How to choose between two guys?

Good morning everyone. I've recently ended up in a situation where I met two guys on two online dating apps that I hit it off with.

I've met both guys, and I like both of them a lot, for different reasons.

One of them I felt an instant physical attraction to when we met in person, I was strongly drawn to him, but I'm not sure if it's just a physical thing. He is very nice, funny, easy to talk to. We have some big differences between us though. We live about 90 minutes from each other, he is a city guy whereas I'm a country girl. He has a large social circle and I am a loner and not completely comfortable with joining a large group of new people.

The second guy, when we met the first time, I didn't feel any kind of spark between us. He was very intelligent and we had some long interesting conversations. I have a lot more in common with him than the other guy. He is a country boy, loner, lives less than 30 minutes from me.

I actually went on an amazing second date with him this weekend, we had an incredibly fun day and I could see this as someone I would enjoy spending time with, but even after that amazing day I still didn't feel a strong attraction or a spark between us. I saw him yesterday and I still didn't feel the spark! I feel like he is the better choice for me, but I don't get that strong attraction and spark between us like I did with the other guy.

I feel guilty for continuing to talk to both of them and I want to make a decision about which one I want to give my full attention to, but I keep struggling with the decision. How do I make this decision? If you were in my situation, which one would you choose? Is there a chance a spark could develop between me and the more compatible guy?

I'm so torn and feel I should make a decision soon or just walk away from both.

Personally, I’d cut off the first guy simply because I’m not into long distance relationships. It’s true that 90 minutes away isn’t terribly far, but you can’t just pop over for an evening during the week or just grab a movie or whatever. It’s inconvenient and you said you don’t have a whole lot in common - so I would “next” him, personally.

Once he’s out of the picture, you may find things grow with the 2nd guy. You may be simply comparing him to the attraction you have with the first.

Neither of these guys may be the right one for you, but I would give the 2nd guy a chance.

Good morning everyone. I've recently ended up in a situation where I met two guys on two online dating apps that I hit it off with.

 

I've met both guys, and I like both of them a lot, for different reasons.

 

One of them I felt an instant physical attraction to when we met in person, I was strongly drawn to him, but I'm not sure if it's just a physical thing. He is very nice, funny, easy to talk to. We have some big differences between us though. We live about 90 minutes from each other, he is a city guy whereas I'm a country girl. He has a large social circle and I am a loner and not completely comfortable with joining a large group of new people.

 

The second guy, when we met the first time, I didn't feel any kind of spark between us. He was very intelligent and we had some long interesting conversations. I have a lot more in common with him than the other guy. He is a country boy, loner, lives less than 30 minutes from me.

 

I actually went on an amazing second date with him this weekend, we had an incredibly fun day and I could see this as someone I would enjoy spending time with, but even after that amazing day I still didn't feel a strong attraction or a spark between us. I saw him yesterday and I still didn't feel the spark! I feel like he is the better choice for me, but I don't get that strong attraction and spark between us like I did with the other guy.

 

I feel guilty for continuing to talk to both of them and I want to make a decision about which one I want to give my full attention to, but I keep struggling with the decision. How do I make this decision? If you were in my situation, which one would you choose? Is there a chance a spark could develop between me and the more compatible guy?

 

I'm so torn and feel I should make a decision soon or just walk away from both.

Neither. Find someone that has everything you're looking for. You'll thank yourself in the long run.

The distance was the major thing for me because I do like spontaneous dates and getting together randomly on weeknights and stuff. I think it makes sense that things may develop more with the second guy if the first one is out of the picture. I think the distance alone will be enough of a reason not to pursue the first guy, although he did say he would take on the burden of doing the drive.

This is something I'm considering too. Maybe neither of them is right for me.

Well the second guy and I have everything in common, I'm just not feeling a spark between us. I'm not sure why that is, if it's because deep down I'm not attracted to him or something? There's just something missing there and I'm not sure what it is..

Very true. I mean I could totally see us being friends, and he's very sweet. He's actually really handsome too,I just don't get why I don't feel that spark with him..I guess it's just not there. I thought if I give it another chance, it might happen but it's been three dates now.i honestly feel guilty about it because he's really into me, and I really like him too but I don't get that strong spark.

Has guy one asked about another date? Perhaps this will sort itself out due to distance and interest levels.

We live about 90 minutes from each other, he is a city guy whereas I'm a country girl.

Maybe it's just me, and my approach to dating, but why the rush to decide?

I'd say just hold the space you're in for a bit: enjoy the immediate chemical spark with Distance Guy, enjoy the time with Sweet Handsome Guy, and see what real feelings develop (or fade) organically rather than trying to force it all so quickly. Maybe Distance Guy is a hot fling, maybe another sparkly date or two, maybe you realize he's kind of meh past that pheromonal heat and, in realizing that, you find yourself genuinely more drawn to Sweet Handsome Guy.

Related story: I recently met a woman on a dating app, while also dating around. The first one and I had a fun night, which lead to a really fun weekend together. We had dinners, we had sex: it was all...very good. Not spectacular, but pretty great: light, consensual, adult fun with maybe the potential to develop into something a bit more weighty. A week later she sent me a rambling text about feeling guilty because she didn't totally know what she wanted, was still dating around, didn't want to hurt me, whatever—seemed she had a version of your guilt, or maybe slotted me into being "really into me" as you have Sweet Handsome Guy. I just let her know: hey, I think we're on the same page here, no reason for guilt. I was "into her," sure, but I was curious about some others as well.

She was kind of shocked, realized she was projecting a lot of ideas she has about people/men/dating onto me. We hung out some more, had some more fun, but our little spark never became much more than that. So it goes. No one's worse for the wear, good times were had, and experience informed the outcome rather than a lot of heady, jittery analysis.

Again, maybe it's just me, but if I meet anyone on a dating app I'm assuming I'm one of many. I'm 100 percent fine with that, and am secure enough not to need to feel like meeting me is going to alter someone's life after a dinner or two (or even a night between the sheets). It's the nature of the game. People are out there trying on shoes, seeing which one fits best. Frankly, I'm more freaked out if after one or two dates someone is starting to direct all their focus on me, as they're still just getting to know me.

They are not the only two men in the world. I'd be truthful in ending things with both, telling the first one that you don't see the compatibility in social needs, which is a must-have for you, and as for the second one, that you've enjoyed the dates but don't feel the chemistry you need in order to continue. It's upsetting to have to let people down, but that's par for the course in online dating. I had it done to me and I had to do it to men when I was on OLD. Eventually, I met my future husband on OLD, and it was worth all of the frustration and hurt feelings to get to that point. I held out for someone who met ALL of my main needs, and we're about to celebrate our 7th anniversary. Good luck.

I think the second guy would be be a better fit for you, and chemistry sometimes takes time to develop. Yes we all want that instant connection the movies portray but the development of that chemistry can feel just as exciting. Maybe you can misconstrue your spark with the first guy because maybe you were attracted to the lifestyle he lives; hes everything you are not. and of course the distance is an issue, but for the right people it wouldnt be. But i would be cautious of the first guy because although its great that he has a large circle and lives in a big city, those things could be a problem in the future. The distance for obvious reasons, but also the large circle of friends is great for meeting new people but if you are a loner you might run the risk of shaping your whole identity around this guy and his friends and his life, which is a recipe for disaster if you were to break up in the future.

Best of luck!

This is the second post I've seen where a poster states their having a hard time choosing between two non starters. Such an interesting thing to me.

I can't speak from expierience because I try not to multidate but I remember Katrina had posted an excellent thread about multidating and lots of thoughts and comments bounced around and I remember concluding that there really is no even ground. As humans we don't work like that. There's always a front runner and the others are gonna be placeholders. Also after one date the multidate doesn't know enough about their choices to play the role of stressed out decider. They may not want to continue, these issues occur later in dating like date 2 or 3 but again by that point a front runner is already there .

I guess my point is this is a non issue right now, if you want to keep dating them then continue to date them by date 3 at the most a front runner will be chosen and in the future avoid multidating. Easy fix! 😊

Keep looking until you get a guy that is a standout, not deliberate on which mediocre guy to pick.

They both want more dates, the one that is 90 minutes away I've only met with once but he'd like to keep seeing each other. The second I've met with three times now

This is actually where I would like to stay for the time being, but the problem I'm having us that both these guys are really into me and only want to focus on me...I even told them both about each other (in the interest of fairness) and they are both trying to get me to only focus on them.

I would like to spend more time with distance guy and see if there's anything there, if the distance will be a drag after a while.

I'm putting it all out there for them, they're both aware that I'm not ready to make a decision yet but both encouraging me to pick them..

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Distance guy is the front runner!

But the other guy is easier (safety net)

What would you define non starter as? Like no relationship?

Can you explain this to me more? Lol what do you mean by front runner? He's my first choice you mean?

Any chance you could link me to the thread you're talking about? This is actually my first time doing this (multidating) and I'm finding it a bit conflicting

This is something I'm considering too.

 

Maybe neither of them is right for me.

If you have to question it (as you're doing), then yeah, neither is right for you. Nor you, for them IMO.

Because, at least in my experience, genuine energy/chemistry between two people is a mutual thing.

One doesn't feel it but the other doesn't. Their interest is driven by other things (looks, status, challenge, ego, whatever).

And since you're questioning it....

This is actually where I would like to stay for the time being, but the problem I'm having us that both these guys are really into me and only want to focus on me...I even told them both about each other (in the interest of fairness) and they are both trying to get me to only focus on them.

 

I would like to spend more time with distance guy and see if there's anything there, if the distance will be a drag after a while.

 

I'm putting it all out there for them, they're both aware that I'm not ready to make a decision yet but both encouraging me to pick them..

Not that you’re not a wonderful person PainterGirl, but please be aware that what may be driving much of their interest at this point is the challenge of literally “competing” for your full focus and attention.

Some men get turned on by the competition factor, so no doubt this is a lot of fun for them, and also again quite challenging.

It’s ego driven.

That all may change once you choose one and begin focusing on just him.

Just my experience but when a man’s interest is genuine, and not driven by challenge or ego, he would be turned off by this -- having to literally compete for your full focus.

Not all men of course, but many, the ones I’ve encountered who genuinely wanted to develop a RL with me.

Just something to be aware of.

Good luck!

Good morning everyone. I've recently ended up in a situation where I met two guys on two online dating apps that I hit it off with.

 

I've met both guys, and I like both of them a lot, for different reasons.

 

One of them I felt an instant physical attraction to when we met in person, I was strongly drawn to him, but I'm not sure if it's just a physical thing. He is very nice, funny, easy to talk to. We have some big differences between us though. We live about 90 minutes from each other, he is a city guy whereas I'm a country girl. He has a large social circle and I am a loner and not completely comfortable with joining a large group of new people.

 

The second guy, when we met the first time, I didn't feel any kind of spark between us. He was very intelligent and we had some long interesting conversations. I have a lot more in common with him than the other guy. He is a country boy, loner, lives less than 30 minutes from me.

 

I actually went on an amazing second date with him this weekend, we had an incredibly fun day and I could see this as someone I would enjoy spending time with, but even after that amazing day I still didn't feel a strong attraction or a spark between us. I saw him yesterday and I still didn't feel the spark! I feel like he is the better choice for me, but I don't get that strong attraction and spark between us like I did with the other guy.

 

I feel guilty for continuing to talk to both of them and I want to make a decision about which one I want to give my full attention to, but I keep struggling with the decision. How do I make this decision? If you were in my situation, which one would you choose? Is there a chance a spark could develop between me and the more compatible guy?

 

I'm so torn and feel I should make a decision soon or just walk away from both.

Maybe/maybe not the first guy. Your gut is saying yes, but your mind finds legitimate concerns. I'd say go for a couple more dates with this guy, consider it a new challenge. See how you feel then.

What you have done, telling them of each other, is a big no-no for successful OLD. Yes, you have to assume a person could be multi-dating until it's decided to be exclusive, but it should not be a topic of discussion, because it's nobody's business after only two or three dates. What should you have said if one or both asked you if you were dating anyone else? "I'm not going to say one way or the other, just as I assume you might be but I'd rather not know the details."

Usually a person can't go too long before focusing on one person, because beyond the third date, I would assume a guy would want to be making out with you, and do you want to be sharing yourself like this with more than one guy?

You mentioned what they want to do, like you're swept up in a storm and will be led whatever way the wind blows. Your heart and brain have to match when it comes to men, or it's not the right man for you. I think you're trying to delay hurting their feelings, but sorry, you have to have a spine and do what's best for yourself and for them as well, since you don't feel confident in continuing on with either of them.

What would you define non starter as? Like no relationship?

Non-starter means neither one is really a great option.

Can you explain this to me more? Lol what do you mean by front runner? He's my first choice you mean?

Front runner means you like one more than the other.

Any chance you could link me to the thread you're talking about? This is actually my first time doing this (multidating) and I'm finding it a bit conflicting

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539425

I THINK this is it? Kat hope you dont mind.

Its been so long so I may be completely off but again, I think the general consensus was multidating is for getting to know people, once a connection is made, or a front runner is discovered, its easist to stop. Again, I dont have much, if any, experience multi-dating, so I dont really know what works, I'm just making observations.

Having a date with a guy isn't anything, I def wouldn't have told the guys about each other. They want you to pick them out of their desire to come out on top, nothing else. Right now they're basically still strangers to you (esp guy 1). Take your time. It's not like you have had 10 dates with one lol...

Also having the same social attitude is important. The first guy is probably too social for you. The second one you have better convos with, so I think you should go for that. Mental connection is more important than a physical spark.

This is something so obvious I should've noticed it before, thank you for pointing that out to me.