How can I cope with family estrangement?

Going to make this as short ass possible.

Backstory: I'm the oldest of three daughters. My mom passed away three years ago of alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. She had a problem since she was a teenager and it cause our family to split up, with my mom leaving for another man who was also an alcoholic.

I managed to maintain a pretty good relationship with my mom despite her problems, but my sister did not. She cut our mom out of her life and refused to talk to her unless she was judging her or lashing out at her for her drinking problem. My sister didn't invite our mom to her wedding several years ago which broke her heart, and mine too. I felt that was harsh and so did my dad.

I spent years trying to get my sister to reconsider her position with our mom and she wouldn't budge.

My dad and my sister got into a huge argument one night because my sister told a whole party of people that her new mother in law is a better mom than our ever was (I disagree fully but that's another story). My dad made a snarky remark saying, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't remember f**king her."

My sister also angered my dad when she racked up a huge wedding bill that went way over his budget, but he blamed that on the mother in law's influence and expensive tastes.

Then when my sister gave birth, she threw our grandma (our dad's mom) out of the hospital room because my grandma apparently went there and was rude.

My dad then called me and told me that was the last straw and didn't want anything to do with my sister anymore.

So now my sister plays the victim card and I can't help but feel tor about the whole thing. I don't GET people who cut family our of their life unless it's extreme.

My family doing this to each other is nonsense to me.

On one hand, my dad is often harsh and I try to get him come around in his attitude towards my sister, but on the other hand, I feel like now my sister knows how it feels to have the shoe on the other foot because now she's getting a taste of what it's like since it's exactly what she did to our mom.

After everything that went down, I feel like everyone is a fault in their own way. There's no one side of the story that trumps the other. That's how I see it from my neutral position.

My mom is gone and my sister did go see her before she died, but she never apologized like my dad wanted her to (which my dad is also upset about.)

My mom apologized to us for her drinking problem before she died.

I just don't know what to do because the fact that my dad and sister don't talk and now I am in the middle again, bothers me. I hate having to have separate relationships with both of them.

There are times when I'm with my sister and she starts talking nasty about dad and I don't know what to say. And the same happens with my dad. I can't take sides and they say they don't want me to but I'm sick of them with both of their attitudes towards each other. They both want to think everything is the other's fault. Truth is, it's both their fault.

Is their opinion of each other true-accusations?

Well, typical family feud. This is one of the reasons I only visit my mother. I've hung the rest of the family out with the wash. Anyway, all you can do is be civil. Don't take sides, but also don't comment. Let both your father and sister rant and rave but say nothing or try to change the subject to something else. Just keep out of it.

I am sorry but you are getting stuck in the middle of this because you lack the ability to set proper boundaries.

First of all, you don't truly know all the mental damage your mother did to your sister.

It is not your place to try to get your sister to forgive people. She is an adult and able to make her own choices. Trying to convince her to will only push you two apart.

It is also not your job to facilitate a relationship between your father and her.

The ONLY reason you are in a tricky position in between them is because you have put yourself there.

It sucks he had to spent too much on her wedding, but that is his fault. If someone is using your money to do something it is your responcibility to manage that money.

If they brought a huge bill and he didn't OK the expenses then he isn't obligated to pay it. If he did pay it then he shouldn't hold a grudge about the amount.

It sounds like your sister might be overly petty and a bit malicious about this but I agree with her the most in these scenarios you have outlined.

You need to be mature and set boundaries with your sister and father.

Them having a relationship is not your concern, and your machinations will continue to cause you anguish. They will likely fail and cause your relationships with each to deteriorate.

If you are with one of them and they want to start complaining about the other just tell them you don't want to hear it. If they continue then leave their presence.

You cannot determine how people behave, so stop getting upset about it. You can only decide how you behave.

It sounds as if you try to be the mediator and that is really terrible to be as a family member to both parties.

Stop putting yourself(or allowing yourself to be put) in the middle of this drama.

Do what is right for you and let your sister do what is right for her. End this sibling rivalry and feud. It's not your call to tell your sister how to interact with her own family. Stay out of the whole thing.

I don't blame your sister at all for her anger towards your mother. She was an alcoholic, broke up the family, left for another man (cheater), and created more chaos in the family, due to her awful actions. I would hate her too. As an adult, I have that right, your sister has that right, and you have a right to have whatever relationship you want with individual family members. What you, your dad, and any others don't have is the right to tell your sister what to do.

I am surprised your dad wasn't more on your sister's side, being mistreated by an alcoholic and cheater. While it's prissy to have him dish out more money for her wedding, he could have just not paid it, but he ended up doing so anyway. If it was so unreasonable to him, why did he end up paying it? Doesn't make sense. It seems like you all cannot properly enforce boundaries amongst each other.

Now is the time to enforce your boundaries. State you don't want to hear any bad talk about each other and mean it. Do not entertain any of those conversations. Act assertive. Unfortunately, many family members do not get along. Welcome to the club.

I am sorry but you are getting stuck in the middle of this because you lack the ability to set proper boundaries.

 

First of all, you don't truly know all the mental damage your mother did to your sister.

 

It is not your place to try to get your sister to forgive people. She is an adult and able to make her own choices. Trying to convince her to will only push you two apart.

 

It is also not your job to facilitate a relationship between your father and her.

 

The ONLY reason you are in a tricky position in between them is because you have put yourself there.

 

It sucks he had to spent too much on her wedding, but that is his fault. If someone is using your money to do something it is your responcibility to manage that money.

 

If they brought a huge bill and he didn't OK the expenses then he isn't obligated to pay it. If he did pay it then he shouldn't hold a grudge about the amount.

 

It sounds like your sister might be overly petty and a bit malicious about this but I agree with her the most in these scenarios you have outlined.

 

You need to be mature and set boundaries with your sister and father.

 

Them having a relationship is not your concern, and your machinations will continue to cause you anguish. They will likely fail and cause your relationships with each to deteriorate.

 

If you are with one of them and they want to start complaining about the other just tell them you don't want to hear it. If they continue then leave their presence.

 

You cannot determine how people behave, so stop getting upset about it. You can only decide how you behave.

 

It sounds as if you try to be the mediator and that is really terrible to be as a family member to both parties.

 

Stop putting yourself(or allowing yourself to be put) in the middle of this drama.

I agree . You don’t know the damage that was done to your sister . And trying to make someone forgive before they are ready or if they don’t want to just enrages them further . Just remember your mom and your sister had a relationship independent of you . So does your sister and your dad . Don’t meddle in those relationships .

If they start complaining about each other just change the topic or tell them you are not listening.

I have been estranged from my dad since about 1990. I talked to or see him a few times a year if that. Sometimes I don’t see him in a whole year . And I am good with that.

Can’t force abusive people onto people .

My dad ended up not paying for the wedding, because he couldn't. Didn't have the money. He told my sister what he budget was. Then she and her mother in law disrespected that, so he couldn't afford it. Mother in law is still paying for the wedding 5 years later. That's their problem.

I guess it's my sister's responsibility to deal with her feelings and her need to control how people live, but I won't be a part of it.

I never told her what to do. I ASKED if she could find it in her heart to forgive, but she decided no. That's her problem.

Thanks for the perspective.

You have to realize everyone has their own psychological abilities. Because you can forgive doesn’t mean someone else can. Everyone has their own psychological make up and experiences . Your experience with your mom and dad is not your sister’s experience with your mom and dad . She can’t forgive because you think it will make her feel better or you think it will make you feel better or you thought it would add to your mom’s peace. Obviously you loved your mom and so you should. Your sister is not you .

It really sounds like you are displacing a lot of anger into your sister.

Did your mom ever get help for her drinking and have time as a clean and sober person? It's totally understandable to me why your sister wouldn't want a relationship with her if she never really gave her the chance to as a person in recovery can.

It sounds like your mother tried to make peace at the end. You should do the same. That means, letting all this go. Your parents have had a very divisive effect on both of you. This dysfunction runs quite deep, including yours.

If your father talks about your sister, cut the conversation short and suggest he talk to her and same the other way around. Do not play the family referee. Do not take sides. Poor boundaries are also part of this type of dysfunction and the divisive effect both your parents had on you and your sister.

My mom apologized to us for her drinking problem before she died.

I would say you should not ask anyone to forgive anyone. you should have a relationship with your father.

If you choose a relationship with your sister, you don't mention forgiving dad or whatever either.

you enjoy the time you spend with each one individually and are civil with both.

If your sister is younger than you -- i don't blame her for her attitude about mom.

I think it is GREAT that she has a good relationship with her mom in law. I mean, your mom was not really a supportive, warm mother to her - she drank, she left dad for some dude and she died of her alcoholism. I do think she walked over your dad as far as the wedding.

So stop trying to be the peace maker

As a person who is finally about to go no contact with the rest of the "family," I can assure you that not understanding or allowing a voice to the depth of pain your sister incurred at the hands of her (albeit sad) mother, only adds to the feeling of despair. I disagree with the others. I think you can allow her to speak about the pain and offer her comfort, empathy and understanding instead of trying to squash that. She would be wise to get a counselor so you don't have to play that role, but you could still kindly guide her there instead of simply trying to brush it off or minimize the damage.

It sounds like your father also did not recognize the pain your sister had and thinks she should not feel what she feels. I know that is more "convenient" for the other family members; but it is incredibly painful to the one who is still carrying the burden of the family dysfunction within them.

Both your sister and Dad need therapy, I am sure. But trying to pretend it didn't happen, or wasn't as bad as it was, only makes it harder to heal.

I know from personal experience that just having even ONE PERSON in the family acknowledge with true care and empathy the reality and incredibly painful damage of what happened (i.e. - you two didn't have a mother to nurture and support you - which is a huge betrayal) can do a world of calming good and could lead your sister to finding her own ability to forgive your mother. Denying or trying to minimize the damage is just crazy-making and usually will end up in the permanent fracture of the relationship.