Heading to divorce? Confused?

I haven't been getting what I need emotionally out of my relationship for over 9 years. It started out me wondering why I was never good enough, why he paid more attention to video games than me, why I wasn't attractive enough, etc etc. I stopped doing things we did togethar and wasn't enthusiastic about my own hobbies, watched more TV than I ever have and kind of lost my string independent self. About a year ago, I decided to be me and do all I wanted instead of waiting around for him to have time for me. As I suspected and warned him, I got used to it. And now I'm finally happy with myself, confident, and am getting attention from attractive, ambitious men. And it excites me.

Now, he is trying more but I feel like it's not enough and nothing is making me feel better about us. It's like nothing he does makes an impact on how I view him. But maybe it isn't really enough. Or do I expect too much... I'm even getting annoyed by little things he does more than I should, and get annoyed with him trying to be sweet, it just comes off as weak and needy. I don't enjoy sleeping with him and I'm no longer physically attracted, as I'm active and he hasn't been in years. It's not sexy to give up on caring for your body. Or to keep promising he will and never does. He just seems settled, unambitious, prone to addiction, and not always someone I can trust to rely on no matter what. He has a good job but I don't feel like he challenges me. I'm pretty outgoing and very competitive, and have a strong personality. He sits at the computer most of his life and I'm tired of feeling like his mother half the time. We have a house, animals, the whole shebang. Don't really argue but I feel more like roommates.

We've been togethar over 10 years and I care about him. But I'm wondering if I'm holding on to this marriage because I'm used to it or afraid of hurting him. When I think about being single, it seems so freeing. But I also don't want to throw this away if I'm in a phase where I'm reliving my early 20s since I was too busy trying to grow up, get a house, and get married, and will get over it. I just can't get enough of being around people right now, going out and having fun, and enjoying every moment of life and I'm not missing him doing it. No time apart seems to hurt anymore.

I've recently cheated multiple times (no affair, just random) and don't feel bad about it at all. I sort of did the first time a year ago and felt bad for months but I was also still feeling like I wasn't good enough for him. I am NOT asking advice or ridicule on that subject, please.

My thoughts: am I poly? I almost fell in love several times over the years and have thought about the idea some. feel like I care too much for too many people. Or am I just unhappy with my marriage and seeking attention elsewhere, as a phase, and probably monogamous but not in the right relationship?

I've recently cheated multiple times (no affair, just random) and don't feel bad about it at all. I sort of did the first time a year ago and felt bad for months but I was also still feeling like I wasn't good enough for him. I am NOT asking advice or ridicule on that subject, please.

Wow. Yeah, maybe consider ending the marriage officially. You gave up on it a long time ago. Whether this man is as you described or not, he deserves better than someone who runs around behind his back sleeping with other men.

You are not poly. You are cheating on your husband and are in a lifeless marriage. You need to either go to marriage counseling, or end it. and you say you do not want to hurt him, but you already have by straying and cheating and putting him at risk.

Yeah, I agree with abitbroken. You're not poly. You're bored in your marriage and basically you've checked out. You might as well end it so both of you have a chance at a happy life.

My guess is that you would care a lot more about your cheating if your husband found out and you lost everything you've built. Cheating thrives in the dark. It's when cold reality hits that it suddenly seems a lot less appealing.

In any case, I think you know what you need to do. You checked out of your marriage ages ago and don't love your husband. What is stopping you from divorcing?

Yes, you are headed for a divorce.

You can go ahead and try marriage councilling but it sounds like you are all out of “try”. In my experience and observation, once one person checks out and no longer wants to try to fix the relationship, it’s already dead.

You aren’t poly. You’ve just already decided you are single (whether you are aware of that consciously or not) and are behaving like a single person.

This is why there will no longer be marriages that last to 50 years +. People now a days get "bored" need more attention from the opposite sex, have no loyalty, no longer care to work things out with the person they choose to marry.

10 years? That's a drop in the bucket and you're ready to walk out. Wow. And you've already slept around?

Why bother marrying this man at all? You could have spared him a boat load of pain. Do him a favor now and divorce him so he might be able to find someone more willing to work out an actual marriage.

And for future reference, you don't sleep with other men when you get bored, you ask your spouse to go to marriage counselling, re-connect, do whatever it takes to fix a marriage.

It's not a drive thru meal that you toss when you need more attention.

What preceded the infidelity, and understanding the trap of infidelity is the subject.

Quick fix band-aids won't restore your damaged spirit.

To do that, you have tell him.

He checked out then you checked out. It's time to consult an attorney and free both of you. This sounds accurate and insightful:

I just unhappy with my marriage and seeking attention elsewhere

For years, you guys have been telling me to leave him for reasons other than this. I tried eveything I knew to make it work, to make us communicate better, to make him want to play an active part. I went to counseling myself, we went to marriage counseling, I was faithful.

Yes, shame on me for doing what I did. But you also don't know how he has treated me. Not saying it's right, at all, but both of us are guilty for things and both parties will need to forgive and be forgiven.

Obviously that is not behaviour that should be present in a marriage.

This is why there will no longer be marriages that last to 50 years +. People now a days get "bored" need more attention from the opposite sex, have no loyalty, no longer care to work things out with the person they choose to marry.

Thats not universally true. There are people still committed to their marriage -- but they did not go into it with a messed up parent/child dynamic going into it. She knew that things were not great from almost the get go -- but married him anyhow

Wow. now why would I be here, confused, if I was just someone who thought cheating was okay!? I'm asking advice, and that was only a fraction of my story, not his. If it took 9 years to happen, I must have been behaving for 90% of it.

We did counseling on and of for 9 years. I read books on relationships, tried to better myself, etc. My husband wouldn't sleep with me for 1 year because he was "too stressed about work" he's been a borderline alcoholic and video game addict. It took me 9 years to get to this point. I was always caring, and always put in as much as I possibly could.

I dedicated my entire existence to that man for years. When I dedicate myself to something, I'm in it for the long haul. But when the other party doesn't put in the effort it can tear you down after a while. Now he is making more of an effort, just recently, but I'm not sure if I'm too far gone now and I don't know if my feelings can come back and if he will do what he says and actually stick to it.

Wow. now why would I be here, confused, if I was just someone who thought cheating was okay!? I'm asking advice, and that was only a fraction of my story, not his. If it took 9 years to happen, I must have been behaving for 90% of it.

 

We did counseling on and of for 9 years. I read books on relationships, tried to better myself, etc. My husband wouldn't sleep with me for 1 year because he was "too stressed about work" he's been a borderline alcoholic and video game addict. It took me 9 years to get to this point. I was always caring, and always put in as much as I possibly could.

 

I dedicated my entire existence to that man for years. When I dedicate myself to something, I'm in it for the long haul. But when the other party doesn't put in the effort it can tear you down after a while. Now he is making more of an effort, just recently, but I'm not sure if I'm too far gone now and I don't know if my feelings can come back and if he will do what he says and actually stick to it.

The point is, you divorce before sleeping with another man. He should have been afforded that decency. It doesn't matter if the other party doesn't put in an effort or not -- you either stay faithful, or you leave. To me, if my husband didn't sleep with me due to stress, i would be concerned for his health and encourage him to see a doctor. It could also be because he could understand loud and clear that you had disdain for him and don't find him attractive anymore. Either way, you have checked out. I encourage you to confess your cheating so he can get tested for STDs if you have slept together in the past year.

Have you read this book?: The Wendy Dilemma: When Women Stop Mothering Their Men

Excerpt: "Explores the role of mothering and explains how women, who seek approval in marriage by acting as mother rather than as a wife, produce an unhealthy relationship that contributes to the problem of men who refuse to grow up"

The point is, you divorce before sleeping with another man. He should have been afforded that decency. It doesn't matter if the other party doesn't put in an effort or not -- you either stay faithful, or you leave. To me, if my husband didn't sleep with me due to stress, i would be concerned for his health and encourage him to see a doctor. It could also be because he could understand loud and clear that you had disdain for him and don't find him attractive anymore. Either way, you have checked out. I encourage you to confess your cheating so he can get tested for STDs if you have slept together in the past year.

Well, I wasnt planning to do so. It happened and now I have to deal with it. And am doing so. I didn't say I didn't confess, and I never said I didn't get a health check.

I haven't considered divorse until the incidents happened and I opened my eyes to the fact that he wasn't changing in the ways he needed to and promised (not anything more than the person he was for the first 2 years), and it wasnt because I'm not good enough.

During the time he didn't sleep with me, I did urge him to go back to counseling but instead he stopped his meds and started drinking to ease his anxiety. I went to counseling to discuss how I could help from my end. I gave him massages daily to help physically calm him and was patient. I didnt rub it in his face. That was also 4 years ago, and I was still attracted to him, and no I didn't cheat on him then.

While it may all be new to Manillar; the path you chose is very common.

Maybe you/others simply don't understand what marriage is supposed to be?

While way to complex to cover it all let's start with the beginning.

He says: I promise to love honor and obey you till the day I die. (Or other variation)

He fails to, or never intended to, live up to those vows/promises.

You formally tell him, work with him and encourage to honor his vows/promises.

But he still refuses to honor his vows/promises.

1. No more sex and he sleeps on the couch.

2. He still refuses, you separate. (This is the step most husbands START to get it.)

3. He changes, you begin your new better than ever marriage.

4. Or, he still refuses, you divorce.

Divorce? Yes, he broke his vows/promises to you.

That's how it's done.

The other men just added confusion and dishonor.

I guess that's what it comes down to, if you can't see it working out, divorce before you head to someone else's bed.

But after everything you've written about...this marriage is more than over. All that needs to be done is the paperwork.

This is why there will no longer be marriages that last to 50 years +. People now a days get "bored" need more attention from the opposite sex, have no loyalty, no longer care to work things out with the person they choose to marry.

 

10 years? That's a drop in the bucket and you're ready to walk out. Wow. And you've already slept around?

 

Why bother marrying this man at all? You could have spared him a boat load of pain. Do him a favor now and divorce him so he might be able to find someone more willing to work out an actual marriage.

 

And for future reference, you don't sleep with other men when you get bored, you ask your spouse to go to marriage counselling, re-connect, do whatever it takes to fix a marriage.

It's not a drive thru meal that you toss when you need more attention.

BRAVO!!!!! Nailed it

For years, you guys have been telling me to leave him for reasons other than this. I tried eveything I knew to make it work, to make us communicate better, to make him want to play an active part. I went to counseling myself, we went to marriage counseling, I was faithful.

 

Yes, shame on me for doing what I did. But you also don't know how he has treated me. Not saying it's right, at all, but both of us are guilty for things and both parties will need to forgive and be forgiven.

 

Obviously that is not behaviour that should be present in a marriage.

So have you told him? I get it, you lost attraction for him. I get it most people that marry don't love each other forever, or they settle for what's familiar. I don't get the cheating. You have to KNOW how you feel, and what is good for you and love yourself. Which you did... and then you cheated? There's three real reasons for divorce. Abuse, Addiction, and Adultery. Did he or you commit any of those besides Adultery?

Nobody is perfect, but quite honestly when you went to counseling did you both have an honest conversation about separating and communicating that you weren't happy and why? I'm not sure that you did. I think you need to tell him and see where it goes from there. It most likely will lead to a divorce. Lester put it somewhat right, but I don't think everyone has the same idea of what love is. Did you either even try to communicate your needs to each other?

I'm going through a separation and I tried and I tried... Know what lead to the separation? We got into an argument, she asked me If I loved anything about her anymore and I answered it honesty and said no. There's abuse in my relationship and I grew to not love my partner anymore... All you can do is learn from your experiences. I understand you wanted to feel wanted... and probably did temporarily... but you aren't addressing the real issue.

When I started reading the first few lines of your post I wondered when you would get to the part where you cheated and then BOOM there it was.

Divorce him. You have broken a sacred trust and feel zero remorse over it. There is nothing left to save here.

Divorce sucks but staying and cheating on him over and over again is way worse. Before you were an unhappy wife, now you are a cheater. Stop all this now before it gets worse. He should be free of the dishonesty and betrayal. He is a terrible husband to be sure but that is why divorce exists.

Life after divorce is what you make it and you may just find it isn't as freeing as you once imagined when there is no safety net waiting for you at home.

Do the right thing and start the divorce process.

Lost