We slept together on the first date, is it doomed

Hi everyone. I’m so depressed and at the point of giving up. Recently a guy my age messaged me on Instagram saying I was cute. I don’t usually reply to Instagram messages but I thought he was cute and seemed sweet so we started talking. He was very sweet to me, saying we needed to go out on a date and all that. A few days later (this past Monday) we met up. I took the train to where he lived and he picked me up. Me and him hung out for a little bit, got ice cream, kissed and all that, and then we met up with his friends that evening and we all went bowling. We were drinking at the bowling alley and we both were slightly drunk, and very into each other, kissing, holding each other, being affectionate and what have you. Everything was going great. By the time we finished bowling it was almost midnight and we went back to his friends house. He kept saying I could spend the night if I wanted, and because I didn’t feel like taking the hour train ride back by myself, I did, and we slept together. This isn’t the first time I slept with a guy on the first date and I know it always goes nowhere. I really didn’t intend to do anything sexual with him it kind of just happened and now I’m so sad and regret it so much. I can tell he doesn’t care as much now, he withdrew. We’ve talked and stuff and I told him I wanted to spend quality time with him and not just hook up. He said “I’m not against that I think we need to hang out more.” However we were supposed to hang out yesterday and he flaked on it but he said we can hang out today, but now he isn’t answering his texts and I feel like he’s going to flake again. I don’t know if I should stop trying with this guy. I really like him and I don’t want to give up but I feel like he lost interest since we had sex and I don’t know how to make him care again. I’m just really sad and need help.

So if I were you just feel really lucky that you weren’t raped or assaulted and if you don’t have an STD and are not pregnant even luckier. Happy marriages can happen from first date sex or a one night stand but it’s rare. And you chose to get drunk with him which was also really risky given that he was basically a stranger. So whether he wants to take ou out on a second date should be really besides the point. My sense is that he was put off by your sudden change of attitude - you kissed him when you first met then hooked up with him and went to a private home with him and then you come out with “we shouldn’t just hook up next time?” That’s kind of confusing. And given his lukewarm response I’d move on. You didn’t give him a chance to get to know you as a person or care about you so I’d just move on, sorry!

Sex on a first date doesn't rule out a relationship, but trying to make it a relationship after one night will. Next time slow down, get your own transportation, not alone 1 hr away etc. let the guy come to you and most of all stay sober so you can stay in control. Go on dates not "hangouts". Do not pursue anyone this heavily and act desperate.

I didn’t feel like taking the hour train ride back by myself. We’ve talked and stuff and I told him I wanted to spend quality time with him and not just hook up. He said “I’m not against that I think we need to hang out more.” However we were supposed to hang out yesterday and he flaked on it but he said we can hang out today

"This isn’t the first time I slept with a guy on the first date and I know it always goes nowhere."

If you know this, why do you keep doing it?

If I know eating sweets makes me throw up, am I going to order sweets the next time I go to a restaurant then complain about throwing up?

Do you think having sex with a guy will make him want to make you his girlfriend?

And how many times have you done this?

OK, I just skimmed your previous posts. Are you getting counseling help for the events that happened in your past? I can see how those events could affect your behavior.

Yes i’m In therapy for it but I feel it doesn’t help. I’ve done this a dozen times because after being raped sex is meaningless to me and I have a hard time saying no, I’m sorry but that’s the truth. I’m weak willed.

Yes i’m In therapy for it but I feel it doesn’t help. I’ve done this a dozen times because after being raped sex is meaningless to me and I have a hard time saying no, I’m sorry but that’s the truth. I’m weak willed.

I would recommend holding off on trying to date until you feel more confident about your ability to protect yourself and your emotions. Otherwise you could end up encountering someone who could hurt you again.

Yes i’m In therapy for it but I feel it doesn’t help. I’ve done this a dozen times because after being raped sex is meaningless to me and I have a hard time saying no, I’m sorry but that’s the truth. I’m weak willed.

Nothing to be sorry about. Good for you for recognizing theres an issue.

Time to take a dating break and face this baggage though.

Give this guy some space. It may be that all he was looking for was a hook up or it could be because you emotionally exposed yourself to him ( I don't think you think sex is meaningless to you, I think you lead with it, maybe you think that's all you have to offer) everything he does now is magnified.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.

Nothing to be sorry about. Good for you for recognizing theres an issue.

 

Time to take a dating break and face this baggage though.

 

Give this guy some space. It may be that all he was looking for was a hook up or it could be because you emotionally exposed yourself to him ( I don't think you think sex is meaningless to you, I think you lead with it, maybe you think that's all you have to offer) everything he does now is magnified.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.

You already labelled this a hookup to him "i want to spend quality time and not just hookup"

(and you already sort of gave him sort of a relationship talk).

I agree --- first dates should not go late into the night. Meet somewhere where you don't have a one hour train ride and think about your exit plan - either meet where a girlfriend lives nearby where you can crash or don't stay out so late.

I would not contact the guy again -- if he contacts you, go from there. And i agree -- take a date from dating.

Having a hard time doing what is healthy is pretty normal but doesn’t excuse choosing the unhealthy behavior. So the real issue is you responded to someone who led with focusing on your looks and your focus was that he was cute. If you want a relationship focus on getting to know the person - in a public place and sober. First date sex with someone you just met in person is really risky to your health and safety in my opinion.

Just concentrate on how badly you now feel. Hopefully you'll learn from your pain and you'll get the strength to stop putting yourself in the position to have sex on the first date.

You might try not shaving your legs before you meet a guy and wearing underwear with holes in it. Maybe doing that will help you to say no to first meet sex??? I don't say any of that with malice or sarcasm. I'm giving you a strategy that may help you stop the pattern.

What does your therapist say about this most recent encounter that has you feeling the way you feel?

she agrees that I should not have slept with him and that I put myself In danger. She basically said a lot of stuff that I know like guys like the chase etc etc.

Really sorry to hear you were raped, was that recently? I suspect it was a very difficult experience.. I understand how abuse messes up your boundaries. It is hard to start creating new patterns of behaviour especially when your inner narrative is telling you that you are not worthy of good things or if you have become used to loose behaviour. Don't beat yourself up for it. Learn from it and move on, I don't think you should contact him.

The best way is to abstain for a while and then slowly tackle this as a project. Sticking to the rules when you are with a guy but also nurturing self love and acceptance by doing things (hobbies, activities) you genuinely enjoy.

Have you talked to her about EMDR?

No, I will mention it during my appt on tuesday

Not to be mean, but you did post a longer version of this yesterday at

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552241

You really have to get over your PTSD from the rape before you can really have a relationship that works.

They’re different, that one was about my life in general and why I want to kill myself, this one is about this specific relationship issue.

Yes i’m In therapy for it but I feel it doesn’t help. I’ve done this a dozen times because after being raped sex is meaningless to me and I have a hard time saying no, I’m sorry but that’s the truth. I’m weak willed.

Is your health and safety meaningless? You are risking both by engaging in risky behaviour.

Sex should be enjoyable and mutually beneficial, if you are left feeling bad after sexual encounters then you are treating yourself poorly.

Has the rape affected your self esteem? A time out from dating to focus on grieving and healing from your ordeal and rebuilding yourself to feel worthy of fulfilling and safe sexual activity might be helpful?

Is WHAT doomed? I don't think there was a relationship or even an expectation of a relationship before you had sex. So there's nothing to doom. Then after you had sex you want to say you were after more than that. I don't think you were. You don't even know him. If I asked you why do you want to have a relationship with this guy? You can't give a good answer because you have so little to go on. You're just having him play a certain male character now.

Also therapy might not be working because you are countering any improvement with recurring negative sexual experiences.

If you can stop this cycle but still feel therapy is not helping it might be time to try a new therapist/type of therapy.

Guys wont take you seriously if you sleep with them that quickly.They lose respect and move on.

If you want something serious and romance, go much slower. Hand holding, even quick kisses on the first few dates. Leave some mystery so he is intrigued. But don't throw it all on the table on the first few dates otherwise is will ruin things.

Also reading others posts on here.

Yes, this could definitely be behavior based on your rape and not being healed. Try joining a forum online for rape survivors. Counselling with one on one therapy and stop dating until you are healed. That could take a very long time. (Many months if not years).

Please don't consider killing yourself. If you've got those thoughts go to the hospital asap and ask to be admitted. Your life matters!! These issues can be fixed with the right help, it's not a life long sentence.

You can recover, you just need to stay off the dating sites, get the help and support you need and your life can be better.

Don't give up.

she agrees that I should not have slept with him and that I put myself In danger. She basically said a lot of stuff that I know like guys like the chase etc etc.

What do you think about starting a plan for yourself that will help you to refrain from first meet sex. Not shaving your legs and wearing old underwear was just an example that might make you put the breaks on a make out session or even prevent you from allowing one to begin.

There are other plans you can put into effect that will allow you to hold off on sex until you know the guy better and he shows you in actions that he actually wants to get to know you and that he is fond of you. Can you think of something that would help you to not jump into bed right away?

Sex on a 1st date doesn't necessarily spell out doom for a future relationship, but I think doing this is a bad idea if you want more then a hookup. W/holding sex shows if the person wants to be w/you instead of using you for sex. If he disappears after he sees no easy sex, he never wanted to be w/you long term anyways.