Don’t wanna screw this up...help?

I matched with this guy on an online dating app two weeks ago. Ever since, he has been a dream. He initiated contact. Asked for my number immediately. And then proceeded to call me for 1-2 hours a day everyday since. It’s no easy task since he lives in another country with a 20 hour time difference and we only overlap late at night / early morning. Even though I’ve never met him, it feels like we’re already together. He’s invited me twice to visit him and said at one point that he “already feels semi committed.” He’s flying in to meet me this weekend and has planned a nice first date. He’s staying with a cousin and in town for only a few days. We have all these hypothetical plans, IF things go well and we like each other in person. Our conversations have also turned more sexual lately and he refers to wanting to do me in subtle ways many times.

I’m feeling anxious because I want to sleep with him and clearly can tell he wants to, but I don’t want to screw this up. Am I supposed to hold out on him flying out here in hopes it’ll be more likely to become serious? It’s very tricky because I feel like I know him very well already yet I don’t at all in another sense...I also would have to wait weeks to see him again. Should I do what feels right and natural? Or be more strict?

What are the odds he’s doing all this just to f*ck me? It feels like quite a lot for that. I’d love to hear from people their read of the situation (especially men). I should also note 50% of the time he lives in a state that’s a 4 hour drive from me so it won’t always be super long distance.

He’s been perfect so far but I’m so suspicious of men 😑 so can’t relax!

Meet in public and do not take him to your place or drink.

I would meet him for coffee in a public place for an hour. If you then like him, plan a date in public. Please treat him as if he is a complete stranger. Since he lives in another country, if he turns out to be harmful in some way there's very little recourse because he'll just go back to your country. Please do not give him any $.

If it were me and a stranger brought up sex before meeting I would never ever meet him especially if he lived in another country. And if I met him I'd never leave my drink unattended. If you just want to meet up for sex (and think about it, what kind of well-meaning person who wanted a potential relationship would risk offending a stranger with sexual innunendoes??) - then get a hotel room where your friends know where you are, which has excellent security in case you need to get away, and have sex with him.

How do you know he lives near you part of the time? Because he told you? Do you know his last name? Does it check out on the internet with who he says he is? Why is he contacting someone who lives so far away -including 4 hours away? How do you know he is a male, and how do you know he is single?

Hey I’m not at all concerned about the security risk. Imagine a person you’ve had 20 hours of conversation with. They don’t feel like a stranger. I probably know him better than people I’ve known in person for years. It doesn’t feel odd at all to flirt sexually with him. Feels right. We are meeting in public though, of course. I’m going to also not have sex with him at least until a few in person dates.

I’ve seen video of him so I can confirm who he is. I also know his full name and have done all the research. He’s a very well to do man. His situation is weird because he lives between 4 locations. 1 of those locations is very far. 2 are rather close to me. 1 is semi far. My location is actually the most convenient to his lifestyle and he was looking for women in my town (hence how we matched online). It’s just a unique and inconvenient setup but I don’t mind long distance.

A girl in every port?

My location is actually the most convenient to his lifestyle and he was looking for women in my town (hence how we matched online).

Lol I meant he had to have my town as his location online to match with me.

Funny. Y’all make it sound like someone with a travel schedule is impossible to be with. I’ve had many relationships like that where the person was all over and it was mostly long distance. I even dated a guy in Africa lol. Adventurous people need love too!

Some thoughts from a man—one, in fact, who recently found himself in a similar position.

My story: I connected with someone on a dating app in a different city (I, too, live between multiple places). Incredible conversations—a kind of improbable chemistry, you could say. She then came to my city for work and, my golly, all that digital chemistry seamlessly translated into real life. Nice chatting over wine lead to a few days of incredible sex. Where it goes, I don't totally know. I'm not really anxious about it and don't think she is either—we're both busy adults in our late 30s and were very clear going into it that, whatever happens, we're in no rush. We've stayed in touch, will meet again, but we're not in some illusory world where those three days Mean Everything.

Anyway, back to you: Do what feels natural! Hopefully, alongside all the butterflies and excitement, you're still being realistic, meaning you understand that this (like any new relationship) can go in a million directions. If, for you, having sex with him means "semi committed" immediately becomes "committed committed" then you need to be clear about that—to yourself, to him. This is a well-to-do dude moving around the world—at this point you need to assume that he's also reaching out to other women, and I think you need to be okay with that. And, I'm sorry, if he's telling you otherwise I'd be skeptical.

One thing that gives me pause about what you've written is your use of the word "perfect" and that "he has been a dream." I get it. Still, whether it's digital or IRL, we do an awful lot of projecting early on with people, and just make sure you're not bending him into some "perfect" fantasy that already existed in your mind. He's just a dude, a human, not the one exception to the other men you're suspicious about. He has issues, baggage, a past—stuff you don't yet know, perhaps, but you need to be aware of as inevitable realities.

I guess what I'm saying is: no, he's probably not doing all this "just" to get in your pants. But that doesn't mean he's doing it all "just" to live happily ever after in some rainbow universe that the two of you magically create by getting naked and having sex. He's exploring a fun thing, as are you. Sex, for a lot of men, is just another way to keep exploring, rather than an answer to the question, if that makes sense.

 

He’s been perfect so far but I’m so suspicious of men 😑 so can’t relax!

Hey I’m not at all concerned about the security risk. Imagine a person you’ve had 20 hours of conversation with. They don’t feel like a stranger. I probably know him better than people I’ve known in person for years. It doesn’t feel odd at all to flirt sexually with him. Feels right. We are meeting in public though, of course. I’m going to also not have sex with him at least until a few in person dates.

 

I’ve seen video of him so I can confirm who he is. I also know his full name and have done all the research. He’s a very well to do man. His situation is weird because he lives between 4 locations. 1 of those locations is very far. 2 are rather close to me. 1 is semi far. My location is actually the most convenient to his lifestyle and he was looking for women in my town (hence how we matched online). It’s just a unique and inconvenient setup but I don’t mind long distance.

Given the above, may I ask what your suspicions are then?

You seem to have this figured out, are feeling good and positive about moving forward and meeting him, so why this thread?

Genuine question.

Oh, please. You can't be this desperate. And with your history of being date-raped and forced to have sex when you were younger, you want to sleep with a total stranger?

And in April, you wrote about doing the exact same thing, meeting a man from LA who was flying in apparently to have sex with you. And you only knew him for 2 weeks too. What happened with him?

I think you need to see a professional to talk about this. You may be still suffering the effects of PTSD from your date-rape and your earlier experiences. Sometimes rape victims become hypersexualized where they start having sex with strangers in an attempt to forget the bad sexual experiences from people they knew. You should not be meeting with strangers from the Internet. You will wind up doing yourself great emotional harm when this guy ghosts you.

Everyone is perfect for the first few months. Everyone is on their best behavior the first while so you can't tell what they are truly like.

It sounds as though you need to slow down a bit. If he is already talking bout sex before you even meet, that would be a red flag....it's only been two weeks!!!

No, you can't know someone really well in two weeks, it's just not possible. You can hear things they tell you, but it might not be true. You need more time and you need to see how serious he actually is.

Give it a couple months (at least). If he is serious and wants more than sex, he will wait. If he doesn't then all he wanted was to get you into bed.

Took a little spin through your earlier posts, per DanZee's comment.

The FB thing in April, the awareness that you use men for a hit of something like a "crackhead," the hot/cold relationship back in Feb: you seem to have a bit of a history in getting VERY excited about something when it's new and then VERY confused/hurt about it when reality interferes in one way or another. I'd really consider taking a moment to look at that history closely, and figure out what's going on under the hood, so to speak. I think you have a lot of general anxieties toward men (look at your title of this post, regarding a man you've never met in the flesh) that may distort your experience of actual men, when you encounter them, be in the wilds of IRL or the pixilated world of winking swipes.

To be open to dating is to be open to risk. It's to be okay with being hurt, let down, whatever. What we get from someone in hour one may differ in week one may REALLY differ in month two. If we expect another person to be "perfect" we will inherently be disappointed when they reveal themselves to be merely mortal (and if we form a "relationship" in digital spaces it's a lot easier to build up someone as perfect). And, yeah, some people put on better (falser) fronts than others. And yeah, some people flat out lie—most often without malice, but just because they don't totally have their own truth sorted out.

A lot of times, with dating, we're not even really meeting a real person so much as a version they hope to be; it's over time when the real person emerges, and it's then that we can decide how we really feel about the whole thing.

Hey I’m not at all concerned about the security risk. Imagine a person you’ve had 20 hours of conversation with. They don’t feel like a stranger. I probably know him better than people I’ve known in person for years. It doesn’t feel odd at all to flirt sexually with him. Feels right. We are meeting in public though, of course. I’m going to also not have sex with him at least until a few in person dates.

 

I’ve seen video of him so I can confirm who he is. I also know his full name and have done all the research. He’s a very well to do man. His situation is weird because he lives between 4 locations. 1 of those locations is very far. 2 are rather close to me. 1 is semi far. My location is actually the most convenient to his lifestyle and he was looking for women in my town (hence how we matched online). It’s just a unique and inconvenient setup but I don’t mind long distance.

For safety purposes he is a complete stranger. Doesn't matter how long you've typed and talked. You've never met him in person.

Everyone is perfect for the first few months. Everyone is on their best behavior the first while so you can't tell what they are truly like.

It sounds as though you need to slow down a bit. If he is already talking bout sex before you even meet, that would be a red flag....it's only been two weeks!!!

 

No, you can't know someone really well in two weeks, it's just not possible. You can hear things they tell you, but it might not be true. You need more time and you need to see how serious he actually is.

 

Give it a couple months (at least). If he is serious and wants more than sex, he will wait. If he doesn't then all he wanted was to get you into bed.

But it hasn't been a few months for purposes of knowing what he is like in person. She has no idea what he is like for dating purposes because she's never met him in person.

True. Talking to someone online is vastly different to meeting in person.

But in this case, I wouldn't rush to meet. The track record isn't great and it doesn't seem like the best scenario.

If you still really feel the need, do as others suggested and meet during the day for coffee and don't let it go further than that, at least for the first few dates.

If you still really feel the need, do as others suggested and meet during the day for coffee and don't let it go further than that, at least for the first few dates.

This guy has three days in town. He's going to move fast.

I agree Danzee, which is why I don't think meeting right now is ideal. It does seem like this man is looking for a good time and not a serious relationship.

Wow. Totally offended by the couch potato shrink over there, @danzee. So many assumptions and logical leaps made about me and my mental and emotional health. Absurd claim that date rape has affected my relationship with men. I never think about that incident. How do you come out the gate this hard judging a stranger online? You don’t know me!

 

And this poor guy is being attacked as an online sexual predator when there is no information to support the claim. He’s literally being roasted for happening to be long distance and bringing up sex as a topic of conversation. What a gross terrible person he is for telling a girl he’s attracted to her!! Eek! He must have a sex dungeon he will lead me to. Nothing else could explain it.

 

Jesus Christ. I’ve seen some of the most judgemental and baseless claims in this thread. I come here for a supportive and thoughtful community, not for trolls reading post histories and diagnosing strangers with mental illness.

 

Yes, I have a hyperbolic manner of speech (many friends have pointed out to me that I speak in terms of “perfect” and “worst” and “always” and “never”). I’m just dramatic.

 

Yes, I get excited and disappointed in new prospects quickly. Yes I tend to love guys that come out hard and fast. It’s what I’m like and what I like. I’m the same way with jobs friends and life in general. Just excitable I guess.

 

You’re taking an excitable dramatic personality and deducing from it that I have massive psychological illness. Wow, just wow.

Shame on you.

Danzee took the time to get the whole picture and lets be real, you don't want that.

You make reckless dating choices that have ended very badly for you.

No one can diagnose you, thats true, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see a pattern here.

You want to make reckless dating choices, your prerogative, want to be coddled about these bad choices, ask your girlfriends.

The question is, do you find the way you conduct your life and your dating experiences satisfying?

Thread closed.