I'm in love with a married woman and I need advice.

I wish things were sometimes just black and white but they're not, This is a long post but please just I need something I have no one I can turn to I just need help.

There is a woman that I have been seeing for a while, we originally worked together but we were friends then. As we kept talking we got closer and closer. She finally began opening up to me, telling me about her marriage problems, how shes been in a marriage she feels she can't get out of because she has a daughter with him. He's verbally abusive, hes cheated on her, and doesn't even care about what she feels. She would always tell me that the marriage has killed her so much that she barely feels anything anymore and has just come to accept it. I tried giving her advice as best as I could as a person.

After she quit (she was part time) to get a full time job, that is also when she moved out from her husbands house and is currently living with her mom. Because she just can't handle it anymore, but shes told me this has happened multiple times before and she always finds herself being sucked into going back to him. I guess the big difference between those times before and now is...I guess me. One day, from our constant talking to eachother she randomly texted me basically saying she wants to go see a movie with me. So we did, it was just harmless hanging out. Then we started hanging out more and more. She had her daughter wed. through sunday. so monday and tuesday were the days we'd go hangout. We'd do little things like go to the bar together or just aimless walk around downtown. Three weeks ago, we were sitting on a bench by over looking a river and then we ended up kissing each other.

Each week we got closer and closer. Each week I could see the stress she was dealing with because she said she just can't commit even though she wants to. That shes afraid shes still going to get suckered back moving back into her husbands house. The husband found out, and screamed at her then said how he wants to try and fix it. She told me that she knows shes done with him, she knows she needs to leave him, but shes afraid despite me being there with her the entire time. Yesterday we hung out, and he called her screaming at her and we talked for a long time about everything.

She kept telling me how afraid she is, I told her that I believe she can find the strength to do it. And it came to the moment where we agreed that it would be a little easier for her if we stopped talking for the time being, the part that killed me the most but something I think I should do.

We sat in my car, because I wanted to just...I guess enjoy the last few moments I would have with her for a while. So we talked more, and then she looked at me straight in the eyes and asked me if I was in love with her. At that point I guess I figured I'd just tell her the truth and I told her I was and she cried saying how she wishes she could say it to me right now but...she's married still and she wants to leave him. It killed me, we kissed one more time and all we said was hope to see each other soon. Of all the times we spent time together, this was the first day I saw she wasn't wearing her ring. She always wore it even when we hung out, but when I held her hand that night I looked and it wasn't there anymore.

was this the right decision? Did I do the right thing by agreeing to not talking to her for the time being? It's just I'm in this state where I don't know what to do but at the same time I don't want to lose her.

Bravo, actually, on not seeing her for now. She is not able to see clearly at this time and sometimes silence is the very best teacher. Try to move on for yourself to a less complicated situation. Don't focus any energy on what may or may not be happening with her. She is clearly not available--now. Maybe down the line after she's divorced and then done some personal healing (example - why did she stay and accept abuse without seeking therapy?). You need to take care of yourself and let some time and distance take care of the future.

Yes, you made the right decision. You don't want to 'help someone through a divorce' and she is still a married woman. I think you could have told her to go to a shelter or call an abuse hotline to receive some counseling or to help her leave. But i am so glad you didn't offer for her to move in with you or to rescue her.

In the future, as soon as you find out someone is married - drop them like a hot rock.

Bravo for doing the right thing --- though the marriage should have stopped you long before

Well, I hate to say this, but this woman has been using you as an emotional crutch. I don't know if there's been any sex involved, but chances are she's not going to leave her husband and you're not going to be able to have a normal relationship with her. Actually splitting up and going No Contact may be the best thing for you so you can move on with your life and find someone who isn't emotionally needy and reaching out to anybody offering her a lifesaver.

I guess thats really what I wanted to see, if the choice I made was the right one. Its just difficult to handle I guess, I've been there for her through all of it, I've stayed up with her even before all this stuff just listening to her. Its hard to just simply I guess not say anything. But if that is the right choice, I ultimately have my fingers crossed and I'm hoping. As cheesy as it sounds I've never felt so strongly for someone before and I guess thats why I feel I'll do anything for her. Even not talking to her if it would help her, shes a sweet, bright loving woman and doesn't deserve any of this. Even her family see it, Shes just comfortable even if its painful. She's tried to work things out with her husband for years but nothing ever changes they've went to couples therapy and everything but he continues to stay the same.

I guess I have to just hang in there and try to keep a clear mind but things like that are always easier said then done. I guess time will tell.

Unless and until she makes a break from her husband that is permanent and stays separated from him and ultimately gets divorced, you need to back off. This woman is not thinking clearly. You being nice to her makes her want you because her husband is not nice to her. Any port in a storm, so to speak.

You are tormenting yourself by being so smitten with a woman who cannot properly be with you. Distance from her is what you need until she becomes available.

I guess thats really what I wanted to see, if the choice I made was the right one. Its just difficult to handle I guess, I've been there for her through all of it, I've stayed up with her even before all this stuff just listening to her. Its hard to just simply I guess not say anything. But if that is the right choice, I ultimately have my fingers crossed and I'm hoping. As cheesy as it sounds I've never felt so strongly for someone before and I guess thats why I feel I'll do anything for her. Even not talking to her if it would help her, shes a sweet, bright loving woman and doesn't deserve any of this. Even her family see it, Shes just comfortable even if its painful. She's tried to work things out with her husband for years but nothing ever changes they've went to couples therapy and everything but he continues to stay the same.

 

I guess I have to just hang in there and try to keep a clear mind but things like that are always easier said then done. I guess time will tell.

You had no business being introduced to her family

Honestly, i would let her go -- move on heal and date others

Because part of the reason you could have been attracted is the chance to be the Knight in shining armor here.

A man with good boundaries would not choose a married woman in a messy marriage.

He would choose a single woman -- a never married woman who is not healing from an abusive recent relationship, widow or a woman who has been divorced for years

No--- its wrong to feel you will do anything for her. She has to end her marriage and be on her own for awhile -- you cannot do that for her.

I agree with the posters, with one exception--from my own personal experience.

I had lived apart from my now ex-wife for most of two years. I only returned home during that time to fix the house up for sale. I filed for divorce after the house sold. We split the money and i moved out of the area.

I bought a house, got her to quit-claim on it having no financial interest in it.

Before the divorce was final, already signed off, I met someone. I started dating her while technically still married. I lived 600 miles from our original home and the ex had moved two states away herself and was not in my life.

I shared that information with the lady i was dating. I even showed her the divorce paperwork.

The divorce was finalized three months after we became a exclusive.

Oh, we are married now for more than 4 years. I proposed after a year of dating.

Those people who tell you to drop any married person are mostly right. Your discernment comes to play when there are factors such as length of separation, detachment from the not quite ex, is a divorce or legal separation in play?

If it is clearly a case of a married person out looking for strange? Then yes, walk away fast.

For the moment yes you did the right thing. As bad as it sucks for you, it’s best for her to get her life straight. After she does that, then y’all can reconnect and see where it goes. Just give her time to get her situation straight

I agree with the posters, with one exception--from my own personal experience.

 

I had lived apart from my now ex-wife for most of two years. I only returned home during that time to fix the house up for sale. I filed for divorce after the house sold. We split the money and i moved out of the area.

 

I bought a house, got her to quit-claim on it having no financial interest in it.

 

Before the divorce was final, already signed off, I met someone. I started dating her while technically still married. I lived 600 miles from our original home and the ex had moved two states away herself and was not in my life.

 

I shared that information with the lady i was dating. I even showed her the divorce paperwork.

 

The divorce was finalized three months after we became a exclusive.

 

Oh, we are married now for more than 4 years. I proposed after a year of dating.

 

Those people who tell you to drop any married person are mostly right. Your discernment comes to play when there are factors such as length of separation, detachment from the not quite ex, is a divorce or legal separation in play?

 

If it is clearly a case of a married person out looking for strange? Then yes, walk away fast.

Your situation is like night and day compared to the OP. While i don't ever advocate dating while separated -- you and your wife were no longer involved with eachother aside what was legally necessary -- ie, getting the house ready for sale. The woman in question is still heavily embroiled in things with her husband. The OP was in essence interfering with whatever the final outcome would be.

Yes, walking away is about the only right thing you've done.

Like it or not, you helped a married woman cheat and swallowed her tale of woe hook, line, and sinker. The harsh reality is that you don't know the truth of her life and marriage, who is the real cheater in it, etc. You fell for the classic "you are so special, so different from my SO" line and it made you feel good, except it's all smoke and mirrors. Her parting response was quite telling and probably be only truthful one - you were convenient, but no, not the love of her life.

These kinds of situations, it's never about what she/he deserves, it's about what they CHOOSE for themselves and you've got to understand that when people are choosing dysfunction, it's because they are themselves deeply dysfunctional and the chaos appeals to them. You will never fix that and staying involved will just suck you into their chaos and that's all. If she ever decides to get her head screwed on straight and leave him, in reality, nothing is holding her back. She has a family and support if she wants it. She cheats, he may or may not cheat, they BOTH keep going at it and it's been like for years and likely will carry on for years if not forever. Stay away from that and don't look back.

Good choice. It's never a good idea to position yourself as someone else's emotional bandaid. Just consider what happens to bandaids once healing occurs.

Research the term 'rebound' and avoid positioning yourself as one. Instead, preserve any future potential by telling this woman, "I adore you and can picture the two of us dating someday, and that's why I need to walk away while you're finishing old business. If you ever find yourself free and clear of husband, you can contact me after your divorce is finalized. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I wish the best for you."

Consider that if the two of you are a 'meant-to-be deal, you'll meet someday on higher ground. You'll both need to reach that place on your own. I'd move my focus onto whatever self development it takes for me to get to that place, and if the woman is ever cable of making that climb on her own, you'll find that out. Otherwise, she's not relationships material for you no matter how you slice it, and you're better off making a private goal of surprising yourself with your own resilience and creating a fabulous future for yourself.

Head high, you'll thank yourself later.

I guess I need more advice I know walking away was the right choice and that's what everyone is saying but last night she came to my work as I was leaving. She texted me saying shes in the parking lot and she has 15 minutes.

I went over to her car and she got out and started crying saying she needs me as her friend right now and how she feels shes ruined her life staying in an unhappy relationship since 15, that she has no friends, no career because he took everything from her.

And I put...my feelings towards the back of my head and sat with her and listened to her. I tried telling her about how all these thoughts are wrong that her life isn't over. And she went on about the only thing precious shes done was bring her daughter into the world. I mean...it was heart breaking because she is a strong person and...she just looked utterly defeated. She went on about how much she hates him, how he ruined her life and how she finds it insulting that he thinks shes stupid. I gave her the advice I could from my experiance again...

And I told her that we still have to keep the talking to eachother out but...that if she needed someone to listen to I'd listen as a friend.

I mean...did I make a mistake by this? I couldn't just like...leave her like that. I've known her for almost two years now and I've never seen her look so...defeated.

I guess I need more advice I know walking away was the right choice and that's what everyone is saying but last night she came to my work as I was leaving. She texted me saying shes in the parking lot and she has 15 minutes.

 

I went over to her car and she got out and started crying saying she needs me as her friend right now and how she feels shes ruined her life staying in an unhappy relationship since 15, that she has no friends, no career because he took everything from her.

And I put...my feelings towards the back of my head and sat with her and listened to her. I tried telling her about how all these thoughts are wrong that her life isn't over. And she went on about the only thing precious shes done was bring her daughter into the world. I mean...it was heart breaking because she is a strong person and...she just looked utterly defeated. She went on about how much she hates him, how he ruined her life and how she finds it insulting that he thinks shes stupid. I gave her the advice I could from my experiance again...

And I told her that we still have to keep the talking to eachother out but...that if she needed someone to listen to I'd listen as a friend.

 

I mean...did I make a mistake by this? I couldn't just like...leave her like that. I've known her for almost two years now and I've never seen her look so...defeated.

NO you did not make a mistake to end it but you made a mistake when she showed up, and if she shows up your place of business again, firmly tell her that you would like her to stay away from you.

You give her the number to the local abuse hotline from the women's shelter and tell her if she wants someone to talk to, call it, and then leave her absolutely alone and do not fall victim to her tears. She is looking for you to rescue her, but she has to rescue herself.

DO NOT AGREE TO LET HER TALK TO YOU!!!

Trust me, = it helped me, if she calls the local women's shelter/abuse hotline, they can set her up for free counseling and they will ask if she has a safe place to stay. - she has to do this for herself and YOU have to stay out of it. And she does have someone - she has her parents and probably other family members.

Honestly, if she shows up at work again, tell her to leave or you will call the police. she has to stay away from you.