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Journey out of the abyss - no contact - looking for community


Chai

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I am starting a thread to document my progress out of a toxic and unsuitable relationship. I have had a lot of success with support forums in the past, for both quitting cigarettes and cannabis, so I am hoping that this forum will finally help me to break ties with my toxic toad.

 

Even though this has been a cyber relationship, I thought I would post here in 'Healing after Break Up or Divorce' because that is the goal that I am aiming for. I have wasted so much time on this idiot, who gives pretty much nothing. He does not seem to want to take our friendship to any kind of next level, I think some people just want to keep the connection casual through the Internet, but do not really want to connect in the real world. I assume this is what his story is. I will never know.

 

I am addicted to the relationship like it is some kind of psychological addiction like gambling. I know this because I tried to go No Contact on June 11th this year, but due to the effects of a small change in my medication, I opened up my blog for one night last Saturday night (30th). Since then, the relationship has 'creeped back in' like any kind of drug would after a relapse.

 

I know that I need support and a community to develop the skills to kick this toxic cyber relationship to the kerb once and for all. So, this is the start of my journal. Hope you are doing well!

 

:)

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The first hurdle that I need to overcome is the need to 'check' if he has hit on my pages. Because it is addictive (in the same (random) way that gambling is addictive), it takes a certain kind of skill to be able to stop doing it.

 

I definitely need to approach this like an addiction though, and not like a relationship that I need to grieve and come to terms with, although, I am guessing that might happen along the way.

 

What I have found is that toxic relationships happen in a cycle and it is easiest to break it off at the top of the cycle after there has been a build up to some kind of explosion or break up. It is harder to put a stop to the cycle earlier, just after the 'honeymoon' phase for example, but that is exactly what I need to do.

 

My personal blog is still closed, and my nutritional blog is open, but it seems more professional, that blog. The other websites that I manage are for work and have no indication that he has visited those pages, so I guess they are fine.

 

I am just thinking about what No Contact means in a cyber relationship when he has his sticky nose in so many of my personal spaces?

I could post privately on Facebook, change my Instagram handle so that he can't see my posts, keep my personal blog closed, not post on my nutrition blog for at least 30 days, and not check my rehab community at all. No Contact, basically. That could come pretty close to No Contact.

Scary of course, because it means that I am really DOING it, but from my experience, I feel better without this guy in my world.

 

Have a great day! :-)

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Well, you're right. On ENA we're constantly hearing questions about why their cyber girlfriends and boyfriends won't meet them, and that these online relationships have just gone on for years without any progress. Unfortunately, the Internet attracts people with problems, mental illness, extreme shyness and even those posing as people they're not, and they suck people in and just waste their time and pull at their heart strings. If an online person won't meet you within two weeks -- a month at most, they're just stringing you along.

 

Anyways, most social media has settings where you can block the person, unfriend them, delete them, etc. And if there's no way to block them from seeing your pages and stories, there's certainly a way to block them from contacting you. You can block text, emails and phone calls. And if they still get through, you don't respond. Or you can just hang up. Otherwise, just ignore them. And if all else fails, you tell them your new boyfriend doesn't like you talking to other guys. Good luck.

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Lol, thanks DanZee. I think you have hit the nail on the head. Online relationships can 'pull at our heart strings', but ultimately most of them are just time wasters.

 

I feel like I have learnt a lot about myself through the process. I would not have made some big changes in my life if I had not had the support of my internet 'friend', but it comes to a point when the heartache and the misery is not worth it anymore. And I want to move on. I guess that it is his prerogative if he doesn't want to meet up, but why should I sit around waiting for breadcrumbs, if it is breaking my heart? I have to be true to myself. Easier said than done, I know, but I believe it is possible.

 

I can't block him as such, but I can definitely avoid any contact with him, and that is what I plan to do. Hoping that No Contact will help me to heal.

 

Thanks for your thoughts!

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It is hard and I am irritable, as I get whenever I quit something, psychological or otherwise, but that is just to be expected.

 

In somewhat of a small win, I posted a review of an amazing performance that I saw tonight, and which I desperately wanted to share with him, because it was in his professional field, and I restricted the privacy settings so that only my friends can see it, so he will not see that post.

 

Little wins :-)

 

The thing that I am most looking forward to is growing as a person and doing work on myself so that I don't engage with the same tyre kickers and ass clowns. It is hard to know specifically what work I will need to do, but personal growth is one of my favourite pastimes. :-)

 

Hope you are well!

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Feelings are such transient things. I know that I won't always feel this way.

 

Just now, I feel like something is breaking in my heart. It really hurts.

 

After almost a month of limited contact, I opened up my blog for a night last Saturday night. Ever since, it has felt like I am trying to hold back an avalanche of emotions with my hands alone. It feels impossible to stem the flow, as is always the way with addiction.

 

But last night, I think I might have said something that was so cutting, that it broke the last of our connection, and I haven't seen him since.

 

Obviously, this was my goal all along, and I know that I will be happier without him in the long run, but right now, it hurts. And I just want to process this feeling.

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Addiction is so hard, because until we are cured, there is always the BATTLE of wanting the feel good aspects of the addiction. I remember this so well with giving up cigarettes. I would have to reinforce my commitment to the reasons why I was quitting, over and over again, until I am so used to the new way of life that I don't even think about cigarettes anymore, much less actually want one.

 

I simply can't remember what the fuss was all about, because I have rewired my neural network, and the 'idea' of a cigarette doesn't press the same buttons as it once did. Probably the same thing here. I am going to have to talk myself down, over and over again, until my neural network is rewired and Turtle is a distant memory.

 

What do you think?

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It is quite tough this morning. I keep getting this recurring 'urge' to go to him and share something of my soul. Put something on the page for him to see, basically.

 

I don't want to struggle with this urge, get judgmental about it, or call it right or wrong. I just want to give it space, let it breathe, and observe it come and go. I CHOOSE my actions after all.

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It is so hard with psychological addictions. The reward for abstaining is less obvious. It is easier to fall into bad patterns.

 

I haven't done it yet, but I want to.

 

Just going to get dressed and go and grab some lunch. Distraction is always good.

 

If I am honest, I just want him to love me. And at the moment, I just want his attention. It is the understanding that this not serving any real purpose that is difficult to acknowledge.

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I remember in the days before I was able to quit cannabis completely, I would often turn to it, after a period of abstinence, and in those moments, I would know exactly what I hated about it. Those days I felt so clearly the difference between wanting to be high when I was straight, and then desperately wanting to be clean when I was high. Always wanting the other reality. Until the scales tipped and then I fought tooth and nail to keep the new reality. And now it is not an issue at all.

 

A psychological addiction can be harder, because the difference is not as distinct, but I certainly feel, now that I have opened up my blog again for the time being, that I want to be clean. I don't want this weight around my neck.

 

Tonight, I went out with friends to see an improv magic show, and I was hoping that when I got home, he would still not be there, and I could make the decision to close my blog and to HEAL. I thought that we could both move on, and let go.

 

Maybe I need to get to the top of the cycle again. I feel so empty inside. It is no prize.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am scratching my head a little this evening. How did I go from someone like that older, intelligent, friendly person to the younger, reticent (cold) and emotionally unavailable person?

 

Maybe they were both emotionally unavailable, but it doesn't seem so, sitting from this perspective.

 

I blame cannabis on the whole. It stopped me from getting intimate with the former, and loosing that connection and inspired me to connect with the latter, and a whole lot in between. What a complete waste of time that has been!

 

Now that I am free of it, and free of them, it makes me think about romantic possibilities in my world. It is funny to see them in my world, trembling with promise.

 

It is not about the goal. It is about connections, no matter what the outcome. If our friends treat us well, it is a good reason to build a connection. If they treat us like crap, as in the Turtle cyber relationship, let them go.

 

Making contact again with this former (not quite) lover, makes me realise that I have a type - nerdy, shy and warm.

 

It is not about a type. I have to get the lamb out of the oven.

 

It is just nice to feel my heart beat fast in my chest, when I think of two very good friends, who are both lovely people.

 

What a life!

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Hi there,

 

I must say that I am starting to lose patience with this medication that I am taking. Without going into two much detail, it is so strong and so overpowering that altering even the time of dose by a couple of hours to try and fix some of the problems with my sleep makes me so incredibly irritable.

 

It is really impacting on my quality of life - when I struggled to go out last night, because I was so incredibly irritable and exhausted.

 

I hate this crap and my doctor said that it is likely to get worse if I reduce the dose, as the medication that I take causes sleepiness in lower doses. What a load of crap!

 

Have a nice day.

Chai.

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I am moving into the second week of no contact. It feels like it is working so far. I am starting to notice that any 'connection' to him, or the need to communicate with him is rapidly evaporating. Through the week I progressively moved my Instagram accounts, or made them private so that he can't see them, and I am pretty sure that he can't see anything I post on Facebook either.

 

It is nice to put my energy into places where my friends are, and who appreciate my thoughts, by actually responding. I know it is just social media, but my flair for the written word, and warmth towards human kind in general is so wasted on this guy. I know that I have wasted YEARS giving him the best part of my soul, and he has never given anything back. I think that it is never too late to redirect my energy and put it where the people who love me are.

 

Even after a week (and a few extra weeks before the slip), I really feel as though our emotional connection is broken. I feel like I don't care about him or his stupid friends, in that awful town. Also, it has been a week. He hasn't lifted a finger to reach out to me, and it is the perfect validation of the fact that I wasting my time and energy pouring my happiness and light into his world. Stuff him!! :-)

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I'm glad you're being successful at not being in contact with this person -good for you! I met over 100 men in person through on line dating and have had many friendships -platonic -over the years with people I've never met in person. All rewarding. With one exception and that was for 6 weeks - I never stayed in contact with someone where there were romantic intentions more than a week before meeting in person and only longer - like two weeks - if there was a good reason we could not meet. And if it was going to be longer I didn't stay in contact -just resumed contact shortly before we could meet in person. I think that's a healthier approach if you want a real romantic relationship with someone. I would also force myself to do many more things in in-person situations -social media of course is valid and legitimate and you like to write/blog but for now I'd try to rebalance things. Good luck!

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Hi Batya,

 

Thanks so much for your advice. I think you are right about doing more 'in-person' things. I actually have done a lot of meetup activities since I moved to the city and this has led to some really strong friendships. I actually think that one of the reasons that I have been able to let this blog-romance go was because I have more face to face friends than when this whole thing started. It provides a sense of community and connection, which can make those less than ideal connections seem really pointless in comparison.

 

It is good to hear that you have the balance right and can still enjoy online interactions, but yes, I think you are right about moving offline ASAP if romance is the intention.

 

Thanks :-)

Chai

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I feel so incredibly crappy this morning. I slept through the alarm AGAIN, and this always makes me feel sad. This medication is turning into a nightmare, and that is all I will say about it for now.

 

Probably because I am feeling blue, I notice Turtle's absence more than if I was still pouring energy into his world. I realised this morning that there is no going back. I am moving forward. I am burning bridges. That is definitely a good thing, but my heart hurts this morning.

 

Can't wait to get into work today. It always distracts me and cheers me up. :-) Hope you have a good day / evening / sleep.

 

Cheers,

Chai :-)

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That's wonderful that you're going to meet ups. In the last two months or so I joined a new book club and went to a happy hour as part of my women's networking group. Each book club was about an hour (I had to leave) and I stayed for about 45 minutes at the happy hour. It really is different in person. I have many in person friends etc but a bit less so over the last years because now I'm a mom and living in a newish city, and didn't work outside the home for 7 years. I have a lot of phone friendships with my friends from my former city so it's good when I can get out and have in person interactions. Again that's a huge step forward for you going to meet ups - it takes time and effort I know.

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Hi Batya,

 

Yes, it is more scary and more confronting to go out, but I find ultimately more rewarding too. I haven't had such a nice group of close friends for years. It is amazing how repeated face to face contact really builds bonds.

 

So good to hear that you are getting out there too. Happy hour and book club sound fun!

 

Cheers,

Chai :-)

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Yes although this new book club already has drama lol - nothing to do with me! I am very social and always have been since I was a teenager but after becoming a mom I food oscial activities much more tiring and draining especially if my child was involved . Also I avoid going out at night if possible because I’m up so early. So I agree that it’s important to pay attention to what feels good and comfortable but also balance it against stretching yourself too. It can be a delicate balance for sure. .

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Yes although this new book club already has drama lol - nothing to do with me! I am very social and always have been since I was a teenager but after becoming a mom I food oscial activities much more tiring and draining especially if my child was involved . Also I avoid going out at night if possible because I’m up so early. So I agree that it’s important to pay attention to what feels good and comfortable but also balance it against stretching yourself too. It can be a delicate balance for sure. .

 

Yes :-) Well said.

 

I think it is important to take the opportunity to push out of your comfort zone where possible, but as you say feeling good and comfortable is so important too.

 

Have a great week :-)

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I feel like I have taken a bit of a step backwards tonight. After feeling like utter crap for most of the day, I got a notification this evening about someone visiting my business Facebook page. Even though I have broken the connection everywhere I can, I really can't delete my business Facebook page, just to go No Contact.

 

The attention definitely got under my skin though. I can feel the addiction creeping back in. Open up my heart a crack, and the next thing I know it will be wide open and I will be giving some guy who has nothing to give the best parts of my heart and soul.

 

Maybe this will be a test of how I can ride this wave, and stay no contact. Maybe I will maintain my boundaries and he will eventually get bored and let me off his dangling hook.

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I can feel the cracks forming in my resolve. And now I am wondering if maybe I could just not visit Facebook at all for another 30 days. It is a big call because it is nice to give my friends some of the energy and attention that I had been giving to that idiot. And it is a way of connecting with friends. Also, it is one of the few places that I can still get a little bit of that electronic chocolate stimulation, without Turtle.

 

I am not so sure it is a good idea. But maybe I can learn to ignore those rare and random hits.

 

It doesn't feel good.

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