and to stop being such an idiot. He also sent me a snap today as the first form of any contact since he started seeing this girl, ¿why? To see if he can get to me more? Needless to say snapchat has now gone too.

This is stupid child stuff and you should stop being such an idiot.

...feel any better?

In all seriousness, good job on deleting him off Snapchat, though I'm not sure why you needed to delete your Instagram account? Blocking him and setting your profile to private would have been good enough.

As for the attempt at contact; some people don't understand reasonable boundaries when it's post-breakup. For some, staying in contact with ex's is totally fine and expected, and for other it's not okay and they need time to heal. You fall in the latter camp, as most of us do, but you have a certain degree of control on how to react to this. You've done well, not responding and deleting him, and that's what you need to keep on doing. He'll get the hint.

Smile, metrognome! We're here for you!

Moment of madness. We're good now. I'm doing good. I am me. My life is mine, etc

Read through this again this morning and I'm feeling a bit better today. Stepping away from the bad vibes and I'm finally starting to look forward to September and a clean slate.

Bad few days - having traumatic ex-related nightmares every night without fail what is that about?!?! It still takes a good hour after waking up to come to terms with them and remember they're not real, but in that time they really are. They're probably the most intense dreams I ever remember having had in my life. Weird.

Was in a good place at the start of the week but not now. Really angry at myself for being so weak the past year, for still feeling in this pathetic state for someone with so little respect for me now. I don't really think I realised that's what it boils down to, doubt it was intentional on his part, but I have been a doormat and this frustrates me massively. I also feel angry at him although I don't hate him, and it's an emotion I don't enjoy and that doesn't sit well with me.

Really want to be over this and have my self-respect back, not sat here deliberating on what liking an old photo of us meant lol. ahhh

Take a deep breath. Like, seriously, absurd as it sounds, really do it. Then again. Then again.

The real challenge here, and the road toward that self-respect you're searching for, comes through self-compassion. Giving yourself time and space to feel all this without the self-directed anger, the judging of yourself as weak. Being emotional is never weak. It's human. Believe it or not, it's what real strength looks like, if you can harness it with gentle hands.

Think of your feelings like weather systems. One day it's sunny, the next it's rainy. We don't look at the rainy day as the world backsliding into some lesser state—no, it's just doing its thing. Yeah, it was a nicer day for a picnic when it was sunny, but the rainy day has its purpose too, and we adjust to accommodate the rain. We stay in and think instead of a picnic. We go to the movies. Maybe we just mope for a bit. And on the next sunny day it's a bit greener out there because of the rain, you know, and we appreciate that green in a way we didn't a week earlier.

A little related glimpse into my life. I'm 8 months out of a relationship, in a pretty good spot. I recently met someone who seems fantastic, and we're having a blast getting to know each other: intimacy, connection, all that. Work, too, is going well, but my work is in a creative field that often has me mining my own life for material, and at the moment some of that is coming from my breakup. Moral of the story: this week I too have had some unexpected dreams about my ex-gf. Not quite nightmares, but still: there she is, emerging from my subconscious, a reminder of the past and the places where my wounds remain fresher than I'd like. Sure, it's a bit frustrating. Like, c'mon, can't I just enjoy this new life and new person I've worked so damn hard to cultivate?!

But then I take one of those breaths. A few of them. A passing rain, not a verdict on my weakness, just like your dreams aren't a verdict on yours.