Am I allowed to be upset?

My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile. At this point, while we live separately, we spend every night together.

Tomorrow I have an incredibly important event occurring in my career which I have prepping for for hundreds of hours over the past two months. I am very nervous about it. He of course knows this.

Well today his office had a happy hour at 5:30 pm. They frequently get together after work like this. In fact, they're all working a half day on Friday and getting together again. At 8:30 I texted him telling him I'm starting to get very anxious about tomorrow and if he knew when he was coming over. He told me he didn't realize it was tomorrow. I responded that I spoke to him this morning about it and that I was hoping he could come over soon. He hasn't responded.

He is generally very supportive of me, but I am very frustrated that after 4 hours out with his coworkers, who is spending Friday with as well, that he can't prioritize coming to distract me from all my nervousness.

Is it unfair of me to be frustrated? Can I say something to him tonight or is that unfair as well? I just can't tell if I'm overreacting since I'm on edge about tomorrow.

Thank you!

You are always allowed to feel whatever it is you feel. It's also worth acknowledging, as you have, that your feelings may be heightened because you're on edge. My question here is: Is this sort of thing truly a one off, or have you had lingering concerns about him not paying attention to you/being tuned into you in times when you need support? If that's the case, a calmer talk may be in order once you get past tomorrow.

I think I'm probably on the needier side of the spectrum. I generally know when I'm just being needy and can rationalize my emotions back to normal.

I do find that he tends to be selfish with his time in that he will spend all the time in the world with me so long as I'm following along with his plans. That's of course an exaggeration. He always makes time for my work, family and close friend events. But, on a normal day, I find him to be as I described. Perhaps that's why I find this so frustrating.

At 8:30 I texted him telling him I'm starting to get very anxious about tomorrow and if he knew when he was coming over. He told me he didn't realize it was tomorrow. I responded that I spoke to him this morning about it and that I was hoping he could come over soon. He hasn't responded.

He is generally very supportive of me, but I am very frustrated that after 4 hours out with his coworkers, who is spending Friday with as well, that he can't prioritize coming to distract me from all my nervousness.

Realistically, how do you expect him to “support” you? You need to find other ways to relax. Go take a bubble bath, go on a long walk/jog (best way to relieve anxiety!), or meet up/chat with a friend over the phone. He doesn’t need to be at your beacon call. This is something you can handle on your own.

You are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. emotions don't always make sense. Bringing others into your headspace, now we can access whether its right or wrong. I do think its wrong to expect someone to act as your anchor. It can very easily turn into codependence. We have to be responsible for our own mental health. Not cool that he isn't responding though.

You are overreacting. This is not a death. Learn to deal with your stress on your own, don't be so dependent on your partner. Good grief, you see one another daily.

All healthy couples have boundaries, both partners have their own time they don't need to be glued together all the time, so I don't see a major concern if he still makes time for

your family and friends.

Maybe he didn't handle this in the nicest way possible, but honestly having had a very needy GF, let me tell you most guys get fed up having to frequently reassure, it's draining

after a while and I'd even make a guess that your BF also has important and stressful things, that he would like to talk about, but I could see how if you've been like this for a

whole month, he might feel really this is a one way street, that he reassures you and he get's not much on his side.

I'm extrapolating of course, but being this needy makes guys eventually lose interest and leave, not trying to stress you more but you need to be able to be a functioning human

being without needing your partner all the time. It goes both ways every one likes support, but always needing it from a partner is unhealthy in the long run.

Do you have friends? I don't see how seeing each other every night is healthy.

I get that you'd like support but I think he probably wants some alone time to do things with his friends...Maybe you could consider doing the same?

I think I'm probably on the needier side of the spectrum. I generally know when I'm just being needy and can rationalize my emotions back to normal.

I do find that he tends to be selfish with his time in that he will spend all the time in the world with me so long as I'm following along with his plans. That's of course an exaggeration. He always makes time for my work, family and close friend events. But, on a normal day, I find him to be as I described. Perhaps that's why I find this so frustrating.

How would you like him to be on a normal day?

Sure, I get that you would like some support from him before a big event but it appears this isn't the first time you've felt sidelined and this occasion brought it to a head. You can feel however you want, to be clear. There's no "allowed" to feel a certain way; it's how you deal with that feeling that counts. Did you two already have a plan for him to come to your house that night?

How long have you been dating? He's coming over way too much and you are over saturating things with this. Also text-tethering can contribute to the burn-out in addition to being together too much with no room to breathe or pursue your own respective interests, friends or simply alone down time. Try not to treat bfs as if they are babysitters.

My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile. we spend every night together.

I texted him telling him I'm starting to get very anxious about tomorrow and if he knew when he was coming over. He hasn't responded.he can't prioritize coming to distract me from all my nervousness.

I agree with the others. You are being needy.

If I were at a work event and a colleague said they had to leave because their girlfriend had an important thing the next day and they needed to go relieve them of their nervousness, I would definitely raise an eyebrow. You aren’t even really asking him to do anything. “I have to go fix her furnace”, “I have to go look at her car”, “I have to go help her move some stuff around” - those are all valid. But yes... you should be responsible for your own mental health unless, like someone mentioned, it’s something like a death or tragedy. A big work thing is kind of a normal life event. You may have been working on it a lot, but your career is something you should be able to handle on your own.

How long have you been dating? He's coming over way too much and you are over saturating things with this. Also text-tethering can contribute to the burn-out in addition to being together too much with no room to breathe or pursue your own respective interests, friends or simply alone down time. Try not to treat bfs as if they are babysitters.

A year. We also don't text during the day. I work 80 hours a week. My job is incredibly demanding, as is his.

We both have our own hobbies and spend time apart. We also choose to share a bed every night, which usually means we do what we need to do after work and end up together to sleep on most nights. We probably spend 2-3 nights together for dinner.

I have friends, hobbies, etc. I just wanted someone there because I'm a perfectionist and wouldn't put away my work unless I had a reason to.

Thanks for everyone's input, obviously sleeping it off helped.

Eh I distinguish "work event" from having an office that is relatively young and gets together at least once a week to drink together, but point taken.

My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile. At this point, while we live separately, we spend every night together.

Tomorrow I have an incredibly important event occurring in my career which I have prepping for for hundreds of hours over the past two months. I am very nervous about it. He of course knows this.

Well today his office had a happy hour at 5:30 pm. They frequently get together after work like this. In fact, they're all working a half day on Friday and getting together again. At 8:30 I texted him telling him I'm starting to get very anxious about tomorrow and if he knew when he was coming over. He told me he didn't realize it was tomorrow. I responded that I spoke to him this morning about it and that I was hoping he could come over soon. He hasn't responded.

He is generally very supportive of me, but I am very frustrated that after 4 hours out with his coworkers, who is spending Friday with as well, that he can't prioritize coming to distract me from all my nervousness.

Is it unfair of me to be frustrated? Can I say something to him tonight or is that unfair as well? I just can't tell if I'm overreacting since I'm on edge about tomorrow.

Thank you!

Feeling emotion isn't about fairness or unfairness. You fell them, and you have every right to feel them.

Concentrate on your well being. Make your important event your priority. If he can't support you through this, find other ways. Express your feelings to your BF after your immediate needs are met.

I would be frustrated in this situation also. Consider his behaviour going forward. If this is a pattern, and he simply puts you low on his priority list, you may need to consider if staying with him is worth it.

I think I'm probably on the needier side of the spectrum. I generally know when I'm just being needy and can rationalize my emotions back to normal.

I do find that he tends to be selfish with his time in that he will spend all the time in the world with me so long as I'm following along with his plans. That's of course an exaggeration. He always makes time for my work, family and close friend events. But, on a normal day, I find him to be as I described. Perhaps that's why I find this so frustrating.

Interesting that you describe yourself on the needier side of the spectrum. Knowing that, being aware of it—that's good stuff. The next step, as others have mentioned, is finding ways to self-soothe in situations where (a) you're anxious and (b) your partner (or friend, or whomever) isn't coming through in exactly the way you'd like. A bath, a walk, a book, a yoga pose, whatever: something that is yours, and yours alone, that you know you can lean on when you're feeling wobbly.

Another word for needy is anxious, and anxious is an "attachment style," to put it in psych terms. Thing about those who have an anxious attachment style? They will often gravitate toward those with a style that is secure, even a bit a avoidant, because initially it can serve as a salve to that anxiety. But if you don't have an inner salve you'll come to resent the person when they fail to come through the instant you need them.

In answer to your question, I do see this as being needy behaviour. I'm not needy at all. Hence in this situation, I'd be glad he was out so I could be nervous by myself. People are different though and in light of this you need to figure it out from a more detached place. I think you need to realize that this job event you have is YOUR big deal. If it works out you'll be ecstatic, if not you'll be upset. He will be happy or upset for you but ultimately he won't feel even half of what you are feeling. So to expect him to drop his fun and friends to help you with your feelings in anticipation of your event seems a bit too much.

Feeling emotion isn't about fairness or unfairness. You fell them, and you have every right to feel them.

 

I'm not sure about this. Of course you feel what you feel and no one can really help their inclination towards particular feelings. But sometimes our feelings are indeed unjustified and unfair. And our thinking may need to be corrected or worked upon in those situations.

Do you have friends? I don't see how seeing each other every night is healthy.

 

If they were married or living together, they'd see each other daily...

A year. We also don't text during the day. I work 80 hours a week. My job is incredibly demanding, as is his.

We both have our own hobbies and spend time apart. We also choose to share a bed every night, which usually means we do what we need to do after work and end up together to sleep on most nights. We probably spend 2-3 nights together for dinner.

I have friends, hobbies, etc. I just wanted someone there because I'm a perfectionist and wouldn't put away my work unless I had a reason to.

Thanks for everyone's input, obviously sleeping it off helped.

I understand that wanting a career is some people's choices, but really it's not his fault you work 80h a week and get huge stress from it, it's your choice and your burden to bear.

So you're saying you wouldn't stop working if he wasn't there ? Also that you are a perfectionist, I was myself in this camp and maybe this will seem brutal but I gave a company

6 years of my life, almost went to being burnout before quitting and then all my supposed friends in the company, turned their backs on me the boss saying to my face " no one is

irreplaceable". So if you want my advice, your mental health as well as relationship will not go well, if you don't realize working 80h is not normal and that never anything you'll do

and put so many hours in will be perfect, you might even not get much recognition for your efforts, believe me it isn't worth it...

I wouldn't want a relationship with someone doing 80h a week, in fact I dare say this to me doesn't really look like one, I want enough time with my partner heck one of my best

female friends is on the verge of leaving her husband who does what you do, at some point everyone has to realize sometimes high profile careers and relationship are mutually

exclusive and pursuing both will only leave you burned.

Sorry being so "dark" but I do not wish you my life experiences, no one should go through this, so better have insight !

While I appreciate everyone's advice, I think a lot of it is making extreme assumptions. I have good stress management. I have to or I wouldn't have made it this far. I don't expect my boyfriend to provide my only emotional support. I do expect, however, that he be willing to spend 3 hours at a happy hour instead of 5 hours when he told me he would be around that night knowing I had a lot going on both outside of work and obviously at work. I don't have him on an anchor. He has plenty of friends whom he sees very regularly, he has tons of hobbies which I encourage him to do. I suppose this is more about me feeling like he didnt follow through because he decided happy hour with his coworkers was more of a priority.

Thanks all for the advice.

At 8:30 I texted him telling him I'm starting to get very anxious about tomorrow and if he knew when he was coming over. He told me he didn't realize it was tomorrow. I responded that I spoke to him this morning about it and that I was hoping he could come over soon. He hasn't responded.

He is generally very supportive of me, but I am very frustrated that after 4 hours out with his coworkers, who is spending Friday with as well, that he can't prioritize coming to distract me from all my nervousness.

Is it unfair of me to be frustrated? Can I say something to him tonight or is that unfair as well? I just can't tell if I'm overreacting since I'm on edge about tomorrow.

Thank you!

I don't expect my boyfriend to provide my only emotional support. I do expect, however, that he be willing to spend 3 hours at a happy hour instead of 5 hours when he told me he would be around that night knowing I had a lot going on both outside of work and obviously at work. I don't have him on an anchor. He has plenty of friends whom he sees very regularly, he has tons of hobbies which I encourage him to do. I suppose this is more about me feeling like he didnt follow through because he decided happy hour with his coworkers was more of a priority.

This may be a matter of communication and unneeded assumptions. Did you actually ask him if he could join you by 8:30, that you would love his support that evening? Had he made a promise to be there? You both need a support network that includes each other and includes others. His happy hour group are part of his and maybe he was meeting some needs of his own in that respect without intending it as a slight to you? I hope you can communicate clearly rather than having unspoken expectations as a path to resentment.

Edit: he also may not have been in a good condition to drive @3 hours and needed some time to sober up.

How do you have a social life if you work 80 hours a week?

During peak season, I can get into the 60 - 80 hour range. It used to be that years back, I could get a bit upset (though never to the point of expressing it) over a date or partner not being able to make time, or seemingly prioritizing others. The thing about that is, when you're working or are otherwise occupied for that many hours, it's actually extremely unfair to then expect someone else to work around your unavailability. You or I working 80 hours is quite frankly our own problem and no one else's, and, again, it's unfair to expect him to take it upon himself to deviate from his routine enjoyment for your sake, or to hold it against him if he doesn't, particularly if you're here admitting he's generally very supportive.

As others have stated, you have the "right" to feel however you want. But whether you healthily internalize it and cope with it or choose to negatively act on it is still your responsibility.

I'm not sure about this. Of course you feel what you feel and no one can really help their inclination towards particular feelings. But sometimes our feelings are indeed unjustified and unfair. And our thinking may need to be corrected or worked upon in those situations.

No one's feelings are ever unjustified and unfair. It's irrelevant how others judge what is unjustified and unfair when it comes to an individual's emotions. It's ultimately up to the individual to pass judgement on their emotions, not others. But that doesn't stop the world from trying. As evidenced in this thread.

No one's feelings are ever unjustified and unfair. .

Not to be like a dog with a bone but......I had an ex who had some anger issues. At any perceived slight he would feel incredibly upset/angry/hurt. This didn't just relate to me, it related to anyone who crossed his path - family, friends, acquaintances, boss. At therapy he learned to control the anger but... he always felt it. I cannot say his anger was justified. It absolutely wasn't. And yes they were also very unfair on other people who had to watch every little step lest it set him off. I remember when something would happen and he'd get so hurt and angry and people would say ' You're entitled to feel the way you do, if you feel it then its real'....and I'd be thinking 'No!...its actually completely not okay that you feel this huge way about this small small thing.

The same could be said of a jealous person who feels hurt everytime his ex speak with a man. These are more extreme cases but you get what I mean?

I know OP isn't like this and sure I can see that she is looking for support. But yeah..if the world weighs in (ENA) and the majority suggests that her reaction is OTT then it's worth considering that her feelings (while there and existing) might be unjustified.