Please help

Okay so. We have been together for 5 years now, we rarely argue, however I’ve been thinking about things due to what’s to follow. On one occasion he was very drunk and in the middle of town he was honestly shouting abuse at me, i instantly broke into tears and I asked him to leave me alone, to quite down as it was so embarrassing. He would call me names. So anyway the following morning we spoke and I said name calling isn’t acceptable blah blah blah, he said he was so very sorry ( I did believe him ) baring in mind this has NEVER happened before, he said the nasty names came from negative feelings he feels for himself and I get that, I’ve been there. Anyway I forgave him on one condition that it would never happen again and name calling is to stop, we agreed.

Anyway tonight we had a falling out and it was my fault and it was really silly. However lately I’ve been feeling so unhappy and I relapsed on self harming after nearly a year, I didn’t tell anyone this as I was embarrassed. However I came to bed so upset I broke down, I’ve never cried the way I cried in bed tonight, he refused to comfort me in any way no hug. He was just asking me to stop crying to calm down, stop crying etc etc in selfish reasons so he could go to sleep. I literally begged for a hug as I always manage to calm myself down when im being comforted, and he refused due to the fall out this morning. I eventually told him what was wrong as he kept asking, and I then said I’m going to tell you something that’s so hard for me to tell you so please don’t give me a heartless response ( like he has been doing while I’ve been crying ) and he mocked my cry, so I was like you know what don’t bother. However he managed to convince me to tell him, and I came clean and I said I’ve relapsed, he did go calmer and he was nicer but still NO hug, no comforting words due to his pride.

I just want some advice as I’m really unsure what to do. I know deep down in my heart it’s not normal to watch someone you love break down into tears and just mock them, but at the same time I know he was angry at me and why should I expect him to drop everything to comfort me? I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, please help

Are you sure these incidents are completely out of the blue? I mean, how has he treated you for the last five years? Is he warm and loving, or is he indifferent where he just has sex with you and then shows you no affection for the rest of the time? You say you rarely argue, but is that because you actively avoid the topics that set him off? And when you do argue, what are they about? Does he have a lot of anger and stress when he comes home?

I mean, yeah, I would normally expect a boyfriend to comfort his girlfriend, so that's why I think there's something going on here. What else is happening in your relation? Can you give us more info?

Are you seeing someone for your emotional breakdowns and self harm? One can't expect a partner to fix what is going on inside your psyche. If you're not getting professional help then he may be at his wits end.

I don't know but it sounds like your b/f is getting impatient or perhaps even becoming unempathetic because he is unable to deal with what ails you.

What brought on the drunken shouting match? Why does he have "negative feelings in himself?"

For the last 5 years he’s completely loving, all my friends see him as the best boyfriend, they always tell me how much they love our relationship because other than these two incident it’s really something amazing, and because of how good it is I want to just forget them but I’m unsure if I can?

Sex isn’t at all an issue, Nothing unusual there. We just rarely argue because we can communicate, so here’s what’s bothering me and ok here’s my view etc etc, there’s no need to argue, but obviously sometimes they happen

No not at all. We’ve been together 3 years before I started to feel not myself. I get professional help aswell, I do not rely on him to deal with it, he’s my boyfriend not my counsellor but he should still be there for me when I need.

He has negative feelings in himself, his friends aren’t great his family don’t believe in him etc, it’s

Personal reasons and completely understandable reasons.

What abuse was he shouting at you on this drunken night?

What was the falling out you had last night about?

He's got some resentment building up inside him, somewhere, and he is obviously feeling very frustrated. It seems that when he is in that state, he has no desire to comfort you. I would imagine he doesn't know how to deal with your emotional upsets, or perhaps just doesn't want to deal with them. Let's see if we can figure out which it is:

You say you've been feeling unhappy lately, which tells me there is more going on than what you've described here. What's got you feeling down? You also said you harmed yourself again for the first time in a year, so I am curious to know what your history was with it before. I understand that last night was not a normal breakdown, but this obviously wasn't a totally isolated episode either. Perhaps some of the answers about your boyfriend's reaction lie in there.

You know how men are taught not to cry or show weakness, well some of us also have issues seeing others cry, like seeing my mom or dad is very difficult for me and I don't know how to react,

I know many friends who are like this, so maybe also his case.

I had an over the top GF once and though I loved her very much, this plus the fact that she would cry suddenly at the simplest annoyment she thought I did, at some point it felt to me like she

was using this as leverage. Meaning I got fed up having to always comfort her and never feeling myself angry or sad myself, it just became very angering that I felt she'd cry for silly stuff or

avoidable stuff not necessarily my fault and that she demanded I comforted her, I felt used or kind of blackmailed in a way, in the end we didn't function together it happens.

And one day I refused and walked away, it became just too much, so talk with him and figure it out before it gets to this point, but I'm not saying you don't have reasons to cry, though some

people have hugely different sensitivities and there is nothing to do about it.

Just stop. He is a toxic sadistic bastard. End it and go strict no contact and delete and block him from all messaging and social media. No need to put up with abuse. Do not fall for his phony apologies and self-serving drivel to lure you back in for the next round when he needs a punching bag.

shouting abuse at me,

He would call me names.

he refused to comfort me in any way no hug.

he mocked my cry

Just stop. He is a toxic sadistic bastard. End it and go strict no contact and delete and block him from all messaging and social media. No need to put up with abuse. Do not fall for his phony apologies and self-serving drivel to lure you back in for the next round when he needs a punching bag.

Frankly, they both are being abusive to one another. Him with the things you point out and her with her emotional manipulation and over-the-top expectation in how he should handle her mental illness.

Toxic and dysfunction from both of them, really. Personal and marital therapy or quit the relationship and work on yourself before dating anyone.