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Getting Back Together? - Need Advice


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Okay, story time.

 

Almost a year ago, I dated a guy for a month, not that long, I know, and we were never official, but it was amazing. He is 32 and I'm 21, and at the time my daughter was about to turn 1. He had just gotten out of a 7 year relationship with someone and he also owns a roofing and siding company, so we weren't exactly "inseparable". The few times we went out it was absolutely incredible. His texts were spacey, and he was pretty busy between having his ex trying to get back together and working on his growing business, but that honestly didn't bother me, I'm not very high maintenance.

 

We did get intimate at the end, and it was unforgettable, but he ended things shortly after that. He was clearly torn up about it, but it wasn't a good time for him to try and start a new relationship. I was obviously bummed, but I understood how hard things were for him, and tried to make it easier on him. He said he didn't want me to hate him or be upset with him, but I reassured him it was okay, and that if he found he was ready and wanted to try again, I would definitely be interested. I didn't see or hear from him again.

 

For 10 months I couldn't stop thinking about him. I tried finding a connection like that again, but nothing came close. I dated a guy for a while, but we ended up not working out. I just couldn't get that first guy out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how many times I convinced myself that we would have never worked out.

 

Then, just over a week ago, I saw him for the first time in almost a year. I was at work (I'm a cashier), and he went through the checkout in front of mine. I looked up and when I saw him, my entire body reacted. He looked over, smiled and asked how I was doing, said I looked good and that he liked my haircut. I said thanks and asked him how he was doing and kept it short, because my heart was trying to crawl up my throat. Every time I looked up from the customer I was working with, he was staring at me, and I couldn't help but smile. The man is very attractive. He walked out, locking eyes with me as he went by, and I was left reeling.

 

I got off my shift at 11pm, and drove home with him on my mind. I got home and checked my phone, saw that he had sent me a friend request on Facebook. I was surprised, I knew he didn't have an account and couldn't believe his name had popped up (turns out, he made an account just so he could talk to me). He sent me a message and we started talking. Just caught up and talked for a couple hours. He said he couldn't sleep because he couldn't stop thinking about me, and that seeing me was harder than he thought it would be. We agreed it would be a good idea to sit down and talk face to face, just to clear the air about what happened a year ago. We didn't really talk after that until we met up in a few days.

 

So fast forward a few days and I go to his house and we talk. It was obvious that he was having a hard time keeping his hands to himself, but he's a gentleman so he behaved. We just talked for a while. Talked about what happened, talked about how we've been. I asked why it seemed like he had avoided me for so long, and he said that it hurt too much to see me and not be able to do anything about it, and he also thought I must've hated him for breaking things off the way he did. I just reassured him that I could never hate him and that I missed seeing him. He admitted that he's been seeing someone for a little while, but it isn't serious or even official. I asked if he was interested in pursuing something with me but he said he didn't know. He likes me and is obviously attracted to me, but doesn't know what to do. He said he likes the girl he's seeing and she's closer to his age, but he is interested in me. He was clearly very torn and didn't know what to do. I said if he is truly happy with this woman, then I won't try and get in the way. I would love to try things with him, but I want to respect his decision, even if I don't necessarily like it. He appreciated how understanding I was, and said he just doesn't know what he wants right now.

 

We both didn't want to have to end the night, but we knew it was probably time for me to go. It was getting increasingly difficult to be in the same room, there was a lot of sexual tension. We've always had a very strong chemistry like that. So we said goodbye and hugged, which that alone revved us both up.

 

I haven't heard from him since. It's been a week.

 

Please help. I can't get him out of my mind and all I want to do is see him again, but I told him I'd give him space to think about what he really wants.

 

If anyone can give me any advice on what I should do, like, just give up and try my best to forget about him, or give him more time, I would really appreciate it.

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Well, tell yourself that he's taken and try to put him out of your mind. You don't want to be "the woman on the side." You don't want him ringing you up every time he has a disagreement with his girlfriend or just wants a booty call. Also an 11-year-age gap is a pretty big one, and the chances of a relationship succeeding are pretty slim. Plus the guy broke up with you. He may have been using the ex as an excuse, one that you would accept rather than the real one which may have been you were just too young, or you had a baby. Try to find a young cute guy to date.

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Okay, story time.

 

Almost a year ago, I dated a guy for a month, not that long, I know, and we were never official, but it was amazing. He is 32 and I'm 21, and at the time my daughter was about to turn 1. He had just gotten out of a 7 year relationship with someone and he also owns a roofing and siding company, so we weren't exactly "inseparable". The few times we went out it was absolutely incredible. His texts were spacey, and he was pretty busy between having his ex trying to get back together and working on his growing business, but that honestly didn't bother me, I'm not very high maintenance.

 

We did get intimate at the end, and it was unforgettable, but he ended things shortly after that. He was clearly torn up about it, but it wasn't a good time for him to try and start a new relationship. I was obviously bummed, but I understood how hard things were for him, and tried to make it easier on him. He said he didn't want me to hate him or be upset with him, but I reassured him it was okay, and that if he found he was ready and wanted to try again, I would definitely be interested. I didn't see or hear from him again.

 

For 10 months I couldn't stop thinking about him. I tried finding a connection like that again, but nothing came close. I dated a guy for a while, but we ended up not working out. I just couldn't get that first guy out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how many times I convinced myself that we would have never worked out.

 

Then, just over a week ago, I saw him for the first time in almost a year. I was at work (I'm a cashier), and he went through the checkout in front of mine. I looked up and when I saw him, my entire body reacted. He looked over, smiled and asked how I was doing, said I looked good and that he liked my haircut. I said thanks and asked him how he was doing and kept it short, because my heart was trying to crawl up my throat. Every time I looked up from the customer I was working with, he was staring at me, and I couldn't help but smile. The man is very attractive. He walked out, locking eyes with me as he went by, and I was left reeling.

 

I got off my shift at 11pm, and drove home with him on my mind. I got home and checked my phone, saw that he had sent me a friend request on Facebook. I was surprised, I knew he didn't have an account and couldn't believe his name had popped up (turns out, he made an account just so he could talk to me). He sent me a message and we started talking. Just caught up and talked for a couple hours. He said he couldn't sleep because he couldn't stop thinking about me, and that seeing me was harder than he thought it would be. We agreed it would be a good idea to sit down and talk face to face, just to clear the air about what happened a year ago. We didn't really talk after that until we met up in a few days.

 

So fast forward a few days and I go to his house and we talk. It was obvious that he was having a hard time keeping his hands to himself, but he's a gentleman so he behaved. We just talked for a while. Talked about what happened, talked about how we've been. I asked why it seemed like he had avoided me for so long, and he said that it hurt too much to see me and not be able to do anything about it, and he also thought I must've hated him for breaking things off the way he did. I just reassured him that I could never hate him and that I missed seeing him. He admitted that he's been seeing someone for a little while, but it isn't serious or even official. I asked if he was interested in pursuing something with me but he said he didn't know. He likes me and is obviously attracted to me, but doesn't know what to do. He said he likes the girl he's seeing and she's closer to his age, but he is interested in me. He was clearly very torn and didn't know what to do. I said if he is truly happy with this woman, then I won't try and get in the way. I would love to try things with him, but I want to respect his decision, even if I don't necessarily like it. He appreciated how understanding I was, and said he just doesn't know what he wants right now.

We both didn't want to have to end the night, but we knew it was probably time for me to go. It was getting increasingly difficult to be in the same room, there was a lot of sexual tension. We've always had a very strong chemistry like that. So we said goodbye and hugged, which that alone revved us both up.

 

I haven't heard from him since. It's been a week.

 

Please help. I can't get him out of my mind and all I want to do is see him again, but I told him I'd give him space to think about what he really wants.

 

If anyone can give me any advice on what I should do, like, just give up and try my best to forget about him, or give him more time, I would really appreciate it.

 

There were numerous red flags during the first encounter with this man, and there are just as many presenting themselves on the second encounter. In general, it's not a great idea to get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship, especially one as long as 7 years. From what you described, it sounds like you were a booty-call rebound. The fact that you consider yourself "low-maintenance" made you ripe for an emotionally unavailable situation.

 

Now, 10 months later, nothing has changed except that he's even less available. He found another woman closer to his age that is willing to accept him being halfway involved. I think you need to ask yourself why you are so laser-focused on a man 11 years your senior who cannot possibly offer you the committed relationship you want. You were smart to avoid sleeping with him, and I highly recommend you do not give into the temptation in the future. My advice would be to actually work on moving on and accepting that the two of you aren't compatible. Who knows if this man will ever be ready for another serious relationship again.

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I understand exactly what you're saying, it's something I've been going back and forth on for the past week. I just know that if he does break up with her and wants to try with me, I don't think I'll be able to say no. I hate "what ifs". I don't understand why he would message me after all this time if I'm "too young" anyway. And I guess the age difference doesn't bother me all that much, my parents started dating when my mom was 20 and they have a 13 year difference

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He messaged you because he ran into you in public by chance, and probably would not mind sleeping with you again. Remember that 10 months went by where he didn't message you at all. He is acting impulsively and out of convenience. If he did decide to leave his current partner, would you be able to trust him not to do the same to you if he ran into her in the future? He didn't exactly speak highly of her either. Don't fool yourself into thinking that his treatment towards partners is suddenly going to change once he is with you. I agree with you that age differences do not necessarily matter, but with all the other red flags present, there's still more than enough reasons for you to steer far clear of this situation.

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Sorry, my last reply was written before I saw your post about moving on. Total no contact helps. This includes blocking his number and severing any social media ties. Then, work on reducing the amount of time you spend obsessing and thinking about him during the day. Try setting aside a set amount of time each day for awhile where you are allowed to journal and process the situation, so you don't waste all day worrying about why he is the way he is. If you run into him in public, keep the conversation as short as possible and be curt. Don't let him mess with your heart and your head.

 

The hard part about moving on is that it takes time and concentrated effort. You have to decide you want to be done and find someone more befitting of you. Remind yourself of why the two of you are not together as often as necessary. It will improve and eventually you will meet a guy who wants a committed relationship as well.

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I guess I've never been anyone's "bootycall". Only ever had serious relationships, and I can't comprehend only being wanted for sex. Definitely not a good feeling, but maybe having this new perspective will help me get over this once and for all. I really appreciate the advice, I have been in a bit of a mental whirlwind.

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Hey, I can relate. A lot of my teenage and adult years were spent in serious relationships. Now I'm 26, single, and struggling to find a man who is interested in more than just sex. Dating is hard, but you have to hold out until you find someone who shares your values. I have a feeling you're going to be okay, since you are willing to look at the situation from different perspectives. I wish you the best of luck!

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Also, I am still in contact with one of his buddies, he ended up being one of my closest friends after things didn't work out last year. He has been trying to help me through this as well. He says he hasn't seen his buddy this torn up over a girl (me) before, and that even some of his family was rooting for us to work out. I guess that's why I was so confused, so focused on it. I had this sense of hope from an outside source as well. I will definitely try to stop obsessing over it though, I guess it's clear it won't work out.

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Well I basically agree with the others, I think the guy is probably not into you enough to actually date you. I would say that he finds you attractive and I suppose does "like you" in the sense that he probably thinks you're nice and fun to be around. But if the first time you dated, he ended it after only one month, I wouldn't say he had developed particularly strong feelings for you. If he had real feelings for you then at least he would have given your relationship more of a chance and to date longer. Seems like he'd ended it right after you got intimate, so after he finally got what he wanted.

 

Also keep in mind that even though he was trying to move on from his ex, now that he has seemingly "moved on", he didn't actually get in touch with you, but instead started dating another woman. I mean you had literally not heard from him for a year. If you were really on his mind he would have contacted you much earlier, trust me. Even now he is choosing the woman he's currently seeing over you. I think he friend requested you on Facebook to keep you around in case it doesn't work out with this woman, and then he can start sleeping with you again. You also mentioned that in that month that you did see each other, you didn't even hear from him often. All of this just screams "he's just not that into you".

 

I think you deserve much better than him and maybe you shouldn't be so "low maintenance". You should know your self worth and not chase after some player guy who only wants to use women. I recommend to move on just delete and block him on Facebook and start dating other guys. Don't reply to him again, I don't think his intentions are particularly honest or genuine.

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It won't be easy for me to do, because I've already invested so much of my time into this, but I agree completely with everything you said. It hurts me more than I thought it would to hear I'm basically not good enough for his liking, but I have to accept that and move on. And I guess I'm not "low maintenance" per se, but I am adaptive and try to make everyone happy, and that is part of the problem as well.

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I guess it's not so much my time as it is my headspace he's taken up. But I'm not saying I don't think I deserve him, I just meant it sucks that he doesn't think of me in the same regard I think (thought?) of him.

 

It does suck, but it's better to face the reality of the situation. Work on validating yourself so you don't look to men to do so for you. Once you truly value yourself, you won't give men like him the time of day. Just remember that self-love is a journey and no one comes into life knowing all there is to know about relationships. You'll figure everything out eventually.

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Something to help you move on, realize whatever this man said he didn't want a relationship a year ago, company, ex etc, it's all excuses if you really love someone will this keep you from

engaging in a relationship, I don't think so and now he's involved with someone else, so what's his point !?

Then now he says he doesn't know what to do, really ? That's other excuses because big age gaps can be difficult, but having known you for a month he should have a clue, sorry to say but

good men take responsibilities and make decisions, they don't hide behind excuses leaving you in the "maybe".

 

To me you seem to be idealizing him, maybe mostly because you feel he's unavailable or need to work on being more confident in yourself. Ask yourself if that's not why you feel so drawn to

him, many people nowadays are attracted by unavailable people and don't take a step back to work this out, I myself have done it it's human but you want a relationship with someone who

wants one, think about it.

I would bet that in some weeks/months, when you'll be moving on you will then realize many small details, that aren't so amazing about him but you didn't want to see.

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