Boyfriend lied about going back to his ex

Hello,

I’m totally new to this so forgive me if I’m rubbish. But I’m struggling with a break up and driving my friends nuts so could really use some strangers perspectives.

So I was with my boyfriend 9 months in total. A month in to our relationship he told me that he’d been dating a girl for just 2 months and she was now pregnant. He said she’d tricked him and said that she couldn’t have kids and that she broke up with him to go back to her ex boyfriend. He’d tried making contact but heard nothing. I told him that I’d stick around because I really liked him, as long as he told me everything.

Baby was born a few months later and he heard from his ex. He didn’t want to be involved but I really pushed him to and hated the thought he could walk out on his daughter.

So things were good. We had 6 awesome months, he was visiting his daughter 2-3 times a week and he would always call/text before and after every visit.

Then he started pulling away, I just sensed something was wrong. He put it down to money and moving house etc...but he stopped calling me after visits, and visiting his daughter (and ex by proxy) without telling me. I tried telling him I was uncomfortable with this behaviour but it didn’t really change.

He then broke up with me BY LETTER!!! It basically said that he loved me, he was too thinly spread out and had issues he had to sort out by himself, stress and money sort of things. I was totally civil to him, even though he left without a goodbye.

It’s been one month and I’ve now found out that he and his ex are back together, despite him telling me there was no chance and making me feel paranoid about it. He used to say things like “why would you think I’d go anywhere? I’m not going anywhere.”

So there we have it. I’m now at a bit of a loss what to think. He was with his ex a total of 2.5 months and has now left me and is playing happy families with her. Just to note, he also has other children!

Thanks ever so much, sorry for the long post!!

you dated for 9 months - of course he is going to choose to focus on being a father to his child vs a 9 month girlfriend. He does not owe you anything as far as reporting when he sees his daughter - he should absolutely see her as much as possible. Whether he is with the ex or not, he should either be with the ex or dating no one and concentrating on figuring out life with the new daughter. i am sorry that this happened - i would have been out of the picture by my own choice when i found out he had a baby on the way.

has now left me and is playing happy families with her

he is not "playing" - that child IS his family.

I never said he wasn’t his father. I actively told him to be involved and I wanted to be involved too!! I sent both the baby and his ex gifts, I wanted to be a part of it. I have a 4 year old son too and a great relationship with his dad so I know how important co parenting is!

I pushed him so hard to see his daughter because he had a 12 year old daughter which he abandoned when she was 2 for 7 years. This is absolutely NOT about him spending time with his daughter, more about him leaving me heartbroken and going straight back to be with his ex.

He can still be an excellent father to his daughter without going back to his ex, and I literally wouldn’t have had it any other way. If he’d had his choice, he wanted to walk away so please don’t think this is me wanting him to not be a parent because it’s categorically not. It’s about him lying to me about the break up only to actually be back with his ex.

It was very honorable and kind of you to encourage him to take part in his daughter's life, and I praise you for being open-minded toward the arrangement so that the child could have the best life possible. I'm truly sorry your maturity resulted in him reconnecting with his ex and deciding to try to have a family with her. I don't think you did anything wrong and it is reasonable that you are struggling with breaking up.

You didn't ask a question per say, but my advice to you would be to let go and end contact with your ex if you haven't already. The fact is that he did lie to you, and because he did, you wouldn't be okay with the previous arrangement even if he came back. Pat yourself on the back and be compassionate to yourself while you heal. You will find someone else soon enough.

He has one child he already abandoned. He attempted to abandon the second one. What made you think he was an excellent dating prospect?

I sure hope you used very reliable birth control.

Thank you for that. I guess there is no question, I’m just struggling since I found out tonight, though I’d suspected for a while before break up that they were getting closer so I shouldn’t really be surprised. I’m just a bit shocked that he would go back to someone that left him whilst pregnant with his kid to rekindle things with her ex. Thanks for the advice, just struggling with the whole moving on thing. He was my first boyfriend in 2 years, I don’t date often and waited until I met someone I really liked. I love my son more than anything so for me to date seriously, it had to be special.

Haha, yes, very reliable birth control!! I like to think I’m a bit more responsible than that. I even sent him all the info on the contraceptive injection after I had it so he wouldn’t have to worry about me tricking him!

Thank you for that. I guess there is no question, I’m just struggling since I found out tonight, though I’d suspected for a while before break up that they were getting closer so I shouldn’t really be surprised. I’m just a bit shocked that he would go back to someone that left him whilst pregnant with his kid to rekindle things with her ex. Thanks for the advice, just struggling with the whole moving on thing. He was my first boyfriend in 2 years, I don’t date often and waited until I met someone I really liked. I love my son more than anything so for me to date seriously, it had to be special.

He likely went back to her, because he never wanted the relationship to be over in the first place. Don't be surprised if they end up breaking up again, and he tries to sniff around you again. The smartest move you could make here would be to block him to prevent future temptation.

My thoughts exactly. He has a pretty big ego and even though their relationship was short, I don’t think he would have liked being turned down like that. I have not contacted him at all in just over a month of break up, not friends on Facebook, I must block his number though. I did email him earlier tonight though, a very classy email (I don’t agree with name calling) basically saying that I know they’re back together, I’m hurt he lied to me and that I genuinely hope he’s happy. He’s tried to keep me from finding out so I’m pretty sure he won’t come back crawling knowing that I know. In his break up letter he even said “maybe we are the right people and now just isn’t the right time” which is basically code for “I’m off to see someone else but I’ll keep you around in case it doesn’t work out!”

My thoughts exactly. He has a pretty big ego and even though their relationship was short, I don’t think he would have liked being turned down like that. I have not contacted him at all in just over a month of break up, not friends on Facebook, I must block his number though. I did email him earlier tonight though, a very classy email (I don’t agree with name calling) basically saying that I know they’re back together, I’m hurt he lied to me and that I genuinely hope he’s happy. He’s tried to keep me from finding out so I’m pretty sure he won’t come back crawling knowing that I know. In his break up letter he even said “maybe we are the right people and now just isn’t the right time” which is basically code for “I’m off to see someone else but I’ll keep you around in case it doesn’t work out!”

That's exactly what it means. I would have recommended skipping the letter, but what's done is done. Hopefully it provided you with some peace, so you can now let go for good. Block that number. You don't want another round with this guy.

I never said he wasn’t his father. I actively told him to be involved and I wanted to be involved too!! I sent both the baby and his ex gifts, I wanted to be a part of it. I have a 4 year old son too and a great relationship with his dad so I know how important co parenting is!

I pushed him so hard to see his daughter because he had a 12 year old daughter which he abandoned when she was 2 for 7 years. This is absolutely NOT about him spending time with his daughter, more about him leaving me heartbroken and going straight back to be with his ex.

What made a man attractive who abandons their kids? OP, your choice in a partner is very poor.

He has one child he already abandoned. He attempted to abandon the second one. What made you think he was an excellent dating prospect?

 

I sure hope you used very reliable birth control.

I don't get it! There a re a lot of decent guys out there. Don't know what would make this one attractive to anyone.

I know, I’m trying to remember that. I didn’t know this when we first met. He has a good relationship with his eldest daughter now, I found out 4 months in that he had left her because of he met another woman and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. Hence why I went crazy nuts when he said he wasn’t going to see the newest daughter.

I didn’t know this when we first met, I only found out after 4 months and he has a good relationship with his eldest daughter now.

But you chose to stay with him for five more months after you found out he was a deadbeat. Why would you want a deadbeat around your son? He's a terrible role model.

I didn’t know this when we first met, I only found out after 4 months and he has a good relationship with his eldest daughter now.

He hadn't changed, as he was going to do it to the second one.

But you chose to stay with him for five more months after you found out he was a deadbeat. Why would you want a deadbeat around your son? He's a terrible role model.

I agree! Why would you want this man around your kid? What were you thinking.

He's a total loser. Expect more for you and your child!

The moment to have walked away was one month in when he told you there was another woman out there pregnant with his child. She hasn't even had the child and he was on to the next woman ( you ).

You just can't expect good solid choices from a guy like that.

I know, I’m trying to remember that. I didn’t know this when we first met. He has a good relationship with his eldest daughter now, I found out 4 months in that he had left her because of he met another woman and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. Hence why I went crazy nuts when he said he wasn’t going to see the newest daughter.

You should have walked then and there. This is a guy with a seriously questionable moral character. It was the biggest mistake of his life, yet let no contact go on for years.

Raise the bar, OP. You need much higher standards. This isn't your fault, to be clear, but you need to pay much closer attention to the red flags and recognize patterns of bad behaviour when you see them. Staying with a guy who needs to be convinced to part of his own children's lives ( not once, but twice with two different children) was not a wise choice.

You sound kind-hearted and well-intentioned. Save it for someone who actually deserves it.

You dodged a bullet. This is a giant red flag.

A month in to our relationship he told me that he’d been dating a girl for just 2 months and she was now pregnant. He said she’d tricked him

I missed that one.

Thanks everyone for your replies, it’s really helpful to hear your comments and you’re absolutely right, there were several points that I should have walked away.

To be clear, he never met my son at all. It was on the cards but the dynamics started shifting and we were arguing because he was putting me way below his daughter and his now new girlfriend! And now I know why! I wasn’t unreasonable, he’d visit 3 times a week but never had solo contact, it was always time spent together and I told him there were some things that made me uncomfortable but didn’t seem to care.

The real kicker came when he replied to my email saying that he didn’t think it made a difference how he broke up with me, it would have hurt either way!

Also that he did nothing wrong at all and that they never even discussed getting back together until we’d broken up....hhhmmmmmm.

I told him categorically that to break up with a significant partner by letter and running away is NOT all and please please do not let his daughters think this is ok for a man to do.

I know I deserve heaps more, I’m still struggling a little though knowing he’s having happy family time with her when we were planning summer to introduce kids and spend time together.

He told me that she’s older (early 40’s) and that she’s been trying with her ex and had been told she couldn’t conceive.

Am I just a totally naive trusting idiot?! I don’t even know for sure that she knew about me at all, even though I bought gifts for his daughter and he said he’d delivered them...I’m still unsure