Pregnant and confused

Please bare with me. The back story take a bit, but without it my dilemma won’t make sense.

So last year, I started dating a guy I have been good friends with since high school. He was going through a divorce and like an idiot I allowed things to get way more intense than I had expected. His soon to be ex wife - please note, she had repeated multiple open affairs for several years, became envious of our new relationship and decided to cause problems. Trying to be the adult and give the benefit of the doubt, I ignored her desperate behaviors (showing up at family functions causing a scene, one of which was a funeral, crying and begging him to take her back) A few months go by and out of nowhere, he says to me he isn’t sure what he is feeling, he knows he has so much fun with me and loves being with me but feels he owes his children by being with her. I immediately say, go back to her, if you are questioning how you feel about me, you never really loved me at all. I was devastated but I waited for a few months before deciding to start to date again. Recently, he filed for divorce again and worked up the courage to text me. I agreed to date him, but never agreed to keeping things monogamous or allowing things to get serious again.

We start hanging out and I feel the trust issues creeping up on me. The what if’s and girl don’t be stupid. The ex wife finds out, literally 10 mins within finding out he was with me - she saw us together, is blowing up his phone begging him to take her back and blaming him for hurting their children!! I am automatically in defensive mode, but once again try to ignore it. A few weeks go by, I miss my period - guess what, I’m pregnant! Before anyone jumps on telling me I shoulda used protection, I have went through several years of fertility treatments with no results - I was married once before. Now with the pregnancy her jealous has intensified and she is getting more and more out of control, even using her children to get at me.

This should be a very happy time for me, but I am finding myself a total train wreck. I don’t think it’s pregnancy hormones, I think it’s trust and the fact I have a psycho harassing me nonstop! He says he is completely done with her, it didn’t even take a week when he went back to her for things to be exactly the same as they were, it was 6 Months of pure misery and he is completely finished. A huge part of me doesn’t believe him. He is a nice guy and tries to make everyone around him happy. I’m not sure if I am afraid to allow myself to have the feelings I once did because Of the fear of being hurt all over again or if the feelings really just aren’t there this time. Someone help me please!!

I have many questions before commenting further:

How long has it been since you two reunited?

How is his ex-wife using his children to get at you?

What is his response when she throws a tantrum?

Does he have a legal custody/visitation arrangement in place for his children?

It’s been 2 months, almost 3 months since we started seeing each other again.

Her latest thing, he has two kids, a daughter and a son. The son, he tries not to have fun with us and acts as if he is betraying his mom. Their daughter, she loves hanging out with me, both are great kid. I guess their daughter talks about the fun stuff we do together. Their daughter recently said to me and her dad how her mom was so excited to hang out with me and be friends with me too. I know that sounds like It’s far reaching on my end, but it’s not!! At all!! This kid now has the expectation that her mother and I are going to be the best of friends, NOT A CHANCE, EVER!! The mother uses their kids to come to family cookouts and things of that sort. I don’t think that’s normal?? My parents are divorced and they would drop us off and pick us up later... Instead of going, we both leave and come back after she has left. His parents are like, we will make her leave, but I don’t want to ask them to do that. I don’t feel it’s my place to. not to mention, we know she will take the children with her, so instead of hurting his parents, it’s one of those things, we go do something else.

I try to stay out of their interactions, I feel it is none of my business or my place to be involved. I know when she starts blowing up his phone with that kind of stuff, he ignores her. Whether it be shutting his phone off or leaving it in another room and going on about his day.

Yes, there is legal custody arrangements already in play. I don’t think she would keep the kids away for long, we are talking about a woman that gets pissed off because her children are brought back to her as court ordered. She wants to be able to go out and do her own thing.

Ok, I am going to be blunt, but its coming from a place of you have to make better decisions for yourself and pull up your big girl pants.

What the hell were you thinking?!?!

I don't buy the 'shes crazy' excuse. Every time a woman or man who inserts themselves into a divorce, or recent breakup claims this.

It SHOULD be a happy time for you but you decided to latch yourself on a crazy train. Youre an adult, theres no way you thought this was the same thing as getting pregnant under normal circumstances.

He already left you to go back to her, do you truly think its not possible she gets like this because he has her on the line still? You have a baby on the way, time to clear the air. Time for everyone to be adults. Im sorry I know you dont believe this but I promise you this drama is not all her.

It’s been 2 months, almost 3 months since we started seeing each other again.

 

Her latest thing, he has two kids, a daughter and a son. The son, he tries not to have fun with us and acts as if he is betraying his mom. Their daughter, she loves hanging out with me, both are great kid. I guess their daughter talks about the fun stuff we do together. Their daughter recently said to me and her dad how her mom was so excited to hang out with me and be friends with me too. I know that sounds like It’s far reaching on my end, but it’s not!! At all!! This kid now has the expectation that her mother and I are going to be the best of friends, NOT A CHANCE, EVER!! The mother uses their kids to come to family cookouts and things of that sort. I don’t think that’s normal?? My parents are divorced and they would drop us off and pick us up later... Instead of going, we both leave and come back after she has left. His parents are like, we will make her leave, but I don’t want to ask them to do that. I don’t feel it’s my place to. not to mention, we know she will take the children with her, so instead of hurting his parents, it’s one of those things, we go do something else.

 

I try to stay out of their interactions, I feel it is none of my business or my place to be involved. I know when she starts blowing up his phone with that kind of stuff, he ignores her. Whether it be shutting his phone off or leaving it in another room and going on about his day.

 

Yes, there is legal custody arrangements already in play. I don’t think she would keep the kids away for long, we are talking about a woman that gets pissed off because her children are brought back to her as court ordered. She wants to be able to go out and do her own thing.

You're insecure and this is unnecessary drama.

If you weren't pregnant I would tell you to take your drama elsewhere and allow this family to establish their roles as coparents but alas youre part of the family now too.

Lesson number one: Be an adult and make make peace. She has every right to be at family functions her children are at if that is the type of relationship they have, it shouldnt change because the new girlfriend feels threatened. Also, if it helps the kids transition you should be more than willing to go along, but you're putting yourself first, which, why wouldnt you, youve been doing that from the start, time to change your outlook. You're part of a blended family now.

I can't imagine how confused these children are. I'm sure they're already confused with their parents going through a divorce which hasn't happened as of yet, and now they're having to interact with another woman who's involved and in the middle of this, (imo). This is grossly unfair to them, along with the state of their well being.

The bottom line is you need to take a step back, and allow him to get over this hurdle. I'm sorry to sound negative, but when all is said and done, you're likely to end up as a single mother.

The pregnancy just added fuel to the fire. I don’t even begin to compare my pregnancy to a normal one, especially since it should have never happened. Thousands and thousands of dollars with no results and then out of nowhere during the worst time imaginable? Believe me, the timing and situation couldn’t be much worse.

As far as raising my child on my own, I am completely capable of doing so. I have an excellent career, financially stable, nice home etc. Their divorce will be final within a few weeks, I’m hoping that once it is finished, then everything calms down, I’m just not so sure that is going to happen.

I think that I have been fairly reasonable as far as all of this goes, I completely stay out of their relationship. I gave him no choice but to go back to her the last time. I completely broke things off, I thought if I was out of the picture, he would figure out for himself what he wanted. I do agree that something is completely off. I don’t know if it’s because she has lost her gravy train and no longer has the best of both worlds. I really hope he’s telling her one thing and me another and I am over here completely oblivious to the reality of the situation.

I don't know how you thought she would suddenly become "un-crazy" when you decided to get back involved with him.

Focus on your child. Prepare to be a single mother. You and your child will be fine once you get away from all the drama.

The son, he tries not to have fun with us and acts as if he is betraying his mom. Their daughter, she loves hanging out with me, both are great kid. I guess their daughter talks about the fun stuff we do together. Their daughter recently said to me and her dad how her mom was so excited to hang out with me and be friends with me too. I know that sounds like It’s far reaching on my end, but it’s not!! At all!! This kid now has the expectation that her mother and I are going to be the best of friends, NOT A CHANCE, EVER!! The mother uses their kids to come to family cookouts and things of that sort. I don’t think that’s normal?? My parents are divorced and they would drop us off and pick us up later... Instead of going, we both leave and come back after she has left. His parents are like, we will make her leave, but I don’t want to ask them to do that. I don’t feel it’s my place to. not to mention, we know she will take the children with her, so instead of hurting his parents, it’s one of those things, we go do something else.

OP, you need to give these poor kids a break. You talk about them as though they are demanding too much or not being nice enough to you. They're children and they're in the middle of a family breakdown.

His son probably does feel like he's betraying Mom by being around yo. Right or wrong, he sees how hurt his mom is and he probably sees you as the interloper. It's only been a couple months since his parent split again. Give him time.

As for his daughter, well, she's looking for harmony. Her world has been turned upside down a couple times now and she's hoping everyone will get along. Yes, you being best friends with her mom is a tall order and not very realistic. But you need to chill out about that and not take such offense to this child-like notion. She's trying to make sense of all the drama and trying to get the adults to play nicely. Relax.

How your parents handled their divorce is irrelevant here. This is not the same family and it's not fair of you to apply the same code of conduct in this situation. There is more than one way for a divorced couple to interact. That doesn't mean they will always make choices you will agree with, nor that you have to just go along with all his ex's demands. But I do think you need to adjust your perspective here; they've just barely split up again and he's already expecting another child with his on-off-on girlfriend. This is going to be a hard one for both his ex and their children to swallow.

The pregnancy just added fuel to the fire. I don’t even begin to compare my pregnancy to a normal one, especially since it should have never happened. Thousands and thousands of dollars with no results and then out of nowhere during the worst time imaginable? Believe me, the timing and situation couldn’t be much worse.

 

As far as raising my child on my own, I am completely capable of doing so. I have an excellent career, financially stable, nice home etc. Their divorce will be final within a few weeks, I’m hoping that once it is finished, then everything calms down, I’m just not so sure that is going to happen.

 

I think that I have been fairly reasonable as far as all of this goes, I completely stay out of their relationship. I gave him no choice but to go back to her the last time. I completely broke things off, I thought if I was out of the picture, he would figure out for himself what he wanted. I do agree that something is completely off. I don’t know if it’s because she has lost her gravy train and no longer has the best of both worlds. I really hope he’s telling her one thing and me another and I am over here completely oblivious to the reality of the situation.

You have not completely stayed out of their relationship, you inserted yourself smack dab in the middle of a divorce and now you want to act as if shes interrupting your happy home. Pot meet kettle.

Who said she was off? You want to believe she is off, but be honest, if a woman ended up knocked up before your divorce was final, you probably wouldn't be the picture of sanity either.

You say you can handle being single right now, maybe thats whats best, I cant imagine all this stress and drama is good for a healthy pregnancy.

My best advice is to humble yourself. Someone has to be the adult here.

Not sure how I am coming across as demanding of the kids. I had said they are great kids, I don’t ask anything of them, I always try and make sure they have a great time when they are with us 4-5 days a week.

As far as the mother goes, they had been separated for almost a year before we started seeing each other the first time. She was having an affair with a married man, a few others as well. (It’s a small town) I did make a side note of her having repeated affairs. That’s what started the downfall of the marriage, it wasn’t me. The divorce had already been filed and was almost final when we started seeing each other the first time. I was the first girl he had dated since separating. I really think a lot of her problem is she doesn’t want him but doesn’t want anyone else to have him either. I promise you, she isn’t just a heart broken innocent person in all of this.

But I do think my issue is the stress, I would much rather be single. I don’t deserve to be caught up in the middle of a disaster.