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Thread: Journey out of the abyss - no contact - looking for community

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Journey out of the abyss - no contact - looking for community

    I am starting a thread to document my progress out of a toxic and unsuitable relationship. I have had a lot of success with support forums in the past, for both quitting cigarettes and cannabis, so I am hoping that this forum will finally help me to break ties with my toxic toad.

    Even though this has been a cyber relationship, I thought I would post here in 'Healing after Break Up or Divorce' because that is the goal that I am aiming for. I have wasted so much time on this idiot, who gives pretty much nothing. He does not seem to want to take our friendship to any kind of next level, I think some people just want to keep the connection casual through the Internet, but do not really want to connect in the real world. I assume this is what his story is. I will never know.

    I am addicted to the relationship like it is some kind of psychological addiction like gambling. I know this because I tried to go No Contact on June 11th this year, but due to the effects of a small change in my medication, I opened up my blog for one night last Saturday night (30th). Since then, the relationship has 'creeped back in' like any kind of drug would after a relapse.

    I know that I need support and a community to develop the skills to kick this toxic cyber relationship to the kerb once and for all. So, this is the start of my journal. Hope you are doing well!

    :)

  2. #2
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    The first hurdle that I need to overcome is the need to 'check' if he has hit on my pages. Because it is addictive (in the same (random) way that gambling is addictive), it takes a certain kind of skill to be able to stop doing it.

    I definitely need to approach this like an addiction though, and not like a relationship that I need to grieve and come to terms with, although, I am guessing that might happen along the way.

    What I have found is that toxic relationships happen in a cycle and it is easiest to break it off at the top of the cycle after there has been a build up to some kind of explosion or break up. It is harder to put a stop to the cycle earlier, just after the 'honeymoon' phase for example, but that is exactly what I need to do.

    My personal blog is still closed, and my nutritional blog is open, but it seems more professional, that blog. The other websites that I manage are for work and have no indication that he has visited those pages, so I guess they are fine.

    I am just thinking about what No Contact means in a cyber relationship when he has his sticky nose in so many of my personal spaces?
    I could post privately on Facebook, change my Instagram handle so that he can't see my posts, keep my personal blog closed, not post on my nutrition blog for at least 30 days, and not check my rehab community at all. No Contact, basically. That could come pretty close to No Contact.
    Scary of course, because it means that I am really DOING it, but from my experience, I feel better without this guy in my world.

    Have a great day! :-)

  3. #3
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    Well, you're right. On ENA we're constantly hearing questions about why their cyber girlfriends and boyfriends won't meet them, and that these online relationships have just gone on for years without any progress. Unfortunately, the Internet attracts people with problems, mental illness, extreme shyness and even those posing as people they're not, and they suck people in and just waste their time and pull at their heart strings. If an online person won't meet you within two weeks -- a month at most, they're just stringing you along.

    Anyways, most social media has settings where you can block the person, unfriend them, delete them, etc. And if there's no way to block them from seeing your pages and stories, there's certainly a way to block them from contacting you. You can block text, emails and phone calls. And if they still get through, you don't respond. Or you can just hang up. Otherwise, just ignore them. And if all else fails, you tell them your new boyfriend doesn't like you talking to other guys. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Lol, thanks DanZee. I think you have hit the nail on the head. Online relationships can 'pull at our heart strings', but ultimately most of them are just time wasters.

    I feel like I have learnt a lot about myself through the process. I would not have made some big changes in my life if I had not had the support of my internet 'friend', but it comes to a point when the heartache and the misery is not worth it anymore. And I want to move on. I guess that it is his prerogative if he doesn't want to meet up, but why should I sit around waiting for breadcrumbs, if it is breaking my heart? I have to be true to myself. Easier said than done, I know, but I believe it is possible.

    I can't block him as such, but I can definitely avoid any contact with him, and that is what I plan to do. Hoping that No Contact will help me to heal.

    Thanks for your thoughts!

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    It is hard and I am irritable, as I get whenever I quit something, psychological or otherwise, but that is just to be expected.

    In somewhat of a small win, I posted a review of an amazing performance that I saw tonight, and which I desperately wanted to share with him, because it was in his professional field, and I restricted the privacy settings so that only my friends can see it, so he will not see that post.

    Little wins :-)

    The thing that I am most looking forward to is growing as a person and doing work on myself so that I don't engage with the same tyre kickers and ass clowns. It is hard to know specifically what work I will need to do, but personal growth is one of my favourite pastimes. :-)

    Hope you are well!

  7. #6
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Feelings are such transient things. I know that I won't always feel this way.

    Just now, I feel like something is breaking in my heart. It really hurts.

    After almost a month of limited contact, I opened up my blog for a night last Saturday night. Ever since, it has felt like I am trying to hold back an avalanche of emotions with my hands alone. It feels impossible to stem the flow, as is always the way with addiction.

    But last night, I think I might have said something that was so cutting, that it broke the last of our connection, and I haven't seen him since.

    Obviously, this was my goal all along, and I know that I will be happier without him in the long run, but right now, it hurts. And I just want to process this feeling.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Addiction is so hard, because until we are cured, there is always the BATTLE of wanting the feel good aspects of the addiction. I remember this so well with giving up cigarettes. I would have to reinforce my commitment to the reasons why I was quitting, over and over again, until I am so used to the new way of life that I don't even think about cigarettes anymore, much less actually want one.

    I simply can't remember what the fuss was all about, because I have rewired my neural network, and the 'idea' of a cigarette doesn't press the same buttons as it once did. Probably the same thing here. I am going to have to talk myself down, over and over again, until my neural network is rewired and Turtle is a distant memory.

    What do you think?

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    You can ask the moderator to move your journal to the journal section :)

  10. #9
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Oh, I am sorry, I didn't realise there was a specific section for journals.

    I will try to get in touch with the moderator.

    Thanks!

  11. #10
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    It is quite tough this morning. I keep getting this recurring 'urge' to go to him and share something of my soul. Put something on the page for him to see, basically.

    I don't want to struggle with this urge, get judgmental about it, or call it right or wrong. I just want to give it space, let it breathe, and observe it come and go. I CHOOSE my actions after all.

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