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Thread: Am I allowed to be upset?

  1. #1
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    Am I allowed to be upset?

    My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile. At this point, while we live separately, we spend every night together.
    Tomorrow I have an incredibly important event occurring in my career which I have prepping for for hundreds of hours over the past two months. I am very nervous about it. He of course knows this.
    Well today his office had a happy hour at 5:30 pm. They frequently get together after work like this. In fact, they're all working a half day on Friday and getting together again. At 8:30 I texted him telling him I'm starting to get very anxious about tomorrow and if he knew when he was coming over. He told me he didn't realize it was tomorrow. I responded that I spoke to him this morning about it and that I was hoping he could come over soon. He hasn't responded.
    He is generally very supportive of me, but I am very frustrated that after 4 hours out with his coworkers, who is spending Friday with as well, that he can't prioritize coming to distract me from all my nervousness.
    Is it unfair of me to be frustrated? Can I say something to him tonight or is that unfair as well? I just can't tell if I'm overreacting since I'm on edge about tomorrow.
    Thank you!

  2. #2
    Gold Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You are always allowed to feel whatever it is you feel. It's also worth acknowledging, as you have, that your feelings may be heightened because you're on edge. My question here is: Is this sort of thing truly a one off, or have you had lingering concerns about him not paying attention to you/being tuned into you in times when you need support? If that's the case, a calmer talk may be in order once you get past tomorrow.

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    I think I'm probably on the needier side of the spectrum. I generally know when I'm just being needy and can rationalize my emotions back to normal.
    I do find that he tends to be selfish with his time in that he will spend all the time in the world with me so long as I'm following along with his plans. That's of course an exaggeration. He always makes time for my work, family and close friend events. But, on a normal day, I find him to be as I described. Perhaps that's why I find this so frustrating.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    At 8:30 I texted him telling him I'm starting to get very anxious about tomorrow and if he knew when he was coming over. He told me he didn't realize it was tomorrow. I responded that I spoke to him this morning about it and that I was hoping he could come over soon. He hasn't responded.
    He is generally very supportive of me, but I am very frustrated that after 4 hours out with his coworkers, who is spending Friday with as well, that he can't prioritize coming to distract me from all my nervousness.
    Realistically, how do you expect him to “support” you? You need to find other ways to relax. Go take a bubble bath, go on a long walk/jog (best way to relieve anxiety!), or meet up/chat with a friend over the phone. He doesn’t need to be at your beacon call. This is something you can handle on your own.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. emotions don't always make sense. Bringing others into your headspace, now we can access whether its right or wrong. I do think its wrong to expect someone to act as your anchor. It can very easily turn into codependence. We have to be responsible for our own mental health. Not cool that he isn't responding though.

  7. #6
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    You are overreacting. This is not a death. Learn to deal with your stress on your own, don't be so dependent on your partner. Good grief, you see one another daily.

  8. #7
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    All healthy couples have boundaries, both partners have their own time they don't need to be glued together all the time, so I don't see a major concern if he still makes time for
    your family and friends.
    Maybe he didn't handle this in the nicest way possible, but honestly having had a very needy GF, let me tell you most guys get fed up having to frequently reassure, it's draining
    after a while and I'd even make a guess that your BF also has important and stressful things, that he would like to talk about, but I could see how if you've been like this for a
    whole month, he might feel really this is a one way street, that he reassures you and he get's not much on his side.

    I'm extrapolating of course, but being this needy makes guys eventually lose interest and leave, not trying to stress you more but you need to be able to be a functioning human
    being without needing your partner all the time. It goes both ways every one likes support, but always needing it from a partner is unhealthy in the long run.

  9. #8
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    Do you have friends? I don't see how seeing each other every night is healthy.

    I get that you'd like support but I think he probably wants some alone time to do things with his friends...Maybe you could consider doing the same?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by tclroku
    I think I'm probably on the needier side of the spectrum. I generally know when I'm just being needy and can rationalize my emotions back to normal.
    I do find that he tends to be selfish with his time in that he will spend all the time in the world with me so long as I'm following along with his plans. That's of course an exaggeration. He always makes time for my work, family and close friend events. But, on a normal day, I find him to be as I described. Perhaps that's why I find this so frustrating.
    How would you like him to be on a normal day?

    Sure, I get that you would like some support from him before a big event but it appears this isn't the first time you've felt sidelined and this occasion brought it to a head. You can feel however you want, to be clear. There's no "allowed" to feel a certain way; it's how you deal with that feeling that counts. Did you two already have a plan for him to come to your house that night?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? He's coming over way too much and you are over saturating things with this. Also text-tethering can contribute to the burn-out in addition to being together too much with no room to breathe or pursue your own respective interests, friends or simply alone down time. Try not to treat bfs as if they are babysitters.
    Originally Posted by tclroku
    My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile. we spend every night together.
    I texted him telling him I'm starting to get very anxious about tomorrow and if he knew when he was coming over. He hasn't responded.he can't prioritize coming to distract me from all my nervousness.

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