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Thread: Journey out of the abyss - no contact - looking for community

  1. #11
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    It is so hard with psychological addictions. The reward for abstaining is less obvious. It is easier to fall into bad patterns.

    I haven't done it yet, but I want to.

    Just going to get dressed and go and grab some lunch. Distraction is always good.

    If I am honest, I just want him to love me. And at the moment, I just want his attention. It is the understanding that this not serving any real purpose that is difficult to acknowledge.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    I remember in the days before I was able to quit cannabis completely, I would often turn to it, after a period of abstinence, and in those moments, I would know exactly what I hated about it. Those days I felt so clearly the difference between wanting to be high when I was straight, and then desperately wanting to be clean when I was high. Always wanting the other reality. Until the scales tipped and then I fought tooth and nail to keep the new reality. And now it is not an issue at all.

    A psychological addiction can be harder, because the difference is not as distinct, but I certainly feel, now that I have opened up my blog again for the time being, that I want to be clean. I don't want this weight around my neck.

    Tonight, I went out with friends to see an improv magic show, and I was hoping that when I got home, he would still not be there, and I could make the decision to close my blog and to HEAL. I thought that we could both move on, and let go.

    Maybe I need to get to the top of the cycle again. I feel so empty inside. It is no prize.

  3. #13
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    I am not finding any support here at ENA, and it seems pointless to document my journey if no one cares or is interested.

    My soul is an ocean of blue today.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    I am scratching my head a little this evening. How did I go from someone like that older, intelligent, friendly person to the younger, reticent (cold) and emotionally unavailable person?

    Maybe they were both emotionally unavailable, but it doesn't seem so, sitting from this perspective.

    I blame cannabis on the whole. It stopped me from getting intimate with the former, and loosing that connection and inspired me to connect with the latter, and a whole lot in between. What a complete waste of time that has been!

    Now that I am free of it, and free of them, it makes me think about romantic possibilities in my world. It is funny to see them in my world, trembling with promise.

    It is not about the goal. It is about connections, no matter what the outcome. If our friends treat us well, it is a good reason to build a connection. If they treat us like crap, as in the Turtle cyber relationship, let them go.

    Making contact again with this former (not quite) lover, makes me realise that I have a type - nerdy, shy and warm.

    It is not about a type. I have to get the lamb out of the oven.

    It is just nice to feel my heart beat fast in my chest, when I think of two very good friends, who are both lovely people.

    What a life!

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Hi there,

    I must say that I am starting to lose patience with this medication that I am taking. Without going into two much detail, it is so strong and so overpowering that altering even the time of dose by a couple of hours to try and fix some of the problems with my sleep makes me so incredibly irritable.

    It is really impacting on my quality of life - when I struggled to go out last night, because I was so incredibly irritable and exhausted.

    I hate this crap and my doctor said that it is likely to get worse if I reduce the dose, as the medication that I take causes sleepiness in lower doses. What a load of crap!

    Have a nice day.
    Chai.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    I am moving into the second week of no contact. It feels like it is working so far. I am starting to notice that any 'connection' to him, or the need to communicate with him is rapidly evaporating. Through the week I progressively moved my Instagram accounts, or made them private so that he can't see them, and I am pretty sure that he can't see anything I post on Facebook either.

    It is nice to put my energy into places where my friends are, and who appreciate my thoughts, by actually responding. I know it is just social media, but my flair for the written word, and warmth towards human kind in general is so wasted on this guy. I know that I have wasted YEARS giving him the best part of my soul, and he has never given anything back. I think that it is never too late to redirect my energy and put it where the people who love me are.

    Even after a week (and a few extra weeks before the slip), I really feel as though our emotional connection is broken. I feel like I don't care about him or his stupid friends, in that awful town. Also, it has been a week. He hasn't lifted a finger to reach out to me, and it is the perfect validation of the fact that I wasting my time and energy pouring my happiness and light into his world. Stuff him!! :-)

  8. #17
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    I'm glad you're being successful at not being in contact with this person -good for you! I met over 100 men in person through on line dating and have had many friendships -platonic -over the years with people I've never met in person. All rewarding. With one exception and that was for 6 weeks - I never stayed in contact with someone where there were romantic intentions more than a week before meeting in person and only longer - like two weeks - if there was a good reason we could not meet. And if it was going to be longer I didn't stay in contact -just resumed contact shortly before we could meet in person. I think that's a healthier approach if you want a real romantic relationship with someone. I would also force myself to do many more things in in-person situations -social media of course is valid and legitimate and you like to write/blog but for now I'd try to rebalance things. Good luck!

  9. #18
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Hi Batya,

    Thanks so much for your advice. I think you are right about doing more 'in-person' things. I actually have done a lot of meetup activities since I moved to the city and this has led to some really strong friendships. I actually think that one of the reasons that I have been able to let this blog-romance go was because I have more face to face friends than when this whole thing started. It provides a sense of community and connection, which can make those less than ideal connections seem really pointless in comparison.

    It is good to hear that you have the balance right and can still enjoy online interactions, but yes, I think you are right about moving offline ASAP if romance is the intention.

    Thanks :-)
    Chai

  10. #19
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    I feel so incredibly crappy this morning. I slept through the alarm AGAIN, and this always makes me feel sad. This medication is turning into a nightmare, and that is all I will say about it for now.

    Probably because I am feeling blue, I notice Turtle's absence more than if I was still pouring energy into his world. I realised this morning that there is no going back. I am moving forward. I am burning bridges. That is definitely a good thing, but my heart hurts this morning.

    Can't wait to get into work today. It always distracts me and cheers me up. :-) Hope you have a good day / evening / sleep.

    Cheers,
    Chai :-)

  11. #20
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    That's wonderful that you're going to meet ups. In the last two months or so I joined a new book club and went to a happy hour as part of my women's networking group. Each book club was about an hour (I had to leave) and I stayed for about 45 minutes at the happy hour. It really is different in person. I have many in person friends etc but a bit less so over the last years because now I'm a mom and living in a newish city, and didn't work outside the home for 7 years. I have a lot of phone friendships with my friends from my former city so it's good when I can get out and have in person interactions. Again that's a huge step forward for you going to meet ups - it takes time and effort I know.

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