First Meet: Awkward and don't know what to do...

Hi All,

So, a few weeks ago I began chatting with this guy (we matched on a dating site). He's older than me, divorced, and has two little kids (4 and 2). This is the first time I have met someone with kids, as I normally plan on only meeting men who have never been married and do not have children. I've never been married and don't have any children.

The first night we exchanged messages, I felt an intense spark, and so did he.

We had been trying to schedule a meet-up for a while, but our schedules didn't mesh. Between my schedule, and the fact that he lives outside of the city and has his kids every other week made it difficult for a meet up.

In the meantime, we had been practically messaging every day and making each other laugh.

However, we were finally able to schedule a meet-up last night. I was so nervous! I hadn't had butterflies like this for a while and I was extremely excited, yet nervous to meet him.

I walked in and there he was, cuter than ever, but seemed a bit overly-confident (however, maybe it was just nerves).

We made our way to the back of the restaurant, sat down and started chatting. Almost immediately he tried to hid a couple of yawns, which really turned me off. He also wasn't the best listener, as he'd look off to the side and not really seem attentive.

I immediately then found myself losing interest and disengaged from the conversation. He definitely picked up on it. What confused me is there were moments where he was then listening intently, smiling and cracking jokes. This back and forth was happening throughout the night, which to me was a total mind****.

I mean, I was civil with him and engaged in convo, but I know he could tell something was up. I didn't know what to say. I was really interested in this guy and couldn't think rationally.

I guess I was miffed, although I didn't want to be. My emotions were all over the place.

Normally I'm calm, cool and collected, but not this time. I was a nervous wreck!

Anyway, at this point during the meet, I feel that he's now pulling away or disengaging and he lets me know what time he's having to hop on the train downtown to head home.

In a way, I'm relieved at this point, because it's still early and I can head out with friends, but disappointed that our meet-up didn't go as planned. I was feeling hurt and mad at myself for having invested emotionally in this person.

I have no idea why, but I'm tempted to contact him again and see what his thoughts were regarding the date/meet-up. I guess I feel kinda comfortable doing this because we've been pretty candid with each other since we began communicating.

Good idea, bad idea?

Should I wait it out and see if he contacts me?

I'm also wishing that that I brought certain things to his attention last night (just my general thoughts on the date), but like i said, I just wasn't thinking straight, and I'm not thinking straight right now either. I can't stop thinking about him.

I'm hoping this feeling will pass and I don't want to do or say anything that I will regret.

I kinda want to see him again, because there's a part of me that's hoping it will be better the second time around (although, maybe I'm fooling myself). But I'm guessing he might not want to see me.

As we left the restaurant, we hugged, said nice to meet you, and he said "have a great weekend" and smiled. That's it.

Sorry for the rambling, but I can't stop thinking about him! Ugh...

If I was you I'd let it go. You dont seem into each other. Anyone can say and act any way they want when texting, but face to face is another story. It just didnt work out as hoped and his inattention is rather telling. I would not contact him, however if he should contact you and you are feeling like you want to see him again, you should discuss the first meeting first, and see what transpires from there. You cant always meet with success each time you connect with someone on a dating site!

If I was you I'd let it go. You dont seem into each other. Anyone can say and act any way they want when texting, but face to face is another story. It just didnt work out as hoped and his inattention is rather telling. I would not contact him, however if he should contact you and you are feeling like you want to see him again, you should discuss the first meeting first, and see what transpires from there. You cant always meet with success each time you connect with someone on a dating site!

Thank you, melancholy. I guess I’m just surprised that the chemistry didn’t transfer from online to in person, mainly because any time I’ve sensed this type of connection online, I feel it in person once I meet them. This is a first.

I guess I’m mad at myself that I let his behaviour get to me so easily. I wish I brushed it off and stayed more positive.

I was crushing on him going in, and therefore my reaction was more emotional than I wanted it to be.

I wish I could stay more emotionally detached from guys like this until I get to know them better.

Girl I am so sorry but he is just not that into you.

Men have an instinct to pursue and have a chase.

If he was interested he wouldn’t have cared about a train or any mode of transportation.

You deserve a man that will talk 1000 miles home because time with you is worth every step.

Thank you, melancholy. I guess I’m just surprised that the chemistry didn’t transfer from online to in person, mainly because any time I’ve sensed this type of connection online, I feel it in person once I meet them. This is a first.

 

I guess I’m mad at myself that I let his behaviour get to me so easily. I wish I brushed it off and stayed more positive.

 

I was crushing on him going in, and therefore my reaction was more emotional than I wanted it to be.

 

I wish I could stay more emotionally detached from guys like this until I get to know them better.

It sounds like you set yourself up for expectations that were more fantastical than reality.

Confidence can be misconstrued on text when in reality it’s cockiness. Not sexy.

Some people are also weird when they have been portraying themselves as a different persona online than in person.

this happens with on line dating all the time. that's why it's best to try to meet sooner rather than later. all the messaging and even phone calls can't really tell you how you'll react to each other in person.

any time i chatted too much either in messages or the phone, it was a big disappointment when we finally met. I attribute this to the brain filling in the little gaps, connecting dots, making the person what we want them to be, not what they truly are.

if you felt disappointed by his actions in person, believe that. not your desire for the person you thought he might be.

onward and upward! there's plenty of other guys in the world. learn when to fish and when to cut bait.

Absolutely. Don’t give this “number” another moment of your energy.

Do you do anything fun-

Sports group hobbies?

Girl I am so sorry but he is just not that into you.

Men have an instinct to pursue and have a chase.

If he was interested he wouldn’t have cared about a train or any mode of transportation.

You deserve a man that will talk 1000 miles home because time with you is worth every step.

Thank you, Brandazzl3. In all fairness, he told me about the train because I essentially stopped making any effort with respect to the conversation. Can’t say I blame him. A guy can only talk so much. He was asking most of the questions and I felt like I was done at that point.

If a man doesn’t make you feel comfortable...ask yourself...is it worth your time.

Are you making excuses for him?

It sounds like you set yourself up for expectations that were more fantastical than reality.

Confidence can be misconstrued on text when in reality it’s cockiness. Not sexy.

Some people are also weird when they have been portraying themselves as a different persona online than in person.

Well, I found our conversations via text were deeper and had more substance. He was so much sweeter and seemingly put together via text, and so much more personable, kind and flirtatious.

It was like I was dealing with two different people, the one via text, and the other in person.

I guess I fell into the trap of filling in the gaps of who I thought he was/who I wanted him to be based on our text exchange. I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. Lesson learned.

I’m going to miss my text convos with him though.

If a man doesn’t make you feel comfortable...ask yourself...is it worth your time.

Are you making excuses for him?

No, definitely not. I remember sitting there in silence and my emotions getting the best of me. He had been asking tons of questions and it got to a point where I was looking out the window and he asked what I was looking at. He couldn’t take it anymore. Hence why he mentioned when he’d be hopping on the train. There wasn’t any point in him staying, in his mind, if I wasn’t contributing or seemed uninterested. He had every right. I just couldn’t get out of this funk at that time. I remember waiting to see what would happen next.

I remember thinking that I was really crushing on the guy I had been texting with and it scared me - how much I liked him. I was anxious the whole day of our meeting, and during the meeting. I don’t think I have ever been that nervous meeting someone before. Emotions were running high.

Of course you will but I know, that you know, that was a person you may not get in real life.

A lot of people feel more comfortable texting and can speak better and clearer.

Now, is this an ender completely? NO. But ask him “do you feel you are more outgoing via messages than in real life”.

Hmmm, I think maybe a bit differently than the others. To me it sounds like he was tired (yawning, mentioning the train home), and this usually makes people less engaging. If you liked him over text, I'd give him a second chance. So maybe wait to see if he texted to meet you again, and then suggest something a little earlier in the day ;)

I am not so sure I'd write him off just yet, OP. Maybe he really was tired, hence the yawning. You decided the yawns were a shot at you - why is that? He can't be a little tired or nervous too?

You then reacted by shutting down, leaving him to carry the bulk of the conversation. He knew you weren't happy, so he called it a night. That seems logical to me. He could tell you didn't want to be there, so why drag it out?

In other words, I think you should not have been so quick to jump to the conclusion that he was not interested and being rude. I think it's safe to say you were both nervy and had high expectations, but you were not exactly willing to give him the benefit of the doubt before writing him off altogether.

Just my two cents.

this happens with on line dating all the time. that's why it's best to try to meet sooner rather than later. all the messaging and even phone calls can't really tell you how you'll react to each other in person.

 

any time i chatted too much either in messages or the phone, it was a big disappointment when we finally met. I attribute this to the brain filling in the little gaps, connecting dots, making the person what we want them to be, not what they truly are.

 

if you felt disappointed by his actions in person, believe that. not your desire for the person you thought he might be.

 

onward and upward! there's plenty of other guys in the world. learn when to fish and when to cut bait.

Thank you, Lambert. What's interesting is that I've been online dating for a while, on and off. I'm frustrated because I've always kept in mind the basics of online dating, including knowing not to make assumptions about who someone is based on texting/telephone calls, and to focus on meeting someone and getting to know them in person. I'm also big on keeping things as positive as possible when meeting someone, keeping in mind nerves, etc. But man, this meet and guy threw me for a loop. If I never hear from him again, you're right...onward and upward.

Hmmm, I think maybe a bit differently than the others. To me it sounds like he was tired (yawning, mentioning the train home), and this usually makes people less engaging. If you liked him over text, I'd give him a second chance. So maybe wait to see if he texted to meet you again, and then suggest something a little earlier in the day ;)

Thanks, Josl. You could be right. To be honest, as he was yawning (or trying to hide his yawn), I did think to myself, "Don't jump to conclusions...he's tired", but that, paired with some inattentiveness (at times) made me think otherwise. Plus, I was already going into the meet with a bit of a crush, so anything that he did which to me was a sign of disinterest I couldn't help but take to heart. I was so extremely nervous and anxious. I was restless for most of the day prior to meeting and I was trying to calm myself for most of it. I'm not normally like this. I took a cab to the restaurant, and as soon as the cab driver parked, I questioned whether I could go through with it. It was just a recipe for bad news.

I'd like to think that his remark about the train was because he was tired, but I'm definitely guessing that was not the case. He mentioned it during a fairly long silence or pause in the conversation, when I had practically given up. I took it as a sign that he was packing it in, and I believe I mentioned this in another reply here, but I frankly didn't blame him at that point. I kind of expected it. He was doing most of the work, and wasn't really getting anything out of me, so there was no point in prolonging the meet any longer than we had to.

Unfortunately a lot of first meets are one-and-done for this reason. Too much build up beforehand and bad chemistry in person. Let it go. He doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe him anything. There was no "plan" for the meet up other than an in person meet and greet.

We had been trying to schedule a meet-up for a while, but our schedules didn't mesh. I guess I was miffed. disappointed that our meet-up didn't go as planned.

I am not so sure I'd write him off just yet, OP. Maybe he really was tired, hence the yawning. You decided the yawns were a shot at you - why is that? He can't be a little tired or nervous too?

 

You then reacted by shutting down, leaving him to carry the bulk of the conversation. He knew you weren't happy, so he called it a night. That seems logical to me. He could tell you didn't want to be there, so why drag it out?

 

In other words, I think you should not have been so quick to jump to the conclusion that he was not interested and being rude. I think it's safe to say you were both nervy and had high expectations, but you were not exactly willing to give him the benefit of the doubt before writing him off altogether.

 

Just my two cents.

Thank you, MissCanuck. I think your point of view is pretty spot on. The thing is, I understand that he could have been nervous, and I was really trying to see it that way. Initially, he was coming across as being overly confident/a bit cocky to me in person, which kinda turned me off. I thought it might be nervousness, but the yawning and what seemed to be inattentiveness at times was extremely difficult for me to overlook. I've never experienced that before. Pair this with my anxiousness, emotional investment and nervousness, and it was just, well...a recipe for disaster.

I mentioned this in other replies above, but I agree with your opinion about him calling it a night. It was expected. There was no point in us dragging it out. Complete logical move on his part.

I was struggling during our meet to be a little more positive and to not jump to conclusions, but it was tough. I'm going to be handling first meets quite differently moving forward after this experience.

I highly, highly doubt I'll hear from him again, but we'll see.

Thanks again, you've given me a perspective to ponder.

Unfortunately a lot of first meets are one-and-done for this reason. Too much build up beforehand and bad chemistry in person. Let it go. He doesn't owe you anything and you don't owe him anything. There was no "plan" for the meet up other than an in person meet and greet.

Thanks, Wiseman. I didn't really have a plan, but I inadvertently formed certain expectations, which I didn't want to do. We were really vibing off of each other via text, and although we both wanted to meet up sooner, we couldn't. Therefore, in order not to lose momentum (until we were able to meet up), we continued to message each other. It was normally more him than me initiating daily texts. I tried to keep the texting to a minimum, but he'd message practically daily and would ask how I was doing, and would send 'good morning' and 'how was your day' messages.

For future situations like this, where your schedules don't permit a quicker meetup, just say that you're too busy at work to text, and that you're looking very forward to meeting him on xxx date, and that you'll both confirm closer to that date.

This avoids all the schmoopy-schmoopy texting prior to first meet.

Texting is just words on a screen. Almost always leads to broken expectations (ask me how I know, lol).

It just seems to me that you went into this with your filter already set on: Negative. Bail. He doesn't like me.

What I mean is that you haven't mentioned anything that went well about this date. Perhaps you are correctly reading the situation that he wasn't that interested, but I think it's also possible that you were looking for any little sign that it might be going wrong and applying your own interpretation to it.

Was there anything you enjoyed about him?

For future situations like this, where your schedules don't permit a quicker meetup, just say that you're too busy at work to text, and that you're looking very forward to meeting him on xxx date, and that you'll both confirm closer to that date.

 

This avoids all the schmoopy-schmoopy texting prior to first meet.

 

Texting is just words on a screen. Almost always leads to broken expectations (ask me how I know, lol).

Ha - I'm guessing you're speaking from personal experience. :)

It just seems to me that you went into this with your filter already set on: Negative. Bail. He doesn't like me.

 

What I mean is that you haven't mentioned anything that went well about this date. Perhaps you are correctly reading the situation that he wasn't that interested, but I think it's also possible that you were looking for any little sign that it might be going wrong and applying your own interpretation to it.

 

Was there anything you enjoyed about him?

I was extremely anxious and so nervous that I was shaking when I walked into the restaurant. I felt nauseous. I've never felt like this going into a meet before. I really worked myself up.

I do think that because of how I was feeling, I was almost hyper sensitive to anything he would say/do.

I don't think I went in with the mentality that I was doomed from the get-go and that he wouldn't like me, but I was super nervous and not my usual self. I normally get a pretty positive response when I meet men. This was a unique situation for me. I was, however, worried that he wouldn't like me. I really wanted him to.

I can't help but think that, it's almost as if I was so inside my own head and worried about him liking me, that I self-sabotaged. I was so concerned about being hurt that I shut down almost immediately.

Once I saw him trying not to yawn and what appeared to be inattentiveness, I already began backing away and not wanting to invest anything more. My reaction set the tone for the rest of the night. I wasn't myself, or how I normally am when I meet someone.

He still attempted to get the conversation going and I had my moments of trying as well, but unfortunately, my mind was already made up. I couldn't recover from my initial negative thoughts, although I tried. He would smile, crack some jokes, and I remember in one instance where he seemed to be trying to figure out what may be wrong. But I didn't know what to say or do. I was so nervous. I choked. So not me.

I'm kind of mad at myself right now, for not taking a more positive approach. I wish I had a do-over.

I also wish I could explain to him what was on my mind at the time.

Ha - I'm guessing you're speaking from personal experience. :)

Oh, milly, I'm not only speaking from personal experience....this has happened to me more times than I can count.

I once had such amazing text exchanges that I couldn't wait to meet the guy. Pins. And. Needles.

He felt it too, so he said he wanted to take me somewhere really nice, really relaxing. He took me to one of the finest, most expensive restaurants in town, and he wouldn't take no for an answer on that. For first meet!

I spent the next 2-3 hours (because it takes that long to finish a meal in a place like that) in utter agony. Same as you: uncomfortable silences, and more....he corrected my grammar a few times, and basically showed what an arrogant human being he was.

He then started back up with all the "cutesy" texting, and I finally had to write that I didn't think we were a good match in person. He was shocked, as he thought it was a good match. Um, yeah, 'cause you got to "impress" me with all your worldly knowledge......and then out loud I said (via text, lol) that I wish him the best. That was the last time I let texting get the better of me.