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Thread: Journey out of the abyss - no contact - looking for community

  1. #101
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    So the next thing that happened was that the last remnant of my heart has started to break today. I think it might be the last piece, because it signals the start of actually 'letting go' in fact. What happened was that I was inspired to record a video-log of a topic of interest to my hobby in nutrition. I was filming after a couple of wines on a Friday night, and while the audio was good, some of the video (my first attempt at multiple angles) left a bit to be desired. So I downloaded it into audio, and this morning I uploaded it to my Soundcloud account.

    I guess I didn't expect at that point for my loyal audience to jump to attention, but an hour or so later I embedded this audio 'podcast' as it were into my blog. That was maybe 10 hours ago?! Not a single person has listened to my podcast. I can only assume that my loyal audience of one (sometimes two or three), but one core person has taken the hint with me shutting down my personal blog, and putting up a privacy wall on my personal Instagram, and he isn't following me around the Internet anymore.

    That is a GOOD THING right? That really IS a good thing, when I consider it on balance. I wasn't happy, and it was never going to get any deeper. He was never going to open up to me, so why throw my heart over a cliff? Why engage and get involved emotionally with someone who has nothing of themselves to share? I wasn't happy. Even when I had his/her attention; I wasn't happy.

    I am noticing that over different periods of the day my heart sinks a little lower, and hits the bottom of my soul in some moments. Especially just after I 'check' to see that no one cares about my thoughts about making or breaking habits.

    It is scary, but it is real. And what this recent experience with mental illness has shown me is that when I get lower in life, when I get through a blip, or some kind of challenge, I actually rise higher than I was before.

    There will be sorrow and perhaps I will feel sad for a while, but that is understandable and all healthy if I am actually prepared to face the fact that I am on my own and he is not around.

    c'est la vie :-) perhaps! Hope you are doing well xx

  2. #102
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chai
    Hey, I know I could be better at thanking you for your support!
    I wasn't worried about it ;)

  3. #103
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    @Jibralta

    hehe

    Hope you have a great weekend! :-)

  4. #104
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    I have become increasingly frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to disassemble this 'belief' that Turtle has feelings for me or pays me attention. It has come to a bit of a head, because all the boundaries I put up on my blogs / social media / other websites, did what they are supposed to, and I get the sense that 'he' is leaving me alone.

    This fact has caused a bit of grief and loss, because I have finally had to come to terms with the end of the (fantasy) relationship, but I figure this is all a step in the direction of acceptance. Except for that lingering 'belief' that he is around / visiting my Instagram profile / has any kind of feelings for me. I am not sure where this comes from, but perhaps that is not important?

    I was getting more and more frustrated with my psychologist and myself for not being able to work out what this interminable tendency I have to create relationships out of thin air, when I found a chapter in a book on rewiring minds that talks about challenging 'thoughts' on the top level, 'assumptions' on the next level and 'beliefs' at the core level. My ears pric*ed up, as I am sure you would understand, and what I have learnt is that I think CBT uses reframing of thoughts to challenge the troublesome thoughts, assumptions and beliefs.
    So, if I 'think' something along the lines that Turtle is engaging with my world, I can actually reframe that (after the fact), and use my words (thoughts) to come to another conclusion. 'It is likely not Turtle here at all. It is nice that someone is taking an interest in my world, but it is more likely a random stranger who is viewing my page.'

    This kind of thought reframing results in a bit of a depressed mood, but I think that is because feelings follow thoughts, and I am basically challenging that high note that Turtle cares about me, so that makes sense. It is early days but I am hopeful that if I continue to keep reframing these thoughts, assumptions and beliefs, I might heal from this fantasy relationship.

    It makes sense!

    Cheers :-)
    Chai

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  6. #105
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Sometimes when you are feeling down, it's hard to abandon preoccupations like this. Try to be patient with yourself and focus on things that make you feel good. I think these preoccupations will probably diminish as you start to feel better in general.

  7. #106
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Thanks Jibralta!
    You definitely have a point about challenging psychology and feeling down. I was just thinking last night about how intensely difficult it was to 'reach out' to my work colleague during my illness, as just one example of how my illness made things difficult.

    I really hope that you are right in terms of the preoccupations, and that they will get better with time. Like the example with reaching out to my work colleague, when I was 'in it', I couldn't see how it would ever get better. I have had these kinds of preoccupations for years with this person, so it may be a deeper issue that needs addressing.

    From what I have read 'beliefs' can be harder to cultivate than either automatic thoughts, or assumptions. Will let you know how I go!

  8. #107
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chai
    when I was 'in it', I couldn't see how it would ever get better.
    Preoccupations aside, it is very normal to 'project' your present situation into the future. We all tend to do it. Unfortunately, that means that when times are difficult, the future seems bleak as well. But things can and will change.

  9. #108
    Bronze Member Chai's Avatar
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    Just wanted to check in today with some new things that I have learnt about myself.
    Since the start of January, I have been in the grips of another wave of psychosis. This time it seems to have been triggered by psychological things, rather than medication. I have just found my way out of it, thankfully. The thing that 'kicked' me out of it was another psychological factor. It is good to see the whole episode in my rear vision mirror. What a waste of time, energy and money.

    So, what I am learning now, for the second time, is that if someone was interested in me romantically, I would KNOW about this. They would do a lot more than visiting my page or displaying something meaningful on their page. They would talk to me directly rather than writing stories about how they feel about me. I would KNOW about this. And if for some reason they were not capable or willing to talk to me directly, then they are not worth my time or energy.

    This seems to be the big lesson that I am learning today. Even though I thought of Turtle a little bit during this latest bout of psychosis, it seems that my previous work in this area really worked, because when I reach baseline, and mostly even during the episode, I perceive that there is no connection, or it was imagined. Now, this has helped me to learn the same thing with the original problem person - Super Mouse.

    It makes me realise that all these subtle signs that he is interested in me are nothing more than p*ss weak. They don't mean anything without the actions and direct words of a person to back them up. Now, I just have to integrate this understanding into my attitude and my behaviour. It would be nice to finally solve this problem. I hate that it keeps cropping up, even 20 years later.

    Illness is hard and it is a pain, and it is messy and no fun, but at least it provides a good opportunity to learn about what is at play in my psychology.

    Hope you are well!
    Chai :-)

  10. #109
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Thanks for the update. Was wondering how things were with you.

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