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Thread: my GF shuts me off when she's mad

  1. #1

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    my GF shuts me off when she's mad

    its my first time to post her,

    to be honest I have never seeked advice from anyone online but I feel helpless at the moment. I'm a lesbian and I have been in a serious relationship with my partner for almost 4 years, she completes me and I couldn't be happier with any of my previous relationships in the past.

    the biggest problem I'm facing with her is her mood fluctuation, I consider her to be the type of person who does " silent treatment" for any problem that we go through, and this drives me crazy, when we argue or something goes wrong it would totally be normal to her to shut me down for days or sometimes a week or two, yes we still see each other, we still text and we still go out, but its like theres a huge barrier between us.

    I have spoken to her many times about this issue and that it could seriously harm our relationship, we are mature, her and I are in our thirties, we were both married before and we have kids.

    sometimes I feel like I'm dating a person with two different personalties, one that loves me crazily and the other pushes me away when something isn't right, she isn't the type of a person that would want to seek help from anyone or even our closest friends.

    I know my problem might same lame now while writing about it, but the feeling of insecurity and the lack of communication when we go through tough times is a major cause of our problems and If I try to talk about it she asks me to stop whining and nagging about it.

    sometimes I think my expectations might be too high from her, and I just don't ever want her to get mad at me. all I want is to live a happy life with her.. yes maybe I do highlight the things that piss me off, I do always remind her that I deserve a better treatment. and this obviously results in nothing but more tension.

    I don't know if anyone else here has a silent treatment partner.... please do give me your advice!

    thanks

  2. #2
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    Can you define what you mean by silent treatment, exactly? What is this barrier you describe?

    You say you still see each other, text and communicate when this happens so I'm a little confused about describing it as the silent treatment. My understanding of the silent treatment is that there is little to no communication when said partner walls off.

    Could you clarify for us?

  3. #3
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    Yeah, sounds passive aggressive to me. Maybe with a tinge of bipiolar mixed in. I would also say a bit of emotional abuse thrown in there too. Is she depressed and also suffers from anxiety?

    How often does she do this? I mean, to go up to a week doing this behavior, she is definitely trying to control and manipulate you. And certainly, when you say you feel helpless, that's a pretty strong feeling.

    And people who are emotionally abusive do express the kind of behavior you describe, where she seems to exaggerate her expressions of love, but then finds fault with you for doing something she doesn't like. Do you have to modify your what you say and do around her just to keep from setting her off?

    I would have to read more about the relationship, but I've got a feeling that something more is going on than just the silent treatment.

  4. #4
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Does she verbally request space for a defined period when the two of you have a conflict? Is she willing to discuss the issues after taking some space? Or, does she shut down without notice and avoid conflict altogether? If she pulls away to punish you for being upset with her in an effort to manipulate you into apologizing when she is in the wrong, that is abusive silent treatment. Simply needing time to process or not wanting to heatedly duke it out in the moment is not the silent treatment. A more detailed description of her behavior is needed.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    Does she verbally request space for a defined period when the two of you have a conflict? Is she willing to discuss the issues after taking some space? Or, does she shut down without notice and avoid conflict altogether? If she pulls away to punish you for being upset with her in an effort to manipulate you into apologizing when she is in the wrong, that is abusive silent treatment. Simply needing time to process or not wanting to heatedly duke it out in the moment is not the silent treatment. A more detailed description of her behavior is needed.
    I agree with this. It feels manipulative and punishing.
    My marriage was somewhat like this. Years of unresolved issues built up like a block wall between us. By the time we addressed it (in therapy) the wall was insurmountable and it was too late.

    Resolving conflicts in a healthy way leads to more connected-ness and intimacy.
    Sweeping things under the rug poisons it.

  7. #6
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    Yup. "Manipulative and punishing." Crazy making.

    Have you sought couples counseling?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by hergirl
    I have spoken to her many times about this issue and that it could seriously harm our relationship, we are mature, her and I are in our thirties, we were both married before and we have kids.

    sometimes I feel like I'm dating a person with two different personalties, one that loves me crazily and the other pushes me away when something isn't right, she isn't the type of a person that would want to seek help from anyone or even our closest friends.
    No she isn't mature, this behavior for a full week is deliberate, that some people avoid conflict by shutting down on the spot yes, but continuing this for days is absolutely not respectful !

    Seems like another one of these cases, where the other can bring you so low that the highs feel so much more exhilarating, but why put up with being put so low for so much time ?
    Why do people want to be in 50% of the time awful, 50% of the time amazing relationships, instead of a steady 75% good one I really do not get it, are you trying to "save her" or make
    her as you envision her to be ?

  9. #8
    Hi hergirl, I will tell you mine attitude which i really want to change ! When me and my girlfriend fight I can't talk I feel very hurt and I hold that in me and I think it pulls me down. Why I get hurt? Once I wanted to do good : - I got with flu and I had to stay at her house where I live(after long distance relationship I went to her country, where I know her and her family only) and she went as usual to her parents to see them, seven minutes after she got out from the door I ring her phone, knowing that she already arrived at her parents, to say hello to them and that i would love to be there with my girlfriend and them but i cant because of the flu. For me that's showing respect for my girlfriend and her family and that's what i was hoping for to be acknowledge for. Instead, my girlfriend answer the phone with a weird tone of her voice and asked me :"why are you calling me, we were just now together?" I said it quick why I called and felt ashamed and disrespected. I felt like I worth below zero. When she came back I felt angry and when she wanted to hug me I didnt let her. She got so mad that she started yelling and we end up in a cold relation several days. Instead of me speaking that what i think was respect and what no, tell her that she was wrong, talk, I reacted in a not good way. When I feel that I am disrespected I dont say it cause I think my girlfriend has to know that or I expect for her to know that.
    Last edited by Butterfly42; 09-05-2018 at 10:13 PM. Reason: Type mistake

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Yeah, sounds passive aggressive to me. Maybe with a tinge of bipiolar mixed in. I would also say a bit of emotional abuse thrown in there too. Is she depressed and also suffers from anxiety?

    How often does she do this? I mean, to go up to a week doing this behavior, she is definitely trying to control and manipulate you. And certainly, when you say you feel helpless, that's a pretty strong feeling.

    And people who are emotionally abusive do express the kind of behavior you describe, where she seems to exaggerate her expressions of love, but then finds fault with you for doing something she doesn't like. Do you have to modify your what you say and do around her just to keep from setting her off?

    I would have to read more about the relationship, but I've got a feeling that something more is going on than just the silent treatment.
    What you just said above really hit home for me! I used to have a GF who is deaf and she was very dramatic with her gestures of love and affection, but then the next minute she would get insanely upset or go silent because I didn't look at her right, or something silly like that. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells and couldn't be myself. Over time, I never really knew what to believe anymore, if she really loved me or if we were in an unhealthy addictive/codependent relationship.

    We ended out relationship about 3 weeks ago. She moved out and went no contact with me while I was out of town. After living with someone and a 1 1/2 year relationship, one would think we could sit down and have face to face conversation like adults, but how she handled our breakup I think is a reflection of how she treated our relationship in general. Passive aggressive and emotionally abusive. She shut me out and it hurt a lot...felt like she was punishing me. I understand the necessity of going no contact, but the initial way our "break up" unfolded was traumatic and hurtful for me.


    I only mention this to you because I would be careful and try to develop healthier communication habits now, or it could come back and bite you in the end.


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